The 8 Most Misguided Attempts at 'Sexy' Videos on YouTube

I am a fan of sex. Even when it's not nuzzling against my lap, I find it heartwarming to know it's still out there in the world. Yet sadly, there are people who insist on handling it recklessly. The lack of care isn't born from cruelty but rather ignorance. I know this because I have watched over three hours of startling and confusing videos on YouTube labeled, "sexy" and wept for what I found. Like a child holding a new tool, the YouTube community understands the inherent power but has no concept of how to wield it. Somehow the years of sex education have failed them. I aim to fix that. Where gym teachers were unsuccessful I will triumph. I will crack the door and shed light onto the dark and humid room of fornication. But the first step toward understanding what sex should be is to identify what it almost certainly is not.

It's Not Licking a Bottle of Hair Gel

The Intent:

This woman demonstrates a firm understanding in the male attraction to visual stimuli. By cramming large items in her mouth she stands a good chance of attracting someone interested in that skill set. She also shows tremendous forethought by dressing up for the occasion. Her sparkling earrings compliment her smoky eye shadow, and the lip gloss shines as if to say, "Hey, right here! You should concentrate here, where I'm stuffing this plastic tube of something!"

Where the Wheels Came Off:

In the same way a slant rhyme can ruin a poem, so too can a bottle of hair gel ruin a sideways pretend blowjob; the ingredients are there, but something feels gravely wrong. How can a woman who shows such focused consideration toward her own appearance not find an object a little more phallic and a little less toxic to fellate? I imagine most viewers are generally worried for her health because any gel in a tube like that has a way of coating the outside of the bottle and it's probably not intended for ingestion.

Furthermore, the atmosphere raises several questions: Why is it shot sideways? Why is the TV on? Is that water running? I'm willing to chalk the sideways angle up to artistic intent but there sound of the distant shower is too unsettling to ignore. Either there's someone else home, which is far from ideal, or that's her shower, in which case I'm a little upset that she's so cavalier about wasting water while she sucks on hair gel for a minute and a half.

It's Not Dry Humping Furniture

The Intent:

When you've invested hours in any hobby, it's only natural to want to share it at some point, and these 5 hobbyists are proud to present to the world how good they've gotten at fucking stuff. They showcase most of their skills on an ottoman but then move on to the more technical wall boning, door slaying, and mirror tapping. The whole video is presumably an advertisement to any women who might be interested in getting pushed around a room underneath some teenagers in dirty socks.

Where the Wheels Came Off:

This project really falls apart the moment the camera turns on. I have to wonder if any of these kids stopped during the dress rehearsal that almost certainly preceded this and questioned whether the ends would justify the means. Even in the video you can watch the enthusiasm disintegrate; at the half way point they give up on the pretense that there might be a woman there and just start wander-thrusting in and out of frame. In fact, if there is anything in this video working in their favor, it's the sheer commitment to such a colossal mistake even after the moment they know it's a bad idea. I can imagine some girls might find endearing.

It's Not Naked Family Time

The Intent:

The cinematographer understands that sexuality is inherently better when it's lighthearted and fun. By capturing this scene, the videographer is offering the audience a charming access point into the world of sexuality where the heavy hand of secrecy and shame can gain no purchase. So accessible is sexuality in the situation, that apparently kids are welcome too.

Where the Wheels Came Off:

The scene changes from lighthearted to startling in under a second when the camera gets close enough to reveal that the pile of blankets behind her is actually a little boy. A little boy watching his naked mom play video games. Then, in case anyone missed him, another child bolts into frame to share in the awkwardness. I'm certainly in favor of teaching kids the importance of sexuality from an early age but this unsavory malt of naked mom, Rick James and a video camera is not the ideal lesson plan.

It's Not Shaking Your Ass at Children

The Intent:

As far as I can tell, Andressa Soares wants to show the world that a) ass shaking is a commonly neglected gym exercise and b) the right kind of ass shaking can make anything look sexy, including the legs of a running back. In those respects, she is successful. The skin-tight clothes, the perspiration-soaked hair, and the attention to detail she gives to each air-hump are triggers for anyone's biological imperaOH! Oooh wow, a school of children. That's unfortunate.

Where the Wheels Came Off:

Again, I'd have to say this otherwise spectacular moment is ruined by its proximity to children, but Andressa, the consummate professional, remains unfazed and continues unapologetically grind the purity out of the eyes of eight small boys. A closer examination also reveals that the kids are forced to stand behind a rope because, after all, it's a gym and children aren't allowed in gyms for their own safety.

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Soren Bowie

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