The definition of perversion, in the sexual sense, is sexual behavior or desire that is abnormal. Now, you could be one of those people who say, "Well, who decides what's normal anyway?" and to that I'd argue that normal people do. Normal people, if you weren't aware, are what most of us are out in public. When sitting on your porch drinking lemonade, you're normal. When shopping with coupons, you're normal. Using dryer sheets is normal. Then, you know, maybe you have a drawer full of butt plugs with pony tails attached to them that you use in your spare time -- that's OK, too. You're still normal, but you also realize that if you wore your ponytail butt plug to the supermarket with your mac and cheese coupons, you'd become a pervert. It's just that easy! Then it comes time to make an excuse.
If you're a decent, normal pervert, your only excuse is going to be poor judgment. You have sex in public because you think you can get away with it. You get caught and, well, you messed up. Sorry. But every so often, someone gets caught and has a real crafty reason for it that makes me laugh, and then I write about them over the ensuing paragraphs.
#7. Shape-Shifting Hooker
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You ever bang a donkey? I'm seriously asking, scroll down to the comments now and give us a yay or nay, maybe I'll tally the answers in a later article, or for my own personal use. Anyway, say you have banged a donkey or you plan to in the future -- this story is right up your donkey-schtupping alley.
A man in Zimbabwe was caught giving his unfortunate love to a donkey one night and was arrested, as most donkeys don't consent to this sort of behavior. At his trial, the man assured everyone that while yes, boning a donkey is kind of a hinky hobby, it's not that bad, because technically he wasn't doing a donkey. In fact, that donkey had been a genuine human prostitute just the night before, and he had paid her $20. She pretty much just turned into a donkey when the cops arrived so as to make the situation look unseemly. And what's worse (this is what the man was explaining to the court still, I'm not trying to editorialize my feelings about donkey humping), the man believes that he too might be a donkey and in love with that hooker donkey. Can't two donkeys, at least one of whom is a human, be in love? What kind of sick world prohibits donkeys from being happy?
The court had no choice but to believe this story and let the man and his donkey live happily ever after. Really? No, not really. Instead the man was probably laughed at, labeled Donkey Fucker, and sentenced to some psychiatric evaluations, as well as being formally charged with donkey fuckery.
#6. Not Used to Drinking
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I'm not an alcoholic or anything, but I've been known to imbibe a bottle or two of Thunderbird once Wednesday rolls around, just to keep the week loose and breezy. And maybe on Friday morning I'll forgo waffles and just have a mug of creme de menthe, so what? Point is, I'm a pretty together guy. You wouldn't know there's anything off about me unless you wanted to delve into my interest in donkey humping, but why would you? Where was I? Alcohol. Yes.
So it happens that not everyone can hold their liquor like a Clay, such as lightweights like Daniel Cooper, who left his house with about $30 on him and somehow got so wasted that he dropped trou on his way home, went into a kebab shop, and plowed their counter, then went outside and found himself a sexy, willing Land Rover and made that luxury SUV into a real woman, right there on the street.
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Look at her. She wants it.
The lurid vehicular humpicide was caught on a restaurant's security camera, and later, once Cooper had a coffee and an Advil, he was as surprised as anyone to see himself ramrodding that tailpipe like R. Kelly introducing himself to a urinal. Wait, that was hardly topical. Like Miley Cyrus trying to fill out her awkward chicken butt with a foam finger.
Cooper had to tell police that he had left home with only a few bucks in his pocket but was just not used to drinking. This is like a vegan who's not used to eating meat trying a chicken nugget and then getting caught humping a donkey. Wait, I mean eating it.
#5. Black Magic
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We're back to Africa, where I've learned that nefarious bestiality seems to lurk around every corner, ready to leap upon innocents with its sweaty animal dong and force them into compromising positions at the drop of a hat.
When a 17-year-old girl was caught in a compromising position with a stray dog (the compromise here being having sex with a dog, as opposed to someone who isn't a dog), her mother came to her aid to blame the whole thing on black magic. Unlike some of the other excuses, I feel that this one has some merit, and I'm going to have to defer to Frank Sinatra as a backup on this:
"Icy fingers up and down my spine" is a pretty clear reference to a dog's cold nose, but then these lines ...
"The same old tingle that I feel inside
and then that elevator starts its ride
And down and down I go
Round and round I go"
... are absolutely raunchy, especially when you're trying to force them to be about having sex with a dog. Looks like Sinatra was all over this one. Black magic it is. Please picture that every time you hear Sinatra from now on. Picture him with a martini, in a tux, just watching someone getting plowed by a dog, then pulling out a pad of paper and saying "Hot damn, that's a song."
I'd also like to note that, in the linked story, the mother claims that she called the police, while the police have no record of the call, according to Inspector Sacky Burger. Sacky Burger could have been the man investigating this incident. I want to go there and commit all the crimes I can just to get Sacky Burger on the case.
#4. Midlife Crisis
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Ever since I was in my early teens and heard some sitcom or other make a joke about a midlife crisis (which presumably involved an older man buying a sports car or dating a blonde with visible cleavage, television's two surefire symbols that a man has lost his shit), I've wanted my own midlife crisis. Something bad is going to happen to me, but the cure is an awesome car or boobs? Fuck yes, I want bad things to happen to me every day. I want my midlife crisis when I'm 15. The cure for cavities is needles and a drill; I want whatever is cured by convertibles and nipples.
Alas, years have passed and I am no closer to any crisis that can be cured by those things, although I'm still anxious to get either one. I guess I just need to wait until I'm too old to be cool playing with them and the rest of the world mocks me for it as they mocked that old man on whatever show it was I was watching way back when.
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"Stop laughing at me, you pubeless little shits!"
In the present, however, it looks like midlife crises still occur, and there is, in fact, a third cure beyond cars and women. Sixteen-year-old boys. Bet you never saw that coming. Amie Lou Neely, a 38-year-old teacher, says she was pestered by a 16-year-old student for sex so much that, due to her midlife crisis feelings, she gave in, but only because she thought doing it once would make him stop asking. Scholars know, of course, that the only way that plan would have worked was if her vagina had teeth in it or was the breeding ground for some kind of flesh-eating parasites that stink of hobo breath and skunk ass.
The boy in question told police about four occasions when they had sex, so maybe Neely's midlife crisis also affected her numeracy skills, but that sort of thing is to be expected. Getting old wonks up your brains, apparently.