The 5 Most Ridiculous Products Made for Crotch Maintenance

Genitals are perhaps the only thing in the world that everyone loves and most people don't mind sharing with others. That's why they also tend to be fairly well-maintained, be it by rigorous daily training using the ... um, workout material we find on the Internet, or by flat out gluing our junk full of Swarovski crystals.

I'm not saying that taking care of our fun bits is a bad thing. For the most part, it's the best thing. It's just that some of the stuff we subject them to seems a tad ... overkill.

#5. Chai-Yok

Via Chicago Health

For the male reader, the above picture probably conjures awkward memories of the torture scene in Casino Royale, aka the real reason we all find Mads Mikkelsen more than a little unnerving (Hannibal is a close second). However, those chairs are actually meant for women, and for a much more pleasant reason: boiling-hot steam.

Hold on, that doesn't sound pleasant at all.

There is a Korean procedure known as chai-yok, and it's all about slowly steaming the vagina with boiling herbal water. Basically, you squat on a bottomless chair and some herbalist steams your fun parts with a scalding concoction that has wormwood and mugwort and turducken and other things with Harry Potter names in it. You do this for up to 45 minutes at a time, but it's OK because chai-yok is said to help with menstrual cramps, stress, fertility issues, and hemorrhoids. Wait, did I say hemorrhoids and stress? Looks like the thing can be used by men, too! Hooray!

photonewman/iStock/Getty Images
I'll just leave this here.

The data and professional opinions on the subject of chai-yok's effectiveness are divided at best. People who have tried it describe it as terrifying heat hell on your nether regions. Still, it wouldn't cross my mind to claim that it's a hokey treatment. That's not my place, any more than that goddamn steam chair is. I'm just saying that if you choose to buy one of the many, many DIY vagina-steaming kits out there, be damn sure your knowledge of herbs is up to the task. Although my personal experience on the subject of genital steaming is limited to that one time I'm not legally allowed to discuss until 2027, I feel that when you find out the $20 bag of "relaxing herbs" you bought online and liberally administered to your hot water is actually ground naga morichi chilies and dried ferret poop, teetering at the brink of first-degree burns is going to be the least of your vaginal worries.

Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images

#4. Ballbra

Via UberGizmo

(Fair warning: Although it's safely censored, there is an actual picture of this product a bit further down the line. Proceed with caution.)

Ballbra. BALLbra. Ball ... BRA. It sounds like something Chandler Bing might drunkenly come up with, just before the rest of the cast of Friends finally snaps and beats the snot out of him. It definitely doesn't sound like a real product, because who on earth would want to wear a bra on their balls? Oh, right. Crazy people. Behold:

It's like a jockstrap and a hammock had a fight and everyone lost.

The product's most prominent feature -- the ridiculous gap that makes your pubes and the root of the dong look like a tiny dude with an Afro -- is not there because the nut-brassiere concept requires it, by the way. It's there because the manufacturer felt the need to provide an option to ... freely hang out.

Donvanstaden/iStock/Getty Images
Creating an effect not unlike this.

Why this is, no one knows. Some sources suggest that the Ballbra's design is supposed to reduce the risk of testicular cancer, but if this is true, the product website certainly goes to impressive lengths to hide this particular benefit. The front page greets you with a series of mildly worrying fortune cookie one-liners endlessly streaming from a dude's screen-filling crotch bulge. "See the difference, because feeling it will surprise you!" is kind of a red flag. "Don't let them get away -- use Ballbra" definitely is.

"You read that right -- we just told you to go swing this thing in front of your neighbors. BUY ALL OF THE BALLBRAS NOW."

It would be nice to be able to chalk up the Ballbra as a novelty product, or maybe a supportive thing to keep older dudes from tripping over their nuts. But from what I can tell, the bra for balls is a completely serious product, and the intended market segment is youngish bro types. They're buying, too: I've actually had the misfortune to witness some otherwise sane-looking guy proudly wearing one in a locker room, dick flopping about and all. It was no one's proudest moment.

Oh, and of course the manufacturer seems real keen on accentuating the sexy potential of the product. Because what prospect of erotic affection wouldn't fall head over heels for a man who proudly wears his testicles in a sling? A sling that openly, clearly reads "Ballbra"?

#3. Semen Flavor Enhancers

Image Source/Photodisc/Getty

I don't know if you've heard about it, but oral sex has been kind of popular for a while now. Provided that everyone's hygiene is at a passable level, it's one of those things most people genuinely enjoy, yet somehow it's one of the most common sources of sexual bickering between couples. Many men seem uncertain whether they should give any (answer: Yep!), while the trouble most (straight) women face appears to be of the "spit or swallow" variety (answer: If the dude whines about this crap after you just gave him a blow job, chances are he's not exactly boyfriend material).

If you've ever had this discussion, readers of the male persuasion, chances are you've learned that a major reason for your partner's unwillingness to gargle your man juice is the fact that it generally tastes like rancid ass. Sure, you can help this by maintaining a somewhat healthy diet and avoiding certain foods that are thought to adversely affect the taste, but since the "don't eat this" list contains stuff like garlic, booze, and protein-rich foods, the chances of your average dude actually managing to stick to said diet are slim to none.

So why not keep on stuffing your face with those Jameson-infused garlic McRibs, and artificially spice up your semen instead?

Via Amazon
What, did you think I was kidding?

Semen flavor enhancers are a whole host of mildly dubious pill-shaped products the manufacturers of which swear blind can turn even the foulest of man-goos into a veritable buffet of taste sensations. Most of the products out there consist of your average dietary-supplement fodder, such as acai berry extract, combined with ingredients that enjoy a flavor-enhancing reputation, like spices and pineapple. And if for some reason your significant other isn't impressed by what basically amounts to a dong-administered fruit salad, you could just go for straight green apple:

Via Chemist Direct
Because nothing says "I love you" like an orgasm laced with the tang of malic acid.

All you need to do now is combine your flavor enhancer of choice with the Monster Xplosion ejaculate volumizer and after a week neither of you will ever want to see fruit soup again.

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Pauli Poisuo

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