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Let's do something different.

Cracked readers, I want to get to know you better. I don't actually want to see you in real life and engage you in deep conversation. I'd rather you sum up the infinite complexity residing within the shimmering light of your soul by way of a questionnaire, the most comprehensive way of learning about a person that doesn't involve hiding in bushes with binoculars.

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"Don't mind me. Just watchin' ya whiz."

See, we Cracked writers are blessed (but mostly cursed) with having an audience that loves to comment on our articles. I believe there's untapped potential in each and every one of you commenters out there. So why not harness the power of your comments into something constructive and potentially great? Failing that, at least something weird.

That's what today's column is all about: It'll be part social experiment, part exploration of common oddities, part easy way to make a few bucks because you commenters will basically be writing my next column for me. This is how it'll work:

Below this introduction you will find 10 questions. Read 'em, then head to the comments and write the question numbers and your corresponding answers. But here's the most important part: Explain your answers or, in the case of a couple of the questions, just elaborate a little. Be as brief or verbose as you'd like. Write a sentence, write an essay, write a book -- I don't care. I've got the time to read them.

The questions are of absolutely no substance. They do not matter. There is nothing challenging or controversial about them. They are stupid, dumb wastes of time. So serious answers only please. But also, you know, have fun and stuff.

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A visual representation of my questions.

After a week or two of letting the comments build (or fester, depending on the quality of your answers), I'll sift the gold from the rocks, analyze the very, very stupid data you wonderful folks have provided, and then present my findings in a follow-up column. Keep in mind: I might publish your answers, so only write things you're OK with people knowing about you. There are no right answers. The correct answer is whatever you want it to be.

And that's it! That's all you have to do. Are you ready? Grab your pencils. You may begin:

Question #1

How long has it been since you've seen your butthole? Explain why.

A. I see it every morning, as I ram my head up it

B. I look at it often. Quite often ;)

C. Months. Has it really been months? Man, you get older, you get a job and a serious relationship, and all of a sudden close friends start drifting apart. That's adulthood for ya. Makes you wonder why as kids we couldn't wait to grow up. Pfft! If we'd only known. *takes a swig of Scotch*

D. There's no way I could pick out mine in a police lineup. I'd need it to shout, "Gimme all your money, bitch!" to see if I recognized its voice

E. We are no longer on speaking terms

Question #2

How small and thin do you let a bar of soap get before you replace it?

A. I throw them away after a single use

B. About halfway, after discovering they don't have a jelly center

C. When it's thin and bendy, like an orange peel that's socially acceptable to rub on my nipples

D. I use it until it looks like a milk-flavored breath strip

E. Until it no longer exists and I'm rubbing the memory of soap on my body

Continue Reading Below

Question #3

If you could blame one of the world's problems (Column #1) on one person/group (Column #2), who would get blamed for what? Most importantly, explain why.

Column #1

A. Climate change

B. Gun violence

C. Sexism

D. Racism

E. Neo-Nazism

Column #2

1. Everybody at Home Depot on a Saturday afternoon

2. The unattainable mental image of your ideal soulmate

3. Butter sculptors

4. Some guy named Rick

5. The 1972 Miami Dolphins

Question #4

You can choose only one body part to grow on your body-part farm for the upcoming harvest season. Which body part do you grow? Explain what people would do with these body parts after picking them up from the grocery store.

A. Thumbs

B. Knee caps

C. Uvulas

D. Elongated earlobes

E. Testicles so large they always win the blue ribbon at the state fair's testicle-growing competition

F. Other (name the body part and its use)

Continue Reading Below

Question #5

What is the percent chance of you eating food recently dropped on the ground when no one's around? I'm not talking about wet, slimy stuff like ham that you'd have to be a deranged pervert to eat off the floor. Something dry, like a cracker or cookie.

A. 100% -- ain't no shame in my game

B. 80% -- but as I'm doing it I'll act like it's 0% to make myself feel better about how I am trash

C. 60% -- and I'll even pretend the 5 Second Rule is a legitimate excuse for being 100% disgusting

D. 40% -- largely dependent on remembering if I've recently walked on that specific spot

E. 20% -- because I almost find that disgusting. Almost. I'm this close

F. 0% -- because I'm a liar

G. Other -- because Luis sucks and only let me choose increments of 20. (Luis' Note: Fine. Write your highly specific answer. Just, please, don't write 73%. I do not like that number)

Question #6

You're the captain of a starship on a five-year mission to explore new worlds deep in the farthest reaches of the Milky Way galaxy. You'll make first contact with new, exotic forms of sentient alien life with whom you'll get into wild adventures of dare-doing and swashbuckling, occasionally engaging these species in debates on war, love, death, and morality. What kind of shoes do you wear and why?

A. Super comfortable loafers

B. White shell-top Adidas with black stripes

C. Crocs with the heel-strap down

D. A sensual stiletto

E. Chuck Taylors, because in the background of this bright and shiny sci-fi future is a dystopian totalitarian government that controls everything and has chosen Chucks as the shoe of the oppressed galactic federation

F. Other (name the shoe and explain your choice)

Continue Reading Below

Question #7

A genie grants you the ability to be the best in the world at one sport. So why the hell did you choose to be the best at ________? Explain why this particular sport is the best to be the best at.

A. Dumpster tobogganing

B. Speed felching

C. Competitive bog snorkeling

D. Fox tossing

E. Precision toenail firing (in which you clip your toenails and purposely attempt to launch the clippings into your own eyes)

Question #8

Answer in 50 words or less: If you had the power to read a parrot's thoughts, why would you ever use it? That sounds awful. Just awful.

Continue Reading Below

Question #9

When you look at yourself in the mirror, how long is it before staring into your own eyes causes an existential panic and you start questioning what it all means, your purpose, and why you are you and not someone else who would be you if you were them? Please describe a time you deeply rode this harrowing thought process into the inky recesses of delirium and somehow made it out alive.

A. Pretty much immediately

B. Around 30 seconds

C. About a minute

D. However long it takes to brush my teeth

E. I do not own mirrors for that exact reason

Question #10

You once did a harmless private little thing thinking you were alone and no one was looking. Unbeknownst to you, there was someone looking -- a neighbor, someone driving beside you, a pedestrian on the sidewalk. They were just looking around and BOOM. There you were, doing that thing. Now you're that stranger's funny anecdote. You will never know who this person is, but every once in a while they think about you and that thing they caught you doing. Then, they will laugh at you. Of all the embarrassing things it could have been, what is the most likely thing you were doing at the time?


And that's it! You're done! Congratulations! Don't forget to leave your answers in the comments on the way out. Thank you for participating. Here's a certificate:

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Luis can't wait to read your responses. Have fun! You can find Luis on Twitter and Tumblr.

What is happening! We don't do surveys at Cracked! Luis Prada clearly plays by his own rules and it shows in A Harrowing Tale Of Jury Duty Madness. Or let Luis tell you about the time Loki's testicles saved the world in 5 Ancient Gods Whose Genitals Should Have Their Own Movie. This guy's making waves here!

Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see how the only thing that gives less of a shit than Luis Prada is China in 3 Foreign Countries That Just Don't Give A F#@%, as well as watch other videos you won't see on the site!

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