5 Ancient Gods Whose Genitals Should Have Their Own Movie

Mythological characters are to the old world what superheroes are to us today -- big archetypes who could do anything and everything better and more spectacularly than a normal, boring ol' human could. That includes all genital-related activities. You might think it's impressive that, with a simple flick of the hips, you can turn your penis into a propeller, but that doesn't come even remotely close to the impressive (and sometimes horrible) feats mythological characters were able to perform with their junk.

Their genitals weren't like ours. Theirs were special. Theirs were magic. Theirs were better than our mere mortal junk will ever be. For example, if you want to know what a real propeller penis was like, look no further than ...

#5. Kokopelli, Who Had A Detachable Dick That Could Impregnate Women

DeviantArt.com

When we talk about fertility gods, a certain degree of sexual absurdity is expected. So, it shouldn't be too surprising to find out that, according to legend, a hunchbacked fertility god revered by Native American tribes in the Southwestern U.S. named Kokopelli was said to play a flute, the sound of which would carry on a spring breeze and float through the air, passing through villages as it went. The villagers would revel in the merriment of Kokopelli's flute all throughout the night. The next morning, every woman would wake up pregnant, and Kokopelli would dodge child support payments for eternity.

That's just a fun-sized sample of Kokopelli's sexual antics. The main course is his detachable, pussy-seeking rocket cock. Some tribes believed that Kokopelli could detach his penis from his body, perhaps with a single, satisfying pop ...

And then, he would toss it into a river. His penis would then swim downstream until it came upon a group of fertile young women bathing in the waters, where it would give them a proper impregnating. The myth never clarifies if his balls were detached along with the shaft, but if he's impregnating the women, they would have to, right? The only alternative is that his penis had a smaller, secondary reserve of semen specifically for these unmanned missions -- just enough semen for a quick supply drop and then back to home base.

An autonomous swimming penis must be a beast to wield, which probably explains why Kokopelli is commonly depicted as dancing while playing a flute that is almost always pointed directly at his penis.


"Sleepy, my pet. Sleeeeeeeeeep.".

He's charming the beast into submission with mellifluous cock music to prevent overpopulation. It's kinda weird, but it's for your own good.

#4. Kapo Has A Detachable, Rape-Preventing Vagina

Craig Wood

As it is in real life, a mythological woman can do everything a mythological man can do, if not better. Case in point: Kapo, the Hawaiian goddess of fertility (among other things) also has detachable genitalia. In this case, a flying vagina that she can snap off and fling around like a ninja star.

Before I get into her flying vagina, I first have to copy and paste something directly from Wikipedia. Kapo has a nemesis, and his name is Kamapua'a. This is the first line of his Wikipedia entry:

"In Hawaiian mythology, Kamapua'a ("hog child")[1] is a hog-man fertility superhuman ... "

Most of us will never have a Wikipedia page, let alone one that starts off as majestically as that.

Sadly, it all plunges horrifically downhill from there: Like most mythological men, Kamapua'a is pretty dope until you find out he's a disgusting rapist, like the time he tried to rape his on-again, off-again lover Pele. Pele's sister, Kapo, wasn't going to stand for that shit. So, she peeled off her vagina, which probably sounded like this ...

... and she set it loose into the skies. Kapo was correct that Kamapua'a would get distracted by a flying vagina -- you don't often see that. He followed it until he and Pele were separated by miles. The vagina eventually slammed into a hill. And here's the crazy part: That ridiculous vagina-flinging tale is the mythological origin story for a real-life crater on the eastern coast of Oahu. If an inquisitive little Hawaiian kid wants to know more about local geography, that nerd is going to get a face full of flying vagina. Even our boring-ass mythology books aren't safe anymore!

Wikimedia Commons

The legend, apparently, also says this: "When the Hawaiians dream of a woman without a vagina, it is Kapo." That should clear some things up for the some of you Hawaiians out there. And you thought it was your mom ...

#3. That Time A Goat And Loki's Balls Saved The Day

As the story goes, the Norse gods were about to crack open some Buds and celebrate another successful slaying of a giant, when the giant's daughter busted in and was all, "My big-ass dad will be avenged!" The gods, already in party mode and refusing to leave it, offered a compromise: reparations, in three parts.

Part 1: Odin will rip out her eyes and make them stars. She never once thought about how she was going to see the stars to make sure he wasn't bullshitting, but whatever -- she accepted.

Part 3: The big-ass daughter can choose a god to marry, based only on the sight of their legs. So, if Fjert, Norse god of flatulence, has lean athletic legs but, from the knee up, is pig shit -- too bad. She's stuck with mister pig-shit fart man.

EzumeImages/iStock/Getty Images
"Disappointing, I know. It's just that he never misses leg day."

Part 2 is where Loki comes in. The big-ass daughter is feeling a bit blue, because everyone in this room just killed her dad like five minutes ago. After getting her eyes ripped out, but before she has to randomly select a husband based on shin attractiveness, the gods offer to ease the pain by promising that they will make her laugh. She accepts (again, an idiot), and Loki steps up to bat.

This is Loki's big moment. Make her laugh, or harsh the party's vibe. Thankfully, Loki's got a bit he's been working on at his Upright Citizens Brigade improv class that he knows is gonna kill. He drops his pants and ties one end of a rope to his balls and the other end to a goat.

Marvel Studios
What would Tom Hiddleston say if he knew I just made a lot of you think about his balls right now?

Loki and the goat start yanking at each other, everyone screaming in pain, engaged in a game of tug-of-war that pitted goat versus the gonads of a god. Finally, the goat is defeated, and Loki stumbles backward into the big-ass daughter's lap. She laughs, just a little bit. Victory!

She then married Njord, Norse mythology's version of Aquaman, hoping the legs she chose would be of Baldur, voted Norse mythology's Sexiest Man Alive 5 millennia in a row by People magazine. They were divorced nine days later, citing irreconcilable differences.

What began as a peace offering to prevent more meaningless death ended in a failed marriage, and, in between, a man got his balls tugged by a goat. I think I just spoiled the ending of the next The Avengers movie.

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Luis Prada

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