A Theory That Will Change How You See SpongeBob SquarePants

We all know that SpongeBob SquarePants is filled with some really dark shit, like suicide jokes and a possible allegory for nuclear testing. But what if I told you that one of the most popular children's characters of the modern era is nothing more than a used feminine hygiene product? ARE YOU READY, KIDS?!

SpongeBob Is A Tampon

It's only because of Nickelodeon censors that kids haven't been delighted by the antics of TamponBob OhDearGodNoPants for nine seasons and two movies. He is, after all, an absorbent sponge residing in Bikini Bottom.


According to his backstory, SpongeBob moved away from home at the tender age of 13 (a typical age for a young woman to begin requiring tampons), to pursue a lucrative career as a fry cook at The Krusty Krab ... which suddenly sounds super fucking gross. We'll talk more about that in a bit.

What may appear to be a violation of both truancy and child labor laws is actually the coming-of-age tale of a young tampon's journey into a discreet new environment named Bikini Bottom. That may sound like the pun-filled observations of a middle school child, but hold on, because the connections don't stop there. Not even close.

Kind of makes you see this image in a whole new light, huh?

The Krusty Krab Is Just ... Ew

Since the bottom of the ocean isn't an ideal spot for raising cattle, you have to assume that The Krusty Krab makes its burgers out of seafood. At first, you'd think that the restaurant was named after its owner, which is likely true, but it's reasonable to assume that it also serves burgers made out of actual crab meat. And that's not a stretched assumption; hermit crabs regularly eat each other, and actually salivate when they smell the flesh of their dead relatives.

That would explain the demand.

Why would a tampon apply for a job at a restaurant where they'd end up working for a seemingly cannibalistic crab? All of the customers are unreasonably annoyed or dumb, and from what we can tell, there is no chance of SpongeBob ever being promoted to a better job or management position. He'll never get to name it The Krusty Sponge (ew).

The strangely logical explanation is that the dirty vagina of Bikini Bottom must also have crabs. Why else would a crab serve up the crabs "SpongeBob" has prepared? Also, it explains Mr. Krab's acerbic personality. He is an annoying, angry jerk of the vagina, leaving everyone who interacts with him feeling sore and pissed off. Everyone except SpongeBob, because SpongeBob is a tampon and doesn't have to worry about crabs. He has an immunity to them that the characters in his surrounding area don't.

Patrick Star Is A Butthole ... Literally

SpongeBob's next-door neighbor is the affable nitwit Patrick Star, whose entire existence is dedicated to making SpongeBob appear smarter than he actually is. But our pal Patrick isn't a self-regenerating, asexually-reproducing sea creature at all -- he's a butthole. A big ol' human butthole.


He lives right next door to SpongeBob, and has the speculative IQ of your average asshole. We really wish that we had some kind of deep implications of this observation, but it's pretty damn straightforward. "Starfish" is a slang term for butthole. Plain and simple.

Plankton Is Planktonic Bacteria

Plankton is a tiny pest who dedicates his whole life to messing with SpongeBob, often in an effort to gain access to SpongeBob's Krabby Patty knowledge. In real life, Plankton serves as one of several possible vag-dwelling planktonic bacteria.

They even gave him the same little antennae.

Some believe that a common cause of this bacteria is toxic shock syndrome, which happens when you leave a tampon in for too long. Which would explain Plankton's love/hate relationship with SpongeBob. He's constantly frustrated by his presence, but needs him in order to prosper. Their relationship in both the cartoon and in real life is ironically symbiotic.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Vicki Veritas

  • Rss

More by Vicki Veritas:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!