It was during those early, not-fooling-anyone days of the column, that I wrote almost exclusively about the show Heroes, for reasons I'm still not clear on.
This was also right when everyone in the entire world became sick of even thinking about Heroes, and with every column I wrote the show's ratings plummeted. To suggest that the two events are related is to probably overstate my influence on the cultural landscape, but let's go ahead and do just that, if only to boost my self-esteem--management says they're tired of me freaking out and destroying mirrors around the office.
So, because we've all agreed to decide that my satirical attention will doom any show NBC dares to air, and because I'm always looking for ways to sabotage them further--due to their continual failure to pick up my pilot script Detective Fist: Crime Fister--I've decided to use my magnifying glass of a column to focus Cracked's rays of stupidity on their latest "event" serial drama, this one subtly named The Event. It premiered last night, and if you watched it you would have been treated to a barely coherent mess of people rushing around starkly addressing each other about conspiracies and need-to-know-bases and all sorts of horseshit. The premise of the show seems to be that some "event" is going to happen, and that by watching it happen to a bunch of attractive people, the television audience will forget that they already watched Lost once, and didn't like it much then either.
But there's a problem with NBC's formula: By basing a show around a single secret, interest will inevitably deflate and grow floppy once that secret is revealed. I've thus determined that NBC will in fact have multiple "events" during the course of this show, with a new one featured in every episode, each one more eventful than the last. After every event happens, there will be all sorts of shock and calamity and then a character will turn to face the camera and say, "But what about the REAL event?" And then a loud DUNT-DUNT-DUHHHHHHHHHHHN sound will play and the president will go "Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?" and then the credits will roll.
Based on this deduction, I've created a short plot summary for the first and certainly the only season of The Event. Hopefully this will be enough for you to grow interested in, annoyed by and then tired of the show, and save you the trouble of actually watching it. Seriously, screw you NBC. Detective Fist could be the Huckleberry Finn of my generation. Elbow deep in crime, and just cutting it up like a boss. Seriously, grow some vision-balls.
Event #1: Airplane Calamity
The first Event that the show will be about involves some sort of crazy plane mishap. The pilot episode shows someone trying to fly a plane into the president, which would be extremely eventful, except that they miss, when the plane is swallowed by some kind of space orifice. That's still pretty eventful, and everyone is amazed, discussing the eventfulness of it, when the science-lady turns to the president and says, "But that's not the REAL event," and then the credits roll.
I am not kidding. That's how they set up the cliffhanger. This show is as subtle as shooting the pope with a gun that fires pedophiles.
Event #2: Military Coup
The next Event will occur shortly after the airplane assassination attempt, when the president is forced into hiding. While he's underground, a shadowy group will overwhelm his security detail and keep him hostage. Then, this conspiracy led by the military and the Boy Scouts of America will seize control of the government. Martial law will be declared, and an outright ban on all airplanes, assassination attempts and space orifices will be strictly enforced. At the end of the episode, the president will be pacing back and forth in his cell, going, "Man, I can't believe I got couped!"
But then the jive-talking teenage hacker who's also locked up will turn and say, "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN Mr. President, that sucka's fo-sho not the REAL event!"