A Series of Wild Guesses About Where 'The Event' Is Going
Oh, right.This was also right when everyone in the entire world became sick of even thinking about
Event #1: Airplane CalamityThe first Event that the show will be about involves some sort of crazy plane mishap. The pilot episode shows someone trying to fly a plane into the president, which would be extremely eventful, except that they miss, when the plane is swallowed by some kind of space orifice. That's still pretty eventful, and everyone is amazed, discussing the eventfulness of it, when the science-lady turns to the president and says, "But that's not the REAL event," and then the credits roll. I am not kidding. That's how they set up the cliffhanger. This show is as subtle as shooting the pope with a gun that fires pedophiles.
Event #2: Military CoupThe next Event will occur shortly after the airplane assassination attempt, when the president is forced into hiding. While he's underground, a shadowy group will overwhelm his security detail and keep him hostage. Then, this conspiracy led by the military and the Boy Scouts of America will seize control of the government. Martial law will be declared, and an outright ban on all airplanes, assassination attempts and space orifices will be strictly enforced. At the end of the episode, the president will be pacing back and forth in his cell, going, "Man, I can't believe I got couped!" But then the jive-talking teenage hacker who's also locked up will turn and say, "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN Mr. President, that sucka's fo-sho not the REAL event!"
Event #3: The Earth's Magnetic Poles FlipThe real Event is that the Earth's magnetic poles are about to flip. All the most attractive scientists and hackers in the world have uncovered evidence that this has happened in the past and is about to happen again. Primarily to create dramatic tension, but also for other reasons, the conspiracy decided to lock them all up. As a shadowy CIA figure stroking a white cat observes, the costs of reprinting all the maps in the world upside down would devastate the already shaky economy, and it's thus in the nation's best interests to keep this a secret. "No you fool!" yells the president, because he's in the room at the time listening to this. "This event will do more than just change maps because of science!" "That's right Mr. President," says the president's wise butler, also present. "The REAL event is just getting started."
Event #4: Shark WeekIn an attempt to co-opt the Discovery Channel's most popular programming gimmick, the next real Event will be branded "Shark Week." All the sharks in the world, having been made hyper-intelligent by the magnetic poles flipping because of the science, will become immediately hostile. The sharks will join forces with their natural ally, the Puerto Ricans, and in a series of coordinated attacks, seize Washington D.C. "That was eventful as all hell!" the president will exclaim. "We have got to do something about all this before it's too late!" "But it already is too late," says the disgraced astronaut who is now the president's closest adviser. "They're doing the REAL event right now.""Of course," the President sighs."In Space!" The astronaut adds.DUNT-DUNT-DUHHHHHHHHHHHN!
Event #5: Gay BombThe real Event will turn out to be a ploy by the CIA/military/Boy Scout conspiracy to regain control of the capital from the enemy. Out of desperation they deploy the secretest, most closeted weapon in their arsenal: the Gay Bomb. This chemical weapon, launched from space, and designed to release pheromones and aphrodisiacs in an attempt to "reduce morale" amongst enemy troops, will backfire horribly. Thanks to shifting weather patterns caused by the flipped magnetic poles, the chemical will disperse out of control, "reducing morale" across the entire Western seaboard. "Holy shit!" the president will say from behind a gas mask as he watches an armored column, entirely reconfigured as parade floats drive by. "This is going to be the wildest summer ever." "Indeed it will Mr. President," says the proud and honorable shark-leader. They have come to respect each other and are now friends. "But wait till you see what happens next!"
Event #6: Kylie Minogue Conc- SHOW CANCELLEDThe final Event is that the show is canceled after five weeks due to sagging ratings, and replaced by a hastily assembled new drama: Law & Order: Crime Fister. Later, I receive a royalty check for $80, and hug a mirror.____
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