A Letter to Parents About the Fake 'Teen Crazes' on the News
Dear 50-year-old Me,
This may seem strange, but I'm writing to offer you a little perspective and wisdom. I know people generally wish they could write letters to their younger selves, imparting all the knowledge they've accrued through life, but here's the thing: I don't believe that knowledge only builds in one direction. I suspect, in fact, that you may be an idiot. I'm sending this letter the opposite direction through time because I want you to be a better person, so let's get into it.
By now you probably know that teenagers are terrible. Teachers, televisions, other parents and newspapers have all confirmed as much. The only people insisting otherwise are the teenagers themselves, and that's exactly what you'd expect those drug-crazed, evil hunks of greasy sexuality to say.
They can't be trusted.
Of course, you were a teenager once too, but not like this. Never like the current model. You were an eager and optimistic kid with a good head on his shoulders. But these teenagers are governed by something wholly different than intelligence, they are driven by impulse only. They run on the toxic fumes of burning hormones and gas station nachos. They swarm the streets even on school nights, huddling into their pulsing cliques, perpetuating one another's cruelty and confused sexuality while hopped up on bath salts and Internet. If they weren't the core demographic for horror flicks, there would be no need for beasts like vampires and zombies, there would only be teenage monsters haunting everyone, ruining everything.
All of that sound right so far?
No! That was a trick! Listen, Soren. There's something important I have to say about all those teenagers, about your teenagers, and you aren't going to want to hear it. Partially because it will ruin your concept of good parenting and partially because it starts with a description of rectal beer bongs. So steel yourself, we have to talk.
What's a Rectal Beer Bong?
A rectal beer bong is a craze among teens in the early 2000s. It requires a length of plastic tubing, a funnel and a butt hole. The idea is that teens cram the tubes in their own rectums, intentionally, then pound beer after beer with their asses in what everyone is calling "Butt Chugging." No one can point to a single instance of it actually occurring, but we all just know that teens are doing it across America. We just know it.
You may have also noticed that the video clip above describes vodka tampons which are equally as unbelievable, and that's exactly why I bring these news segments up. The fact that butt chugging and vodka tampon-ing, at their core, are unbelievable is an important point to remember. They are unbelievable because they aren't actually happening. You'll notice that in all of the news coverage, the headlines never read "Partiers Using Vodka Tampons and Beer Enemas to Get Drunk." It is without fail, only about "teens" because just mentioning the word shuts down everyone's bullshit detectors. As far as we know, teens are crazy. Of course they are cramming 151 up their vaginas, they're monsters.
Look at them. God knows what's in their vaginas right now.
And while it's possible that a teenager somewhere in the world tried these methods, this bizarre form of genital drinking is nowhere near the epidemic it's made out to be. At least, it wasn't before the news started teaching everyone how to do it. These stories spread like wildfire through the media because inciting panic is profitable for news outlets, but more importantly, because adults want to believe they're true.
This is where things get ugly for you, future me.
You're part of that constituency that wants these completely ludicrous stories about teenagers to be real. There's probably a similar story in your time about teens getting high by rubbing fermented breast milk in their eyes or something, and you're ready to believe it. You want to believe it because there is a part of you that is hunting for a motive to be afraid of teens, even your teens, and that part of you is not interested in reason or logic. I just want you to understand why that is so that you can overcome it. Naturally, facts and explanations won't do much to sway you, but I'm hoping that by writing this down now, you will remember it all in the future and realize why your hostility toward teens is making you an idiot and a bad person.
The Next Generation Is a Reminder of Your Irrelevance.
It's natural for you to be uneasy about youth. On the basest of levels, a young up-and-coming generation is a testament to your own growing insignificance. The animosity you feel toward teenagers is the same animosity old people feel toward technology; both represent an end to your relevance on Earth. It's only logical you would want to find faults in their new systems, proving you're still necessary in relation to the world. If that sounds off base, just look at the "dangerous craze" among teens in my day.
The media panic around I-Dosing is a desperate strike at two things adults don't quite understand and privately despise: Teenagers and technology. The preposterous idea of downloading drugs and getting high listening to a dial tone reeks of ignorance and fear. Everyone is willing to believe it because they aren't entirely sure what teenagers or the Internet are capable of. The news coverage just satisfies the urge adults have to poke holes in teenage and electronic culture at the same time. It feels good to believe this is happening because it allows everyone to point to the evils of both kids and the Internet while saying, "You see, they still need us! Our way was right all along!"
But even beneath that desire to protect and to matter to kids is an emotion that's less sincere, that's more petty and selfish than fear. Jealousy.
"People mistake us for sisters all the time, don't they? DON'T THEY."
This will be the hardest to acknowledge, future Soren, because it will change the way you look at your hypothetical kids: You're jealous. In each teenager there is potential and opportunity to achieve what you couldn't, not just in terms of affecting the world but in every quadrant of life, even sexuality ...
You know, I'm a teenager but I'm gonna put in a good word for teachers here. I honestly think that most of my teachers have a pretty realistic-- and optimistic-- opinion of kids, because they spend more time with teens than a lot of parents probably do. Teachers are alone with 30 kids at a time, and we don't kill them, all but have sex in front of them, or do any of those other idiotic things that teenagers do in movies. Consequentially, I don't think most teachers believe in that bullshit. Also, even though we don't always like teachers, most kids talk to them pretty honestly. They overlook a lot of minor bad behavior; I mean, they can't suspend every kid who swears or talks about drinking on the weekend. (Ok, drinking is not always minor.) So, I think teachers would be a force for reason if absolutely anybody listened to them.
ReplyWhen you say teachers you have to specify what kind though. My elementary school/ middle school teachers banned rubber bands and those scrunchie things because they thought they were sex bracelets. High school teachers are the ones who understand kids arent little crazy sex/ drug addicted monsters because theyre the ones who are with them a lot. Those who teach younger children, however are the 'concerned mothers' group
I haven't ever heard of the jelly band thing.
ReplyThe moar I know~
Someone needs to start spreading a rumor about fermented breast milk and try to see if it gets on the news.
ReplyI always enjoy it when people go off half-cocked not looking up something really obvious, like whether or not Louisville is the capital of Kentucky.
ReplyWhen I was barely not a teen (21, that is) it was the term "wilding," which supposedly meant "urban" (poor, black, and therefore bad) teenagers chose a nice white woman to sexually violate. It never existed until a policeman, questionally a completely innocent, but railroaded, black teenager, about the rape of a white woman in Central Park, and when the teen didn't quite understand, and tried to clarify what the officer was asking about by using a term in a current rap song, "wild thing," well, the officer decided he had heard enough, and the next day, the newspapers were full of outraged op-eds about wilding.
A couple of years ago, it was "PROM babies." I don't know how hard it would have been for whoever decided this must refer to girls either getting pregnant, or giving birth, at the prom, to Google the term, but it refers to Pre-labor rupture of membranes, in other words, a pregnancy where the mother's water breaks before labor starts. It's a situation that needs medical management to prevent infection, but how serious it is depends on how close to term the pregnancy is. Now you know. Nothing to do with formal dances.
But, heck, "PROM" = "formal dance at the end of high school year"; "baby" = "tiny person resulting from incautious sex"; therefore, "PROM babies" = "babies born at, or conceived at prom." And if there's a term for it, golly, it must be a trend. It's the kind of logic a second-grader would use.
I agree whole heartedly. As a 20 something, I already have trouble following whats going on in the teen world.
ReplyI would just like to say, as a teenager, that a lot of this is true. Teenagers are not as easily capable of rational thought as an adult. We are silly and stupid and obsessed with sex. And we know it. I would like to shed some light on the "rainbow parties" and sex bracelets mentioned. Rainbow parties do not exist, and frankly it sounds gross. Sex bracelets exist but more as a joke than anything else. The only people who take it seriously are couples who are sexually active and even then it's still many a stupid joke and an easy way to make the more modest friends nervous. It's stupid and no one takes it seriously. It's just teens being dumb and sex obsessed.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesWait!, so forcibly removing said bracelets does not! allow me to sex up unwilling girls?
Oh, but do rainbow parties exist? What if I told you I've attended them? WHAT HAPPENS IF I'M AT ONE RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT RECEIVING PASSIONATE ORAL SEX FROM THAT GIRL IN PHYSICS??!! um...*ahem*
My point(there is one) is that while it may be a personal peeve, don't you think it comes off as sort of self-obsessed to speak/write in a fashion suggesting that one is either able to speak for an entire group that they belong to or has the knowledge to say definitively what people they don't know do or don't do?
Saying something like "I would like to say...that a lot of this is true." would make sense, since you aren't claiming to speak for anyone or anything other than yourself since you're saying that that's just what you would like to say. On the other hand, then you start saying things like "Teenagers are not as easily capable of rational thought as an adult", with no qualifiers. If I were to say "Cats live on earth", I'm sure we could agree with that statement since many of us have cats around us here on earth right now; that would be a hard fact, and by saying "Cat's live on earth" rather than including qualifiers like "I think cats live on earth" or "Many cat's live on earth", I'm basically implying that I believe it's a hard fact.
In the same way, saying "teenagers are not as easily capable of rational thought" would imply that it's a hard fact that teenagers are not as easily capable of rational thought, and that's, well, a stupid thing to say (god that statement makes me angry, and I'm not even a teenager. I'm sorry you and the people you associate with are incapable of rational thought, but don't drag everyone else down with you). Hell, I just read a story in my last rolling stone that was about a, what, 14 year old kid who's a sophomore in college who I'd bet is definitely equally, if not more so, capable of rational thought than many adults. And even if he isn't, I'm damn well sure I can find people over 18 who are less capable of rational thought than people under 18, seeing as being an "adult" is an arbitrary line that around here usually means when someone turns 18. Either way, even if talking about people who are, whatever, 50 compared to 16, that still stands. As a matter of fact, when used in relation to ethnicity, religion, or some other features, that would usually be called 'prejudice', and it makes people angry for a reason. (BTW, I mean no offense and am not calling anyone anything, I'm just saying both prejudice and what she's saying follow a very similar line of thought, that "[insert group of people] ARE [insert adjective]")
That goes for the whole thing. I'm glad you're a teenager, but who elected you the official spokesperson? You write like a 5 year old who has yet to realize there are other people in the world other than the ones in said 5 year old's immediate vicinity. As a matter of fact, you sound like the stereotypical stupid, clueless, obliviously self-obsessed teenager many older folk would like to imagine all teenagers are like, so you aren't doing anyone a service.
I'm pretty sure you aren't any more qualified to speak for teenagers you don't know than someone who isn't a teenager, since in both cases it's just conjecture. YOU can speak for a fact for YOU, and as such can speak for ONE teenager, and to a certain degree can speak based upon your experiences with other teenagers and what you know FOR A FACT about them (and it's difficult to know something about someone for a fact unless you've seen it with your own eyes...and even that some of the more philosophical among us might argue). I figured I'd bring it up in the interest of avoiding any possible future slappings.
Here here, Uberpenguin. Here here.
"Mucus membrane" it's what's in your sinuses, vagina, rectum, inside your eyelids, stomache lining.... basically any surface people put drugs to get high.
Replysome of these things do become crazes, but only as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
ReplyI think the sex bracelets thing was stupid, but at the same time some of the more morally-unsound girls at my school got swept up in it. They actually wore the bracelets and looked up what the colors supposedly "meant". And they followed the rules too. So it was such a believable hoax that people I knew actually were living it like it was a real thing.. But I guess fiction can turn into fact if given the right circumstances.
ReplyCheck out the article about how Goodfellas made the Mob for more fiction into fact goodness.
Hah. It was just copying Birth of a Nation and the KKK.
Leave it to sex starved,alcoholic teens to invent something so clever and practical like the vodka tampon.How else would girls be able to get both wasted and give b.js at the same time?
ReplyJust get the BJee drunk enough and remember to swallow.
Soren, I... I just can't concentrate on anything you're saying. Since I saw your picture, and especially now it's been re-posted by G-Stone, when I read your articles I can't stop imagining your smoky, penetrating gaze.
ReplyI think I should just stop reading your articles. Cos it feels like you're penetrating me. And that feels goooood.
I can see why adults can be resentful of teenagers. For one, my parents cracked down harder than those of any I know and that's partially because my dad was a huge nerd throughout his life and because my mom comes from a culture and time where a girl would be branded as a harlot bringing shame to her family for having sex with her boyfriend before marriage. In short, adults are the ones paying for everything while a teenager gets the opportunity to have all the fun they never had.
ReplyAlso, I think a big rift in the relationship between a parent and teenager is that an adult got away with manipulating their child into doing things for their own good/safety because the child wouldn't question, but when they start thinking for themselves, I've found parents don't always catch on right away (if at all) and teenagers just feel like their parents think they're stupid.
You do not remove the tampon from the plastic applicator before putting it in the vodka. Tampons with plastic applicators + baggie with about 1/4 cup alcohol. Tampons absorb the alcohol but can still be easily inserted where ever you want. Don't ask how I know.
Reply Hide All See All 6 Replies*cough* bollocks *cough*
it's still gonna be soft - just because it's absorbed lengthways does not mean it keeps its rigidity, it'd be like trying to shove wet toilet roll up there. And if it's just a drop so it stays hard then all you're doing is shoving a dry tampon up your arse/vag, it's pointless and it's gonna hurt like a b***h when you take it out.
Seems smart, brunette
Plastic applicator stays rigid and it goes in properly (apply lube if using anally also a wet tampon slides out with just a little resistance.). Shove it firmly in place. Hit the little plunger and pull back on the outer sleeve, Sleeve slides off, and the alcohol engorged tampon is in place. Apparently you've never used tampons. Also apparently you've never worked in a field where you've had to deal with idiots who do these things and had to fix the after effects. Once the guy sobered up we asked how and why. That was the answer. After all we had patched him up and given him a prescription for suppositories to help with irritation the least he could do is tell us.
*cough* hairy bollocks *cough* As someone who has worked in the medical field (and a field of medics) I know how much we like to lie.
well, yeah - you're right, I've never inserted a pre-moistened tampon before. But my experience when they're wet is that they're really soft, mushy and would be unyielding to pressure from applicator. Plus an expanded tampon is double the length and it changes shape from being round to flat (even inside applicator). I truly, honestly believe the guy you're talking about lied to you. Maybe the real explanation of stuffing a tampon up his arse for something to stick up his arse's sake was more embarrassing than the fake explanation sticking it up to get drunk. Even if I conceded and believe this story true, I still stand by the points that I made about this being as near to impossible for it to be tried by more than one d******e that it's just not true as a 'thing' that the kids do.
If you've ever got vodka up your use you'll know it burns like you won't believe. Since the inside of your nose is like the inside of your hoo-hoo, I can only imagine what a bad idea it would be
Um. CSI like rest of the sane world.
How old are you, Soren? You don't have the insight you imagine into the 50 year old mind. I am not jealous of a teens, because I remember being one - the angst, the powerlessness, the fumbling, no-idea-what-I'm-doing sex. The worst was having ambition and plans & no skills to achieve them, hell, the fumbling at everything, not just sex. The only jealousy I feel to young people is that your bodies don't hurt and everything still works, and you are blissfully unaware of it... but good for you. Enjoy! ~~~RDC's wife who horked his id
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesResults are atypical.
How old are you, rdc's wife who's horking(?) his account? You don't have the insight you imagine into the teenage mind. I'd see why people your age would be jealous of teens, because I remember being one-the freedom, the lack of crushing responsibility, the perfectly functioning, awesome-experimenting-and-discovering sex. The best was having ambition & plans and knowing you had your whole life ahead of you to learn new skills and achieve them, hell, the discovering/experimenting with everything, not just sex. The only reason older people shouldn't feel jealous is that they've developed an identity and don't have to deal with all the chemical/life changes and adaptation, and while I don't know what teens you're talking about, many teens fully realize the advantages of being young and healthy, unlike the utterly moronic, mentally handicapped version of teenagers you and the evening news seem to hold in your head...but good for you. Enjoy!~~~Uberpenguin, on his own damn id
By the way, I'm 20, therefore technically I was a teen up until about 6 months ago, but either way I'm still pretty sure we're talking about, like, 14-18 year olds here. Despite that fact though, it certainly wasn't too long ago that I was in that age range, so for the purpose of ease I'll consider myself a "young person".
Anyhow, I'm sure you do imagine that young people are the most retarded beings to walk earth. That would be exactly what this article is talking about. You're saying THE EXACT SAME THING that Soren is saying a 50 year old would say, and to be honest you sound like someone over the hill trying to placate themselves by doing your damnedest to convince yourself being young really sucks...well, I apologize, but being young doesn't really, and living in a state of denial won't fix that.
Am I saying that there aren't plenty of problems for teens/young people? Of course not. As I said, we often times don't have life figured out and aren't sure who we are or what we want to be. We have to deal with hormone changes, moodiness, and awkwardness/anxiety that can be hellish.
We also sometimes do things that we later come to regret, or hold beliefs that we're sure we're correct in but later realize we weren't being circumspect, or set off on ventures that we end up not sticking with, or do things that are impulsive but ya know what? People of every age do that. Those would be things humans do, not just things those of a certain age do. Maybe one could say when people are young they do MORE impulsive things or MORE things they come to regret, but then again they also are able to be impulsive without consequences and are experimenting with many more things to be regretful about...but the ability to do those things and try things on a whim without fretting over them is why being young isn't terrible, like you're trying to convince yourself.
Your results may vary. I'm a teenager and I'm in near-chronic pain because I'm an idiot and pulled a muscle lifting a box the wrong way.
Weeeeell, you got trouble my friend, trouble right here in River City, with a capital T and that rhymes with V and that stands for Vodka! And Vagina. And not a lot else, because V is a fairly neglected letter in the English language. That's why it nets you 4 points in Scrabble.
ReplySorry, I think I lost the thread somewhere, but to be fair I think I'm typing pretty well for having just upended a full bottle of Wild Turkey into my bajingo.
I think your comment made me laugh harder than the entire article.
Maybe I wasn't cool enough to get invited to tha party, but it wasn't that long ago I was in High School and sex bracelets are a real thing. Just sayin
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSounds like someone was f*****g with you.
I think its adorable that so many people think sex bracelets are a real thing. Listen kiddo's - they're all making it up because they want to be cool (translation: sluts/boy-whores). Anyone who is getting any does not wear some fruity bracelet, ya know - unless they're awesome.
I had a "friend" who pretended they were a real thing, to seem more attractive and daring (spoiler: she was just a whore).
I'd also like to mention the fact that putting an alcohol soaked tampon in your vagina or alcohol in your anus is absolutely dangerous to do. Right to the bloodstream, that alcohol doesn't go through all that pesky ingestion/digestion phase. You'd have heard of a lot of people with alcohol poison or dropping dead because of this stuff. Also, I'm 20 years old. Of course, teens do have sex, but the rarity of a sex PARTY means that enough of the teenagers would actually need to agree to having this sex party, and we all know teenagers don't like to agree on things. Plus, even if you overcome the obstacle of teenagers agreeing on something and they actually DO go for the sex party, who would want to waste their time with all the lipstick bullshit? What, to brag to your friends who were also at the sex party getting laid?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesThe anus, yes, there have been documented cases of adults f*****g themselves up with booze enemas, but the vagina? The rectum is part of the digestive system, the vagina is not. Unless I'm mistaken, it's really not built to soak up anything. That's the part that's been confusing me about the whole thing.
If I am mistaken, please let me know. I enjoy comedy websites being my only source of health education.
Well I'm not a doctor but my understanding is that the skin on the inside of the vagina is very thin, and as such there are venules very close to the surface. The alcohol kinda leaks into the blood vessels.
Don't forget that we don't actually absorb anything through the walls of the rectum - it's just a holding area for stuff on the way out. The colon gets all the yummy water out, then it's just crap.
Can anyone with actual knowledge of science expand on this please?
You're supposed to use a low concentration of alcohol to avoid serious damage to your insides. I think I read 12% is the maximum. Also the alcohol hits you stronger and faster due to it being absorbed into you blood and delivered to your liver instead of the more traditional method of liver to the bloodstream. Many people don't understand this and down (or up in this case?) a whole bottle of booze because they won't throw it up. Bad idea. However, you can get a mighty buzz by upping a few glasses of wine over the course of a couple hours. Apparently. I've never tried it. Seriously. STOP JUDGING ME! *flees sobbing*
Yeah, the lining of the vajay is a mucous membrane, which would mean it's got blood vessels close to the surface kind of like in your nose, and your ass and a few other places, meaning most any water soluble materials could pass through. I'm assuming that's just through simple diffusion, but honestly I'm not completely familiar with the whole mechanism. I've also read the head of one's manhood is a mucous membrane, but I've never gotten a straight answer as to whether or not if I were to, as an uncircumcised dude, say, shove some sort of water-soluble drug into my foreskin if I'd get any appreciable sort of absorption. I've avoided any sort of experimentation despite my interest, as my member has always served me well and done what I've asked, so I don't want to tempt fate.
As Meerk said though, using alcohol in any fashion other than drinking it causes it to bypass normal digestion and instead go directly into the bloodstream; yes, it'll get you screwed up, but in general people like drinking it just fine and it's easier to titrate your dosage like that. I mean, I suppose if one was physically dependent on alcohol and needed to make sure they remained out of withdrawal for as long as possible then maybe shoving alcohol in some place other than their mouth would be more efficient, but generally straight up efficiency isn't what people are looking for when they consume alcohol.
Either way though, generally a good rule of thumb is to just not stick things in your ass/vagina that weren't specifically designed for your ass/vagina. You can end up tearing things, irritating things, and generally f*****g your s**t up, literally sometimes (sorry, I couldn't resist). I know I've read about kids hearing that 'butt thumping' things gets more of an effect and tried it with ecstasy, but being as it's not all too irregular for poor judgement and drugs to go together they just took tabs and shoved em' up there with no preparation; not only did they probably not roll very hard at all, but they also ran the risk of lacerating the lining of their anus, which of course could lead to bleeding, or more seriously infection as one's anus is not exactly a very sanitary or bacteria-free place to have an open wound, and on top of you're just an adding extra risk for a reaction on top of the other ones already present when dealing with drugs of an unknown purity. So generally it's best not to stick things up your butt, and if you must then at least make sure you know what you're doing; don't just shove first and ask question later.
To be honest I am 19 and I know multiple people who soak tampons in vodka and put them in to get drunk. I know still other people who snort those (previously) legal drugs labled for sale as bath salts. The truth is I think kids learn about this stuff from the news far faster then they would if these ideas weren't so heavily propagated by media. So yeah thanks media for f*****g up my teenage years.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesfunny, lots of 'I know people who do this' comments, no one going to admit to actually doing it themselves? Oh yeah, because it's bullshit. I'll give you the bathsalts thing if you can explain to me please, how you insert a vodka soaked tampon?
Interesting you would say that you know "multiple people who soak tampons in vodka...", since I was just reading an article written by a woman who tried it in several different ways to see if it would work.
It didn't, at all. It was quite messy and quite painful.
Tried a key bump of "bath salts", a long while back before it was banned. Just a bump and I was wired (like some really good coke) for a good hour... I can definitely see where people taking lines of that stuff could go out of their heads. Supposedly it's made with something similar to what's in ADHD meds, and yes it really was a problem down here. Kids felt that since it was "legal", and like coke, that it was safe and they could live out their Tony Montana fantasies.
To be fair, the "bath salts" mentioned (Mephedrone, MDPV, methylone), are barely dangerous at all in comparison to alcohol and cocaine. But bath salts is a generic term, and some can be dangerous.
I wear those colored jelly bracelets because you can wear them 24/7 and they don't ruin. I've had several people approach me and ask if they meant I willingly gave head, or if I like giving hand jobs. I had no idea why until I just read this article. I feel kind of silly being so out of the loop when I'm only 22.
Replythat trend was so cute
I went through a goth phase, but secretly loved those bracelets, so I wore the red and black ones. My more "knowledgeable friend" kept telling me one of those colors meant anal sex. Ruined them forever.
Mmm, you know, the older generation did experiment a lot with LSD and Magic Mushrooms and stuff like that. Maybe parents are just afraid because they did all these things themselves in La La land?
Reply