5 Hilarious Failures in the History of American Revolutions
Independence Day affords every American the opportunity to grill, reflect on the history of the nation and, state law permitting, set things on fire. Families spill out of houses to eat pie on porches or in yards while remembering the achievements of their forefathers; those ordinary men who rallied together in a unified stand against tyranny, injustice and the oppressing forces of that mother ship that blew up the White House.
Call me a bigot but I still hate those aliens.
Despite the intergalactic triumph which made this three-day weekend possible, the United States doesnt have an outstanding track record with revolutions. The standard procedure for unsuccessful rebellions is to sweep them under the rug of history in order to avoid humiliation. But some of these insurgencies are such colossal failures that they refuse to go away. The following are five astoundingly bad revolts of all sizes, from attempts to overthrow government to university building occupations. Ive provided them as helpful lessons on what to avoid if you ever build your own insurgency.
#5
NYU Food Court Occupation
In February of 2009, a group of politically minded and painfully optimistic university students occupied the NYU food court with a list of demands as convoluted as they were absurd. The demands ranged from a complete record of University expenditures including teacher and administration salaries to an in depth investigation of all war and genocide profiteers in Palestine. For anyone unfamiliar with geopolitics, thats the equivalent of a child holding his breath until a parent is willing to free Tibet.
Source: Tim Pierce
And amnesty for the incarcerated, asshole.
The students brought cameras to the revolt in anticipation, and possibly even hope that they would be forcibly removed from the food court by police. Unfortunately, the video they captured does nothing but reveal how ill prepared, self-entitled and ridiculous they were. At one point the videographer attempts to chase down an apathetic campus safety officer while screaming, Do not use brutality!
This video does more detriment to future protests than the invention of rubber bullets.
#4
Margot Fonteyns Panama Coup
Technically this revolt happened in a U.S territory but with the recent surge in American celebrities meddling with world affairs, the lesson is valuable. In 1959, Fidel Castro and Roberto Arias, the son of a former Panamanian president, secretly plotted to overthrow the Panamanian government. The problem was that Arias brought his wife.
Watch this, Roberto. Watch me. Watch me, Roberto. Are you watching?
World famous ballerina, Margot Fonteyn fell in love with the romance of the insurgency and candidly told all her friends about it, both in person and in letters. She explained how they would use her yacht to transport soldiers and guns or to decoy government boats away from the operation. Now, given the exhilaration she was feeling its possible that she could be forgiven for telling her friends about the secret plot, as long as one of these friends wasnt the British Foreign Office minister, which he was.
You see this face, Margot? You are making it sad.
The trouble with celebrities is that they hang out with celebrities. Foreign Office minister John Profumo told UK officials about the secret plot right around the time the whole coup spontaneously collapsed. Its not clear how much of the blame for its failure rests squarely on the shoulders of Margot Fonteyn, suffice it to say she was as useless as a goddamn ballerina in a political uprising.
#3
The Business Plot
During 1933 as the New Deal was ostensibly pulling the U.S. out of the Great Depression, the leaders of two corporate empires decided, Fuck that. FDRs plan had the power to redistribute the wealth to the American working class which threatened the livelihood of the elite. The solution? Overthrow FDR and instate a fascist regime that protected the monetary interests of the business community.
It was working so well in other parts of the world.
The Business Plot was designed to force FDR to step down as president and instate a Secretary of General Affairs in his place. They enlisted the help of decorated war hero, General Smedley Butler to rally the WWI veterans to help the regime change, but they somehow forgot to ensure that he was a supporter of their cause. Butler was an adamant backer of FDR. Butler destroyed the coup by going public but surprisingly none of the heads of any of the companies involved lost their jobs in the aftermath, despite the catastrophic possibilities that would have followed if the revolt had worked. In fact, very little changed except the CIA found a helpful trick for dealing with foreign interests.
Surely the plan for a fascist regime could work somewhere.
#2
Hutaree Christian Militia Plan
Middle America is known for its wholesome values, its running game and its ability to breed militant religious fanaticism. In March of 2010 (note: no longer college football season) a Christian militia in Michigan prepared for a battle against the Antichrist by trying to kill some cops. The group known as Hutaree plotted to kill an officer, then bomb his funeral in order to instigate a nation-wide uprising against the government. The silver lining to this ignorant, religiously fervent cloud is that the group was arrested before their plan could be executed. During questioning it was clear the group didnt have a strong sense of how fighting the Antichrist and killing local law enforcement was connected. That sound you just heard was the entire country and God facepalming.
Ice T: Fighting the Antichrist since 1992.
#1
Second Rise of the South
Rather than just an isolated incident, the entire movement shaped by Confederate secession has been one long humiliating failure throughout the past century. Lately, the Internet has been responsible for resurgence along the rebel front. There are hundreds of sites, groups, and stores dedicated to the cause, but none of them seem to realize that America has no patience for sequels about revolutions.
Websites like The New Federalist perpetuate the belief that there are enough like-minded people ready to make a second revolution possible, but a quick look at the home page reveals that victory in this war will not be dependent on web design or a fundamental understanding of language. A yellow box at the top warns: This Web site contains material which may cause thinking. It also features posts that can only be described as angry-casual. Gems like:
SOME SURPRISING FACTS ABUT THE CONFEDERACY
and
SO HOW DID WE GET SUCH AN INTRUSIVE GOVERNMENT? THANK LINCOLN
Its almost heartwarming to see their tenacity as over a hundred years worth of sore losers insist the rebellion isnt over and that the South still has a legitimate shot at seceding. Meanwhile the rest of the country looks on with pity as this benign creature pretends its still dangerous.
Possibly as a choking hazard.
Nothing breaks my heart, nor excites my nether regions, more than seeing the sad faces of violent dicktaters. Castro, you wily, sexy, vicious basterd, much like Soren.
ReplyDidn't you know that Civil War reenactments are them practicting?
ReplyThey are practicing losing? Ahhhhhhhhhhh
Republicans are basically the much more subtle #3. They despise everything FDR was trying to do, look up the second bill of rights.
Replywe should let the South secede. Then they can deal with all the problems Southerners like George Bush brought America. Also, since the South cares so much about protecting boarders we won't let them north and they'll have to deal with Mexicans all on their own while the North enjoys friendly relations with canada
ReplyAs a northerner from one of those states that subsidizes the south, I hear this a lot. Except for the Mexican bit, that's new. And funny, since three of the states on the Mexican border were Unionist.
Keep in mind though that Virginia and North Carolina are pretty important to our tech industry, and Texas is doing quite well for itself despite the crazy. I say we keep 'em. Except for Arkansas.
you might miss Austin, TX considering that is where more and more tech companies are headed (and why I moved here from the north)
Also, where was Bush born? and where did he go to school? give you a hint, not in the south. He may have been the gov at one point but that just shows that we aren't that big on "fact checking"
Gah, #5 moderately annoyed me. I understand that the students are complete imbeciles, but is it really necessary to say "Kids don't know shit"?
Replyhe sounded hipster-y. lets smack him.
Could you possibly be a described as a kid? And if so do you now feel the urge to prove just how much s**t you know. Go!
I think if I was an NYU student at that food court I would've just punched that cameraman.
ReplyHahahaha that NYU video is priceless. I love the kid spurting out random "f**king snakes" or "f**king pigs" while the cameraman uses bombastic phrases like "civil disobedience" (Bombastic in this case-I'm not saying this phrase is always meaningless)
ReplyOk, I just finished the video, and now I just fear for humanity.
I avoided watching it because I felt I would feel the same way.
The 'the south will rise again' thing is endlessly amusing. Not really in a truly funny way, more a pitiful way.
ReplyPlease, collective South, please do rebel again. And please, for f**k's sake, let their asses GO this time. Aside from the obvious reasons, imagine if they did get to form their own country. Imagine how f**ked up as hell it would be. I know I'm not the only one who'd lke to see that out of morbid curiosity.
what a troll.
They should have known it would have been impossible to make FDR step down since he was in a wheelchair...
ReplyActually, the press didn't print any pictures of FDR being stuck in a wheelchair. I learned that watching [adult swim].
Just proof that the best Presidents are named Roosevelt. One kicked ass from a wheel-chair,the other spoke softly and carried a big stick.... and got shot,shrugged and went on with his speech.
"Hey Ryan Olander! They want our ID! Should we give it to them?"
Reply"Freddie! We are going to decide without you!"
Way to ID your pals, guy.
Take Back NYU has a Facebook group with their demands on it, since the link in the article isn't working. It's just packed full of awesome.
ReplyAbout #5: I don't believe I've ever seen a more pretentious and hypocritical group of people in my life. I'm reasonably certain that if anyone tried something like that at my school, the football team would storm the place and beat the tar out of them for cutting off access to the burgers and pizza.
ReplyIn regards to #1, this is why I both miss and loathed college.
ReplyI think you mean #5, unless your college was in the South.
so many dreadlocks......
Replyone of the leaders of the fascist coup was prescott bush, george w bush's grandfather.
Replyapple doesnt fall far from the tree
I would hardly call George W. Bush the leader of a fascist coup.
I like how no one listens to the camera man as he babbles about his new form of democracy and how they need to get together and vote on things. Great article.
Reply"Hey! Hey! WE NEED...HEY! This is demo-hey! Guys!"
He's like an unpopular fifth grader trying to get the attention of much more popular kids.
Gosh! #5 was so infuriating! I hate those people. They're all pretending to be democratic and all lawfull and whatnot. Like they even have a choice about cooperating or not.
ReplyI'm usually very peaceful, but I think I'd have liked that video a hell lot more if those guys had gotten shot.
Seriously! What a bunch of pretentious asshats.
#5, best moments:
Reply"remember, we're angry, but we're (communicatively? communicably?) civil." he doesn't sound very angry...
"some journal material stuff... would be interested in confiscating." basically begging an officer to grab the book from his hands and paw through it to see if his crappy, half-formed political ideals might be 'dangerous' or 'seditious'
"corporate water" already noted elsewhere in the comments
"i don't (think?) they wear clothes, they wear suits." and here i've been, thinking suits were classified as clothes. apparently they're like a reptilian skin that our oppressive corporate masters can shed every time they gain another fifty pounds or so from leeching off of the work of honest, god-fearing, hard-working, americans eveywhere...
Liberals and progressives are a disease that needs to be cured once and for all.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYou have a poor understanding of how the world works.
Basically, you're saying that opinions opposite your own shouldn't be heard. And here I thought the right was completely for keeping the same values of the founding fathers.
Mudslinger, with a name like that, you MUST be someone everyone should take seriously.
(Admittedly, a name I took some liberties with, but from your post I know you're all about liberty.)
Let's get together later and burn some gays to death, alright?
Don't invite Charlie. He's weird.
Good God, #5 could have provided an article all by itself.
ReplyThose kinds of people pissed me off back in my own college days - they read about the world's problems for a year and a half, and suddenly decide they know better than all the people who've actually had to deal with them. The highlight for me was when the kid snarks off about "understanding democracy" to a man clearly old enough to have seen REAL social change.