A Book Of Insults Just For the UFC
The Ultimate Fighter is a reality show about professional fighters struggling to get into the UFC. In 2005, it introduced us to Josh Koscheck, total dick. Young Josh spent the show playing mean-spirited pranks and mocking other fighters until they hated him. He's such an insecure douche that the DVD release dangerously interfered with the natural bacterial culture of the vaginas in Best Buy. Despite that, Josh found success after the show and has returned as a coach this season. So what did his five years of world class competition teach him about maturity and respect? It taught him that you're a nerd fag for asking. And also, is baby going to cry?
Koscheck is belligerent like his name is Anonymous. He bullies fighters, coaches, medics, camera men... they try ignoring him or asking him to behave, but he only acts like that's some kind of victory. I knew I had to do something, so I began work on a series of Josh Koscheck insults. For example, Josh Koscheck has so little character that he'd punch his girlfriend for asking how she got chlamydia. Unfortunately, I was contracted to write a book at the time, and the publisher technically owned everything I was working on. Several poor decisions later, they released it as the following children's book:
All the smack talk in the world didn't save him from GSP's fists. He's surprisingly quiet these days...mouth must still be full of all that pie.
ReplyI love you Seanbaby.
ReplyThank you for making this, this is like a dream come true. My most favorite a*****e is tearing apart a complete douche-bag with just words.
You have been an inspiration ever since I first heard of you, Seanbaby.
Not that I'm training to be an a*****e, I mean in writing, like comedic structure, grammar, and philosophy. You already have taught me so much, I would still be a anti-social and awkward type of geek if it wasn't for your philosophies.
Ok, I think that's enough literary dick sucking.
I could keep going, but it's not like how believing in Santa Clause makes his sleigh run, so I'm going to go bang my head against a wall until I stop daydreaming about you.
Ugh... This guy's the second reason I stopped watching mma. First was all the douche bags bashing Kung Fu. I practiced Wushu, and everyone who was an MMA fan would have to tell me how it was inferior to BJJ. After which, they wouldn't stay to hear my explaination that wushu is a martial ART. And when Kung fu is applied for self-defense, hug fighting just don't work. For example: 1. If 2 people attack you, grappling won't help 2. Ball shots are taken into account in Kung Fu 3. So you've got me in an arm-bar. Ever seen "Enter the Dragon"? Remember what Roper did to Bolo? 4. No weight classes in the real world. 5. Throat spearing 6. Eye Gouging 7. Clawing 8. Gripping 9. Improvised weapons 10. And go ahead. Mention JKD. When the only given explaination of a self defense system is that it keeps what works and doesn't use what doesn't work, well then of course it's superior to every martial. And there are obscure forms of Kung Fu (northern praying mantis) that follow the same concepts:
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replieslow kicks, quick punches, open, mobile stances (no, the horse stance isn't the main fighting stance- it's used for strength building), and quick footwork. Wow- that was completely off topic. Sorry. Had to get that off my chest.
Well, I got nothing against Kung Fu. I actually wanna find out how monks can use raw life force. As for me, just because it's flashy, doesn't mean it's either for show or useless. The general rule of combat is, "IF IT WORKS FOR YOU, USE IT!" We all vary as fighters. I for one think that Wushu's pretty badass (I'd actually wanna get my hands on a Guan Dao once.), armed or bare handed. I just decided to stick with Muay Thai, Silat, Jiujitsu, and Krav Maga. It all depends on how you fight and where you're comfortable.
I'm not going to bash wushu, since there's been a few MMA fighters who were able to adapt wushu into mixed martial arts, what I will bash on is the whole kung fu scene in general - it is impractical, especially one-dimensional ones that refuse to even learn the basics of other fighting disciplines. It only deals with strikes, something boxing, kickboxing and muay thai are already greatly excelling at. Eye gouges, throat spearing, groin attacks, fishhooking? They were legal in Brazilian MMA for decades, yet in the end, they eventually didn't rely too much on those illegal attacks anyway, since not only not as effective as most people thought against someone a trained fighter who's running in adrenaline (there's a chance they're going to be even more aggressive after someone pulls s**t like that on them), if you lack the positional ability of a wrestler or a BJJ guy, even if you try to try to poke their eye, if they're on top of you, they can do something that's 10x nastier. Besides, those attacks don't incapacitate an opponent instantly - a KO, choke, or breaking a limb is the fastest way to defeat someone.
Let's break it down:
1. Grappling helps A LOT even against more than one person - if one guy pushes you down, throws you down, grabs you, or you're fighting in a small space, being versed in grappling will help you reverse a bad position, get back up standing quickly, etc. Funny how I actually used to think that way, until I actually learned submission wrestling.
2. It was taken in account in the early days of MMA, especially in Brazil. It barely changed how the fight went, however.
3. Bruce Lee did an armbar early in that movie. Most competition armbar just stays there - if they do an armbar in the street, it will only take a second to break an arm.
4. Weight classes were there to create even matches. We don't have weight classes when training in the gym either, unless we're preparing for a comp
5. It's near impossible to spear a trained fighter's throat because of one thing all beginner's were taught - keep your chin down.
6. Yuki Nakai VS Gerard Gordeau - Vale Tudo Japan '94 = 5'7" Lightweight grappler Yuki Nakai defeated 6'5" heavyweight karate/savate/street fighter Gerard Gordeau via armbar, even after his eye got blalantly thumbed. It will sustain permanent damage (he lost sight on that eye), but it won't immediately incapacitate someone easily.
7. Clawing is f*****g annoying, but it won't knock someone out. It also exposes fingers, prime for dislocating
8. Everyone does grips - grapplers do it for a living
9. Why don't I bring a gun? Even better, an improvised, home-made gun? Anyone with common sense and a feeling that they're being threatened can improvise anything into a weapon. Everyone has like three or more things they can use as a weapon near their computer desk right now.
10. Bruce Lee pretty much introduced cross-training different martial arts - a prototype of today's MMA. IF he lived longer, he would have been a great grappler too, since he was being trained judo by the legendary Gene Lebell months before he died. Hence the armbar in the intro of Enter the Dragon.
Totally off-topic indeed. There are douchebags everywhere, but it's funny that even though there are some douchey MMA fans (a tell-tale sign is wearing TAPOUT apparel), I've met more douchey TKD and kung fu guys than MMA guys. Not all of them of course, but I'm surprised at how many they are, especially since they claim to be "humble" and all that. In contrast, the MMA guys I've met in person are the nicest people I've met my whole life - a few only act like assholes on the camera for the tickets (which happens in ALL sports anyway).
As for Koscheck - everyone knows he's an asshole.
whoa there charles dickens. When the comment is longer than the article I believe tl;dr is painfully appropriate.
Have you ever been in a... fight?
I ask because well... you seem like you're functionally retarded.
f**kING MAGNETS! That's how they work!
ReplyJust wanna say that Koscheck got his ass handed to him by St. Pierre tonight. He'd been running his mouth for weeks up to this fight, and Georges turned his face into a bad Jason Voorhees mask. Little punk ass b***h got what he deserved!
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesDon`t be so hard on the man, he carried his battle plan of "not doing a single f**king thing" to perfection.
lmfao
It was almost too easy for GSP.
Bravo nova_NIN, bravo.
"You got Pluto Nashed" = Comedy gold.
ReplyJust watched some of the Ultimate Fighter repeats up to the finale last night(what a great fight that was!), and every time I saw this douche's face, I thought of this article. I seriously think that he picked his team based on how big of douches they were, so he could have some friends for a little while. Except Nam Phan, I really liked that nerdy little Asian, and he was the opposite of douche to the GSP team at the house.
Reply#311 is pure money! We need to call all douchebag/bullies like Kosdick, O'Reiley, Palin, by their rightfully earned titles:
ReplyChild-f**king, rotten, sneak-thieves! Word to yo mama Kosplay!
Sneak-thieves? So, what—they steal sneaks? I don't think that's a very good insult at all.
I'm pretty sure it's a Civil War-era insult.
I want the other 977 insults. Now.
Replykoscheck shouldnt even mention the word marines .......... he such a disrespectful person to our profesion what he did to the male nurse which by the way very commendable career ...really shows his true colors . cant wait til gsp smash him and get rid of the garbage in the ufc then we wont have to be subjected to this garbage called koscheck!
ReplyReply
May not be in the military, but I, too, hate it when people don't conduct themselves with the honor that is fundamental to the identity of the military.
I however, love it when people from the military show themselves from their worst sides. Because after all all that fancy fundamental honor couldn't disguise the fact that they're demented killing machines that some people are.
You know, although I've never been in the military.
'You got Pluto Nashed!!' = Gold.
ReplyHigh five for Gemini!
ReplyOne of these days I will remember to take my morning s**t before reading Seanbaby's articles and save myself the indignity of making a panic stricken scramble for the bathroom.
ReplySO GOOD.
ReplyI was reading this and browsing urban dictionary on my phone at the same time... I hit random and Seanbaby appeared before my eyes... i say it's fate.
ReplyWhy the hell do people hate koscheck so much? Hes an amazing fighter and he only acts like that to have fun and because he hates GSP. Im a fan of both fighters. Honestly the show would be boring if there was no one to joke around and piss some people off
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesThere is a difference between joking around and being a complete dick. And Koscheck might very well be one of the most boring people to watch fight I've ever seen. I personally would love to see him have to fight Fedor (hypothetically because I do know they aren't in the same weight class for whoever was about to jump my s**t about that) just to see him knocked out in thirty seconds. Just sayin
Then you've never seen Fitch or Shields fight, Cleveman85.
Also, yeah, Koshcheck is a dick. And he's not even the funny kind. He's the kind that make you feel a sort of vague pity before you watch him get annihilated by GSP. A very specific kind, in other words.
Fedor or, you know, a good fighter. One who isn't fed fodder to inflate his record. If he fought half of the UFC's heavyweights, he'd be exposed as the fraud he is.
I haven't been watching TNA Impact! as of late. Is he a part of EV 2.0?
Ahhh, my two favorite things: Seanbaby and pure hatred for that f**king bag of s**t Josh Koscheck.
ReplyCan't wait for GSP to make this a*****e look as feeble physically as he is mentally. Also Seanbaby, you are truly one of the literary greats of our time. Some day your articles will be analyzed in high school English class...
ReplyI can only hope.
I laughed so hard my insides hurt now. The little clipart add-ons really put it over the top.
ReplyOh my...
Reply"Koscheck is belligerent like his name is Anonymous."
That is just too funny. Did any of the trolls happen to catch that one? =)
No, us trolls isn't two clever to understund such hi inglish.
f*g.