8 Psychologically Traumatizing Kids Halloween Costumes
I recently purchased three bags of apples, five packs of caramel wrap, and 100 razor blades, which can mean only one thing: it's Halloween time! A time when millions of children are at risk. Oh, not just those trick or treating at my door, but around the world. I'm talking about the mentally traumatizing affects of certain children's costumes. Seemingly innocent, merry disguises that lead to years of psychotherapy. Can purchasing the wrong costume for your child really cause mental illness? Can you easily slip Rohphynol into a packet of Skittles? (Sure can!)
So here's a heads up on the top 8 Halloween costumes for causing psychological scars, replete with the faulty logic that leads to the parental purchase and the inevitable psychiatric opinion to follow years later.
8. FRANKENWHORE
"Hmm, my little girl is growing, and while I can see a certain sexuality to the outfit, it's not very revealing. I mean, here's a costume she'll love because it will make her feel like a big girl without showing almost any skin whatsoever. Yeah, this will work well."
WHAT A PSYCHIATRIST WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THEIR CHILD YEARS LATER
"Although the kids in your daughter's high school have labeled her "easy," "slutty," and "awesome," medically speaking your daughter suffers from what we call nymphomania or, more appropriately, "hypersexuality." What caused it? Well, it has been linked to adrenal cancer, methamphetamine, and often the manic stage of bipolar depression, but I'm going to go out on limb here and say it was caused by you dressing her as a whore before she even had breasts. Let me ask you this: what is this even a costume of? It's not Bride of Frankenstein. Is it Mistress of Frankenstein? And why are there bolts in her hat? To keep it from fleeing her syphilitic skull? I can't imagine there's anything appealing about this actual costume to a little girl. Instead, I'm guessing your daughter wanted this because she hoped to be like the girl in the photo. The ten-year-old wearing heavy eyeliner. Wasn't that, right there, a good enough reason not to buy it? Why would you want your baby girl to emulate a pre-teen who somehow already knows how to make bukkake eyes at the camera?"
7. GARDEN GNOME
"Aw, fuck it. Why not? It's cute I guess, right? What is it, a smurf or something? And what's this bullshit about liquor stores being closed on Sunday?"
WHAT A PSYCHIATRIST WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THEIR CHILD YEARS LATER
"At first I was ready to blame your son's crippling social anxiety disorder on the shame and embarrassment your public drunkenness caused him during formative years. But, in truth, the answer is much simpler. Y'see, how we process social situations is based on some of our first formative interactive experiences with the outside world. And for children, a big one is certainly Halloween. Now while babies dressed as bumblebees, daisies, and kittens are typically greeted by comforting oohs and ahhs, the photographic record I've been able to piece together appears to indicate that your son's first Halloween was filled with horrified screams, finger-pointing, and --if I'm interpreting this one picture correctly-- a priest dousing him with holy water. The hat seems, in a word, evil, and, really, those eyebrows only made it worse."
6. AVATAR'S NA'VI
"Oh, look! Its one of those Nabu creatures from Avatar. Becky loves that movie. Oh and it comes with a bag of dice. No wait, a mud flap? An eye patch! But for the crotch. Well whatever, I'm sure that leotard gives camel toe something fierce so whatever it is, I'm sure the Nabu know what they're doing."
WHAT A PSYCHIATRIST WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THEIR CHILD YEARS LATER
"It's never easy to explain to a parent that their child is a furry, but I'm afraid that's what we're dealing with here. Now understand, being a fur does not necessarily mean your daughter enjoys zoophilia (sex with animals) and/or plushophilia (sex with stuffed animals) but in this case, both are true. Had this costume been a little more accurate and contained something approximating a full leather loin cloth, I think Becky might have reacted differently. Instead, it came with a little pleather satchel of shame directly over her hoohah. And I think that filled Becky with feelings of discomfort about her genitalia. The only part of her sexually ambiguous blue zebra self that needed to be hidden. And all of this happened just as her hormones were kicking it. The synchronization of her new sexual feelings coupled with the animalistic appeal of the Nabu and the fear of her human sexuality had the unfortunate consequence of leading little Becky to Furry Fandom conventions since her late teens, along with hours of anonymous online sex with Teddy Ruxpin.
5. THRILLER-ERA MICHAEL JACKSON
"Oh, I remember when I was 12 in 1984 and all the boys at my Halloween party dressed like this. It was so cute. Hey, what's changed in 26 years? This will be great for my boy!"
WHAT A PSYCHIATRIST WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THEIR CHILD YEARS LATER
"Good news, I've figured out why your 10 year old son keeps molesting himself. (Allegedly)"
"midriff," not "midrift." Seriously? You couldn't spellcheck this?
ReplyI used to have that cheerleader costume! Actually, I got it in middle school, and it was about a third as slutty as all my friends' costumes (playboy bunnies and black cats- yes, in middle school) but it did make me hate cheerleaders forever (maybe because I was jealous of my slutty cheerleader friends who were dressed up like bunnies).
Replyh t t p: / /failblog. org/2011/11/02/epic-fail-photos-parenting-the-costume-thats-also-a-reminder/
Reply[Remove spaces before copying to address bar]
Um, why are there spaces?
I know this is all for laughs, but saying that no one under age 70 has watched Popeye is total bullshit. Like have you never even heard of Boomerang?
ReplyIf you think the Frankenstein costume was whorish or sexy then you have serious pedo issues.
ReplyI think the point made was about the implied sexuality of the costume. Gladstone mentions that it barely shows any skin. It's more the black vinyl corset and makeup on the kid that's the problem. And to be clear, I mean that heavy black eyeliner and a corset are by nature tools of sexuality and therefore not appropriate on a little girl.
Um... Strangely, the pic for the kid in the whoopee cushion costume looks a lot like my sister when she was an infant about 20 years ago. That's sorta creepy.
ReplyNevermind the psychological scarring of the whoopie-cushion costume... you know if you put your baby down for one second, someone is going to sit on it, thinking it's just a huge whoopie-cushion... not a costume. Because who would ever put a baby in that?
ReplyWould you sit on a whoopee cushion larger than any seat designed for what used to be the average human being? No whoopee cushion needs to be that large!
Dude, I would jump up and down on that cushion. If I didnt see the baby, of course.
Oh look, jokes about furries.
ReplyIt wasn't so bad, this time. It even mentioned that sexuality wasn't inherant in the fandom.
_
Before someone flips, I'm not in the fandom.
Any parent that doesn't just subject their kid to the godawful fucked up s**t that is Lady (apparently) Gag-on-my-dick, but dresses them up like it, deserves to have that child placed in foster care. To protect its own sanity.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesLady Gaga is MUCH better than the s*** i'm pretty sure you listen to.
MrDerpe you only say that because you don't understand the joys of the peewee's playhouse soundtrack.
I'd seriously would rather listen to someone taking a s**t than Lady Gaga. f*****g Christ.
I think the gnome costume is cute! Gnomes are adorable. My best friend's little brother dressed up as the Travelocity gnome a few years ago. And he *was* old enough to make that decision himself! He's a short kid so he thought it'd be pretty funny. It was.
ReplyGoths and Emo's are different......also, i like the franikstien costume, I've seen shorter skirts for 5 year olds.
ReplyI will agree that Goths and Emo's are different, nothing more.
It's not 2003 anymore. I'm not sure anyone's really concerned with the distinction now.
The whoopie cushion baby isn't even wearing it. Thats an obvious photoshopped face, the hands look like doll parts.
ReplyThey could clearly not even get a real human infant to want to wear this costume. Because it's horrible.
"If I'm interpreting this picture correctly, a priest dousing your child in holy water" Man, that's funny.
ReplyHey man. Hey. I know several suicide girls. I've dated four that are on the site and take e with a couple of them in la. They're cool peoples.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYeah, sure, and I know several of the Care Bears and we smoke pot every April 20th.
Holy s**t Wannie! Get me into this pot smoking Care bear group!
I've met three SGs and they were all such repulsive human beings that I wanted to stuff their severed heads with garlic. They are not cool people.
stop hating on the furries - if we scare them off, there goes our entertainment! (i really shouldnt say this, given that i'm currently dating one...)
Replyew. no one wants to hear that. EVER.
I don't know what kind of "entertainment" you're referring too, and I don't WANT to know.
I think you have goths confused with emos
Reply Hide All See All 10 RepliesTomatoe, Tamatoe.
Tomatoe, Tamatoe? You're not implying that they're the same are you, because there is a major difference.
Tomacco!
Indeed! Emos are irrationally and trendy angsty teenagers that wear black make up, write awful and depressive poetry, occasionally cut themselves because their mothers asked them to clean their bedrooms and dress in plain, ordinary black clothes. Goths on the other hand, are all that with the important difference that they wear flashy, baroque-inspired black clothes. Ah, and one of them swears by Fall Out Boy and the others by My Chemical Romance, but I never can remember which is which.
thats not it. First off, Goths are less likely to cut themselves than emos, infact its unlikely that they even will. And they're not whiny b***hes either. But the big thing is this: Emos hate themselves, Goths hate everyone else but not themselves. Goths also give less of a f**k.
and lets not forget:
Emos are into whining and "nobody loves me, the worlds a b***h"
Goths are just into dark and creepy s**t. Goths are much less depressed than emos.
And trust me the 2 hate being compared as the same.
just let it out, elliott, let it all out.
Jesus, what's with this emo goth fag, Elliot? Right, guys? Right?
@Six-Shooter. I think you have emo-goths confused with fags... haha, ok, I'm out.
Actually, Elliot, I think you do.
I wanna molest the snorgtees girl, unrelated, just fyi.
ReplyBoobs.
The Goth Cheerleader one is way s**ttier than the Frankenstein's monster one, imo, though the latter does bring to mind the s**tty adult version. To the Baby Lady Gaga one: No.
ReplyCheerleader costumes are inherently s**tty though. There isn't any extra s**t added to that one like there is to the frankenstein.
it's the frankenwhore's eyes. I really do not think they should have gone with that photo, tho if she can still do that look in ten years time the world is hers.
Ha the goth cheerleader ones funny
ReplyWhat the hell is caramel wrap ............... it sounds amazing
ReplyCaramel circles you put over apples to turn them into caramel apples.
DEATH DEATH EVIL LIES