It’s no secret: animals are out to kill us. While we spend hundreds of billions of dollars fighting the terrorist threat overseas, animal sleeper cells are biding their time, developing strange and fabulous powers far beyond those of man. Hawks sharpening their talons. Giant squids flexing their suckers. Dolphins waggling their prehensile penises. And leading the brigade, a very special cat that knows when you’re going to die. And that’s only the tip of the furry iceberg.
So, as a public service, we’ve decided to profile some of the world’s most superpowered creatures. As far as we know, none of them are on the Endangered Species list. Though with the help of fear mongering articles like this, and some generous gun control legislation, we can change all that. If we don’t, it just may be us humans living in protected enclosures and spending our days watching pornography to encourage mating behavior like nature’s loser, the Panda.
The Power: Atomic Climbing
How It Works: When they’re not using their British accents to hawk car insurance, geckos spend their time scurrying up surfaces with the ease of a machine specifically designed to do the same. But this isn’t just some snail-class gooey shit climbing we’re talking about here. Every square millimeter of a gecko’s footpads contains 14,000 tiny hairs, called setae, each of which branches into around 500 little tiny “spatulae” so small that they are below the wavelength of visible light. Using these invisible, atomic micromicromicrofibers, geckos are able to harness van der Waals interactions on a molecular level, sticking to almost every known surface outside of Teflon. Their grip is so strong, if it used all of its gripping power at once, a single adult gecko could hold aloft 290 lbs. At this point, it’s important to note that our brave men and women in uniform almost all weigh under 290 lbs., making them prime targets for roving bands of gecko hurl-squads.
Spirit Animal Of: Spider-Man, The Human Fly, Dan Osmond
Additional Powers: Can lick their own eyeballs, and expel feces when threatened.
Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Outfit our soldiers with the latest in Teflon bodysuit technology.
The Power: Energy Blasts
How It Works: A number of animal species are able to project ink, foul-smelling chemicals, or feces from their bodies. But in these cases, there is little to fear beyond stained clothing, a tomato sauce bath, or social ostracism. The bombardier beetle, however, takes bodily expulsion to a new threat level by harnessing the power of chemical reactions to release a boiling, exploding liquid from its body up to seventy times per encounter. In short, it shits napalm. We don’t even need to explain what kind of threat this poses to our citizens and toilet paper industry alike.
Spirit Animal Of: Me after a night of Tijuana-style Jalapeño Dogs.
Additional Powers: Starred in a children’s book that purports to disprove the Theory of Evolution.
Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Spiking the beetle’s natural food source with boxes upon boxes of Gas-X.
The Power: Electrolocation
How It Works: Count your senses. If you’re fortunate, you’ve got one hand raised, five fingers splayed in sensorial triumph. If you’re less fortunate, a birth defect or lathe accident has knocked you down to three or four, or else you got your fingers chopped off in a bar fight. But if you’re a Platypus, you get to raise six fingers, all presumably snapped from the hands of girl scouts and dangling from a malevolent bill. Platapi are monotremes (the only other monotreme is the echidna, who we already know are after our Chaos Emeralds), a type of mammal endowed with the sixth sense of electroreception, the ability to sense electric fields generated by muscular contraction. That means they can sense your directional location if you so much as move a muscle. Even a blind, deaf Platypus with no sense of smell knows right where you are, and he and his echidna friends are on their way. With tire irons. And they’re angry drunk.
Spirit Animal Of: Daredevil, Radar O’Reilly, the raptors from the kitchen scene of Jurassic Park.
Additional Powers: Venemous talons on each foot, egg-laying, and the cruel mockery of all evolutionary and natural law.
Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Convince them that their “protected habitat” is a Faraday Cage.
The Power: Superspeed
How It Works: Hummingbirds do everything fast. They’ve got the fastest metabolism of any animal other than insects, their heart rate can get up to 1,260 beats per minute, and they can flap their wings up to 70 times a second. One can only imagine the horrifying speed with which they’d fire shoulder-mounted rockets at our school buses. This incredible speed makes the Hummingbird the only animal capable of hovering in midair, and even flying backwards. The only device we have that can match them in aerial agility is the helicopter, and that’s got nothing on them for nectar-drinking ability. If terrorists ever decide to design and manufacture Hummingbird pistols, we’re going to be in for mobile, whirling vortices of sheer bullet.
Spirit Animal Of: This guy.
Additional Powers: A bifurcated tongue, the ability to hibernate in times of food shortage, and the observed ability to fly over 500 miles without stopping to sleep or eat.
Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Because of their speed, hummingbirds need to eat up to five times their own body weight in nectar per day. Destroy the flowers, and we’ve got these bastards on the run.
The Power: Sharpshooting
How It Works: The archerfish of India and Polynesia feed primarily on insects. Only, unlike normal, International Law-abiding fish, they don’t just wait for a bug to fly into the water and drown. The archerfish uses a specially-shaped lower jaw to shoot a jet of water up to fifteen feet long to knock insects out of overhanging branches. They are such skilled marksman that they can routinely shoot and kill an insect six feet above the surface of the water, while compensating for light refraction. Which is all well and good when they’re only shooting at bugs; let the animals wipe each other out, we say. But how long can we allow our children to cavort and play on the branches overhanging Polynesian rivers before we lose one to these deadly snipers?
Spirit Animal Of: Leon from The Professional, Simo Hayha, Robin of Loxley
Additional Powers: Enough PR to get two U.S. submarines named after them.
Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Polluting some of the world’s rivers might fuzzy up their aim a bit. Get on it.
The Power: Agility
How It Works: Your average house cat is already fairly threatening: claws, the evil eye, and an internal “righting mechanism” that guarantees that no matter how high a building you drop them off of, the best you’re going to get is four broken kitty legs. Enter the ring-tailed cat, probably shimmying backwards down a pipe. The ring-tail cat has taken “cat-like agility” to an absurd degree, routinely performing cartwheels on narrow branches in order to change direction, rotating their feet up to 180 degrees, and climbing up cervices in rock by ricochet-jumping back and forth between each side. That’s right; they can’t just out-agile us, they’ve got to rub it in our faces too. Word has it the Russians are busy recruiting ring-taileds for their 2012 floor gymnastics team. All that, and the evil eye is strong as ever.
Spirit Animal Of: Altair from Assassin’s Creed, Sam Fischer, Shawn Johnson
Additional Powers: The ring-tailed cat is omnivorous. Now, we don’t want to frighten anyone unduly, but did you know that the literal translation of omnivorous is “eats everything?”
Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: A nation-wide pole-greasing campaign.
The Power: Post-Mortem Impregnation
How It Works: Even a carpet bombing of the sea floor may not be enough to wipe these things out for good (although it’s not a bad start). Some particularly stubborn anglerfish species are able to procreate even from beyond the watery grave. The males of the species, when they find a female, will proceed with foreplay in the manner any of us would: by biting into her skin, then secreting an enzyme that dissolves his lips and part of her body, permanently attaching himself to her in the form of a decaying food tube. At the other end of the tube are the gonads, primed to release their precious payload at the woman’s discretion. That’s the human equivalent of stapling your nuts to an ex-girlfriend, on the premise that “she might need them later.”
Spirit Animal Of: Every needy boyfriend who ever “accidentally” left something at your apartment so he could drop by to pick it up.
Additional Powers: Bioluminescent head-lures, extreme resistance to undersea water pressure, camouflage.
Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: An abundant supply of morning after pills.
The Power: Every fucking thing
How It Works: The Octopus may very well be the biggest threat to national security since brown people. They’re the most intelligent invertebrate in the world, can detach their arms, spray ink, move in perfect cadence with underwater currents, squeeze through any space larger than a quarter, and change color to blend in with their surroundings. Due to the inordinate number of superhuman powers they were granted, current biological studies assert that they may, in fact, be God.
Spirit Animal Of: Mr. Fantastic, Captain Marvel (the shitty one), Dr. Zoidberg
Additional Powers: Not that they need any, but researchers now believe that some octopi are capable of walking on land on two legs, while disguising themselves as a coconut. So the next time you’re going to make piña coladas, blend first and ask questions later.
Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: If the octopi are attacking, there’s really not a whole lot we can do. The best plan would be to nuke the Earth to hell and start over. There’s a good chance the radioactive mutants spawned in the apocalypse won’t be as powerful or weird looking, anyway.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael is concocting defenses against the imagined sharktopus as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
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November 7th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Don’t forget about the Basilisk, a lizard that can walk on water.
October 13th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
Oh, and to ruin anyone and everyone’s day even more, octopi supposedly are the last living species from an alien race that lived on Earth before their universe was scrapped. All except the octopi. Suck on that.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:38 am
OMG, this gave me sucha good laugh. I will give a toast to whoever made this the next time i go out drinking!
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Left out that most octopi are now know to be at least slightly venomous, and the Blue Ringed can kill you with a single bite. Also, the eye can fit through a slightly smaller space than it’s diameter. It’s still a little squishy. And Mimic Octopi can convincingly copy the shapes of other animals. ‘Aww, what a cute fi…OH MY GOD! IT’S TENTACLE RAPING MY FACE! WTF?!’
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:46 am
[...] (Dark Roasted Blend) The 8 Worst Bosses To Work For - (Holy Taco) 8 Animals With Real Superpowers - (Cracked) Star Sower - (English Russia) In Search of the Mongolian Death Worm - (Environmental Graffiti) [...]
September 18th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
You forgot the Honey Badger with its super power of obliterating/killing everything in its path.
September 11th, 2008 at 5:59 am
[...] Link: 8 Animals With Real Superpowers [...]
September 6th, 2008 at 7:57 am
Meh, the shark looked pretty ‘meh’ about it all… maybe it secretly likes tentacle rape?
September 5th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
By researchers do you mean Karl Pilkington during a podcast?
September 5th, 2008 at 10:01 am
The hummingbirds have already begun attacking. At the very least, they dive-bomb me a lot. I don’t know why, because I do not resemble a flower at all.
My friends were stuck in a car with a ringtail cat, too. They were just chilling during break at work and they suddenly heard this growling and POP! goes the ringtail cat from the middle seat of the Expedition. Dave and Eric are in the back and they jump over the backseat, out through the open hatchback, to escape the thing. It was crazy and rabid. And it chased them. Poor guys. (It didn’t catch them.)
September 5th, 2008 at 7:09 am
What’s more, octopuses can not only change colour at will, they can also change their texture in order to make themselves look more like whatever they’re sitting on, by growing little lumps all over themselves. And they can stretch themselves out like rubber and get through any hole which is big enough for a single octopus eyeball to go through, because that’s the only bit that isn’t compressible (except the beak, but that’s smaller than the eyeball).
September 5th, 2008 at 3:16 am
I, for one, welcome our eight-legged overlords.
FM
September 4th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
You guys forgot the pistol shrimp. It kills with a sonic attack that is loud enough to be one of the loudest things in the sea. (And its a small small shrimp.)
September 4th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Incredible Article guys!!!!
References and jokes rule,, but
noone messes with the octopus!!
September 4th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Apparently I got edited a while back there. Otherwise you’d all know that Russians are breeding space cockroaches! Look it up! All other threats pale by comparison to Kommunist Kockroaches from Space!!
September 3rd, 2008 at 9:41 pm
LMAO COOL!!!!!!
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:13 pm
id rather get my face bitten off then get strangled underwater thanks
September 3rd, 2008 at 6:13 pm
im officially more scared of octipussies then i am of sharks.
September 3rd, 2008 at 1:50 am
Do we have to kill all the octopi if they move against us? Can’t we leave Tako from 8legged.com? He’s willing To Serve Man…. lmao
September 2nd, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Yarp: Nope, the devils are only found in the wild in that crazy little state that Australia occasionally tries to disown. It would be nice if we had a couple on the mainland.
Yeah, and that doesn’t even start on the psycho things that lurk on/off the beaches, especially in Queensland. Pretty sure someone went, you know what? This little continent down here looks nice, let’s make it almost totally uninhabitable and filled with poison and knives hidden on the cute furry animals. Aw.
September 2nd, 2008 at 8:54 pm
Since the octopi scare the living crap out of me, im left with no other resource than to eat them all!!! my mission has begun!
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:53 pm
#1 is a god indeed: Cthulhu. We’re fucked beyond belief.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:49 pm
up here in washington they released an octopus under the docks on the seafront named Tank.
Also, there used to be an octopus in the aquarium named Kraken.
octopi are awesome
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Dragonflies can hover in midair and fly backwards.
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Fuck. I think I just melted a DVD to the inside of my Xbox.
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Last I heard, Godtopus was a benevolent diety… and allergic to coconut, FYI. And Angler fish never get laid anyway, hence the blue lit-up single testicle on its forehead. Evidently he pissed off the Godtopus. You’d never get laid either if your balls were on your forehead and glowed blue when you were horny. And fuck that ring-tailed bastard. I don’t like being hussled! You’re not getting your 5 bucks, I don’t care how fast you climbed that tree. And if I see you on the stree, I’m kicking you in the taint.
September 2nd, 2008 at 10:35 am
fuck that!!!! I really want a platypus more than anything in the world. If I could have three wishes I would get three platypi. Seriously. and only the males are venomous. FYI.
September 2nd, 2008 at 7:18 am
J-pappi, email me at guitargymnastics098@yahoo.com
jpetrucci, i am not worthy.
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:52 am
That’s something I can agree on. All of the world’s best animals (wombats, wallabies, emus, platyp… fuck it, Tasmanian Devils [they have those on the mainland, right?], koalas, etc.) got focused into one corner of the world. Kind of unfair.
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:38 am
Re: overly laboured Aus nationalism debate
Hahahaha forget kangaroos, you foolishly seem to have overlooked the fact that WE ALSO HAVE PLATYPUSES (platypi/platypodes?) AND ECHINDAS. Basically everything in Australia is DESIGNED TO KILL YOU.
Painfully. Though I’ve yet to hear of an echidna fatality. It would be immensely amusing though.
September 2nd, 2008 at 6:32 am
“The Octopus may very well be the biggest threat to national security since brown people.”
Gold. Pure gold.
September 2nd, 2008 at 4:19 am
Sorry, man; I disappeared for a few hours (and am about to again). On here, I guess; I don’t have a facebook or mypage thing going on. Check the main article for me; I think I posted on it (the one about hollywood chicks). I posted my e-mail address on here for you once but I ain’t doing that again.
Holy Shit! It’s John Petrucci! Check it out! Dude, play Glasgow Kiss for us right quick, please?
September 2nd, 2008 at 3:35 am
octopussies are not a problem for me.
i have found the most successful method of dealing with them is to punch them in one of their 8 Ctenidiums
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:42 am
I would correct myself and say “one OFF the wrist” is what I actually should have typed, but then my head might not fit beside my sense of humour.
September 2nd, 2008 at 2:37 am
Oh look at me.
I’m one of those anal-retentive tossers that can’t grasp the fact that this is a comedy site laced with a facetious bent.
Oh sure i’ll paraphrase my sanctomonious, know-it-all quasi-sermons with “I don’t want to sound like a dick, but” or “Actually the real facts behind…” or “Hey, i’m a fucking expert on all sorts of shit so bow to me” but basically your mother has more friends then I.
So many Dickheadi, um Dickheaduses, um Dickheadode…Damn I can never remember the rule for the plural there. I’ll settle on plain old Dickhead then. So many Dickheads on here obviously have their sense of humour, along with their own heads, lodged firmly up their arses.
If that’s you, why don’t you go back to flicking one of the wrist and leave the rest of us to have a laugh.
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:40 am
[...] Link [...]
September 2nd, 2008 at 1:18 am
Octopi can also contort their bodies to immitate other animals that will either frighten their enemies or entice their prey. They’re fucking changelings, start draining politicians’ blood to suss out which ones are octopi!
September 2nd, 2008 at 12:39 am
Holy crap. The coconut thing is real.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OByt5ISrzJs
Yikes.
September 1st, 2008 at 11:56 pm
friend request you on what?
September 1st, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Dude, I’ve been jamming on them since I’ve come back this evening (the last couple of hours). Excellent. Love the balance, with nasty fucking death metal and beautiful, melancholy ballads. Good stuff. You ought to friend request me so I can pick your brain for more music.
September 1st, 2008 at 11:29 pm
hey J-pappi, did you check out opeth? I posted some links in DOB’s blog if you’re interested.
September 1st, 2008 at 11:29 pm
TrueTexan, you obviously have never so much as spent any amount of time in the deep south. I’m sick to death of ignorant fucktards thinking that the south is some racist mudpuddle, when infact we are probably more advanced in the cause of Non racism than New York, New Jersey, New Hampsire, and Massachusets put together. Honestly, compare how many black mayors, governers, city council members, school board members ect the south has had, and has vs how many the north has had. Or Texas for that matter. Or anywhere for that matter.
Ignorant fucktards.
September 1st, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Hey, if you got some rock you can hit all kinds of cervices. I MEAN it’s easy, and good too. But then you got to watch your wallet and wear three rubbers at a time while you’re at it. Life is a series of compromises.
September 1st, 2008 at 10:52 pm
“and climbing up cervices in rock”
I had absolutely no idea that rock had cervices…and here I am thinking that the easist way to get laid is to hit the club….
September 1st, 2008 at 9:40 pm
@TrueTexan: I was trying to be tolerant and generous earlier, but you’re apparently either an ignorant dumbass or a purposefully inflammatory dumbass. Either way, you haven’t done much to make your state proud.
September 1st, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Oh Jesus fucking Christ.
September 1st, 2008 at 9:19 pm
@ TrueTexan
“Although we are not the same sort of racists as those in the “Deep South” states,”
You’re a fucking ignorant idiot, Talk about Texas all you want but leave the Deep South, of which you obviously know nothing about outside of TV and Movies, out of it.
September 1st, 2008 at 9:02 pm
What?!
First off, Knuckles DEFENDS the Chaos Emeralds. If anything we would be employing him to defend us, not worry about him as an enemy.
Secondly, Ein Dose: Check out Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins for the original Game Boy. It’s the first game with Wario in it. Yes, you fight an octopus, and I’ll be damned if he isn’t hard to kill.
September 1st, 2008 at 7:25 pm
so the Archer Fish gleek their food.
Y.E.S.
September 1st, 2008 at 7:16 pm
@RegularTexan
Um, sorry honey, but Austin is NOT a good place to get an idea of what the majority of Texas thinks. In fact, majority opinions there are quite often the opposite of those in the rest of the state. Although we are not the same sort of racists as those in the “Deep South” states, there is a pervasive thread of dislike for other races. Although Austin may be diverse and generally accepting, the rest of the state really isn’t and has no desire to become so.
September 1st, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I’m embarrassed I started that actually, I probably should do more to limit my embarrassing smart-arse tendencies.
September 1st, 2008 at 6:04 pm
At this point, I think the plural of Octopus should be “OH MY FUCKING GOD, RUN!!!!”
September 1st, 2008 at 5:59 pm
Forgive me, I’ve never been to junior high school. I was completely unaware that Australia and Great Britain, are in fact, two separate places. Maybe I should watch the History Channel instead of cartoons.
By “bullshit” I meant the ridiculous and unwarranted nationalism that I’ve observed in most of the Aussies I’ve known, both on the internet and in real life. (The only place you’ll consistently find people more obsessed with overzealous patriotism is the American Midwest.) By “quit” I meant just drop it. It’s not important. We’re on the internet here. A website that’s supposed to be used for enjoyment no less, not idiotic bickering.
I’m actually kinda ashamed of myself. Whenever I’d see a mildly retarded argument in the comment sections I’d always swear to myself I’d never get drawn into one. Happens to the best of us (meaning me) I suppose.
Anyway, I apologize for underestimating the amount of damage that kangaroos are capable of inflicting on humans. I didn’t realize it was a sensitive issue for you.
September 1st, 2008 at 5:53 pm
I never saw one kangaroo when I was there, but then again I was in Melbourne which is basically one big giant green area with skyscrapers in the middle.
Oh and don’t worry MJ, my brother’s girlfriend is an Aussie chick, they’re both living over there at the mo, so insulting the Aussies is pretty personal to me.
September 1st, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Thank you Ross!
I said racist being he’s being an asshole about another nationality and clearly has no idea what he’s talking about, if he was just being an asshole in general I wouldn’t have used the term.
The quote from House has actual humour and wit about it. Notice how he’s pointing out a tell tale sign that we’re part of the Commonwealth? Now see how you’re using bad stereotypes to insult people from another country? I usually find kangaroo jokes rather amusing and I’m proud to be part of the Commonwealth but it’s your attitude that’s the problem. Usually when someone realises that they’ve made themselves look like an offensive, ignorant ass, and they actually aren’t one, they take the time to appologise rather than saying the offended party needs to “quit the bullshit” so I think it’s safe to assume that you are, indeed, an ass.
September 1st, 2008 at 4:57 pm
That’s a very strange thing for a British actor to have to say, one who pretends to be American for a living.
Aussies aren’t British, they were at one point but Britain at some point decided they didn’t want them any more and exported them to a floating penal colony on the other side the world.
Maybe you should read a book about somewhere outside of America next time, or else go there before you make stupid assumptions about a place you’ve never been to.
September 1st, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I was thinking of giving the quote from House, but showed self-restraint. Thanks for being my proxy.
September 1st, 2008 at 2:58 pm
octopodes. the only plural of octopus.
September 1st, 2008 at 2:19 pm
But Octopussies is already a name for a collective clan of James Bond villains.
Oh, and the Aussies like being British, but they’ve got a problem being English.
September 1st, 2008 at 1:55 pm
To quote Dr. House to Dr. Chase, “You’ve got the Queen on your money, you’re British.”
And, for the record, I know elsewhere in the world “racism” pretty much means saying something you don’t like about anyone for any reason. However, in the US, it has a more literal and dire meaning and is perhaps the worst thing you can accuse someone of. Seriously, even the Klu Klux Klan will get offended if you accuse it of racism.
And the plural of octopus is obviously “octopussies”. So there.
September 1st, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I thought cracked was joking about the coconut thing…
http://www.berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/2005/03/24_octopus.shtml
September 1st, 2008 at 10:58 am
I think the Ring-tailed Cat you are refering to is in fact a ring-tailed Lemur mate, in other news an Octopus is a cephlapod, I work within spitting distance of the BBCs Natural History Unit so generally pick up on these things.
September 1st, 2008 at 10:39 am
[...] one could go into either category, but it’s more science in the end, I think. Cracked.com lists eight animals with superpowers. It’s a fun [...]
September 1st, 2008 at 10:34 am
To the Regular Texan, re. the Brown Zone; I thought the Reverend Wrong, oops (Wright) was the only person to refer to the Goddamn state(s), as such. It would be a good idea for you to use a quality reference work to learn the meaning of the phrase, ‘brown people’ before you refer to people as idiots.
As far as obama being at 65% in Texas. Yes, he will change things, but you are NOT going to like those chages. So I ask you to remember; “I told you so”. No, I didn’t misspell obama. He doesn’t deserve a capital letter.
September 1st, 2008 at 10:07 am
Australian is a race? I feel bad now.
Seriously though, quit the bullshit. It’s stupid and pointless.
September 1st, 2008 at 9:35 am
Humans have more than five senses! we sense tempertaure, we know where are limbs are with our eyes shut, we sense pressure, etc…
September 1st, 2008 at 9:08 am
Yarp, you’re not funny; you’re offensive. I wish I believed that you could tell the difference.
You’re either incredibly ignorant, incredibly arrogant or just plain racist and I don’t care which because they’re all equally as bad.
September 1st, 2008 at 8:47 am
Two weeks ago I caught an octopus with my bare hands. To be sure, it gave me a hell of fight, but eventually it settled for a quiet existence in a risotto dish, with nothing to camouflage itself but shavings of Parmiggiano cheese. By that point, not even H.P. Lovecraft would have mistaken it for a dark god.
Octopuses can do a lot of amazing stuff, but they truly excel at being eaten. Especially by high vertebrates. After millennia of carving flint and painting caves from the inside, we rightly deserve our place in the food chain.
September 1st, 2008 at 8:20 am
MJ -89: Crikey mate! I care about this! (God, I have so many Australian wildlife jokes running through my head right now I can’t figure out which one to write. Wallabes? Dingos? Wombats? AC/DC? Australians themselves? So many choices.)
Panzer: You’ve got it backwards. Control freak women take the testicles FIRST, then move onto the shell that’s left.
September 1st, 2008 at 7:37 am
Clearly the octopus will rule the world. Here’s something to consider:
Sharks > Humans : Obviously if you’ve ever seen Jaws, you know this is true. Of course some will say “Yeah but Jaws ends up dead anyway”. True, but how many humans did he kill before dieing? 10, 15, 20?!
20 Kills 1 Deaths is a incredibly good score and I suspect he might wallhack too.
And since an Octopus is > Sharks, logic predicts Octopus >> Humans.
We’re all doomed.
September 1st, 2008 at 7:31 am
pimproyal…”The plural of Octopus is fishes. Fishes. Fucking duh.”
Truly magnificent.
September 1st, 2008 at 5:40 am
@ZENimilian:
I heard the most depressing thing that the male angler fish, in someone else’s words, just sort of ‘dissapears’ until nothing but the testicles are left.
Kind of like anyone who’s ever suffered from a controlling spouse.
September 1st, 2008 at 4:54 am
@ CamboD
We used to collect shells at rock beaches when I was little and I remember NEVER being allowed to put my hand into place I couldn’t see ever inch of or pick up a shell with a hollow (like those spiral shells) because of Blue Ringed Octopuses. Hell, I’m still overly cautious near rockpools because of those fuckers, they scare the shit out of me.
September 1st, 2008 at 4:53 am
Alrighty. Didn’t check all the posts but I need to say it. Terry, you’re wrong. The plural of Octopus is Octopuses.
Not Octopus.
Not Octopi (really, and that bothers the shit out of me).
It’s octopuses. I’m a Marine Biologist. It’s octopuses.
And yes. Every fucking thing. Anything you can do, they can do better. They can do anything 8+ times better than you. They can mimic not only the color of their surroundings for camouflage, but also the shape and texture. TEXTURE. They can bloody wrinkle their skin to match coral!
Also - on the Marine Biology anal-retentive ranting - the male angler fish don’t really die when fused to the female. Dead isn’t an appropriate label. They just kind of hang there. Like a parasite. Hence, this process is known as male parasitism. They supply the female with sperm and the male, in turn, ingests the nutrients from the female’s blood. The male isn’t “dead,” it’s just one with the female.
September 1st, 2008 at 4:52 am
The plural of Octopus is fishes. Fishes. Fucking duh.
September 1st, 2008 at 4:49 am
Your explanation of omnivorous would sound a lot more ominous and gross if I didn’t know that human beings are omnivores.
Monotreme means a mammal that lays eggs. I didn’t even know about this crazyawesome sixth sense until this article. I’m so proud of those little guys!
That said, freakin’ awesome article. I completely cracked up at the Jurassic Park reference.
Yarp says, “it is English, not Australian. (Really for all intents and purposes they’re the exact same thing.)”
Yarp is a fucking moron. Go die in a fire, Yarp.
Today a man was hospitalised after being attacked by a kangaroo. I hope it was you.
You should really check how dangerous an animal is before you make a joke about one being sicced onto you. It makes you look quite ignorant.
September 1st, 2008 at 4:17 am
Also dont forget the Blue Ringed Octopus, one of the most poisionous things going around. Likes to live in rubbish, like old cans and stuff and has ‘Despite its small size, the blue-ringed octopus carries enough poison to kill 26 adult humans within minutes’. ‘There is no known antidote’. Yeah, enough reason not to clean things from the ocean. Also, camouflage-
Can you see it? And that motherfucker is in the open. Waaaaaaaaahhhh these things live at my beach!
September 1st, 2008 at 4:08 am
I lol at “biggest threat to national security since brown people”
September 1st, 2008 at 4:04 am
Say, does anyone know the plural form of “octopus” by any chance?
September 1st, 2008 at 4:01 am
Octopus ‘walking on two legs…….disguised as coconuts..!’
Love it!
September 1st, 2008 at 3:12 am
Wow, by the photo of the octopus is a picture of Pastafarian deity, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, my the sauce be upon Him!
September 1st, 2008 at 2:43 am
Got another one for you: Turritopsis nutricula, the immortal jellyfish.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turritopsis_nutricula
September 1st, 2008 at 1:14 am
Plants have super powers too you know.
In fact, they are approximately 50,000x more powerful than all animals combined.
Don’t believe me?
Check out my site http://www.mindweed.org
September 1st, 2008 at 1:11 am
what about the dolphins they are the biggest threat to our world after the peta activists or is Michael Swaim a dolphin??????
September 1st, 2008 at 12:38 am
Hey Peepin’ Joe, ever use the words “television” or “automobile?” They are evil, nasty, bastard words with both Latin and Greek roots that managed to sneak into our vernacular. If you won’t make any room for octopi you’re going to have a long crusade ahead of you with all those other words.
Actually, it would be kind of nice if you got on that, autokinetikon, and (to a lesser extent) ipsomobile, are such cool words.
And for the record I use octopodes… even though people look at me funny.
September 1st, 2008 at 12:06 am
Ok I can’t believe how many people commented just to say that the plural of octopus isn’t octopi! Seriously people Google is your friend. According to the Gods of Wikipedia:
“There are three forms of the plural of octopus; namely, octopuses, octopi, and octopodes. Currently, octopuses is the most common form in the UK as well as the US; octopodes is rare, and octopi is often objected to.”
mmmkay? What I object to in this article is that being an omnivore is a superpower. Humans are omnivores and it’s really not that exciting.
September 1st, 2008 at 12:00 am
I believe that’s Georgian.
Hey J-Pappi did you hear that all the Walmart stores in Alabama ran out of ammo?
The governor, who encouraged the the citizens of Alabama to buy the ammo, said ” The Russians may have invaded Georgia but they’re sure as hell not gonna do it here.”
August 31st, 2008 at 11:41 pm
[...] read more | digg story [...]
August 31st, 2008 at 11:40 pm
I’m not sure if that’s Latin or Greek.
August 31st, 2008 at 11:39 pm
OCTO-PIE-PUS-FOOT-HOLE. Pee-pee doo-doo.
August 31st, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Hey, Peepin’ Joe - whilst not technically correct, as ‘octopus’ is of Greek origin and not Latin, octopi is still recognised as correct terminology. The term probably accidently slipped into the venacular, like many other words in the english language, and has been widely used in mediums such as literature, journalism and academic writing. In fact, the oxford english dictionary (2004 edition) lists 3 accceptable plurals of the word octopus - octopuses, octopi and octopodes. I fail to see how using a term that is used in the common venacular and is recognised in reputable dictionary publications makes me a retard.
I did enjoy this little battle of ‘My internet penis is bigger than yours’ though. Please do drop by the cracked comments in future to spew some bullshit that makes you think you’re better than the rest of the world.
August 31st, 2008 at 10:57 pm
you stupid, horrible retards. “Octopi” is not a fucking word. The “-i” plural suffix only applies to latin words with the singular “-us” suffix. The suffix in octopus is “-pus” which is greek for “foot”. GREEK. I dont believe I could live with myself if I was quite as stupid as you. I would kill myself.
KILL YOURSELVES NOW.
August 31st, 2008 at 10:15 pm
238
August 31st, 2008 at 10:07 pm
omg, that white gecko is a crested gecko!!!! how do i know? I WANT ONE SOOOOOO FREAKING BAD. its a very odd colour too… but still OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
August 31st, 2008 at 10:03 pm
You forgot that the Otopus can regenerate a lost limb in just under a week, so throwing them in volcanoes is the best solution
August 31st, 2008 at 9:28 pm
@ interweb poster The size that giant squids get to have never been established, it has been only recently that they have even been seen. They have found wounds on Sperm and Pilot whales that are indicative of a giant squid attacks. That’s one of the ways that their existence was known about, but I believe you are right about the Blue whales.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:28 pm
This whole article was written just so he could use that Faraday cage gag.
I tip my hat to you sir.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:14 pm
How could you guys neglect to mention that male Platypus have facking POISON SPURS on their hind legs?
August 31st, 2008 at 9:13 pm
noodlepie54,
where on earth did you hear that? blue whales are usually double the squid’s size. as far as i know, giant squid feast on other squid and fish. they are common to sperm whale and pilot whale diets, though.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:05 pm
hakukani: You think lizards dropping their tails at will is special?
Mick: You think that anything over ten is an appropriate age for sex? Why don’t you have a seat over there.
August 31st, 2008 at 8:52 pm
There is one line of defense against our Octopi oppressors: Astroturf. If you line a tank with it, they can’t grip it, and so can’t get out. We’ll just line the entirety of the earth’s coastlines with it and voila! Humanity wins!
August 31st, 2008 at 8:47 pm
i agree about the octopi (i know, i know, but it just sounds funny), their sucking cups (again, funny) keep working even after they’re dead, sticking to your knife and fingers. they’re dead, and they’re still tentacle-raping you.
but i would put the gecko at #2, just for the fact that we had to come up with fuckin quantum physics to explain how it manages to stick to everything, besides teflon. i wonder if the octopi can stick to teflon… i bet they do.
August 31st, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Summer is fast approaching in the Southern Hemisphere and thus begins the plauge of geckos that infest my house and make living uneasy. I’ve also witnessed geckos fight each other to the death. They make hideous noises and are angry little things. I’ve also come into contact with a gecko larger than my hand. I am officially scared of these things.
Octopi are one of the numerous reasons I no longer swim in the ocean. I’m hoping to forge a ‘I stay the hell out of your environment - you stay the hell out of mine’ pact with the octopi. Not that this will stop them but I’m hoping it will mean a relatively quick and painless death for me when they do inevitably migrate to land and take over the universe.
August 31st, 2008 at 8:32 pm
What is it with these ‘First Post’ dickheads. I hope none of you are over the age of ten! If you are, go out and get some sex. Now! That’s an order.
August 31st, 2008 at 8:21 pm
about the octopus being the most intelligent invertebrate…
some scientists think that the cuttlefish may very well surpass it in intelligence.
August 31st, 2008 at 8:12 pm
How could you possibly forget mephitidae? Skunks will give pause much larger animals, like bears. They’re tiny, and they’re cute, but don’t get them peeved!
August 31st, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Geckos also can drop their tails at will. They also don’t bleed (otherwise they would bleed to death when they drop their tails.
Your pic is fake. (but we all knew that anyway, right?)
August 31st, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Sweet typo on the ring-tailed cat: “and climbing up cervices in rock by ricochet-jumping back and forth ”
Do they really climb up necks in rock?
August 31st, 2008 at 7:37 pm
one of the best lines ever on cracked.com - in fact the only line I’ve ever felt the need to post about:
“the only other monotreme is the echidna, who we already know are after our Chaos Emeralds”
LOL! Love this site.
August 31st, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Whoa, I made a “Deliverance” reference without even knowing the previous post had “Squeal like a piggy” in it. Fucking awesome.
August 31st, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Texas is a big state. I’m sure it’s different where you guys live, but what I’ve seen (besides the surprising similarity in many ways between Houston and Atlanta) driving through hasn’t shown me much to counter the stereotypes. But then Georgia’s like that too. If you want to look all around, you can find rednecks that’ll make the people in “Deliverance” look like Rhodes scholars, but you can also find a pretty diverse and reasonably cultured contingent as well.
August 31st, 2008 at 7:32 pm
[...] Sep. 1st 02:32 h 8 Animals With Real Superpowers 0 [...]
August 31st, 2008 at 7:31 pm
holy crap sis that octopus make that shark squeal like a piggy?!??!
(1:34)
August 31st, 2008 at 7:01 pm
RegularTexan Says: SHhhhh!!! Great.. now you’ve let all the d-wads know. Just let idiots think what they will about TX or they’ll come here!!
August 31st, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Evolution ROCKS.
August 31st, 2008 at 6:54 pm
The most impressive animal I’ve ever heard of isn’t even on this list:” The Snapping Shrimp. It creates an air bubble, underwater, by opening and closing it’s claw so fast, and the bubble then imploded creating a very powerful explosion that knocks out other sea life and disrupts underwater communication.
http://stilton.tnw.utwente.nl/shrimp/
August 31st, 2008 at 6:51 pm
While any article that mentions that awe-inspiring awesomeness that is the Playtpus is automatically a winner, monotreme doesn’t not refer to electrolocation. A monotreme is any mammal that lays eggs.
@Tulip Sniper Nope, no gravy ejaculation. The males have spurs on their hind legs which they jam into the offending party and inject a venom that is so painful, the effects can actually last for months. While not likely to kill a fully grown adult, you’ll wish it had.
And to the poster who mentioned the Mantis Shrimp: Damn right that should have been here. The little (12 inches long) fuckers can punch through aquarium glass. They’re lovingly called “thumb splitters” by luckless divers.
August 31st, 2008 at 6:40 pm
That octopus footage is from “The Octopus Show”, a “Nature” show directed and narrated by Mike DeGruy (that’s him telling the story in the clip), who is married to my cousin Mimi. Lemme tell ya, that’s a fun guy to have Thanksgiving dinner with.
Please forgive me; I mention this for no other reason whatsoever than to show off.
August 31st, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I’d just like to point out, the correct plural of octopus is, in fact, octopode. A minor thing, but otherwise, amusing stuff.
August 31st, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Hey- nice commentary on the marvels of the animal kingdom! Didn’t get some references to ads, but informative and amusing just the same!
August 31st, 2008 at 6:33 pm
how… interesting…
mildly surprised that the Komodo Dragon was not mentioned… i mean come on… two komodo dragons can take down a full grown bull african elephant
August 31st, 2008 at 6:25 pm
“…only other monotreme is the echidna, who we already know are after our Chaos Emeralds.”
ROFL
August 31st, 2008 at 6:10 pm
I know, we should give lazers to the sharks and see what happens
August 31st, 2008 at 6:05 pm
what about those elusive Giant Squid too?
they scare the shit out of me, they’re fucking HUGE and near as I know they kill Blue Whales
Blue Whales people
as they say in ebonics, we be fucked
August 31st, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I’m gonna die by Octopus
Lets be honest, its the only truly honourable way to go.
August 31st, 2008 at 6:00 pm
These animals ain’t got shit on the Mantis Shrimp. Shit.
August 31st, 2008 at 5:46 pm
Oh my god, I just accidentally made a music video to JUSTICE’s “The party”. Anyone who’s got this song should start it in synchronity to the begin of the Anglerfish video. It justs fits perfectly until the very end.
August 31st, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Oh come on, a grizzly bear could kick any of these things asses.
August 31st, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Most of those are just variations on touch though. I don’t consider the ability to feel heat and pain as two separate senses.
August 31st, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Humans actually have 21 senses, so we would have to rise or other hand, all of our toes and our peni … toungue
August 31st, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Pfft, what would an Aussie do? Sic his kangaroo on me?
And Hastur was an octopus thing, wasn’t he? More so than Cthulhu at least.
August 31st, 2008 at 4:55 pm
No wonder Cthulhu has an octopus head.
August 31st, 2008 at 4:50 pm
phoenix
did you not just answer your phone question
August 31st, 2008 at 4:34 pm
That Cthulthu Hallmark card would sell a million. Maybe with a nice picture of outstretched tentacles and a face of a thousand millenia of terror and eyes to burn the souls of the Sons of Adam.
I’d give that to a loved one.
August 31st, 2008 at 4:34 pm
I ask you this; if the octopus is so dangerous, how’d the cameraman manage to get all those close-ups of the octopus taking down the shark? Octopuses, like a lot of animals in the animal kingdom, prefer not to try and tangle with anything larger than they are in size. Except for the poisonous ones, it’s very very difficult to get an octopus to attack a human; most of them prefer to run away or hide instead.
August 31st, 2008 at 4:29 pm
The plural of Octopus is Octopus!
Not Octopi
Not Octopuses
Octopus!
/idiots
August 31st, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Who is the smokin’ old timey dude pictured in number four?
August 31st, 2008 at 4:20 pm
If you are talking about the Geico gecko, remember that it started with a British accent before it switched once or twice. The very first accent used was very much British. Also, I Cthulthu you! *Hallmark card*
August 31st, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Octopodae rock.
August 31st, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Jeeze, Yarp, I wouldn’t want to be the one to tell an Aussie that his accent is the same as a Pom’s. In fact, I’d run like hell in the other direction. Although I have to admit, I thought the gecko’s accent was from the Antipodes too.
August 31st, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Octopi are Cthulhu.
August 31st, 2008 at 3:13 pm
@Tulip Sniper- The male platypus has a stinger on its hind heels, I believe.
August 31st, 2008 at 3:04 pm
You know I thought I had a chance until I heard about the.. Whole squeezing through really small holes thing.. They’ve got me beat.
I surrender to the new world order.
August 31st, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Angler fish scare the crap outta me. Anything that can survive 4349832943257 miles below sea level pretty much pwns.
August 31st, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Good Article Fine Sir!
Just one question. I was
under the impression that
Andy Dick had the official
title of “Nature’s Loser.
August 31st, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Tentacle rape! Yes! Now we’re talking. And were ring-tailed cats not common in cervices during the hippie era? Watch some 70’s p0rn1, y’all.
Good article, Swaim; “Blend first, ask questions later” is a classic.
August 31st, 2008 at 2:40 pm
you better watch out, japanese schoolgirls. you’re gonna get tentacle raped by the octopi and you will be defenseless against their uber superpowers.
August 31st, 2008 at 2:40 pm
there is one kind of lobster that can fire a sonic blast, it’s so strong that it can break the glass from the aquarium you’re holding it in.
August 31st, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Wow, I was not expecting the Angler fish (one of the animals that are so ugly that I ACTUALLY am scared shitless by them) to be on the list.
August 31st, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Fuck the octopus, even I could kill a four-foot long shark.
August 31st, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Did you see the octopus turn fucking red before it attacked
August 31st, 2008 at 1:30 pm
The Answer’s comment made me laugh even more than the article.
“shh shh shhshh,just relaxxx “
How does a platypus go about envenoming its victim anyway? While you’re laughing at how utterly fucking ridiculous it is, it ejaculates neurotoxic gravy into your eye?
August 31st, 2008 at 1:23 pm
“The Oxford English Dictionary (2004 update) lists octopuses, octopi and octopodes (in that order); it labels octopodes “rare”, and notes that octopi derives from the mistaken assumption that octōpūs is a second declension Latin noun, which it is not. Rather, it is (Latinized) Greek, from oktṓpous (ὀκτώπους), gender masculine, whose plural is oktṓpodes (ὀκτώποδες). If the word were native to Latin, it would be octōpēs (’eight-foot’) and the plural octōpedes, analogous to centipedes and mīllipedes, as the plural form of pēs (’foot’) is pedes. In modern, informal Greek, it is called khtapódi (χταπόδι), gender neuter, with plural form khtapódia (χταπόδια).”
Is this truly interesting enough to be discussed?
Jamila: it is English, not Australian. (Really for all intents and purposes they’re the exact same thing.) And just so as not to look like an idiot down the road, I researched my answer. (See Wikipedia.)
“In the subsequent commercials, the gecko speaks with a Cockney accent, because it would be unexpected, according to Martin Agency’s Steve Bassett. Jake Wood, a British actor and comedian, is the current voice of the GEICO gecko.”
August 31st, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Should’ve included squids. Though most can’t squeeze through spaces like octopi (Yes!), they can be a whole lot bigger and some species can leap out of the water and glide.
August 31st, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Also, like I mentioned, octopuses forget what they’ve learned, so if it’s any comfort if it does kill you it’ll forget why and go back to hunting non-humans.
August 31st, 2008 at 1:03 pm
How about the basilisk lizard (also known as the Jesus Christ lizard)? It can run at speeds great enough to allow it to run across f#@king water. This thing is The Flash, and it’s named after the Son of God.
August 31st, 2008 at 1:02 pm
British? Cracked, I’m ashamed of you. Clearly the Geico Gecko is Australian, not English.
August 31st, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Well so long as we’ve cleared it up that they’re yummy I don’t think any of us will need an extra pillow to sleep tonight.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:52 pm
I assure you then gentlemen that octopuses taste just as good as octopi, so no worries.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Its Octopuses not Octopi!
The word octopus comes from Greek not Latin so it doesn’t come with the same rules, if you want to be 100% correct it should be octopode but octopuses is generally accepted.
Your friendly language guru XD
August 31st, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Actually, I looked it up, both octopuses and octopi is acceptable. Octopi sounds like a very horrible dessert which is why I prefer not to use it.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Meh, anglerfish i don’t think should be on the list, all the rest are pretty awesome. Especially the gecko. (I don’t get the british accent comment)
August 31st, 2008 at 12:29 pm
I hate to be a dick (not really), and point this out Panzer…but the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition,
Copyright 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company does list octopi as a plural of octopus.
At least those bastards still point out that “irregardless” is a word that stupid people use to make themselves sound smarter.
It’s not a fucking word, internet! Get over it!
August 31st, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Good article, but it should have been saved for Earth Day.
August 31st, 2008 at 12:04 pm
The good thing is octopusses (octopi isn’t a word) pretty much forget anything you teach them. They could learn how to kill humans, but you’re pretty much garaunteed they’ll forget it next day.
August 31st, 2008 at 11:33 am
Mmmmmm….Octopi….
After reading this I feel very proud of having done my duty to humanity, i.e. having eaten a shitload of the buggers.
Fried, boiled and barbecued, I say bring it on…suckers!
August 31st, 2008 at 11:08 am
What? No Hercules Beetle?
August 31st, 2008 at 10:47 am
I always had my money on octopi. Squid are scarier, but I’ve never seen a squid walk on dry land.
August 31st, 2008 at 10:43 am
I saw a special on future evolution on the Discovery Channel, and a lot of scientists believe that in a few million years the dominant species on earth (on LAND no less) are going to be giant squid living in trees that stone your ass to death, and octupi as big as elephants that can rip full grown trees out of the ground by the roots. Be afraid…… Be very afraid
August 31st, 2008 at 10:29 am
well, hello dere! I sho be scared o dat octopi
August 31st, 2008 at 10:27 am
OH SHIT. I like calling the octopus god, thats pretty hilarious. But Thats awesome. I want one!!!
August 31st, 2008 at 10:25 am
@Schoeder
Some people do, they are called zoophiles, and that would seem like a very exotic fantasy for a few of them =/
August 31st, 2008 at 10:13 am
Hey Swaim, don’t you mean the ring-tailed cat climbs up CREVICES? I only mention this because “cervices” is plural for “cervix”, and no one wants to wonder about ring-tailed cats climbing those.
August 31st, 2008 at 10:13 am
by the way, anyone else gain a new nightmare watching it drag the shark away??
August 31st, 2008 at 10:10 am
Octopi are the juggernauts of the sea.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:48 am
A video game with an killable(that’s not a real word) Octopus enemy is Super Mario Land for Nintendo’s Gameboy.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:47 am
The cat you mentioned in the introduction, named by MSNBC as “the furry harbinger of death” probably deserves to be on the list.
“His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live.”
That’s fucked up.
Oh, and it’s Sam Fisher, not Sam Fischer.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:23 am
twenty third
August 31st, 2008 at 9:22 am
Hahahaha…
“and climbing up cervices in rock”
I assume you meant “crevices”, but I got an interesting vision of a rock with a cervix.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:22 am
Guys the octopus threat isn’t over! THEY CAN OPEN JARS NOW!
No longer can we simply hide inside an oversized jar of preserves to escape. It will only make us taste more delicious.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:19 am
I think, if video games have taught me anything (and they have, I’ve learned everything I know from video games), it’s that the octopi is truly the most horrifying creature ever. Why? Because on to of everything mentioned in this post, they are also invincible.
Think about it. Can any of you name any video game with an octopus enemy that has actually been killable? If our brave world savior agents/scientists/soldiers/plumbers/animals can’t kill an octopi, what chance to we have?
August 31st, 2008 at 9:19 am
“One can only imagine the horrifying speed with which they’d fire shoulder-mounted rockets at our school buses.” This was exactly what I was worried about. Also, good article, and a service to humanity! I will commence shooting, stomping, and burning every animal I can find. Oversized craniums ftw.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:13 am
when the octopus was killing the shark i imagined it whispering to the shark “shh shh shhs hh,just relaxxx “
August 31st, 2008 at 9:08 am
@BrownZone
You are an idiot. Texas is one of the most diverse and accepting states in the goddamn union. We welcome all who chose to come to our wonderful state and enjoy it like we do. Oh wait, except ignorant d-wads like you. Take a trip to Austin some time and see if you feel like leaving. Just dont mention that you think we are all somehow racists (obama leads the polls here somewhere around 65%) or you might end up with a bottle of Lone Star up your ass.
August 31st, 2008 at 9:08 am
Shawn Johnson is hot.
August 31st, 2008 at 8:53 am
Yay!
Michy mention Altair, the awesome!
Great article…
August 31st, 2008 at 8:50 am
So it’s not rape as the girls know they don’t stand a chance against what are no doubt uber octopi?
August 31st, 2008 at 8:39 am
Anyone who posts first just to say ‘first’ needs to be thrown in the path of a Lousiana hurricane and raped.
Ringtails rule.
August 31st, 2008 at 8:39 am
lol brown people
August 31st, 2008 at 8:35 am
BrownZone: No, no we wouldn’t.
August 31st, 2008 at 8:34 am
i saw a documentary of an octopus that would escape the aquarium that he was in and sneak into the neighbor’s house. the next night the owner put a brick on top of the glass thing to cover it but it still escaped. took like 4 or 5 bricks to keep it down. should add super strength to that list as well.
August 31st, 2008 at 8:31 am
ZOMG! Sonic and Knuckles!
August 31st, 2008 at 8:27 am
Very interesting. I agree that octopi are probably God. They look similar to His pictures anyway.
RAmen
August 31st, 2008 at 8:27 am
DAMM not second
August 31st, 2008 at 8:26 am
second BUT OMFG A FRIGGIN OCTOPUS!!
August 31st, 2008 at 8:23 am
I laughed until I cried when i read this line:
“The Octopus may very well be the biggest threat to national security since brown people.”
Any Texans reading that would just give a big “Hallelujah!!” lol
August 31st, 2008 at 8:21 am
third negro
August 31st, 2008 at 8:21 am
lol that shark got owned
August 31st, 2008 at 8:20 am
dammit
August 31st, 2008 at 8:19 am
first?
August 31st, 2008 at 8:18 am
Damn, that anglerfish thing is kinda.
depressing.
August 31st, 2008 at 8:17 am
Those animals are pussies!!
except the pandas… watch out the pandas!!!!
August 31st, 2008 at 8:11 am
iv seen a documentary on octopuses , where the octopus used its legs and its camouflage to make its self look like other animals like a sea snake and a lion fish. They can also be poisonous.
August 31st, 2008 at 8:10 am
oh no the octopi are attacking somebody call a sushi chef!
August 31st, 2008 at 8:04 am
first