7 Phallic Food Items Ranked For Their Dongositude

It's been said that the tastiest foods are all shaped like dicks. It may have been said by Jonah Hill in Superbad, actually; I'm not sure. But it's undeniable that wang lends itself to deliciousness, at least from an engineering standpoint. It's the most delicious of all shapes. But there is a small problem with too many shapes to choose from. With so many dicks, how do we know which is the most delicious and which is the most vulgar? Can a dick-shaped food be too dick-shaped? Are there dick-shaped foods less appetizing than actual dick (assuming you're the type of person not normally inclined to nibble dick in the first place)?

Clearly this needs to be sorted out. Are there more pressing issues at hand in the world? I dare you to name one. Don't bother answering, because obviously I've already written this well before you answered and have assumed, therefore, that there are no more pressing issues. I win. Let's dive into dicks.

#7. Geoduck

cementjungle/iStock/Getty Images

I don't trust the geoduck, for one very important reason: It's spelled wrong. How do you exist when you're spelled wrong? And it's not like the one girl in your poli-sci class who insists her name is spelled Sheye'Ahnn; it's a whole species of cock monster that's spelled wrong. How do you get "gooey duck" (which is the way it's pronounced) out of "geoduck"?

I read that the name comes from a Salish word that sounds more like "gooey duck" than "geoduck" seems to, but nowhere along the string of explanation does anyone say why they chose to spell it wrong.

The other issue with a geoduck is how it seems like demon cock:

L-Hamilton/iStock/Getty Images
"Your mother sucks us in hell."

Not normal dong at all, not like when your junk is hanging low and lazy on a summer's day and you're drinking a sweet Fresca because you're a man and this is what men do. It looks like the dick prosthetic you'd find in a Gwar video. It would talk and call you names. Maybe bite you.

For those not familiar, a geoduck is a clam that's hung like a horse, pretty much literally. Alternately, it's a horse dick that got bit off by a clam who still hasn't let go. I guess it depends on how you view the world. Cute, right? Only if you like horse dick.

So the geoduck lives in the mud and extends its boner self up through the mud and sucks plankton down its pee hole for a treat, then hucks out waste through another hole. It can sell for well over $100 a pound in China, and apparently it has a crunchy texture. I've never tasted it, but threatening me with a crunchy texture is a good way to ensure I never will. Meat shouldn't have a crunchy texture. Especially dick meat.

#6. Andouille Sausage

Warren Price/iStock/Getty Images

Sausage is a gimme on a list like this. Oh, look, it's penis-shaped, ha ha. Well, let's be honest -- it's vaguely phallic, but I assume that shape existed even before dicks, so let's not put the cart before the horse's schlong here and assume everything is dick-shaped when in reality dicks are everything-shaped. What makes a dick-shaped thing truly dick-shaped is a little more than just being tube-like, and that's why andouille sausage specifically makes the grade here. Have you ever taken a close-up look at some andouille, maybe while you're trying to figure out how two Ls together make a "wee" sound?

Andouille sausage has some real textural issues that make it stand at the forefront of cock foods. The outer casing often looks like what you'd expect the overly tanned penis of an aging playboy might look like. Remember George Hamilton? Picture his dick.

Rich Polk/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
You may have heard about the musical they wrote about it.

Worse still is when you cut into an andouille sausage and the inside has these weird swarmy layers of meat and lines that look for all the world like veins and what I assume would be the various girthy puffs of cock chambers. Does a wiener have chambers inside? Call me crazy, but I've just assumed yes. Like, you have the center chamber for pee, a couple of spongey boner pontoons on either side, and then various cubbies for jizz and assorted other facets of dongery. So an andouille sausage is therefore pretty wang-like, almost in a scientific way. Gross.

#5. Corn Dogs

rez-art/iStock/Getty Images

The inclusion of a corn dog may seem to fly in the face of what I said in the sausage entry about not just anything being dong-shaped qualifying for this list, etc. But there's a mitigating factor when dealing with corn dogs and that's this photo of Michele Bachmann:

Toby Harnden/The Telegraph

And this photo of Jeb! Bush:

Justin Sullivan/Getty Images News/Getty Images

And this photo of Rick Perry:

Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images

And this photo of Rick Perry:

Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images News/Getty Images

Good gravy, that is a lot of cornbread-coated meat rod being non-partisan.

Now an upside to the corn dog is that it's arguably delicious as shit, shit in this context taking the place of a word or term that would literally be extremely delicious and not shit-like at all. Isn't linguistics weird?

The corn dog's deliciousness goes a long way toward making it acceptable and awesome, while its vulgar appearance and hilarious political machinations do much for the dick side of things. If I didn't know better, I'd suggest there was a dick cabal out there forcing corn dogs down the throats of political figures left and right for the sole purpose of discrediting and humiliating them for the amusement of the rest of us. But of course that's a silly notion. A dick cabal. Can you even imagine, some group of shady penis-obsessed individuals who secretly run the world? Preposterous.

#4. Bananas

Airubon/iStock/Getty Images

Bananas were undoubtedly among the first of all foods to be compared to dongs. I'm sure there are a handful of particularly astute monkeys out there who pull bananas from the trees, ponder them for a moment, then go chase their friends around play-humping them. This has probably gone on for generations. I still do it at grocery stores.

Bananas have to rank on any list of knob foods because of their friendly nature. Everyone likes a banana. Is any other food so prominently featured in an ice cream sundae? Sure, you get a cherry on top of strawberry syrup, but that doesn't compare to a banana split in any way. Plus, any time the media needs a dick stand-in, we tend to get bananas. How many images have you seen of a woman eating a banana in a suggestive manner?

Osuleo/iStock/Getty Images

Tadas_Zvinklys/iStock/Getty Images

MarinaRazumovskaya/iStock/Getty Images

Very clever, everyone who ever thought of that joke. Bananas look like dicks. Eat one! It's like eating dick! Cue audience boners.

Now, the shape and versatility of the banana give it a high rank, but it's the fact that a banana actually is pretty delicious that it gets to rank on the list at all. Have you ever met someone who doesn't like bananas? Me too, and they were weird. Weird people don't like bananas; good people do. Strong people. People full of reliable, patriotic potassium. The people who don't like bananas are likely wizened, janky folks who steal and kind of look like the Skeksis from The Dark Crystal.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Felix Clay

  • Rss

More by Felix Clay:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

159 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!