A few months ago, I wrote a column about everyday things that were much sadder than they ought to be. Why sadder? Because a list of things that were just as sad as you'd expect would include entries like terminal cancer and genocide. It's not really the best comedy fodder, even for the worst people in the world (the Internet).
So over the last few months, I've been living my life while keeping a list of all the little things that make me feel disproportionately sad. Then I deleted all the entries that involved Cracked's Soren Bowie pretending to have any ethnicity and, voila, a new Cracked list was born!
#6. Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
There are all sorts of cookies in this world. Oreos, black and white, rainbow and even those weird tubey ones that your Grandma might pull out on a special occasion. (Yes, I know your Grandma. She's a heck of a sweet kid. You should call her more often.) Anyway, despite all these tasty cookie creations, most kind-hearted non-weirdos can agree that homemade chocolate chip cookies are just about the greatest things in the world. (Second only maybe to your Grandma's smile, bless her heart.)
"You should Facebook share that Gladstone's columns more. He's a fine young man."
Yet inexplicably, there are occasions when people take the time to make cookies and don't make chocolate chip. I can't pretend to understand the workings of such a mind, but, hey, it's a free country, I guess. If some freak wants to make Christmas cookies or M&M cookies or something, I can accept that. But what I can't understand -- and what I will not accept -- is a world where people are free to make oatmeal raisin cookies. And not just because such a concoction is dangerously close to being healthful, but because it's a tease. Do you know how many times I've gotten excited about the prospect of eating a chocolate chip cookie, only to find out it's oatmeal raisin? Me either. One sec, let me ask your Grandma. Ten! Ten times.
Not to engage in hyperbole, but that's like coming home to find what you believe is a naked Megan Fox in your bed only to discover it's a plate of oatmeal raisin cookies.
I think I may have messed that example up.
#5. Old People With Shoes But No Socks
In truth, I'm not sure this one actually belongs on the list because it might be understandably sad, but I'm including it anyway, and not just because the last time I handed in a list with only five entries, Jack O'Brien flashed those hurt Jared Leto puppy dog eyes that broke my heart.
"Hey, buddy. You don't want to make me sad, do you?"
I'm including it because you've probably seen sockless, shoe-wearing geriatrics many times in your life and not thought much of it. Hey, they're the greatest generation. If they want to rock their shoes sans sock, so be it! But here's the sad truth behind this phenomenon. Y'see, it's a lot easier to slip on Velcro Payless loafers than bend over and put on some socks. Or to pull your foot up to your thigh. But it would be easy to do if you had some help. Yep. Every time you see an elderly person without socks, you know you're witnessing someone on the road to dying alone.
Yeah, that's legit sad. It doesn't really fit the list -- you're right. But seriously, when you make Jack happy, not even sunglasses can hide the love that flows from this man's peepers.
"Six entries! Thanks, buddy."
#4. Someone Remaking Your Joke
This one's a little difficult to explain. It's sort of like when people are stupid enough to answer a rhetorical question, but somehow far worse. It actually happens to me on Twitter a lot, and it always bums me out. I make a joke and then one of my followers replies, making the same joke while thinking they're adding to it. Now, I'm not going to give any examples from my account, because I think anyone who follows me on Twitter is the smartest and sexiest person alive and undeserving of such ridicule. Also, I don't have the patience to scroll through all my nonsense. So instead, I'll use Photoshop to create the illusion that Adam Tod Brown is not funny because, seriously, screw that guy.
And Adam will reply:
Or let's say I tweet:
And then comes the reply:
I was gonna do a third example, because comedy writers like to do that, but those last two have already saddened me so greatly that I'm starting to swallow my tongue. Also, Adam might beat me to death if I libel him any further.