5 Things That Are Much Sadder Than They Ought To Be
The world is a sharp and dangerous place filled with no shortage of truly awful things to tear our guts out and make us cry forever. We know what they are: War, illness, puppy rape and Brett Ratner movies. But there are also all sorts of tiny, less obvious things that -- for no good reason -- can fill us with a sadness so pervasive we're forced to look away. Or at least there are for me. Not enough to make me cry. Just a vaguely disconcerting emptiness that emerges more and more unless I fill it up with happiness or alcohol. Here are five of my big triggers to melancholy. Do you have different ones? Express them in an interpretive dance, upload to YouTube and send me the link!
#5. People Trying To Be Funny In Magazine Photos
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The other day I was heading to work and I saw a newsstand fronting some magazine's "comedy issue." I honestly don't know what mag it was or who was on the cover because I walked away to avoid seeing someone I respected wearing Groucho Marx glasses, holding a rubber chicken or doing something else equally awful.
Staged photographs of comics are always a letdown because most celebs didn't get where they are today by being funny in still pictures. In fact, not only is it nearly impossible to be funny in a staged photo, it's also pretty hard to avoid looking like a giant douche. Even three of the most hilarious human beings to ever set foot online have failed.
Don't worry. We all feel a deep sense of shame about this.
And it's not just the Cracked comedic brain trust that can fail. Look at these pics below, and keep in mind that every single one of these people is talented. That's why these ham-fisted attempts at humor make me so very sad. It's like even talented artists are saying, "All right, fuck it. I'll sit on a whoopee cushion for a GQ shoot. My manager said it's good press."
Entertainment Weekly
Wait. She's dressed like the Queen, but she's not the Queen ... oh, I get it!
"Is that sadder than seeing pics of war crimes or watching Tower Heist?" some of you ask.
No, not as sad. (You skipped the part in the introduction where I already explained that, didn't you? You also make me sad.)
GQ
OMG, pocket watermelon and giant foam hands? Now, I've seen everything!
#4. Old People in Fast Food Restaurants
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As you may have heard, a prerequisite to working for Cracked is the completion of an intense physical strength regimen not unlike the one for Navy Seals. (Why else would a grown man like Seanbaby waste so much time with mixed martial arts?) As such, I rarely frequent fast food establishments unless I'm making McNuggets runs for DOB. (As Cracked's senior writer, he's exempt from the requirements and consequently has no abs.) In any event, the point is, I don't go to fast food places too often, but when I do, and I see old people there, I get a little sad.
I'm not sure why. I mean, when I'm 70 and retire from Cracked after having sold the movie rights to my column 5 Hidden References to Deviant Sexual Practices in Family Matters, I might treat myself to a McNugget or two (if DOB hasn't eaten them all). So what's the big deal?
I don't know, but when I see old people in McDonald's, I instantly invent tragic back stories, usually involving younger versions of these senior citizens who were forced to chow on burgers in their 20s and 30s while still believing that some day they would be in a better place. Some day that ship would come in, and only the finest foods would pass their lips.
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"Can you believe we used to eat that crap before we made all that money in white slavery? Bwahahahahaha!"
So I guess somewhere in my head I believe an old person eating a Big Mac is what it looks like when dreams die.
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"Why do you hate me, God?"
#3. The Less Intelligent Members of the Gay Community
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By the time I was in my teens, most of my stereotypical assumptions about the gay community had been shattered by reality. I learned fairly quickly that not all gay men have a good fashion sense. Not all lesbians work at Home Depot. Gays aren't all bleeding heart liberals or disco fans. Some gay men are macho sports nuts. Some gay women are girly-girl fashion mavens. I get it. We all get it, and if we don't, then there are enough members of the gay community to point it out and make sure we do.
But more recently it occurred to me there was another assumption I'd been making about gay people that never seemed to get corrected. Specifically, that all gays are smart. Uniformly. As if that were even possible. Not sure why I jumped to this conclusion. Maybe it's because when I think of homophobes, I think of small-minded neurologically impaired, thick-necked dbags whose limited IQs make them fear and hate anything outside of their immediate experience. So (in my own neurologically-impaired way) I assumed that the opposite of a homophobe must be more enlightened and intelligent.
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"I just solved Fermat's last theorem while waxing. Isn't that hilarious?"
But of course that's absurd. Heterosexuals don't have a monopoly on stupidity and there are plenty of LGBT folks who are every bit as functionally retarded as the straight people who ruin life for the rest of us. But the thing is, despite there being nothing unusual about a full intelligence spectrum in the gay community, dim-witted gays still make me incredibly sad. Maybe it's because it's hard enough to struggle for equality without spending all day struggling to figure out the 20 percent tip on your quiche or brie or whatever gay people eat. Or maybe it's because I've seen some big, dumb, gay-bashers in my day and I'd like to think all gays had an intellectual advantage over such adversaries. But no. Stupid has no single sexual orientation.
*By the way, spoiler alert to any gay commenters who call me homophobic for this entry. Read all the words. It's not homophobic. Your comment makes me sad.
When I was a young man in my late teens and early twenties, I went through a lot of lonely self analysis and soul searching before I came out as a gay man. I assumed that all openly gay men had gone through a similar process and that they would all be highly intelligent. I quickly learned otherwise (sadness).
ReplyI then learned that a lot of the not-so-bright gay men I met were really good in bed (happiness)!
Then I learned that it takes more than just being good in the sack (for me) to want to sustain a relationship (sadness again).
Don't be sad, Liadon63. :(
#3 is understandable, but you have to realize that the opposite of homophobia isn't homosexuality but tolerance. Thankfully, you don't have to be smart to get that. All you need is common sense.
ReplyAs a semi-intelligent gay person, I strongly agree with you. It was a sort of painful epiphany when I realized this fact. Also, when I realized that we won't all get along either.
ReplySadly, there are a lot of very stupid gay people that I've met (in the midwest, more so). A lot of em dropped out of high school due to struggling to fit in and feeling extremely outcast (gay in the midwest = depression). Thus, ended up poorly educated and in s****y jobs surrounded by other uneducated people...
(not that all uneducated people are stupid, but... well, anyway..it's sad still to me)
Yeah you know because in any major city all gay people are smart. So smart that they still have gay parades. I mean really at this day and age in any city like New York or San Francisco no one gives a s**t if you're gay, so what became a fight for equality turned into a celebration of sexuality. I mean really if your doing it for the "cause" try cities where homosexuals are repressed, it would make more sense...
And another point not everyone who goes to college is smart. Fraternities and sport scholarships should prove you that.
There's nothing wrong with Passive-aggressive comment most of the time. Don't you people see? Sometimes it's a cry for help. Sometimes when you can't afford to be direct out of fear of losing your friends, you post a vague update, hoping that maybe your friends understands what's the problem.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOf course, sadly, in our world, that probably doesn't happen 99% of time, and the vague cry for help gets unnoticed and forgotten.
Because that;s dumb. Either suck it up, or deal with it. Instead on placing a vague hope on being annoying, use your words and talk to the person.
I agree that it's dumb, though most of us probably do it from time to time anyway. If speaking your mind means losing your friends, then you either need to change your mind to something you can speak or choose friends who are more accepting of what you have to say. That's my ideal anyway, though I can't claim I totally live up to it.
Sure, s**t like that is fine... when you're about 15 or 16, and still in high school. I realize a lot of readers/commenters here still are, but at least many of them are somewhat mature. Once you're an adult, i.e. out of HS and over 18 at least, you should realize that that accomplishes nothing and just makes you look like an asshole. If you truly care about the relationship in jeopardy, fix whatever the issue is. If not, then it's not even worth being a whiny ass about it in the first place.
Homophobia is awesome.
ReplyI'm sad when I see old people in fast food restaurants, but not because it means they're poor. It's because we have this vision of old people as being able to make their own food, being able to cook or even plant stuff in the ground and make it grow. Fast food should only be for lazy young people and fat middle-aged people.
ReplyI don't normally like Gladstones articles, but this wasn't bad.
ReplyIf you're playing a gig at the bar, chances are the bar girl is actually flirting with you.
ReplyI've got #6!!! Cracked writers who talk about other Cracked writers as if they're all BFF's.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesBut seriously...please stop.
You're unhappy at your job, huh?
But seriously, apiefanami... please stop (visiting Cracked if you've got such a stupid f*****g issue with the writers here).
I like to think that Gladstone brought up his co-workers in his more recent article just because you asked him not to.
got to the end of #3, only to find an ad for a petition to ban same-sex marriage in Minnesota. well done Cracked.
ReplyIf you pay attention, it seems to pop up most often in any articles talking about sex. Or marriage. Or family... Or Minnesota.
Speaking of a whiney-emo-virus, you've had a bad case of it for a while now Gladstone - you should go see a doctor.
ReplyBy which I mean hooker.
Your entry about gay people is totally hilarious. XD
ReplyThe picture of G-stone, Swaim and DOB reading the Kama Sutra is now my desktop background. Because it's awful, and yet somehow fantastic at the same time.
ReplyFor number two, what makes me sad is when old people WORK at places like McDonald's. Old people in minimum wage jobs = dead dreams
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesIt does make me sad. When I used to work at A&W I worked with an elderly-ish lady and I felt bad she had to continue working at a job that sixteen-year-olds turn their nose up on (if that makes any sense) :(
Sometimes old people work at places like McDonalds because they're bored and want to meet new people.
This reminded me of my sister who worked in a muffin factory with a guy who used to be a judge. He liked the job because it was less stressful.
As a side note, their should be a text filter for prohibiting the use of ''muffin'' and ''sister'' in the same sentence.
I'd like to think that there are thousands of things, other than working fast food, that you can do to meet new people if you are bored.
WARNING: The following might be seen as racist if you don't live in Sweden.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesOld white men (50+ years) with young Asian girlfriends (~25 years) needs to be on that list, but as I said earlier, I think it mostly applies to Sweden.
Yup, there no creepy old men anywhere but Sweden.
Is that sad for the girl or the guy? I'm confused...
It's sad for the envious haters.
Not just Sweden, it bugs the crap outta me here in the UK too...
Dammit, grey-hairs, they're mine!
I have an acquaintance who falls into #2 pretty well. He's always talking about going to see his "favorite bartender" on a Friday night. If he didn't have such a s****y personality I might feel more pity for the idiot.
ReplyI also have a friend whose wife falls into #1. She'll post "inspirational" things about "true friends" for a week. The sad thing is she's the biggest flake so the "friend in need" is usually her.
I, too, have a friend who takes #2 to a whole new level. I was once at a restaurant with him when he thought the hostess was "vibing" him because she "smiled at him and touched his hand" when handing him the menu.
I'm a chick, and even I've felt this way. Waitresses can be damn friendly. :(
as a result of #1, I have a strict policy to immediately block all vaguebooking updates from my newsfeed
ReplyThe sadness is sadder than it should be.
ReplyGladstone, we gays are smarter. FYI.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesSmart enough to read the footnote at the end of that entry!
...which says nothing about what sillyrabbit said
smart guys don't choose to be butt-fucked
haha. g-stone feels sad for you in 2 ways now.
As someone who straddles the line between gay and straight (heh, straddle) I hadn't realised that I actually also kinda assumed that gay people were, on average, a bit more clever than straights. This article made me stop and think that actually, it's bisexuals who are the smartest.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesHA! Not really. Intelligence actually seems to be spread around all sexualities. Thanks GStone, for making me question my prejudices.
But they are still the object of the sentence...
Yes. But are objects mere projections of eternal essences from an ideal realm?
*picks up a twig*
It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think.
How the hell did Nnoitra get a hold of a gun?