Well, the media is ablaze with stories about a new teen phenomenon known as “sexting.” Apparently, kids today are using their cell phones to take sexy pictures of themselves and then sending them to friends–sometimes with sexy text messages. I have to confess, as someone who went to high school in the 90s, I was a little taken aback by today’s technologically advanced and sexually retarded teens. But as I read these sexting stories (over and over again) I kept thinking one thing: Why just sassy teens? Surely, grown-ups can get on this sexting bandwagon.
So for the last month, I’ve been learning all I can about sexting from today’s youth in the hopes of applying what I call my “Sexting Technique”™ to every aspect of life. I couldn’t have done it without the help of my young and nubile Facebook friends who were a huge help. For example, did you know that you don’t need to type the word “breasts” or even “boobs” because you can substitute “(.)(.)” Isn’t that sexy? Sure it is, and the world of sexting is filled with fun and wonderful surprises just like that!
But for those of you brave enough, sexting offers more than mere graphic, written and photographic titillation. And it doesn’t have to be limited to high school buddies or significant others, either. As I will show you, there is hardly an interaction in our daily lives that could not be made better with the addition of sexting.
In today’s economy, job applicants need every advantage they can get to secure a job. That means learning everything you can about your interviewer: his experiences with the company, his accomplishments and, of course, his cell phone number. An applicant serious about securing a job through my Sexting Technique™ will do whatever necessary–including going through the interviewer’s old discarded billing statements–to get this vital information. Only then can you have experiences such as these:
INTERVIEWER
So I see you’ve freelanced at Cracked.com for almost three years. Tell me, what part of that qualifies you to work here at Union Carbide?
GLADSTONE
Well, hmm… I wrote an article about Jessica Simpson being fat that got a lot of Diggs.
INTERVIEWER
Yeah, that’s not really what we’re looking for in an industrial chemist. I’m sorry, I just-
Interviewer’s cell phone vibrates
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me, I’m expecting a call from the EPA. Hello? Oh, it’s not a phone call. It’s just a text. That’s odd.
GLADSTONE
What is?
INTERVIEWER
Oh nothing. Just a weird emoticon type thing from some unknown caller.
GLADSTONE
Is it breasts?
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
GLADSTONE
The text. Is it breasts? I bet it’s breasts, isn’t it?
Interviewer looks at cell phone.
INTERVIEWER
Well, it’s an open paren, period, closed paren, and then the series of symbols is repeated again. Oh hey! I guess that does look like breasts. Neat… But how did you know that?
GLADSTONE
Perhaps, I could answer you best in this way….
Gladstone pushes a few buttons on his cell phone. Interviewer’s cell phone vibrates.
INTERVIEWER
Why did you just forward me a picture of a dude in a shower? Wait. Is that you? And if so, you might want to consider waxing….
GLADSTONE
(coyly)
I don’t know. Is it me? It could be….
INTERVIEWER
You realize I’m not gay, right? And even if I were, what you’re doing is wildly inappropriate.
GLADSTONE
Sir, I assure you. I’m not gay either. But that’s how serious I am about working here at Union Carbide.
INTERVIEWER
So serious that you’d pretend to be gay to straight man in a way that is unacceptable regardless of sexual orientation?
GLADSTONE
That’s one way to say it. Here’s another.
Gladstone sexts furiously on his cell. Interviewer’s phone vibrates again.
INTERVIEWER
(reading)
U R Hawt? What does that even mean?
GLADSTONE
It’s text-speak or sext-speak. All the kids are doing it, old timer! So do I get the job?
INTERVIEWER
Mr. Gladstone, I want you to listen closely. I’m going to do two things: First I’m going to drop my phone into the vat of hydrochloric acid we keep in Sector C. And then, I’m going to call security.
GLADSTONE
Security? I would think my job orientation would start with Human Resources?
INTERVIEWER
I didn’t offer you the job.
GLADSTONE
OK. Not yet. But call me. I know you have the number. . .
Gladstone texts. Interviewer’s phone buzzes.
INTERVIEWER
(reading text)
A semi colon followed by a closed parenthetical? You’re standing right there. Why didn’t you just wink at me for real?!
GLADSTONE
Would you like me to wink at you, sir? Is that what you’re saying? Sssh. Don’t answer. I’ll go. I’ll wait for your offer… by text message.
Ever notice how hard it is to get good service at a McDonald’s drive-thru? To the minimum wage employee inside, you’re just another faceless customer, soliciting the fast food conglomerate’s pre-molded culinary wares. A cold impersonal experience. But it doesn’t have to be. After all, a drive-thru menu is actually a lot like a cell phone! I mean, it has a camera, a microphone for talking and a speaker for listening. And when Apple unrolls its Big Mac application in 2010, there will hardly be any difference between the devices at all. So why not apply my Sexting Technique™ to your advantage?
EMPLOYEE
Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?
GLADSTONE
Can you see me?
EMPLOYEE
What?
GLADSTONE
Can you see me?
EMPLOYEE
Yes?
GLADSTONE
Good then let me open my car door and ask you a question: What kind of pants am I wearing?
EMPLOYEE
What kind of pants? I don’t- oh, dear God! You’re not wearing pants.
GLADSTONE
That’s right, baby. Why don’t you take off that headset and come supersize me?
EMPLOYEE
Please sir, I’ll be forced to get my manager.
GLADSTONE
Oh, no can do, baby. I want you all to myself… unless–how sexist of me–is your manager… a lady?
EMPLOYEE
Please just order something, sir. You must see something you want.
GLADSTONE
Oh, I do. What’s your cell phone number?
EMPLOYEE
Look, if I just give you a Big Mac, will you please go away?
GLADSTONE
I think you’ve already given me a Big Mac, if you know what I mean.
EMPLOYEE
Ugh. Gross.
GLADSTONE
I mean my penis.
EMPLOYEE
I know what you mean. Please, just drive up, take your free food and get out of here.
If you’re anything like me, you’re surely going to Hell. Yes, fire and brimstone await you for a lifetime of sins all of which have only increased exponentially in this technological age. That’s why the need for Catholicism and its “get out of eternal damnation free” cards are more important than ever. But as about half the congregants in those confessionals are likely owning up to sins they committed online–from illegal downloads, to eBay scams, to harassing old flames on Facebook even after being defriended–it occurred to me that the confessional could use a 21st century update. That’s right, you’re way ahead of me: sexting!
GLADSTONE
Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It’s been forever since my last confession.
PRIEST
Why is that my son?
GLADSTONE
I’m not a Catholic.
PRIEST
I see. Well, would you like a personal relationship with Jesus?
GLADSTONE
I would, but I don’t have his cell.
Priest’s cell vibrates.
PRIEST
I’m sorry, son. I forgot to shut off my phone
GLADSTONE
No, that’s OK, Father. Please. Answer it.
PRIEST
No, now is not the time.
GLADSTONE
It’s from me. I’m shy. Please read it.
PRIEST
Oh very well. (reading) “I’ve been a naughty boy?”
GLADSTONE
Very.
PRIEST
How, my son?
Priest’s cell vibrates.
PRIEST
Again with the text? Very well. (looks at cell) Why did you just send me a picture of a man in a shower? Wait. Is that you? And if so, you might want to consider waxing….
GLADSTONE
I think I’m addicted to sexting, Father. Ya see, sexting is…
PRIEST
I know what sexting is, my son. And no good can come from it.
GLADSTONE
Well, I did just get a free Big Mac on the way over here so…
PRIEST
What do you say in your sexts?
GLADSTONE
Well sometimes, I do sexts like this:
Priest’s phone buzzes
PRIEST
The boobs graphic? That’s not really a sext. That’s… well that’s just a retarded emoticon. Are you sure you really know what you’re doing?
GLADSTONE
Hey, how do you know so much about sexting? Aren’t you supposed to be a priest?
PRIEST
Um, they had a course… at seminary.
GLADSTONE
You sext, don’t you!
PRIEST
I do not. Stop this nonsense or-
GLADSTONE
Or what? You’ll take me to the rectory?
PRIEST
That’s kind of a long way to go for a joke, don’t you think?
GLADSTONE
Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, Father. I’m kind of lost here.
PRIEST
How so?
GLADSTONE
This whole sext column seemed like a good idea, at first, and now well, I don’t really have an ending.
PRIEST
Yeah, most Internet columns are like that. Many skits too.
GLADSTONE
Yeah.
PRIEST
Wanna make a joke about me being a pedophile?
GLADSTONE
Nah. Too easy. Besides, you seem like a nice enough priest. I mean, for a fictional character.
PRIEST
Thanks. I try.
GLADSTONE
I should probably just do some penance or something.
PRIEST
For the sexting?
GLADSTONE
No. For starting a column I couldn’t finish.
PRIEST
OK, tell you what. For penance, why don’t you send me the other half of that shower pic and we’ll call it a day?
GLADSTONE
I thought we agreed that joke’s too easy.
PRIEST
It is, but you’re in a bind, and being compassionate is part of my job.
GLADSTONE
Gee thanks, Father!
PRIEST
Besides, you didn’t make the joke. I did.
GLADSTONE
Well, yeah, sorta, but…
PRIEST
Don’t sweat it, Gladstone. It’s just the Internet.
This entry was posted on Monday, May 18th, 2009 at 11:00 pm and is filed under Sex, Sex Addiction, Uncategorized, sassy teens, sexting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 6th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
“Don’t sweat it, Gladstone. It’s just the Internet.” Nice.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:09 pm
I like how you realistically portray people. I dunno, not a writer, but I just was thinking about that.
October 31st, 2009 at 4:18 pm
(oYo)
October 29th, 2009 at 6:11 am
It seems many have trouble understanding ‘Teen15’s’ comment, so I went to the trouble of translating it. Here’s the original:
yew ppl are weird as hell yew fuckin adults tell us teens cnt hav sex tlk but yew can hell no it dnt go dat way wur teenagers and wur bound to do stuff its our bodies wut we choose to do is none of yur buisness even if yew are our parents n if we want to send naked pics we will its not lyke its to sum 40 yr old dude so if yew adults can thn we can and we get tired of hearin shit bout it say thur gna take it away yur gna punish us dat till wont stop us from acutally fuckin so if its kewl 4 yew to do it den it is for us cuz thur aint nuttin wrong wit it n no dnt fuckin say well thurs an age diffrence ur adults an wr jus teens dnt matter so w-e
And here’s my interpretation:
“I consider all of the present individuals peculiar. You thrice-cursed adults dictate that we adolescents cannot communicate via lingo alluding to sexuality. But I assure you whole-heartedly that your efforts are in vain - we’re young adults and it is the order of the very evolutionary mandate itself that we will eventually talk via innuendoes.
Our being is ours to lord over, and how we do so is of no matter to you. Even if any of the aforementioned present people by incident happen to be our parents, you have no say in the matter.
Should any teenager feel inclined to forward pictures of our undressed shapes, you cannot stop us. I daresay the circumstances mean that it’s unlikely that we would forward photographies of middle-aged men, in which case I might’ve been able to understand a boycot of our messaging. Further, I propose that we youths are you adults’ equals in the respect of physically sending messages, and we are fatigued from trying to decipher your coherent complaints and empty threats of depriving us of priveleges, if we do indeed proceed with our so called sexting.
My final point is this: Do not presume you might successfully prohibit us from fornicating - if you can (as I’ve already brought to your attention) then we are physically able to as well, and corporeally that’s entirely feasible. And please refrain from using a difference in age as an argument, as I’d have you know, I’ve already proven how anything rarely comes down to age and experience but rather physical possibility or impossibility. Besides, you’ve been adolescents prior to your genetic aging youselves, so please widen your perspectives a bit.”
October 28th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Haha Drive Thru+No Pants=Free Big Mac nice job!
October 25th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
The King Clown Goomba laughts at Gladstones articles, and frowns at teen15…prepare to be eaten with a delicious taco supreme! Also heffalump made the King laugh, but the King is dissapionted that these silly humans think that they are the only ones who read articles! Dirty Speciesists!
October 25th, 2009 at 11:07 am
LMAO!
October 25th, 2009 at 9:50 am
This article tickles me.
October 25th, 2009 at 8:18 am
@ TEEN15
Wow, I’m 103 years old and I still think your a fucking jackass.
That’s all I got.
October 24th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
teen15 was just playing. i don’t think anyone is THAT stupid…
September 30th, 2009 at 10:26 am
@ the article:
Made me laugh. The priest bit was respectfully yet hilariously done. Nice.
@ Teen15:
….. fail.
@ all you commenting in regards to Teen15:
I know, I couldn’t resist either. This is why they say, ’sniffing glue is not for you’.
Sorry, yew.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:12 am
…. Okay, I’m a teen myself, and even I had trouble understanding Teen15’s particular dialect of Stupidese.
I personally liked the article, myself- besides, I don’t text much, anyways, and I’ve got too much dignity to be texting me man-bits to people, so, whatever.
September 3rd, 2009 at 7:21 pm
I decided to read all of your comments out of curiosity, and now I want to set myself on fire. Thanks alot.
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Seriously though, why are there so many kids on cracked
August 31st, 2009 at 11:47 am
Anyone know any other instant hypnosis tricks explained here
thanks
August 29th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
im sorry for my brother teen15 hes a fuckin retarded cunt.
anyway. he has a good point..but still cant type for shit, well he woulda had a good point if this article was anti-sexting. whatever. It takes alot or retardation to get almost every poster after you to call you a shit brain. congratulations you get the Darwin award. i hope to god you dont get any kids man.
August 29th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
‘dont sweat it… it’s just the internet’
August 28th, 2009 at 9:20 am
i know a lot of ppl have already commented on Teen15 bt i wanted to have my moan at him/her/it myself
teen15, seriously, grow the fuck up, nd learn to type, i know a lot of ppl (me included obvs) shorten words bt even i cldn’t understand wtf u were on abt
i think it was something abt there nt being a difference between adults nd teenagers
r u kidding? have u got an actual mental problem? or r u jst the dumbest shitbrick to have commented on anything involving the internet?
i vote the third one
August 27th, 2009 at 11:32 am
I’ve never commented/replied on a Cracked article before. For some reason I feel the need to.
A.) Teen15? Please go hang yourself by your Achilles’ tendons in a vat of applesauce until you can sing Mary Had a Little Lamb in proper English. Thank you.
B.) Great article. I died laughing. I got better.
C.) I only have one question for you, Gladstone, or for any writer/editor of Cracked for that matter, regarding the below comments. I am a married 25 year old woman who is an Honors student gunning for Creative Writing. Does it discourage you as much as it does me that most of your readers seem to be kids who can’t purchase cigarettes, let alone alcohol? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, honestly. The fact that a 15 year old stated that she’s even -had- 6 shots of 151 and tried to type is a little odd, but even more so the fact that Teen15, once decoded, stated that they believe that anything adults can do, a teen should be able to do. Therefore, I argue that we should either force Teens to get jobs at 12 and let them have their ’sexting’ and various experimentation, or simply make them wear helmets of aluminum foil so that they may remain teenagers by the simple fact of being that fully ostracized from humanity.
Seriously. It’s discouraging. I felt all informed by reading this website.
August 24th, 2009 at 12:33 am
Teen15 is a funny kid. A funny kid with a grasp of irony, because the line ‘dnt fuckin say well thurs an age diffrence ur adults an wr jus teens’ is pure gold.
Also, haha, sex.
August 21st, 2009 at 2:23 am
@Teen15
Can you not type? It took me longer to read your post than it took to read Gladstones excellent article! Funnily enough, it wouldv’e been easier to spell that words correctly unless…..ur a re-tard?
August 17th, 2009 at 12:35 am
I had to read teen15’s post after reading one reply to it, and then being sucked into the rest.
I now regret it. Worse regret then I felt agreeing to watch 2girls1cup.
Excuse me while I go cry.
(.)(.)
Made my damn day.
August 14th, 2009 at 8:57 am
sexy girls,rich successful men, search profiles, online chat….
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August 13th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Gladstone, you are quite humorous. Don’t stop writing.
And teen15, I’m a teenager too. And I think what you said in your stupid Internet/ghetto dialect was thoroughly retarded. Really, man, thanks for pulling us all down with you.
August 11th, 2009 at 7:37 am
I like how most of the people making fun of Teen15’s grammar use “your” instead of “you’re”.
August 9th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Boo this man. u really wrote yourself into a corner.
August 9th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Hurm. People seem to be angry with “teen15″. I read the post. Well, actually, I looked at the post, because I only understood one word in five. (I’m not very literate in “Internet”.) But, hurm, I dislike how people get so riled over such things. But then again, I do understand at least THAT about the Internet.
Cheers. Funky, awesome article, mate.
August 8th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
The McDonalds section was hilarious, good job Gladstone.
Teen15…holy fucking shit, dude. Just no. Noooooo. I think your mother should have gotten the abortion while she had the chance. Too late now, but that can be fixed by natural selection…as in, someone with at least an average intelligence is going to kill you one day. I can only pray.
August 7th, 2009 at 1:40 am
ookay… Teen15… pretty retarded, at that age you should be more worried about you’re school work. I know he’ll never read any of this again cause he probably is to retarded to work his way back here. Much like if he tried fight his way out of wet paper bag. Seriously i had a headache earlier from this stupid “Unseasonably cold pressure front” that’s moving through my town, stupid goddamn weather patterns. (Insert grumbling here), and reading that brought it back. You’re 15, you don’t need to be worrying about sex, you aren’t an adult you’re a teenager.
August 6th, 2009 at 12:26 am
Heffalump’s comment was funnier than the blog!!!! You owe me new pants bitch!!!!!
Hannah montana FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 5th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
It’s pretty obvious teen15 is being sarcastic.. why would somebody who types like that be commenting on a Cracked article? Those kind of people don’t venture into these waters.
August 5th, 2009 at 3:44 am
@Teen15
I’m a 16 year old girl, I love hannah Montana, but honestly, that made me want to stab my eyes out with a fork then shit on a puppy.
Firstly, the column wasn’t attacking teens for sexting so don’t get your hello kitty gstring in a twist.
Secondly, go fuck yourself.
August 4th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Teen15, you’re fucking retarded. Type it right dumbshit.
August 3rd, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Uhh. Ok. I saw every1 talkin about Teen15’s post, so i read it. alright im not gona use perfect grammar bc i honestly dont give a crap. but tht was the stupidest most retarded post i have ever read in my whole fuckin life. id jus like to say tht i too am 15, turning 16 soon, but i would never make a post like thatm and yes the only people that i have met that spell that way r my friend’s little sisters, as some1 below me already wrote…. all the grammatical and spelling mistakes/errors i have made in the above paragraph are all b/c i shorten words and like to make things more simple for myself. but ya this was fuckin hilarious.
July 31st, 2009 at 12:25 am
Funny as hell. Quite literally laughed out loud at the “I’m talking about my penis.” line in the McDonald’s segment. However… I’m not here to comment about the post itself, so much as the.. well I guess it’d be an “ad” at the bottom, referring us to your twitter account. I can’t stand twitter. They took the very worst part of Facebook/Myspace and turned it into a website. (The “What are you doing right now?” box). If any of my friends cared that I was eating Doritos and masturbating periodically, they’d be over here watching. Honestly though. What completely blows my mind is that they lifted one feature off of other social networking sites, one component part of the larger package that you can get elsewhere, and somehow it managed to explode over the net like a drunken hobo on what he thought was a plastered clubgoer, but turned out to only be the fire hydrant. Again. Most of these people ALREADY have Myspace and/or Facebook accounts. They already have everything Twitter has to offer, coming from another site. Twitter’s PR people must be gods.
July 30th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
to teen15 (though you will probably never see this)
Yew is a kind of tree
the word you were looking for is actually “you” as in the pronoun .
sorry totally irrelevant comment but, I thought that it needed to be said
July 30th, 2009 at 12:25 am
I just died a little inside after reading teen15’s comment.
July 27th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
why are there so many kids on cracked???
July 27th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Teen15, I would like to begin by saying that I am a fifteen-year-old “sassy teen” who “sexts”. The only people I have ever met who type like that are my friends little sisters on myspace. They are ten and eleven. Teen15, I doubt that you are actually 15. Its also possible that you are EXTREMELY drunk. However, I can type better than that after 6 shots of 151.
July 27th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Teen15,
What the hell are you here for in the first place? Sorry, let me translate that, wat the hel r u her 4 n the 1st plce?! Also, I’m 15. I’m on here cause it’s a comedy website. It’s a goddamn joke. And I hope you realized that typing like that after the whole article mocked it would get you slaughtered in the comment section.
July 25th, 2009 at 11:35 pm
*ahem* Teen15. Wow. Woooow. You know what? I’m 14, and I had absolutely NO FUCKING CLUE what you just said. I stopped halfway through. Seriously, if you want people to take your opinions seriously, type so people can UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. Oh, and maybe don’t comment on a humour site, because I don’t think people are going to take a teen seriously here (very much aware of the hypocrisy, thank you).
July 25th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Wow, just reading teen15’s post made my brain hurt. I almost didn’t make it through.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Also @teen15
Also, I’m 16, and even I realize that your a moron. Please, stay in school.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
teen15, I sincerely hope your joking.
You moron, learn to fucking type.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Yo. Teen15.
Can it.
It’s called HUMOUR. By the way didn’t you ever take a basic elementary english cours eor wer eyou too busy getting stone dout of your damned tree in first grade?
I do hope you know that gravel isn’t real meth, kiddo.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:23 am
yew ppl are weird as hell yew fuckin adults tell us teens cnt hav sex tlk but yew can hell no it dnt go dat way wur teenagers and wur bound to do stuff its our bodies wut we choose to do is none of yur buisness even if yew are our parents n if we want to send naked pics we will its not lyke its to sum 40 yr old dude so if yew adults can thn we can and we get tired of hearin shit bout it say thur gna take it away yur gna punish us dat till wont stop us from acutally fuckin so if its kewl 4 yew to do it den it is for us cuz thur aint nuttin wrong wit it n no dnt fuckin say well thurs an age diffrence ur adults an wr jus teens dnt matter so w-e
July 14th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Man, I wish real priests were half as funny. I might stop lighting them on fire.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
“I think you’ve already given me a Big Mac, if you know what I mean.”
Predictable, yet still funny.
July 2nd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Drive-thru menu + No pants = Free Big Mac
I laughed and laughed. Great article, Kudos Gladstone. And you probably could use a wax.
June 19th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Where would we be without kindly fictional priests?
June 19th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
(o)(o)
June 16th, 2009 at 2:46 am
I tell you, I sure as hell got a stroke out of this article, nudge nudge.
23 skidoo!
June 14th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
i hate you so much, gladstone. you’re a terrible excuse for a writer. i think this article gave me a fucking stroke./////
June 4th, 2009 at 7:01 am
I know no such thing Gordo! Lambert is not one of my better ones. April Fools too. But I was mighty pleased with myself on this one.
June 2nd, 2009 at 7:37 am
not one of your better ones and you know it, Gladstone!
The discretionary art of sexting deserves a better homage than this.
May 31st, 2009 at 7:45 pm
That was amazing. xD
Made my night.
“That’s right, baby. Why don’t you take off that headset and come supersize me?”
Lol, made me laugh.
May 24th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
fucking brillo
May 23rd, 2009 at 8:29 pm
YES YOU ARE… YOU FUCKING WHORE! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=29&sku=E-CD00250
May 22nd, 2009 at 3:59 pm
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May 22nd, 2009 at 7:12 am
Gold, brilliant. Pretty much always trips me out how I can actually laugh at writing, fuckin gold.
May 21st, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Ah well Jonathan, there our tastes seem to differ.
Swaim looks pretty hot, just as Gladstone.
May 21st, 2009 at 6:53 am
[...] • A Practical Guide To Sexting [...]
May 21st, 2009 at 6:30 am
[...] • A Practical Guide To Sexting [...]
May 20th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
This shit’s too funny… hahaha =]
May 20th, 2009 at 5:38 pm
That’s probably not Gladstone in the picture. Judging by the HBN vids, he’s short and pudgy with a kinda dwarfish physique. And I wouldn’t want to see Swaim shirtless, if I were you; he had some pretty distracting (read: nasty) man tits going on in the last Internet Party/Myspace Intervention video. Between that and DOB’s leprechaun look, they’re more a menagerie of fugly mythical creatures than paragons of men.
Welcome to the Internet, bitches. Welcome to the hirsute, flap-tittied, pasty, frumpy Internet. Enjoy.
May 20th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
5/5 :’D
May 20th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Damn you, that’s hot. I hope that’s you. Can’t Crack make a calendar with all the columnists (or really, just Gladstone and Swaim) in it? I mean, I’d buy it.
May 20th, 2009 at 7:37 am
I’ve bagged over 300 women chica. So before you cum off trying to be Ms. Worldly on here, the best thing for you to do is get onto your knees… open your cocksucker and let your mouth enjoy the ride Biach! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=29&sku=E-CD00322
May 20th, 2009 at 4:39 am
@anonymous..poor sweet thing..you haven’t sext either, huh, ? Hee..what are you, 17? Cam whores? Listen boys..all of you who live in some sort of denial cause no girl won’t do it with you..it’s life. Trust me it happens. It is no different than any other form of communication. G-Stone..shame on you for gathering every geek and telling them life ain’t so..
It’s mean.
May 20th, 2009 at 4:05 am
( . Y . ) —- OH YEAH BABY!
May 20th, 2009 at 4:01 am
This is seriously one of the best endings to any article ever.
May 20th, 2009 at 3:56 am
This whole “sexting” nonsense is just another media myth designed to further the erroneous assertion that our youth are falling into some moral quagmire of promiscuity, drug addiction and [insert social blight here]. Sure, there will always be cam-whores in this world - but cam-wholes invariably operate behind the cover of anonimity, in the safety of their own home. The idea that kids are cam-whoring to their actual friends in real life is a complete fantasy. Trust me, I’d have a lot more 15 year old girls in my circle of friends if this “craze” actually existed.
May 20th, 2009 at 2:44 am
(.Y.) boobies =D
May 20th, 2009 at 2:19 am
*.*……………
May 20th, 2009 at 2:16 am
Hey, there was no sexting on the second one!
May 20th, 2009 at 1:46 am
Really? Is it all a screenplay? Okay..I may need to go and come back. I love it,,always sweetheart you are funny.. sry..work..
May 20th, 2009 at 1:19 am
I ‘m not done reading all of it, babe, but I had to interject. Er. Doesn’t everyone sext? I’m pretty sure we do. All ages. I SO don’t think you can confine it to one age group. After all, it is another form of communication. People communicate..given their forum..in whatever way possible. Right? If it is lover to lover..one will send penis shots..or vaginas. I know..I hate vaginas too. Ha..kidding. But still. The world is a-change. I know you get my point. So far in reading, I am thinking you haven’t been sext. Frick. I would..but I am guessing you have a wife and it would be a bad thing.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Seriously guys. add the ‘at’ sign as nipples. Works wonderfully.
( @ Y @ )
May 19th, 2009 at 11:44 pm
({:)>)=={]
May 19th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
its good that you saw and admitted defeat……more time planning and writing….less time on facebook…=)
May 19th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
So, can we see the other half of that shower pic?
May 19th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
If that picture appeals to a (fictional) paedophile, then we need a new definition.
OR DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?
May 19th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
@4thSurvivor:
…???
May 19th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
If your going to use my grammar as a meter of your quality, then this should be more accurate for you.
wow, You’r gettin worse!!
Hope this helps you.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
nice, burger king one was in my opinion the best.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Everyone else’s articles on cracked = . /.
Gladstone’s articles = ‘ \’
May 19th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
… ///^.^\\\
— (. )( .)
….-. ) . (
-. — ( Y )
May 19th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Damn you, brain. Why didnt you thought of the auto correcting of the spaces? I hope you die and watch Twilight for all the eternity
May 19th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Behold, internet, I got better ones:
( . )( . )
) . (
8IIIIIIIID ( Y )
That’s a true story.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I have faith, Gladstone. but seriously, have you considered waxing?
May 19th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
@Regina, your lack of faith is troubling.
May 19th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
“I would, But I don’t have his cell”
Pure fucking gold.
May 19th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
JUST the internet?!
Just?
How dare you.
Also, I’m pretty sure that is a real picture of Gladstone in the shower. I can’t reveal how I know, or why my rohypnol bottle isn’t up to it’s legally enforced level, or where my pants are, but I’m pretty sure.
May 19th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Gladstone if that’s you in the shower, which im sure it isnt you are pretty hot.
May 19th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Oh dear, you know there are better boob emoticons. Such as…
(.Y.)
(.V.)
and frankly why not make them bigger.
(. )( .)
May 19th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I digged it. Now you need to do another Braggaboo.
May 19th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Sweet article
May 19th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Wow that Bic Mac looks good! I am heading to McDonalds!
RT
http://www.privacy-center.de.tc
May 19th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
I’m sorry, that chest hair is hypnotic…was there an article attached to it?
May 19th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Damn you cracked for screwing up my naked person
May 19th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
. .
-
( . \/ . )
| |
/ /\ \
For serious, do you have any idea how much time I have on my hands?
May 19th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Gladstone is the funniest person here.
May 19th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Gahahahahaha! love the sexting! XD
May 19th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
That was great!
I could do with some advice regarding the free food though. How formal should the pants be that I won’t be wearing? Should I not wear proper going-out-to-dinner-at-a-posh-restaurant type pants, or not wear work-casual chino pants, or just not wear good-oldfashioned-honest-to-goodness jeans?
I don’t want to get it wrong and look stupid.
May 19th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
B EQUALS EQUALS EQUALS D TILDE TILDE TILDE
http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1337
May 19th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
hahaha the ending was the best part
May 19th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
This was actually not a funny article. Stick to HBN, G-stone.
May 19th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
8===D~~
May 19th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
(.)(.) actually looks like eyes looking down on something..
May 19th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
8=====D ~ ~ ~ (-_-)
Gladstone owns Doctorchaos
8=====D ~ ~ ~ ( ( |=D
He owns his rectum too
May 19th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
This turned me on. No joke. Really.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I think I’ll make a new one
\\\|///
((*))
Shittiest vag ever
May 19th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
PRIEST
I see. Well, would you like a personal relationship with Jesus?
GLADSTONE
I would, but I don’t have his cell.
I laughed out loud at that one. Don’t let the haters get you down, G-Stone. This column was solid.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I’m only as bad as your grammar, 4th Survivor. Oh man. I’m screwed.
May 19th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Wow, your getting worse.
May 19th, 2009 at 11:42 am
No… YOU’RE BORING!!!!
May 19th, 2009 at 11:33 am
holy crap, gladstone
best column ever
May 19th, 2009 at 11:23 am
“Would you like me to wink at you, sir? Is that what you’re saying?”
Oh, god. I rarely laugh aloud at the columns, but this one was gold. Thanks a lot.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:53 am
that was….. boring
May 19th, 2009 at 10:35 am
8=D
C=D
May 19th, 2009 at 10:20 am
I want to sext this column.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Gladstone,
You stole the ending from my final project in Screenwriting II. You are not allowed to have characters not only break the fourth wall, but also comment on how and why they’re breaking the fourth wall.
Prepare to be sued for copyright infringement.
J/K, I’m not a douche, a good idea is a good idea and you executed it funnily. Well played, sir. Well played.
May 19th, 2009 at 10:05 am
(.)(.) yes ….must…think…… of ……lots…..of……(.)(.) ….to……get ….pict……… of …….Gladstone in shower….out….of ….mind.
Heh heh (.)(.)……..boobs. Whew!
May 19th, 2009 at 9:33 am
I chuckled only a few times, but the ending was really golden.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:26 am
“It’s just the internet.”
May 19th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Hilarious.
May 19th, 2009 at 9:00 am
(_)_)======D (_(_|
May 19th, 2009 at 8:58 am
I see how you are gladstone….lure us innocent 20-something males onto your column only to be presented with a half naked picture of you in the shower. You should wax that.
I feel used.
…and dirty….
May 19th, 2009 at 8:56 am
So I was out for a couple of weeks with too much work to check Cracked.com. I come back read this article, which I kind of liked and….. DOCTORCHAOS still trolls this site yeshhh.
Ohh and I love (.)(.) You think I can find some at the tall and mature dating site… you know the one don’t you?
May 19th, 2009 at 8:55 am
Any tips you can offer to make your Mom stop prostituting herself?
May 19th, 2009 at 8:47 am
FYI: ( . y . ) or ( . Y . ) make better boobs than (.)(.). I figured this is the kind of things everyone should know, you know… making boobs on a keyboard…. have fun!
May 19th, 2009 at 8:46 am
… take a poop sometime! XOXO! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=29&sku=E-CD00250 DO I MAKE YOU HORNY BABY?!
May 19th, 2009 at 8:45 am
I’ve always liked your stuff, thanks for continuing to entertain me, and I don’t know what you were worried about with the ending, I think the dialogue with the priest was awesome.
May 19th, 2009 at 8:34 am
the priest knew it was you xD
May 19th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Sheesh Gladstone, after being bombarded by notices about your upcoming “sxtng article” for, like, weeks on facebook, you finally came through.
Must be potent crack you’re mainlining.
Now, is this a troll or wut ?
May 19th, 2009 at 7:14 am
DrChaos isn’t fictional, he’s merely a demonic spectral being brought forth by bad commentators.
When someone trolls, Chaos gets access to a keyboard.
May 19th, 2009 at 7:05 am
pictures like the first one
May 19th, 2009 at 7:04 am
i wish there were more pictures… =[
May 19th, 2009 at 6:43 am
Thank you, Gladstone, for the journey you just took me on.
BTW - UR 1 QT hehe
Ow… Like someone said before me, that hurt my brain.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:35 am
You know the first and largest mingle site for mature women and men
== SugarMommyMatch.Com ==
You can meet whoever you want there, just go and hava a try, free to join. You may hava a try.
May 19th, 2009 at 6:31 am
Will this work at Taco Bell’s? It’s almost lunchtime and I would kill for a bean burrito and some tacos. Oh yeah, I hate my job too. I can see this as a win-win situation.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:57 am
Guys, i think DrChaos needs friends. Gladstone, how about getting him and that nice priest together for a drink? As fictional characters with no impact on life outside of this article, I think they’d work something out and form a lasting friendship.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:49 am
I’m going to McDonald’s right now. I bet I can get a free Steak Burrito thingy if I play my cards right. And by “cards,” of course I mean “lack of pants.”
May 19th, 2009 at 5:33 am
I’d hire you. I’m just saying. Let’s neck.
<–see what I did there?
May 19th, 2009 at 5:32 am
When I first started reading I thought Gladstone was gonna put up a picture of himself I’d regret seeing. But there was only the shower pic so I only stabbed one of my eyes out.
Great read though.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:24 am
8======D ~~~
I need you gladstone and your non-waxed chest
May 19th, 2009 at 5:24 am
@Dante, don’t bother trying to reason with doctorchaos. I’m never sure if the guy is a grade A douche or has a sense of humor that doesn’t translate properly onto the web. It could go either way, really. So I figure it’s best to ignore him. If it’s douchebaggery, then he’ll go away once no one bites on his comments, and if it’s humor, then he might become more obvious about it in time of people constantly misunderstanding him.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Thank you for the shower shot. UR HAWT (sorry, couldn’t resist)
Being a decade older and a bit of a techtard, I freely admit that I don’t even own a cell phone. Haven’t felt the need for one. Crazy huh? Anyway…that being the case I found this to be educational.
So cell phones have pictures now?
May 19th, 2009 at 5:22 am
And why are we still replying to Doctorchaos? He’s like herpes. The more you itch it, the more it comes back! (Is that how herpes works? . . . )
May 19th, 2009 at 5:21 am
u r old ur ghey lol u old fagz noe nuthin bout tehcnology.
Ugh, that hurt my brain. I can’t even do it if I try. I’m glad I didn’t read this at work. I laughed so hard that I think my shaking traveled through time and gave my birth-mom a retroactive abortion.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:21 am
Gladstone, that was an ending that would have made the Python boys proud. Well done!
May 19th, 2009 at 5:18 am
Btw, wtf is wrong with Doctorchaos? If this was in video format, it would’ve been so badly paced. Just because you hate to read doesn’t mean the rest of us do as well, douche
May 19th, 2009 at 5:16 am
LOL the shower picture was hilarious
May 19th, 2009 at 5:12 am
Long time since I laugh so hard at one of your columns..
Very very awesome..
Thanks for your time Gstone!
May 19th, 2009 at 5:08 am
That looks like angry eyes to me, Kate. Sexy angry eyes. Are you coming on to me?
May 19th, 2009 at 5:07 am
Oh man, when I posted the boobs, no one had done it yet. By the time I clicked submit, like 3 other people beat me to the joke. It’s a sad day indeed
May 19th, 2009 at 5:07 am
WTF is it with you dipshit bastards and this fucking annoying “script” format. IT DOESN’T WORK!
I’m not even going to read it, that shit is a pain in the ass. First we get a fagboy Gladstone clone, then we get a submission about fags on ice, and now this.
Gladstone, you suck. You’ve been borderline for quite a while but this does it. Clear out your desk and return your elevator swipe card immediately.
There is NO FUCKING REASON AT ALL, you couldn’t have done this in video format and made it work. Multiple characters, even if they were all played by you, clever editing, a sound effect or two, cosyumes. Pure win. Well assuming the content was any good, and I’m not going to bother checking that shit out to see.
You’re just being fucking lazy. Don’t they pay you enough? do you need more time or motivation? Jesus Christ man.
May 19th, 2009 at 5:06 am
(.)(.)
May 19th, 2009 at 4:59 am
(.Y.) looks better IMHO
May 19th, 2009 at 4:55 am
===D
())
May 19th, 2009 at 4:52 am
(.)(.) Hehe, boobs…
May 19th, 2009 at 4:51 am
I laughed so hard at the mcdonalds bit.
May 19th, 2009 at 4:28 am
Classic Gladstone. Very appropriate.
May 19th, 2009 at 3:48 am
Oh Gladstone. You cop out in the classiest way.
May 19th, 2009 at 3:12 am
Mmmm…. Sexting with Gladstone. Makes me want to get a cell phone…
May 19th, 2009 at 2:46 am
Nice ending though…
By the way, never wax. Only metro’s wax and even the most flaming homosexuals look down upon them. Be proud of your fur!
May 19th, 2009 at 1:39 am
lol sweet
May 19th, 2009 at 12:31 am
Fantastic