6 Terrifying Reasons You Shouldn't Smoke Synthetic Weed
Americans now have unprecedented access to weed thanks to medical marijuana and decriminalization laws that have been popping up all across this great land. It's a wonderful time to want to be high. I can't even set foot in California without someone thrusting a pack of weed-laced Animal Crackers or Jolly Ranchers or something into my eager hands.
But here's the thing, I don't live in California. I live in South Dakota. Medical marijuana? We barely have buildings. I have family members who just started saying "epic fail." We have a law on the books that makes it legal to ride a horse home from the bar when you're drunk. That law was passed in 2007.
Law not applicable if the horse is also drunk, like this one.
What I'm saying is it takes a while for South Dakota to catch up. So there's no medical marijuana for me. If I want to smoke, I have two options. I can track down an actual weed dealer, which would require me to have friends which, in South Dakota, would require me to be really into hunting and NASCAR and being scared of gay people. Fuck that.
Alternately, I can just head to the gas station. I'm not sure people who live in normal places where weed is readily available even realize this, but you can totally buy something kind of resembling marijuana in gas stations and convenience stores all over the damn place. It's called K2 or Spice. It sort of looks like weed, sort of smells like alfalfa and sort of gets you terrifyingly high if you aren't careful. Listen, I don't care how fucking cool you might think it is that you can now buy drugs and fountain sodas in the same place, there are some very good reasons why I wouldn't recommend smoking gas station weed.
#6. Because It's Way Too Expensive
What you see in the above picture is two jars of synthetic marijuana I purchased at a liquor store that I still don't know the name of (also pictured: half a blurry banana I didn't crop out because this is a comedy site). They are 1 gram each. Total cost? $40. That's $20 for less than a dimebag, people. When you're talking 100 percent markup, eventually crack just starts to make more sense from an economic standpoint.
Also, sorry if high prices aren't terrifying enough for you, moneybags. Rest easy, there will be stuff for those of you who are thriving in this economy as well. I'm just saying, this shit is pricey.
#5. Because It Absolutely Is Not "Like Weed"
The obscure chemical compound that blazed the path that leads to full-on adults like myself casually strolling into a beat-to-shit liquor store and saying, "I'll have one Zombie Matter, please" all while keeping a straight face was developed by a Clemson University chemist named John Huffman. He was conducting research on cannabinoids for the U.S. National Institute on Drug Abuse. The compound he came up with was called JWH-018, because JWH are Huffman's initials and he's clearly an egotistical prick. You know what else he is? A buzzkill. Check out this quote:
"These compounds were not meant for human consumption. Their effects in humans have not been studied and they could very well have toxic effects. They absolutely should not be used as recreational drugs."
Those sure as hell don't sound like Bob Marley lyrics, do they? Maybe that's a standard disclaimer for synthetic drugs developed by actual scientists as opposed to under-stimulated college freshman in cramped dorm rooms, but still, I've never seen it stamped on a sack of real weed like it is on the pretend stuff.
Classic. Just like scientists advised dad not to smoke in the '50s.
Since JWH-018 started making the rounds, reports have been popping up left and right about the health risks associated with synthetic marijuana. Like the three teens in Texas who showed up at a Dallas emergency room with heart attack symptoms, for example. If teenage heart attacks don't rattle your cage, there's also the mother of two in Indiana who just straight up died.
Before you hit the comments to call that dead mom an asshole for tarnishing the otherwise harmless name of fake weed, read this. Trust, the guy who wrote that is pretty much making the same argument that you want to and he sounds scientific as fuck doing it. You probably won't. He eventually comes to the extremely long-winded conclusion that the mother in Indiana probably got a "bad batch" of K2 and, as a result, it killed her.
Fantastic. Now show me the story about a mother of two who got her hands on a "bad batch" of actual marijuana and fucking died. The fact that a "bad batch" can even exist is really all there is to know about why synthetic marijuana and actual marijuana are not like each other at all.
Eventually, JWH-018 was banned along with its chemical brother JWH-073. Strangely, that's when things got even more bizarre.
#4. Because Anyone Can Make It, Apparently
Chemical compounds that mimic THC work exactly like heroin dealers on The Wire, apparently. Take one off the streets and there's another one waiting to step in as an immediate replacement. When JWH-018 was officially outlawed in 2009, the Internet wasted no time in filling the void. This site, for example, had "second generation K2" available for sale before the ban even took effect (they also sent me free samples once, because I'm a "journalist").
Back when it was just JWH-018 that the feds had to contend with, you could at least be somewhat sure what you were smoking. These days, the only thing resembling an ingredients list on a package of fake weed is a promise that it "contains no illegal substances." That's like looking at the nutrition info at Taco Bell and finding that it just says "no big rats." Great news, but not really enough information to base a decision on. But somehow, the fake weed of today still pretty much works as well as it did during the heyday of JWH and his brethren.
So what is in the gas station weed you can still buy these days? I honestly don't know, but Googling "K2 and nail polish remover" provides plenty of results. That can't possibly be a good sign. Who knows what kind of Wild West style free-for-all you're inhaling at this point? Maybe outlawing JWH-018 was intended to make synthetic weed harder to get, but it didn't. You can buy the shit for cheap on eBay, even. The only difference now is that you really have no way of knowing what you're smoking. It's not JWH-018, and it sure as hell isn't actual marijuana. But whatever, you'll probably be fine.
Smoked potpourri named diablo and thought i went to hell also and also went into cardiac arrest so yea not safe
Replythere is no known urine test to detect spice or k2 yet. maybe that's why it's still somewhat popular. there are lab tests though, so be careful. oh, and it can kill you or whatever.
Replythis article sucks...you have horrible logic, and you aren't funny...that taco bell rat s**t was funny, but aside from that you suck at life...next time u wanna discourage someone from doing something, try giving better reasons than 'omg wen i did it it sucked'...and find some better weed - if you're getting more than a gram for 10 you're clearly getting some bullshit...good day sir
ReplyWhy the f**k smoke anything? I swear, people these days assume ya have to smoke something.
ReplyReading this makes me very happy that I don't enjoy smoking things. Anything.
ReplyLol not going for sanctimonious, holier-than-thou but I just find for me that the hacking my lungs out doesn't make up for the high.
Wait, you're saying actual weed is hard to come by, but a gram is 'less than a dimebag'? I'm in LA with my medical card and a decent gram is around $15, $20 on the street.
ReplyYou are obviously not from South Dakota or you are just a little slow. We didn't pass a law allowing someone to ride their horse home from the bar. We repealed an old law that gave police the ability to issue a DUI to someone on a horse or bicycle. And we don't like Nascar, thats a down south thing. But we do like to hunt, enjoy the outdoors and we do our best to protect our kids from the crap that people try to profit from by poisoning others.
Reply"We didn't pass a law allowing someone to ride their horse home from the bar. We repealed an old law that gave police the ability to issue a DUI to someone on a horse or bicycle."
Really? As if those two sentences are f*****g different enough to warrant correction? I think someone needs a girlfriend.
Demi Moore didn't read this article.
ReplyHow about this, don't smoke anything. Whether it be weed, syn-weed, cigarettes, a f*****g corn cob pipe, just don't do it, it's a waste of money and does nothing but harm to you and your family.
Reply...and your family?
Git now, young grasshopper
Ok, I did this s**t for about 5 months, and lemmy tell you, the long term effects are terrible. In my town there is a store on the coner of my street that sells the stuff for cheep, I could'ent get the real s**t one day so I figured, "what the hell, it'll get me high." Initially I liked it, the buzz was kinda like weed, so i kept doing it (was at the time cheaper than the real stuff). A few words of warning,
Reply1. It can be highly addictive, the last few months of heavy using I equated it to crack addiction levels, I was selling all my s**t to support my habit, borrowing money etc.
2. It desensitizes your body to other substances. When I was doing that s**t, I could buy the stickiest bud out there and barley get a buzz off it. This extended to other substances like tobacco products (no nicotine buzz at all).
3. It turns you into a raging douche (if your not one already). everyone around me noticed i turned into a real a*****e in those 5 months, and I'm generally a nice guy.
4. The health effects. Besides whats listed above (effects are bad), one of my trusted friends told me that one of his friends that smoked syn-weed got laid out in the hospital with a shutdown liver (he didn't drink and did not abuse other drugs, to my knowledge). Also that s**t absolutely shreds your lungs, I sounded like General Grievous for a while and started hacking up black and brown mucus.
5. The withdraws are hell. Your hands will shake like you just downed a 24 rack of red bull, have the worse headaches, and all you can think of is how to get coin for the next pack.
6. It makes you retarded. I am an A/B student, always have been, last semester I failed all my classes, the difference, syn-weed.
After about a 3-7 days the craving will subside and your bodies sensitivity to the real stuff will return, and i was the absolute highest I've been in a while after cleaning up off that, I found that smoking the real s**t helps to curve the cravings. These are just what I got out of my experience with the stuff, I am not a doctor, and this may not be the same for everyone, smoke the real stuff, if it is all natural it won't hurt you (besides the holding hot smoke in your lungs part or doing stupid s**t while blazed).
4.
You're a f*****g moron.
Why is he a f*****g moron? He was giving an account of his personal experience. Perhaps your experience differs from his, but that doesn't make him a f*****g moron. The fact that you felt the need to call him a f*****g moron does, however, make you a prick.
how about number 1. your f*****g insane if you think smoking anything flammable is like smoking marijuana.
Replysmoke alcohol erryday.
I work in an inpatient psych ward in a military hospital, and for awhile spice was really popular cause you couldn't be tested for it. Pretty soon people who were otherwise healthy and normal started having psychotic breaks. The thing that linked them all? Spice. So not only can it kill you, it can make you crazy.
Replything about synth weed is, you're only supposed to hit it twice, not smoke a whole goddamn blunt of it.
ReplyYou're insane! You're only supposed to hit it once, and even then, hit it lightly.
awesome article... and not to be a picky medical douche, but you didn't have serotonin syndrome
ReplyObviously you've never tried to use WebMD to figure out whether you have a regular cold or sinus infection. The diagnosis is almost always cancer.
Dude you're only in hell for like half and at MOST then you're back and it's soooooo chronic
ReplyI'm glad that where I live, it's so easy to get the real thing, not many people go for the synthetic stuff unless they need to pass a drug test...after which they're back to the real thing anyway...
ReplyAlright. Here's the thing. Synthetic weed is bad bad shit. This is coming from someone who smoked it all day everyday for a long time. I have smoked at least 15 different brands/types of it (including zombie matter), all different potencies and producing a different high than the other. If you are going to smoke synthetic weed, just don't. Go smoke some real weed. Synthetic weed will make you freak the f**k out. I've also thought I was in Hell from smoking that s**t, and I wasn't tripping on DXM. No one knows what chemicals are in synthetic weed. I have known of people who have ODed just by smoking a blunt of it. I have read that someone got a chemical burn on their LUNG because they smoked it. I have thought I was dying multiple times while smoking it. Just get the real stuff. Synthetic weed is bad.
ReplyI realize to cool people, doing stupid and selfish things is never really a problem ... but driving while intoxicated on anything is a straight dick move. You'd know that if anyone you loved was ever hurt or killed by a DUI driver.
Replybut if your loved ones get run over by a sober driver, it's ok!
To be fair, driving on pot is absolutely nothing like driving on booze. When was the last time you saw a person swerving in their lane, sporadically jerking around, and just generally driving recklessly, and thought, "That guy must be stoned off his ass?" Probably never, because the amount that smoking pot inhibits a human being's ability to drive is equivalent to a moderate dose of caffeine.
Actually, scratch that. For me, it's MUCH easier to drive safely after a blunt than it is a couple cups of coffee.
Almost all of my stoner friends switched to spice. For a week, I did too. In my town, you're lucky if someone shows up with real weed. Nobody has actual bud anymore, and when they do, it's gone super fast.
Replysounds like a job opening.
It seems that R Truth and Evan Bourne should have just stuck to regular weed!
Reply