People keep complaining that interesting movie characters are few and far between, but that's not because they don't exist. They just tend to cluster in the same films, because cool folks like to hang out in the same bars. Unfortunately, unless you're in a Marvel/Disney movie, there's usually just the one protagonist and a limited amount of supporting characters. That often means that a great number of hugely nuanced, immensely movie-worthy fictional folks are reduced to lesser roles than they should be getting. In my ongoing attempt to unleash the world's villains, sidekicks, and comedy bit parts to the glory that they deserve, I humbly request that Hollywood get off its ass and make the following goddamned movies, stat.
#6. The Bank Manager From The Dark Knight
Warner Bros. Pictures
As Jared Leto found out in a barrage of Insane Clown Posse jokes when his Joker was unveiled to the world, debuting the latest version of a hyper-beloved pop culture character is extremely difficult. That's why the opening scene of The Dark Knight is so damn impressive. It's an immaculately designed bank heist, planned to the most minute detail in a way that immediately reveals that this Joker is a far deeper, more cunning villain than we could ever have expected. And we were already expecting the impossible.
Oh, and the whole damn movie was this close to being exactly three minutes long, because a single man came within an inch of demolishing the Joker in a way Batman has spent 76 years utterly failing at, armed with nothing but a sackful of grit, a fancy suit, and a nasty shotgun. That man was William Fichtner's unnamed bank manager, and he's the fucking boss.
Think about the complex character Chris Nolan manages to create in roughly a minute of screen time. He's the bank manager, and therefore should be easily the sissiest character in that scene. Yet when he hears commotion in his bank, he doesn't try to hide. He doesn't panic, or even show any emotion. His two reactions are:
1. Taking off his glasses
2. Grabbing a goddamned shotgun and proceeding to blast his way through any and all opposition.
Warner Bros. Pictures
"Deposit or withdrawal, motherfucker?"
Note that the bank was already well-guarded. He just felt like wrecking shit. These should not be the actions of some throwaway comedy villain. That's a 1980s action hero who finally gave in to the dark side and took a nice-paying gig ... until he's needed for one final job.
The Joker can thank his fortune that it was him robbing that bank, and that he thus had popularity power on his side. Had virtually any other villain from Batman's rogues gallery attempted to rob the cash guarded by Fichtner-manager, the movie would have been precisely three minutes long and ended with a buckshot enema. Shit, had he made it through the robbery scene, the bank manager might have given fucking Batman a run for his money. Bruce Wayne spent the entire duration of The Dark Knight running around with a batsuit that could barely stop a knife while getting surprised by villains. This guy's whole modus operandi is looking like a harmless bank manager, then blasting you with a freaking shotgun out of nowhere. I know how I'd place my bets in that particular confrontation.
Rarely-seen alternative ending to The Dark Knight.
I'm not the only one intrigued by this guy, either. There's even a fun fan theory that he actually survived Joker's grenade treatment and became Killer Croc. And while I wouldn't go as far as turn him into an actual member of Batman's rogues gallery, I'd love to see more about this guy on the big screen. I think a Bank Manager With A Shotgun solo movie could go in two ways. Either look into his no-doubt profoundly insane backstory, or have him survive the Joker's assault and embark on a stone-faced yet bloody trail of vengeance in a manner not unlike Fichtner's demonic Accountant character in Drive Angry.
Actually, let's totally go that latter route. That way, even if Suicide Squad proves to be a giant turd, they can always end the extended edition by having Fichtner bust open the doors of Joker's hideout, give him a long, hard look, and wordlessly shoot him in the dick.
#5. Simon And Hans Gruber From The Die Hard Franchise
20th Century Fox
For years, I've kept hearing things about a Vega brothers movie, based on John Travolta's Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction and Michael Madsen's Mr. Blonde (real name: Vic Vega) from Reservoir Dogs. Even today, you hear rumors about it sometimes, despite how the movie would have to be a prequel (what with both characters being spectacularly dead at the end of their respective movies), both Travolta and Madsen are several decades older, and their cool black suits would have to be muu-muus at this point.
Personally, I've never understood the attraction. Cool as he was, Vincent Vega was essentially a massive fuckup who spent his entire movie failing in spectacular ways, dancing through a minefield of mistakes fueled by sheer dumb luck, and finally dying one of the most undignified deaths in the Tarantino-verse thanks to yet another screw-up. Witty and charming as he may have been, Mr. Blonde's idea of maintaining stealth in a hideout was to loudly blast music while torturing a cop. Together, these dipshits would be, at best, the boring non-vampire parts of From Dusk Till Dawn.
Besides, it's not like there aren't more movie-worthy brothers out there. For instance, how about a dip in the Die Hard franchise? How about a Gruber brothers movie, bitches?
20th Century Fox
"I'm the less popular one!"
One is an extraordinary thief with a penchant for murderous supervillain schemes. The other is an East German Special Forces Colonel turned terrorist. Neither likes the other very much. Together, they are crime. Imagine what these two could plan together. Imagine the mayhem they would cause. Imagine the Ocean's 11-style heist movie we'd see unfold. Shit, if you want, just reboot the whole franchise (it's not like it's been all that enticing recently, anyway) and pit a brand-new John McClane against both brothers at once. Provided they steer the hell away from hacking traffic lights and whatnot, there's no way in hell this wouldn't be the greatest movie ever made, according to the only critic who matters: me.
As with the Vega brothers, the movie would obviously have to be a prequel, so I can imagine recasting being a giant pain in the ass. Jeremy Irons doesn't get to do all that much with his Simon, so as long as they include a scene where the new guy wears that weird Kitana-from-Mortal Kombat tank top of his, I think we should be golden. Hans Gruber, on the other hand, would be a fucking nightmare. Where can you find a new Alan Rickman? The world's still nursing the shock from the loss of the old Alan Rickman.
20th Century Fox
Goodnight, sweet prince.
Maybe Miles Teller? I'm not a huge fan of the guy, but he might be able to bring in the younger Gruber's peculiar combination of ruthlessness, smarminess, and cool -- at least, provided we'd get him in Whiplash mode instead of whatever acting coma got him through Fantastic Four. But you'll probably disagree with that, as is your holy right as an internet denizen. So feel free to give your own suggestions in the comments.
#4. Jabba The Hutt (You Know Where He's From)
In recent years, there's been a certain amount of buzz about a particularly solo-movie-worthy Star Wars character. He dabbles in smuggling and various other crimes, yet wields a significant amount of power within the franchise. His natural charisma and handsome features make men punch the air and women (and, let's face it, a considerable percentage of guys) uncomfortably adjust their underwear thanks to sudden, extremely localized wardrobe malfunction. His tragic (if not entirely unexpected) death left many fans' hearts in tatters.
I'm talking, of course, about Jabba the Hutt.
If the lovable maniacs of Wookieepedia are on top of their shit after the Disney acquisition and the resulting death of Extended Universe, Jabba Desilijic Tiure (the "the Hutt" part is just a Captain Obvious reference to his species) was pretty much the tightest motherfucker in the entire galaxy for the entirety of his six-century lifespan. You know he was a crime lord. The movies said as much. But even with all his carbonite antics with Han Solo, his grand showing in Return Of The Jedi paints him more as a slovenly gang leader than a galactic super-gangster who presides over everything and can negotiate with the goddamned Empire on more or less even terms. The Rebels and Clone Wars animated series expand on his status somewhat, and paint him as the super-powerful kingpin he's meant to be. Oh, and he also has a dysfunctional family of other Hutts who vie for power in their council, the control of which Jabba eventually manages to gain.
Unfortunately, Pizza the Hut was not a member.
Can you see where I'm going? This is The Sopranos in space, people. The Godfather in space! Yet the majority of moviegoers know Jabba only as the giant turd-slug Leia strangled in inexplicable D&D underwear. Without insulting the upcoming Rogue One, I can't imagine a better way than a Jabba the Hutt solo movie to introduce the viewer to a movie universe that has hitherto been mostly about an extended Thanksgiving slapfight of a single dysfunctional family. Who gives a shit about the wacky misadventures of some Corellian rando or a useless bounty hunter in dented armor, when you can have a sweeping look at literally everything in the Star Wars universe from the viewpoint of a character who has interacted (and can interact) with absolutely everyone in said universe?