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Regarding The Incident With The Ark Of The Covenant

Aug. 27, 1936

Dr. Henry Walton "Indiana" Jones
Marshall College School of Archaeology
1271 Slocombe Rd., Bedford, CT 10508

Dear Dr. Jones,

We are proud to say that the editorial board of the Marshall College Archaeological Review has accepted your submission for publication in our fall issue. However, we do have a few notes for your draft before we move forward.

The Title

Though your findings are certainly incredible and we understand your enthusiasm, we must say that the title "God Melted Some Nazi Faces In Front Of Me" simply doesn't fit our journal's aesthetic. I am only more distressed by the title when I read the first sentence of your abstract, which states "At least I think that's what happened. Really, I just closed my eyes for a while, and when I opened them, all the Nazis had melted." As men of science, it is our academic duty to at least entertain the notion that there was a corrosive substance inside the Ark of the Covenant that killed them. Or perhaps there was some sort of violent squabble that erupted while you and Miss Ravenwood had your eyes shut. Or anything, really. Any explanation beyond "God did it" should, at the very least, be mentioned. This segues nicely into my next concern.

Your Methods

While your conclusions are fascinating, there are certain aspects of your journey that for the sake of my reputation (to say nothing of yours) should probably be downplayed. For example, there is the following passage:

"I ran past a bunch of traps that were rigged to fire poisoned darts at me if I stepped in the wrong place. Luckily, I'm very nimble, and I made it to the Chachapoyan Fertility Idol. I swapped it with a bag of sand, but I must have gotten the weight wrong, because I activated another trap that collapsed the entire cave!"

I find this highly distressing to read, as an archaeologist. It is true that the golden monkey statue is very swell, as the kids say, but a millennia-old tomb full of functioning traps isn't just an archaeological treasure; it's a technological marvel. I can't even begin to explain how much we could have learned from this site if you had not exploded it.

And this is to say nothing of your conflict with the German army. As I'm sure you are aware, the political climate in Europe is somewhat volatile right now. Any reference to sneaking aboard a German submarine or threatening their soldiers with a rocket launcher must be removed from the final, published draft. This is not negotiable.

Finally ...

Your Citations

For future reference, the Marshall College Archaeological Review does not consider "All my evidence was confiscated by the government" to be an acceptable citation. Surely you have some shred of proof of your findings? We are eager to see the money invested in your research pay off. However, we cannot publish an article that alleges concrete proof of the existence of a Judeo-Christian God without a single shred of evidence.

If you can make these changes, we would be happy to move forward with your article.


Regarding The Incident With The Sankara Stones

Feb. 18, 1937

Dr. Henry Walton "Indiana" Jones
Marshall College School of Archaeology
1271 Slocombe Rd., Bedford, CT 10508

Dr. Indiana Jones,

We regret to inform you that your article, titled "Magic Exists And Also I Saved A Bunch Of Child Slaves" has not been accepted for publication in the summer issue of the Marshall College Archaeological Review. We do, however, have some notes regarding the use of your travel stipend, your continued irreverence for the methodology of our profession, and your previous as yet unpublished article still titled "God Melted Some Nazi Faces In Front Of Me."

Your Methods

Most archaeological expeditions begin with months (often years) of research, followed by gathering and filling out the necessary forms (for international work, this usually requires getting permission from local governments). In this case, you seem to have engaged in a violent conflict with a South Asian criminal organization shortly before crashing an airplane in India. There you promptly (for unrelated reasons) decided to help out a pre-industrial village that saw you as a divine entity. Is that timeline correct? Because that is (with apologies) completely insane, Dr. Jones. I hate to make this accusation, but I am left with the impression that you are using your sizable travel stipend -- several times larger than that of any other employee of the college -- to meander aimlessly around the globe smashing stuff.

Your Citations

This is by far the strangest piece of feedback I have ever provided to a professor, but I must make it clear that neither "my gut" nor "my pink pants-pistol" are considered acceptable citations by the Marshall College Archaeological Review or as phrases to use in polite conversation. I must also ask that you refrain from using personal anecdotes in your writing. None of your "findings" were informed by your sexual relationship with Miss Willie Scott, so we do not feel that your liaisons were necessary. Particularly not in such raw detail as to what you or she are "into." Many of the acts you described are technically illegal in the state of Connecticut.

That said, it is bittersweet to finally learn the fate of your TA, Wu Han, whom we have had listed as a missing person for the last three years. The next time you see one of your students murdered (a distressingly plausible possibility), please let us know as soon as possible rather than waiting three years to mention it in passing in your academic writings.

Paramount Pictures
I sure hope our country doesn't make a habit of getting young men killed
for no reason in Southeast Asia.

Your Conclusions

Describing a historic artifact as "just another rock collecting dust" is a strange sentiment for an academic. Those "rocks" are why you have a job, after all. They paid for that plane you crashed?

Please submit the revisions for your article proving the existence of God. Further payment is pending the return of your travel stipend.

I have submitted the paperwork to limit your use of school resources until this is resolved.


PS: Did you have a small child with you this whole time? Do you have any idea what happened to him, or where his family is? This isn't for the benefit of the journal; it would just be a huge relief to learn that this young man is OK and free from your influences.

Continue Reading Below

Regarding The Holy Grail And Your Father

July 19, 1939

Dr. Henry Walton "Indiana" Jones
Marshall College School of Archaeology
1271 Slocombe Rd., Bedford, CT 10508

Dr. Jones,

Are you taunting me with these submission? I can't help but feel that every single piece of feedback I've given you is being thrown in my face in your latest submission, titled "I Met A Thousand-Year-Old Knight And Drank From Jesus' Wine Glass And Fucked A Hot Nazi Spy."

It was not necessary to include this picture.

For example, the first third of your article features no academic research whatsoever. It's merely an anecdote from your childhood (in which you are outwitted by "a guy who looked just like me, except his scar was on his cheek instead of his chin"), adventures on the high seas, and your desperation to escape the "tedious trappings of academic work."

Perhaps the most frustrating thing is your description of an "idiotic flood" of students confronting you outside your office and demanding that you grade their papers. Particularly because it is your only story to date to feature meticulous sourcing and research. Did you think I was unaware of the 127 ungraded undergraduate papers that you included in your submission? I was not. And how exactly do you expect to grade them now that they are on my desk, Dr. Jones? Do you expect me to do that? I shall not! I'd suggest you have your teacher's assistant do it, but you already got him killed in a bar in fucking Shanghai.

You later give us a description, in stunning and evocative detail utterly uncharacteristic of your normal writing style, of a knight's tomb hidden beneath a Venetian church. Then, in significantly less detail, you inform us that you blew it up! I suppose I shouldn't say that your attention to detail is uncharacteristic of your writing -- you mention similar details when describing your luxurious accommodations and first-class travel arrangements. I don't know how you got around my attempt to freeze your travel stipends, Dr, Jones, but I won't allow you to outwit me again.

Finally, did you really need to reference your father's speech impediment every time he spoke? Yes, I noticed that it is identical to my own speech impediment. Do not think I can't recall that you referenced it throughout the last faculty dinner meeting. You kept giggling every time I asked someone to "sit down." Then you would ask me if I understood the joke. Trust me, I understood it quite well.

This is not a threat, Dr. Jones, but a promise: I'm going to spend the remainder of my career trying to end yours.

Good day.

Regarding The Crystal Skulls

Dec. 1, 1958

Dr. Henry Walton "Indiana" Jones
Marshall College School of Archaeology
1271 Slocombe Rd., Bedford, CT 10508


Yes, I received your latest submission, "Aliens, You Guys." I also received your various other submissions over the last 20- years, like your stories from your childhood and that jiggery pokery with the discovery of Atlantis. Or I guess I should say my successor received them, as I was asked to step into a lower, advisory position at the Marshall College Archaeological Review. A publication I practically built from the ground up. I've lost everything in my attempts to stop your reckless use of school resources. Our colleagues saw me as vindictive and jealous. Due to my advancing years and professional disgrace, it looks as if I'll never see that tenure I worked so hard to achieve.

But do you know what I will see, Dr. Jones? You. In hell. You see, I may just turn out to be the most dangerous man you ever met.

Are you feeling woozy, Dr. Jones? That's because I soaked this paper in an obscure Tibetan poison. The only antidote is found in the meat of a cactus that grows only at the top of the Himalayan oh who am I kidding, you probably have a wisecracking Sikh friend who can help you out of this jam.

I hate you so much.

If you're Steven Spielberg or George Lucas and want to hire JF Sargent to write the script for Indiana Jones 5, he can be contacted on Twitter or Facebook. If you're not Steven Spielberg or George Lucas, then that's fine too. I'm not going to make you forget the article or anything.

See why early drafts of Indiana Jones might have made him a pedophile in 5 Insane Early Drafts of Famous Movie Characters or check out why the only way Indiana Jones could make sense is if he had aquatic powers in 6 Movie Plot Holes You Never Noticed Thanks to Editing.

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