At first I thought the game was being a dick. However, as I was studying a book about fetal alcohol syndrome to prepare for an OkCupid date, I noticed that Dead Rising 2 had a lot of the symptoms I was reading about. All this time I was so angry at it, but it wasn't the game's fault! Dead Rising 2 only has fetal alcohol syndrome. Let's take a closer look at the signs.
Poor Coordination; Lack of Fine Motor SkillsYou play as Chuck Greene, motocross champion and single father of a half-zombie daughter. Also, he's a spaz. He moves like a washing machine with a brick in it and fights like a sleeping bag with a camp counselor in it. Let me give you an example: If you use your Xbox controller to politely ask Chuck to swing his baseball bat at the zombie in front of him, he'll stop, turn around and obliterate the one safely behind him. And then the disinterested one behind that. While the zombies begin to swarm, you might ask your controller, "Made-in-China piece of shit! Can't you understand American thumbs!?" Screaming this is how you make Chuck jump.
Chuck is a dick. If you press the B button to ask him to grab a nourishing burrito, he'll always grab the useless plastic tray under it. I think he thinks it's a magic trick. He seems to know exactly what you want to do at any time and mocks you by doing the opposite. I was probably bitten 50 times when I pressed "PICK UP THE GODDAMN GUN" and Chuck thought I meant "REARRANGE THE FURNITURE." Which is understandable, since I made the same mistake in reverse with my ex-girlfriend.
The worst event in every video game is called an "escort mission." This is where the computer gives you a helpless idiot and asks you to keep it safe. These are frustrating because it's now possible for you to fail whenever the computer tells itself to kill itself. Dead Rising 2 is almost completely an escort mission, which sucks because safety is the natural enemy of fetal alcohol syndrome. I just mentioned how Chuck is unpredictable during his combat seizures, but when he's trying to protect a non-zombie you can count on every attack smashing directly into your friend's face. Chuck's decided that easiest way to get survivors to the safe house is in liquid form on the end of his bat. His idea of safety is taking a condom off to give his date something to puke in.
Mental RetardationChuck has serious brain problems. Besides killing zombies with stupid weapons, his main motivation is keeping his daughter Katey safe. So being a genius, he locks her in a bunker with every random lunatic that he finds in the mall. By the end of the game, Katey is sharing a room with hookers, zombie bite victims, thieves, bombers, strippers and one man-eating tiger. She would have been safer if he just tied her outside to a sign that said, "DO NOT EAT. Fatter children ahead."
Chuck's special needs might not be genetic, though. As I was fighting in a night club, I fed him three beers and watched helplessly as he vomited uncontrollably for the next few minutes. Puking after three beers? You know what that means -- this guy must have already been hammered. Then after he finished throwing up, Chuck pulled a gun out of a suicidal stranger's mouth and took him to the safe house to babysit his daughter. Holy shit, not even Andrew W.K. parties that hard. Chuck's going to wake up tomorrow and say, "Oh man, I drank so much that my daughter is in three separate plastic bags!"