Since I picked up Dead Rising 2, I've killed so many dead people that ghosts now dare each other to spend the night in my house. But for all my zombie slaughter, I spend an equal amount of time inventing new ways to curse at the game. For instance, a 19-syllable "co-o-ock" is how I tell the dodge button to work. As much as I love the game, the developers seem to think I was the one who slept with their wives. Like Dane Cook's prostate, Dead Rising 2 is perfectly engineered to annoy anyone who touches it.
At first I thought the game was being a dick. However, as I was studying a book about fetal alcohol syndrome to prepare for an OkCupid date, I noticed that Dead Rising 2 had a lot of the symptoms I was reading about. All this time I was so angry at it, but it wasn't the game's fault! Dead Rising 2 only has fetal alcohol syndrome. Let's take a closer look at the signs.
Chuck is a dick. If you press the B button to ask him to grab a nourishing burrito, he'll always grab the useless plastic tray under it. I think he thinks it's a magic trick. He seems to know exactly what you want to do at any time and mocks you by doing the opposite. I was probably bitten 50 times when I pressed "PICK UP THE GODDAMN GUN" and Chuck thought I meant "REARRANGE THE FURNITURE." Which is understandable, since I made the same mistake in reverse with my ex-girlfriend.
The worst event in every video game is called an "escort mission." This is where the computer gives you a helpless idiot and asks you to keep it safe. These are frustrating because it's now possible for you to fail whenever the computer tells itself to kill itself. Dead Rising 2 is almost completely an escort mission, which sucks because safety is the natural enemy of fetal alcohol syndrome. I just mentioned how Chuck is unpredictable during his combat seizures, but when he's trying to protect a non-zombie you can count on every attack smashing directly into your friend's face. Chuck's decided that easiest way to get survivors to the safe house is in liquid form on the end of his bat. His idea of safety is taking a condom off to give his date something to puke in.
Chuck's special needs might not be genetic, though. As I was fighting in a night club, I fed him three beers and watched helplessly as he vomited uncontrollably for the next few minutes. Puking after three beers? You know what that means -- this guy must have already been hammered. Then after he finished throwing up, Chuck pulled a gun out of a suicidal stranger's mouth and took him to the safe house to babysit his daughter. Holy shit, not even Andrew W.K. parties that hard. Chuck's going to wake up tomorrow and say, "Oh man, I drank so much that my daughter is in three separate plastic bags!"
Besides the fact that the supporting cast was written by horny Japanese teens, they're all programmed to move with the same drunken coordination as Chuck. That means they spend their entire rescue killing each other and you. One husband and wife team were clearly not trying to shoot anything other than each other. He must have mistaken her for a zombie since her tits weren't out. I'm not sure why she was shooting him, but I imagine it has something to do with the writer of this game being shot at by every woman he's ever met.
In most video games, a boss battle requires pattern recognition and a well-executed plan. However, Chuck's attacks are so unresponsive and clumsy that it takes him 20 hours to unhook an 18-hour bra. The designers seem to know this, so instead of elaborate cinematic fights, you hit everything with a bat. Everything. If you find yourself trying to be cute and falling back to scrounge a sniper rifle and outflank your enemy, there's a five-year-old somewhere who's already pounded him into a puddle. And as soon as it's explained to him what a pussy is, he'll know that you are one.
You don't even get to relax during the impossibly long loading screens that appear every time you go through a door because the moment it lets you play again, a wall of mouths is lunging at you. Pausing the game at any time cuts Chuck's momentum so that when you leave the pause menu the zombie chasing you welcomes you back with a slobbery tackle. If you look away from the game, it puts its finger in your sister. But you have to remember, it's not its fault -- Dead Rising 2 didn't ask to be born this way. And ... and dammit, I love it.
Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet. You can follow him on Twitter.