The holidays are here again, which means, in addition to lots of opportunities to finally get that first DUI under your belt, expect to smile your way through a bunch of dreadful activities your family insists on partaking in on account of "tradition."
Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of enjoyable things to do around the holidays. Tree trimming is usually a good-time bonding experience for any family. Also, my GOD, there's so much football on Thanksgiving Day, which provides me personally with not only hours of holiday enjoyment, but also a quick answer when the inevitable "What are you thankful for?" question comes my way.
Again, though, not all holiday traditions deserve the longevity they've enjoyed up to this point. Here are six "beloved" holiday traditions people only pretend to enjoy ...
Hey, if seeing Thanksgiving dinner leftovers on this list makes you angry, just know that I almost made this entry about the dinner itself. And no, I don't mean the part where you sit around a table with people you haven't seen since at least last year (and for good reason) until someone gets drunk and a fight breaks out. I mean the actual food. Turkey is just chicken that thinks it's special. You know what I have for Thanksgiving dinner each year? Indian food.
Masala, not maize.
That said, who am I to decide what food people should enjoy? If you like turkey, eat it. I don't care. However, I refuse to believe anyone enjoys turkey enough to eat it for five straight days without at least once wishing they had a burger to break the monotony. Because that's all Thanksgiving leftovers usually amount to -- a bunch of turkey and nothing else. Sure, for that first day or two there might be a few side dishes left, but those always get gobbled up right away, leaving nothing but pounds of dry (and getting drier by the day!), bland turkey meat. It's at this point that any remaining bird should be fed to the pets or the homeless or whatever, but that rarely happens, because that's not how the tradition works. Instead, you start getting subjected to shit like this:
Look at that thing! That is not how a turkey sandwich is supposed to work. I don't care if it's white or dark meat, either way, that sandwich is going to be dry and terrible. You could probably go through a gallon of water trying to choke that thing down. Given the presentation and attention to detail, I'm guessing the person planning to consume this is still basking in that next-day afterglow where the leftovers still resemble the meal you so fondly remember, as opposed to the pile of turkey carcass scraps it will eventually become.
"You know, we should just chuck it down the garbage disposal and see what happens."
Give it another day or two, when that sweetly presented sandwich delight has devolved into varying-size chunks of dry turkey between two pieces of Wonder Bread, and the suggestion of another turkey-based meal starts to sound more like a threat than anything else. We power through, though, because tradition dictates that, in the days following Thanksgiving, "turkey" is what's on the menu until every bit of holiday food is gone.
If only Halloween worked that way.
Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
Do you work in an office? If so, you're about one week away from that time of year when the office activities committee starts trying to cajole you into participating in this year's Secret Santa program. If you're unfamiliar with the term, basically it means a group of people are each assigned the name of a person they must buy a gift for and then present it to them anonymously. Sometimes it's a series of small gifts, culminating in one final, larger gift, with "larger" generally meaning "no more than $10."
"This used copy of Lilo & Stitch has that chick in accounting's name all over it."
It's an innocent enough idea, but if you deny the fact that it also turns any office into a melting pot of paranoia, resentment, and frustration, you probably invented the concept and aren't willing to acknowledge the hell you've unleashed upon the rest of the world.
The problem is, your workplace is filled with a wide range of personalities, a lot of them of the awful variety. Inevitably, those personalities start to shine through in the gifts people give.
"Guess who's giving out designer Post-it notes this year."
For example, there's at least one person in every Secret Santa program who clearly just gives out random shit they have laying around the house. For this person, Secret Santa is all about receiving. They receive thoughtful gifts from you, and in turn you receive three bottles of hotel shampoo (DoubleTree!) and a baseball cap with your employer's logo on it (the same one you all received at a company outing two months prior).
That shampoo will look great in your disgusting bathroom, though!
Another regular in the starting lineup of any Secret Santa program is the lottery ticket guy, which could actually be a man or a woman, but history has yet to produce a fuckable woman with a lottery addiction, so referring to this person as a guy is always acceptable. And make no mistake, addiction is exactly what you're a party to when your Secret Santa partner gives you the gift of lottery tickets. They aren't saying "Hey, I hope my gift earns you enough cash to quit your day job." No, the real message here is "I have a problem, and I've decided to make it your problem as well this Christmas by using the money I would've spent on your gift to further my addiction instead."
"And then if you win I'll just kill you in the parking lot!"
Then again, what kind of gift were you going to get with the traditional $10 limit in place anyway? Probably nothing too memorable. Except that's not necessarily true, because there's always one person who's great at buying cheap gifts who, ultimately, makes everyone else look like a thoughtless bastard. Whether they are good at personalizing the gift to match the interests of the person they're shopping for or just really know how to get the most out of a dollar, their expertise makes everyone else not even want to participate.
Except you can't do that either, because if you do, then you're the asshole who doesn't like your co-workers. It's that pressure to take part combined with every problem listed before it that makes Secret Santa one of the biggest plagues currently infecting the holiday season.
"The Elf on the Shelf" became a Christmas tradition when a book of the same name said it should back in 2005. Basically, it involves placing an elf doll somewhere in your home and telling your children that he's there to watch them and report the findings directly to Santa Claus, which he does by going all the way back to the North Pole every single night. He then "returns" the next day, positioned in a new spot, where he can once again rule over your child's behavior using nothing more than his dead-eyed stare.
Before it leaves for the North Pole each night ... it watches you sleep.
This, apparently, goes on night after night until Christmas finally rolls around and everyone realizes the elves must have said good things because, sure enough, there are a bunch of presents from Santa underneath the tree. First of all, this is a total perversion of what Santa's controlling power over children is supposed to be. Much like God or the devil, Santa is to be known about and feared, but never seen. Keeping your children in check by simply suggesting that some unknown but all-knowing entity is watching them is a powerful parenting tool. Working a doll into the mix does nothing short of destroying the legend surrounding Santa's powers of surveillance. He's never needed an elf to tell him who's naughty or nice.
Even without all that taken into account, this is a trend that needs to die for no other reason than its seemingly limitless ability to turn Christmas into one long month of creepiness. See, several websites have popped up that encourage parents to send pictures of their "wacky" ideas for where to stash their elf each day. As seen in this series of nightmares ...
... the results ...
... are often ...
This, clearly, is not a tradition for children. This is a tradition for bored soccer moms who've run out of stamping and scrapbooking ideas. Cut it out.