I used to be an angry young man. Now, I'm no longer young. Am I less angry? No, not really, but things have changed. My anger used to take the form of judgment. I took sides. I made pronouncements. There were good guys and bad guys, and deriding the evil was my way of cementing myself into the correct morality. Perhaps, most impressively, I did this all without the help of the Internet. In the '90s, you couldn't just tweet, "Fuck da police #ICantBreathe," and call it a day. You had to blast your NWA CDs until the cops broke up your kegger due to noise complaints while you sneered like a little badass.
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"Screw you, pig," I thought while contemptuously lowering the volume on my boombox.
In essence, like most young people, I was judgmental. Everywhere were injustices and everyone was either part of the problem or part of the solution. And while that remains true, you also learn something else with age: Life is hard. Not everyone in this life has the luxury of weighing all the ramifications of every action and pursuing the cleanest ethical course. There are details, priorities, and obligations. There are all the things in grownup lives that make seemingly clear decisions hazy. And in that haze of maturity, you learn to judge people just a bit less. Here are five things getting older teaches you to judge less harshly.
#5. Staying In Safe, Soul-Sucking Jobs
Man, remember being young? Oh, wait -- if you're reading this, odds are good, demographically speaking, that you are young, so maybe I should say, "Man, remember what you looked like when you took a selfie three minutes ago?" The point is, when you're young, you dream of conquering the world, and doing so on your own terms. And that's great. Those are good ideals. I've not lost sight of that, and I'd be very sad if anything I wrote made someone in high school or college disregard shooting for a Steve Jobs, J.K. Rowling, or Chuck Swenson existence. (Chuck was some dude I knew who inherited an oil well. Never mind. That was a stupid example.)
But, along with shooting for great success can come antipathy for people content with less. A hatred for "sell-outs" and "company men." People who suffer in shitty, soul-draining jobs because they can't sack up and try for something more. Don't get me wrong. I still hate sycophantic hacks who compensate for their mediocrity with kiss-up bullshit, too scared to live and die based on their merit, but I don't resent people for how they pay the bills. Like, sure, it might seem easy to criticize Ann Coulter for professionally spreading misinformation and hatred for a living, but perhaps she's saving up to pay off her medical bills from the surgical removal of her heart and soul.
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Not surprisingly, Hell's insurance provider has a killer of a co-pay.
You get older, and even if you're still striving for the kind of success you want, the older you get, the more obligations you acquire: student-loan debt, bills, medical expenses, childcare costs. You can never really know what's going on in someone's marriage. Even years ago, when I was working a job that paid me more than I ever thought I'd make, I was still worried about paying bills, because I had a six-figure student loan debt and an insane mortgage. (We'd just moved into a modest place with a great school system for the kids, which also came with insane property values and taxes.) You just never know what people need to do to make a buck, and getting older makes it a lot easier not to judge. (FYI, this article will not be a good defense in court if you're busted selling meth to finance your rock-'n'-roll stardom dreams).
Hey, let's liven this up with sex. Need more? Let's talk about forbidden sex. Still not good enough? Let's talk about dirty, forbidden, sinful sex! Yes, let's talk about adultery. There's no doubt about it, adultery is a sin, largely frowned upon in decent society, despite providing so many solid storylines for "My Friend's Hot Mom" porn.
Pictured: Not actually my friend's mom.
As a kid and all through my 20s, I had a very puritanical, judgmental, but highly nuanced view of adultery. It went something like this: Anyone who cheats on their spouse is a selfish, hurtful piece of shit. OK, maybe it wasn't that nuanced. But, as far as I knew, I didn't grow up in a philandering home, and when I was young and in love, the entire concept of adultery seemed so cripplingly hurtful that I was positive any practitioner was nothing more than an animal, selfishly giving in to their basest instincts.
Now, my point is not to say I'm now indifferent to the concept of cheating -- I'm not. But age has taught me that no one should judge another's marriage. You just don't know what goes on. You don't know if one partner can't or won't perform sexually. You don't know if there is deep resentment and hostility making a partner stray, not so much for orgasms but for a touch of kindness. You don't know about couples dealing with mental illness, couples staying together for kids, couples forced to cohabitate due to financial strain despite not one ounce of love in their bed. No, none of this is a defense for the act of coming home to your spouse, genitals still wet from someone else. You can't defend it. But you can stop yourself from judging. Marriages can be hard and confusing enough for the people in them, let alone for judgmental outsiders to have any idea what's going on.
I have been called many things, but aside from my work as a Calvin Klein underwear model from 1998 to 2007, "fashionable" is not one of them. So while I can't really speak to being less judgmental about fashion with age, I do have a female friend who can. Below is my paraphrase of my conversation with my friend. Let's just call her Gillian Anderson. No, wait, let's call her Shirley Manson of Garbage. (Wait, I'm also, like, super tight with Rose McGowan and Alyssa Milano. Hmm.) Nope, it was Shirley Manson (allegedly) and she had this to say (purportedly). (By the way, I wrote it in the first-person so you can pretend this '90s icon is talking directly to you! You're welcome!)
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Yep, just a pic of my bestie, Shirls.
As a child, I judged adults who were clearly out of style because I thought it meant they were either too out of touch to see changes in fashion or were bizarrely fighting against it. Just taking jeans as an example: I saw the world progress from the tight, rolled-bottom of my elementary school to the high school fashion of lower-waisted, flared bottoms. As a teenager, I still saw lots of older women wearing straight-legged jeans, like I did at 10. I couldn't understand why they were insisting on not getting a new pair of jeans just so they could look dated, marginalized, and lame.
Even by college I wondered how hard would it be to update a wardrobe. But once I got a job and was fully paying for my own clothes, I started to recognize you have to pick and choose what clothes to invest in, and a lot of fashion is there and gone in a single year, much like American Idol winners.
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"Soul Patr- hey, where did everyone go?"
Also, with age I became attached to some pieces of clothing or I valued a piece of clothing because it had been a special, expensive purchase. I stopped wanting to have to put so much thought into my clothes and, instead, wore outfits I'd worn before and felt good in. I realized those people I saw with no sense of current fashion weren't necessarily lame and out of touch; they just had other priorities, and good for them. Fuck what some arbitrary industry tells us is in style for two minutes.