A long time ago, before you were born, video games didn't even have ratings. Then we figured out how to make digital blood, and we were all like, "Good lord! What is this horror? What manner of beast is man? We must cover these atrocities with letters, quickly!"
But it's weird to me how we only have ratings for violence and sex, but none of the stuff that actually matters to me when I'm trying to decide whether or not to buy a game. Or, more importantly, the stuff that makes me regret buying a game. That's why I'm proposing some ratings that tell me ...
5If The Game Wants Me To Wackity-Wack My Noodle-Doodler
These days, lots of games have sexy parts in them. Sometimes these games get -- and I hope I'm not out of line pointing this out -- a tad gratuitous. This is a controversial thing, but who cares? Lots of people, because that's what "controversial" means, but let's ignore that for a second. Instead of talking about sexism and representation of the female form and objectification, I'm going to talk about how weird I feel when I'm in the middle of a video game and all of the sudden I feel like I should be worried about someone walking in on me.
That's a scene in Grand Theft Auto V where you can go to a strip club, sit down, and watch a digital person wave her parts at you for as long as you want. The point isn't whether or not I jerked off to a digital stripper in Grand Theft Auto; no one's on trial here and this is a judgment-free zone. The point is this also happens in Metal Gear Solid V.
If you hang out in your helicopter for long enough with the character Quiet, she'll start waving her butt and boobs in your face. The games I've listed, at least, have the dignity to pick a girl for you -- the franchises Mass Effect, Dragon Age, and The Witcher all have "romance" side quests that are basically mini-games that reward you with whatever genre of light porn you want: "Do you wanna whack it to blue alien butt, elf tits, or a naked brunette on a unicorn? Your call," says the game, to you, the player.
Again, there's nothing inherently wrong with this. I have no problem with you being porn, video games. You do you. All that I ask is that if you are porn, please let me know so I can hide you when my mom comes over.
4How Many Hours Of Pregame There Are
Like most of the red-blooded, freedom-loving world, I liked Metal Gear Solid V a lot. But that's only because on the night I played it, I happened to have a free two and a half hours, because that's how long it takes for this game to start. To be clear, MGSV is a great game, but it's a great game that's front-loaded with an entire Fellowship of the Ring of cutscenes and crawling around on a hospital floor, picking up who knows what kind of gross infections. I had reached the point where it was all the horseshit I could take, and I was about to assume the entire game was horseshit, when I finally got to the actual game part of the game and could start kidnapping bears and murdering Russians. But I was at my horseshit limit, and I have a high tolerance for horseshit. If you have a lower tolerance for equine feces, then you should get a fucking warning on the box so you can pay your neighbor's kid to play the first chunk of the game for you.
This is never a pleasant surprise.
But the real problem isn't the games that take a while to get good -- I understand that setting up atmosphere is important to some people. The real problem is the games that seem like they're going to get good but never do. I sank like 20 hours into Mad Max before I realized that I had seen everything the game had to offer in the first five. The point is we're all going to die some day and if you're going to waste your precious mortality playing video games they should at least be the good ones.
Why are there so many Southern Country Boys in post-apocalyptic Australia, you piece of shit game?