5 Online Petitions That Prove Democracy is Broken
The White House has set up a petition site for Internet commenters, which is weird, because it's usually in favor of democracy.* "We the People" lets random users make demands of the government. YouTube comments already provide more convincing arguments against democracy than Marx and Mao combined. After all, the person asking Yahoo Answers "How is babby formed?" doesn't just have the same number of votes as you -- they and their accidental offspring have at least five times as many.
*ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Guarantee insane political comments in the lead sentence.
Now that the government has given democracy itself a comment section, let's see what the Internet is doing with it, shall we?
#5. "Show Us the Aliens"
NOTE:Petitions are notoriously wordy because idiots think talking longer makes a stronger argument. Links to the full text are provided below each image.
It's obvious that there's life somewhere else in the universe (especially since every star has planets), and equally obvious that there's none on Earth. The government can't even hide their representatives' genitals from us, never mind spaceships.
Getty
"If I told you that you could ride it into space, would you look at the pictures of it?"
We're not saying E.T.-ophiles are bad at research, but they submitted two petitions on the exact same subject on the same day. They couldn't get through a single website without missing important evidence and wasting their time. The best part of their petition is "Opinion polls now indicate more than 50 percent of the American people believe there is an extraterrestrial presence and more than 80 percent believe the government is not telling the truth about this phenomenon." They directly equate this belief with existence, instead of proving an urgent need for educational reform. Or legislation against making up imaginary statistics. Though to be fair, "belief = proof" is the exact argument millions of other Americans use to justify beings in the sky.
This petition is supported by the "Paradigm Research Group," who make the Atlantean Time-Share Group look well thought out. And they've apparently been too busy watching the skies since 1998 to make a new website.
http://www.paradigmresearchgroup.org/
Yes, these are people on the cutting edge of information technology.
The petitions gained 17,000 signatures, so the government decided to respond and subtract 17,000 from every future vote on anything. The reply pointed out that there wasn't any evidence, at all, and listed all the awesome searches for off-world life currently being conducted by people who know how to work a brain. Faced with overwhelming evidence and the entirety of NASA, the Paradigm Research Group tried a second petition asking for the exact same things again. They just keep plugging away until they're satisfied, no matter how hilariously they embarrass themselves. If we thought the submitter had a girlfriend, we'd feel sorry for her.
#4. Energy "Catalizer"
The petition is written in the third person, but there hasn't been an unlikelier third person since Adam and Eve's wacky alien gardener, Zorblu. This isn't Rossi's first try at sock-puppeting: His blog features comments from documentary makers, international think-tank executives, global business clients and probably a few wizards begging to buy this amazing product. It's less convincing than a teenager renaming his right hand "girlfriend from Canada."
And while we can't say for sure that Andrea Rossi hasn't mastered the physics of an energy catalyzer, he can't even spell "catalyzer." His invention allegedly fuses hydrogen and nickel to produce copper and energy. We won't get into the impossibilities here, but it has more logical flaws than Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and is believed to actually exist by fewer people.
Even though every respectable scientist in the world says his machine is full of shit, he's skipping straight to the White House. Because it's not like the U.S. government has any history of knowing about nuclear devices.
Getty
These rubes don't know a thing about fusion.
Rossi insists that his invention, which looks like it was welded by a depressed plumber to express the bleakness of a lifetime spent with other people's U-bends, works by using a "secret mixture" of catalysts to fuse hydrogen and nickel into copper. You know you can trust a nuclear reactor that uses the same explanation as KFC.
http://www.energydigital.com
"As long as it's not clogged with hair, it generates free energy."
Especially when they're talking about a reaction that is energetically impossible even in the heart of a large star. His work has been published in the "Journal of Nuclear Physics," but only because that's the name he gave his blog. It's like changing your first name to Doctor and trying to operate on people. The device is actually a reverse Schrodinger's cat, because if the reaction ever works it'll kill everyone attempting to observe it. The 2 inches of lead shielding around the core are to gamma rays what cling wrap is to an angry tiger.
Rossi reportedly has a history with fraudulent companies and alleged metals, and a preliminary patent review reported that his claims "offend against the generally accepted laws of physics." When a government body has to point out that you're insulting reality, your invention would be rejected by He-Man as an implausible source of energy.
Mattel
I HAVE THE THERMODYNAMICS-VIOLATING POWER!
#3. Evil Corporate Cure Conspiracy
The idea that corporations are hiding a cure for cancer is popular with paranoid lunatics who don't understand science, medicine, patents or profit.
Getty
"What are you idiots saying now?"
It's a little-known effect that conspiracy theories always attract the exact opposite kind of lunatic: people who never leave their basement believe aliens have traveled all the way to Earth, people who can't spell think superscientists have cured all disease and assholes who are virgins think only assholes get women.
This petition is such a contradictory mixture of cynical and optimistic it shouldn't exist. Care Bears with ecstasy make more sense, because at least then you'd understand why they're so huggy all the time. The 591 petitioners believe that huge corporations would rather let people die than become the most successful brand of all time by curing a disease forever, but that the same EvilCorp will hand over the cure if there's a law saying so. The law is less enforceable than the three-second rule on the International Space Station.
Especially since their strategy is "There's a giant conspiracy that has suppressed evidence for decades, so we'll ask them online instead." If there were a secret government conspiracy to paralyze the masses and distract them with pointless bullshit, they would have invented the Internet. Internet petitions are a less effective form of protest than punching the pillow you're crying into.
Not your best work
ReplyWhile I don't believe they have found a cure for breast cancer I do believe that charities that raise money for research should be forced to spend 85% of all donations on it. You know to help speed the process up. Also I think there would be a better chance of curing this killer if corporations shared research on the subject. Thats my 2 cents. Now profanity shit+pussy+fucking=Alabama Hot Pocket.
ReplyMarx against democracy? Marx is against capitalism. The opposite of democracy is fascism/dictatorship. Yep, America, the opposites of the democracy you claim you support are the dictatorships you have come to support to stem the rise of communism.
ReplyEugh so many people in this comments section seem like arses -_- I don't know what it is about these comments in particular, but it's not like the debate, bickering, trolling etc that I usually see, it just all seems... mean-spirited, like an old cat swiping at a kitten because it's in a bad mood.
ReplyI found that I don't agree with the author's insults towards one particular petition. As far as I have read, there has been found an actual "cancer cure", and has been around since the 1970s. Obviously, it will not do any good to petition against it; the forces controlling the release of this drug are much more powerful (at this point) than any fight against them. Yet, the author made a mistake saying that "The idea that corporations are hiding a cure for cancer is popular with paranoid lunatics who don't understand science, medicine, patents or profit." I would consider this petition not as the work of a paranoid lunatic, but rather a person interested in sharing the goings-on of the medical world.
ReplyI felt a little annoyed by this article, and some of the comments here. They make it sound like you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a dozen conspiracy theorists. Maybe things are different outside the UK, but I've only met one person who is a conspiracy theorist. She struck me as being an intelligent lady, apart from the idea that the moon landing didn‘t happened. I don't think conspiracy theories are stupid. They're just theories with less evidence to support them than the evidence to support the idea that there was no conspiracy, and things happened the way we were told they did. That's similar to religion, and, unpopular though this opinion might be, most religious people I've met aren't morons. Ok, so maybe conspiracy theorists deserve a little ridicule, but not the abuse heaped upon them here.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAs a side note, don't swing a dead cat. I tried it once, and the RSPCA are still complaining about it 8 years later. It's not worth the hassle.
Well, on the internet, it can be pretty difficult to swing a proverbial dead cat without hitting a complete nutjob. Most of them get banned from the forums they pollute eventually, but if you're on a forum long enough, you'll see them. Since this is about the internet, it's valid.
"They're just theories with less evidence to support them than the evidence to support the idea that there was no conspiracy" ...No. I know people really hate it when word usage is corrected on the internet, but a theory with "less evidence" is no theory at all. By definition, a theory is a model backed up by evidence. The word has been thoroughly bastardized, but the term you're looking for is "unproven hypothesis." Folks who blindly follow religion or conspiracies are following unproven hypotheses. This doesn't make them stupid, necessarily, just means they lack critical thinking skills when it comes to certain things.
I think conspiracy theorists are just people who are horribly bored and are trying to make things up to entertain themselves. Since the internet is where bored people hang out, that is probably why you see so many.
"but a theory with "less evidence" is no theory at all. By definition, a theory is a model backed up by evidence. The word has been thoroughly bastardized, but the term you're looking for is "unproven hypothesis."
NeuroFire, I'm not saying you're wrong. You obviously know more about this than me. I'm just curious. However, I didn't say they had "No evidence." The word I used was "Less." Surley this makes it a theory according to your definition? Also, if what you claim is true, then what's the differance between a "Theory" and a "Fact"?
Things are VERY different outside the UK.
I think "We The People" is a good idea. Out of the countless idiotic petitions there may be a few legitimate "petitions" that actually bring attention to an issue that can and needs to be addressed.
ReplyAlso, didn't find this article funny. Just condescending.
"Condescending" is definitely the right word for it.
While these people are definitely a few bricks shy of a load, making fun of them would be more effective than taking them seriously enough to be condescending. I doubt they have much sense of humor and I bet you could troll the dickens out of them.
A basic problem with these conspiracy types is that there is no proof you can present them with that will change their minds. They will always find some arcane argument that invalidates what everyone else will see as definitive proof that their theory is just plain stupid.
I'm not saying that every theory that goes against what is otherwise a consensus is bogus. I have my own doubts about the official story of the assassination of RFK. But that the photos of men on the moon were faked? Give me a break.
I can honestly say that I didn't like this article; and considering the time I've spent on Cracked, that's a first. I don't know if it's the overall tone, or possibly the scrolling through the below comments and seeing the same four names deriding posts that didn't agree with every point in this article. Oh well, can't win everyone over.
ReplyHilarious. Love how you tear the conspiracy loons a new one. So sick and tired of hearing 9/11 conspiracies, fake moon landings, and all the rest of the idiocy. Thank God those people don't matter and never will. Otherwise, we'd be in deep shit.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesYeah I'm also sick of hearing things I never research and don't understand, fight the power brother. Those stupid conspiracy nuts, the same type of crazy people claiming hitler had camps where he was slaughtering innocent people. It's just crazy, governments and corporations never do bad things in real life.
@derelix
Your post contains exactly the type of logic I would expect out of a conspiracy loon.
The concentration camps had valid evidence and were eventually PROVEN. Get back to me when the truther movement finally discovers a single piece of credible evidence... you know, something that hasn't been debunked to hell and back. I love how you have deluded yourself into believing that you have done "research". No, watching youtube videos with ominous music in the background is not research.
No one said that governments and corporations never do bad things. That's a textbook strawman fallacy (a typical conspiracy loon tactic).
Crap like that is why I have nothing but contempt for your kind.
Hmm...given it's usually the conspiracy nuts saying the Holocaust never happened...
Indeed. Unless the aliens start leaving warehouses full of shoes behind, I don't think it will be proven any time soon.
this article made me laugh more than most on this site; your sense of humor is right up my alley. I will have to look for your articles in the future, Luke McKinney
Reply"The law is less enforceable than the three-second rule on the International Space Station." and "Internet petitions are a less effective form of protest than punching the pillow you're crying into." Gotta love those analogies.
Reply"*ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Guarantee insane political comments in the lead sentence."
ReplyLead sentence? I thought the title was enough to unlock that achievement!
Is it just me or did this article feel really condescending? Not in the normal Cracked funny way, more the "I actually think I'm better than you" way
ReplyI'm willing to bet all his investments are with Pfizer and Marlboro, based on what's said between the lines.
I don't blame him. Conspiracy theorists are just despicable people.
Everyone deserves good and beauty in lives. A perfect place to provide you with this:---casualchats.c-0-m---. it's catering to people who want to meet like-minded types for no-strings-attached fun. You wanna get laid tonight? Come in and give it a shot, you will find someone you like there. Have fun! ^_^
ReplyYou don't diserve any good or beauty.
The section on E-cigarettes was disappointing. I mean, no s**t the government wants to keep them off the market. Obviously, the tobacco industry would prefer you to continue smoking their more-expensive (in the long run) cancer sticks, and their lobbyists pay the government lots and lots of money to keep regulations the way they are. Every long-term smoker I met who switched to E-cigarettes saved money and is now physically healthy. They're still addicted to the nicotine, of course, but their lungs aren't black.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesYou're an idiot. They're now physically healthy? Their lungs aren't black? So the e-cigarette smoke is erasing the damage done by conventional cigarettes? That's not how it works, I'm afraid. My mom quit smoking 14 years before she died of smoking related diseases. Quit - not switched to another form of putting toxins in her body.
You really think they're any more dangerous than conventional cigarettes? Why would our fair and balanced leaders be treating them more severely if they were not being given big wads of cash? I'm not saying E-cigarette users aren't still slaves to nicotine, but they also aren't inhaling fire.
actually youlostme. The amount of damage done is proportional to the amount of time you smoke. If you quit, the longer you smoked, the longer it takes for you risk to decrease to that of the non-smoking population. I am very sorry to hear about your mother, but you are right the damage was done, however, if you quit soon enough (which is rare) your risk eventually becomes the same as everyone else for SOME (not all) smoking related diseases (assuming the disease has not already manifest like emphysema which does not go away). So in a sense, yes it kinda does work that way. That being said, you have to actually stop putting the toxins in your body for that to work, and e cigs don't fit the bill since they essentially have tobacco toxins in them and will probably still give you cancer. The only up side I can see is less second hand smoke which DOES also cause many diseases including cancer. btw, before ppl go flaming me, YES I am a doctor, no i don't give a s**t if you believe that, and yes everything I just said is true.
youlostme, people who have never smoked have also died from "smoking related illnesses" and btw the fact that you think E cigs emit "smoke" proves you don't know what you are talking about.
ashleighallen: "Yes I'm a doctor and no I don't give a s**t if you believe it and even though my claims are unfounded they are completely true cus I'm a doctor"
Yup, you sound like a real doctor alright.
Seriously, not saying I disagree with you just pointing out that a REAL DOCTOR would understand it's not proven fact, just speculation based on patterns.
I actually just Wikied e-cigs because I had never even heard of them before, and there is actually a lot of toxic stuff in the ones the FDA tested. Not saying that is necessarily true of all e-cigs; but you are either putting stuff in your body that has been proven to be harmful, or you are taking a straight up gamble.
@derelix - So said the guy who was channelling Adolf Hitler a few posts above...
Marx against democracy? That kind of logic comes from the type of person who knows nothing more about Marx except "HE INVENTED COMMUNISM" and "knows" that COMMUNISM=USSR/CHINA/DPRK. All the logic. All of it.
ReplyCome visit Thailand, home of the underage ladyboy prostitutes with poisonous nipples!
ReplyI did. Last week.
Also, giant stingrays!
"Catalizer" is the European spelling you dim wit...
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesSpelling dosen't change the fact that his machine is probably a pipe bomb, assuming it actually does anything.
It's the European spelling on a petition targeted at the Obama Administration. The Obama Administration is not located in Europe. It's located in ANOTHER part of the world.
In which European language is "Catalizer" supposedly a valid spelling?
"Catalyzer" is "catalyseur" in French, "Katalysator" in German, "catalizador" in Spanish, catalizzatore in Italian ...
"To catalyze" is catalyser in French, catalizar in Spanish, katalysieren in German, "catalizzare in Italian, ...
Oh, maybe there's an actual language called "European", and I'm failing to find it because it's hidden from Google and other search engines, and known only to initiates such as yourself. Is that where I'm going wrong?
apparently you are the dim wit because no where in Europe is catalizer the proper spelling. In England (the "European" I am guessing you were referring to) it is catalyzer with a y. Also, Spookty is right, in what part of Europe is Obama president?
^If it's part of the free world, Obama is President of it.
"Though to be fair, "belief = proof" is the exact argument millions of other Americans use to justify beings in the sky."
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesBest line.
Yes you know how religious people are always claiming god is proven. You know, except the majority that admit they take it on faith not proof.
Can you prove to me stars exist? Pictures, photoshop. Eye witnesses? They were probably on drugs or have psychological problems. Science text books? Oh so you believe everything you read in old books?
Yeah it goes both ways dimwit.
all he said was he liked that line... jeez
No, I cannot "prove" that stars exists, but then, I don't really have to do that. Science doesn't "prove" anything and present the best possible explanation based upon *evidence" observed.
That's a fifth-grade explanation, but then, this s**t is taught to fifth graders.
Soooo everyone thats ever looked into the sky night or day is probably on drugs or has psychological problems? Because they've all seen a star. And its shocking I know but pictures of stars exist from before photoshop! And I believe the things I read in New (not a fair few hundred years old) science textbooks because they're what experiments have shown to be the most logical explanation. But yeah it definitely goes both ways.
Oh for the love of... okay, science involves tests which are repeatable and consistent. Allow me:
Joe: "Holy hell, Bob! I was just outside at night and saw a million little points of light in the sky!"
Bob: "Really? s**t dang, let me see!"
(they go outside)
Bob: "Wow! You were right!"
...
Clyde: "Check it out, Angus -- if I chant this magic word and kill this here goat like so, your lupus will be forever cured!"
Angus: "That's incredible, Clyde. Please show me."
(chant, kill, lupus vanishes)
Angus: "I feel so much better."
One of these exchanges works literally EVERY SINGLE TIME, and the other doesn't work AT ALL. It doesn't go both ways. Sadly, science isn't bisexual.
Proving once again, as if it needed any more proof, that government + internet = Hilarious Fail.
Replyalso, the line about the attempt to "prove that a few people in the government knew what an Internet was" made me roll.
but hey, at least they know it's not a truck. and that it has the google.