5 Online Petitions That Prove Democracy is Broken
The White House has set up a petition site for Internet commenters, which is weird, because it's usually in favor of democracy.* "We the People" lets random users make demands of the government. YouTube comments already provide more convincing arguments against democracy than Marx and Mao combined. After all, the person asking Yahoo Answers "How is babby formed?" doesn't just have the same number of votes as you -- they and their accidental offspring have at least five times as many.*ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Guarantee insane political comments in the lead sentence.Now that the government has given democracy itself a comment section, let's see what the Internet is doing with it, shall we?"Show Us the Aliens"
NOTE:Petitions are notoriously wordy because idiots think talking longer makes a stronger argument. Links to the full text are provided below each image.
It's obvious that there's life somewhere else in the universe (especially since
"If I told you that you could ride it into space, would you look at the pictures of it?"
Yes, these are people on the cutting edge of information technology.
Energy "Catalizer"
The petition is written in the third person, but there hasn't been an unlikelier third person since Adam and Eve's wacky alien gardener, Zorblu. This isn't Rossi's first try at sock-puppeting: His blog features comments from documentary makers, international think-tank executives, global business clients and probably a few wizards begging to buy this amazing product. It's less convincing than a teenager renaming his right hand "girlfriend from Canada." And while we can't say for sure that Andrea Rossi
These rubes don't know a thing about fusion.
"As long as it's not clogged with hair, it generates free energy."
I HAVE THE THERMODYNAMICS-VIOLATING POWER!
Evil Corporate Cure Conspiracy
The idea that corporations are hiding a cure for cancer is popular with paranoid lunatics who don't understand science, medicine, patents or profit.
"What are you idiots saying now?"
Spamming the White House
The entire Internet is choking on spam, and this petition proves that government projects are no exception. When Skynet comes online and decides to kill us, we'll be fine -- by the time it digs through all the Viagra ads to get at the nuclear launch codes, spam bots will have evolved and be targeting it with ads screaming "GET A BIGGER HARD DRIVE NOW!" Also, we like the idea of the White House getting mail from a Nigerian prince, and Barack Obama resisting the urge to write back explaining he's the American president.
Dear Nigerian royalty, thank you for your mail, and for being more reasonable and believable than people I have to work with on a daily basis.
Thailand being well known for things you can safely put in your mouth.
Internet Users Are Better Than Other People!
Internet users are often more ridiculously entitled than Capo del Governo Duce del Fascismo e Fondatore dell'Impero Sua Eccellenza Mussolini. But not as likable. And they've been submitting petitions that make monitors refresh at the exact frequency of whine. We know this is a long one, but imagine you actually had something to do (like running the country) and still had to wade through such bullshit:
Syllabus of Internet Whining 101, aka the Full Text, here
"In the wake of the recent laser strike, the relocated U.S. government acknowledges that modern warfare does indeed 'rule.'"
"I'm sure glad GearsFag333 reminded me I could do this!"
Luke McKinney also defends democracy from idiots with John McClane in the Greatest Movie Drinking Games Ever. He also tumbles and has a website.
You can also read 5 Reasons Humanity Is Terrible at Democracy, or see what would happen If White House Press Briefings Were Honest.