4 More Things You Love to Discuss that No One Cares About
About nine months ago, I wrote about things everyone loves to discuss (that no one actually wants to hear about). Since then, I've noticed and been told several great additions, enough to warrant this sequel. Just a few more things we all need to shut the hell up about.
To be clear, my utopia isn't a world where everyone shuts up about everything. I certainly don't want to give off the impression that all personal stories are bad. Some are great. Stories about terrible jobs or bad dates are almost always terrific (when I was 17, I went on a double date that was going so poorly, I took out my wallet, pretended it was a cell phone, faked an emergency phone call and left the date before it was through. I drove away so fast that I got pulled over for speeding. Truth Fact). But these aren't the interesting stories. These are the "storyteller has completely lost objectivity" stories.
Before getting into it, I'd like to preface this column by saying that, with the exception of #4, I am guilty of talking too much about every single one of these topics because I, just like you, would do well to entertain the prospect of shutting the hell up, a lot more often.
#4. Ghost Stories
In your mind:
You don't normally buy into the whole "supernatural" thing, but you are, without a doubt, positive that your apartment is haunted. The spirit of a long-dead human has unfinished business and is now confined to your apartment, bound by otherworldly forces, until its business can be completed and it can finally move on. This ghost, plagued by infinite torture, manifests itself by making noises while you're trying to sleep, moving your stuff around when you're not looking and other various bits of vague, spooky business.
You don't know why, but you feel responsible for this ghost, like you need to somehow help it advance to the other side. Further, you feel even more responsible to tell everyone about it. Also, you're probably a chick.
I mean no judgment, there. I'm just pointing it out, because every single person who has ever tried to convince me that their house, apartment, car or workplace was haunted has, without exception, been a woman. Just a weird thing I noticed, chicks hate ghosts.
In everyone else's mind:
Ghosts aren't real. Ghosts aren't real. Ghosts aren't real. Hey, real quick, are ghosts real? No, man, they're not.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just getting older, and crankier. Maybe the fun of ghost stories is just imagining that they could be real and maybe that part of my imagination has died. Maybe I'm losing all of the magic that used to be in my heart, and that's what's keeping me from embracing the fantasy of ghost stories, of really letting go and believing in something based purely on faith. Or maybe ghosts aren't real and ghosts aren't real, and "No," because ghosts aren't real.
Every ghost story I've heard sounds almost exactly like this: "I never thought ghosts existed, but then my boyfriend and I moved to this new apartment, and at night, I swear, I heard someone walking around. But there wasn't anyone there! And in the morning, I'm pretty sure our trashcan was out of place, slightly. Anyway, we're probably going to have to move, now." Or "I was hanging out with my sister when the lights flicked off for NO REASON and I swear, I mean, I swear I felt something move through me. Like, I felt it. Boom: Ghosted." No one dies, or changes or has sex, and nothing explodes, nothing in our observable reality changes in any kind of fundamental way, and no lessons are learned. Those are bad stories, but people assume that the fact that they believe their ghost was real is enough to make up for an otherwise boring story about background noises.
It's because ghosts aren't real that ghost stories are always boring. As the listener, you know that the story you're hearing isn't actually about ghosts. Whatever sound the storyteller heard is just the house settling. It's OK that the lights flickered on and off in her house, because that's a thing that lights do, occasionally. The ghost that she felt move through her body was either a cold breeze or her own nerves, playing tricks.
When you remove the supernatural aspect, it's just a story about someone's imagination, except not the exciting parts of an imagination. If people told ghost stories just as an excuse to tell an interesting story, I'd like to think I'd be on board, because I like interesting stories. But no "real" ghost story that I've ever heard has ever been interesting; the thesis of every ghost story is "there was a ghost this one time," and never "there was a ghost that did a WICKED FLIP ON A MOTORCYCLE!"
#3. Off The Cuff Insults You've Made
In your mind:
You were out at a party last night, and someone mocked you, and you came right back instantly with a wicked zinger that really put him in his place. The rest of the party instantly froze in awe of your inimitable joke craftsmanship. Your joke was so sharp and biting, your delivery so effortless, it must have been pre-planned, but of course it couldn't have been. That's the beauty. Your quip was perfect, quick and deadly, like a shark, and it rendered your trash-talking opponent speechless, like a shark that only eats tongues. He stood there, red-faced and stammering, bewildered by both the speed of your attack and the intensity with which it burned. Guys like him will conjure up some good comeback hours later, once they've had time to think on it. But not you. You're a quick-drawing comedic sniper letting out headshots from 50 miles away in the blink of an eye. A King of the Party was crowned that night, and his name was You.
In everyone else's mind:
It's not that night anymore, and we refuse to acknowledge your authority as king.
Coming up with a sweet comeback off the top of your head is the quintessential Had-To-Be-There moment. Inventing the perfect and appropriate quip can feel like magic sometimes. It's like being in the "zone" in baseball, where you see the pitch in slow motion and you know just what to do to hit a home run and make it look effortless in front of a crowd of people that you know will be absolutely awestruck. You feel like some kind of adlibbing savant, a joke machine programmed only for swift destruction.
The problem is that no one can really grasp how impressive your speed was when you retell the story later. It doesn't even need to be a comeback that you're describing; you'll have the same problem telling really any story about a funny, spontaneous joke. With those jokes, it's all about timing. The people around to hear the birth of the joke will love you forever, but you're starting a story with "So this one time, I told this joke at this party and it KILLED because of how quick it was, here let me tell you," which is time-cancer, (comedically speaking).
heehee, funny, my husband does #4 all the time.... he is supposedly a militant atheist, even thinks Christmas is stupid bs, but he always talks about that old lady ghost who leaned over him while he was, like, LAYING IN BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. LOL, no, of course he couldn't possibly have been dreaming, it was totally a ghost, man! Also the door rattling, and his dogs seeming "nervous" one day. Had to be a ghost. No other explanation is empirically possible. Dreaming? The wind? Hallucinations? Stupid f*****g animals? Nope! GHOSTS! lol. Sorry, I'm not a big enough jerk to talk to him like that, so you guys get it.
Replythe link says "5 more things", how come there are only 4?!
ReplyI think the last entry SHOULD be read by the writers reading this article. It's awesomeist advice. Also, I think whenever you're describing the ultimate unwritten novel, it's better to start off with the ideas/themes instead of going headlong crazy into the plot. Because those raw ideas can work out in a conversation, plus, it gives you an idea of how people respond to those ideas...
Replywait... fine okay, i'll just shut up and listen to that advice. no one really cares about that. :(
Kicking ideas around in a convo can actually make ideas better, break writer's block, and just be fun. But the other folk in the group have to *care*. That's why we can kick ideas around for hours in my online IF group, but bringing up the same topic anywhere else brings the equivalent of, 'That's nice. Let's talk about something else.'
什么是四字短语“yuhijoc becifa oqopi oziluru aviquq”? *
ReplyAs far as the ghost thing, I don't believe in them either. Except for the three that I've experienced. I will now shut the hell up about it, just to prove that it can done!
ReplyAs a writer myself, one who actually, you know, writes (imagine that), I could actually relate to this last one, Daniel. One caveat: just because someone has written something on paper doesn't necessarily mean reading it will be fun and worthwhile. The last so-called screenplay I read was written by an amateur who thinks he's the next Tarantino, but in reality only has the writing skills of a turnip. Reservoir Dogs, it wasn't, not by a long shot. It read more like an ingredients list for homemade shitpie. Bad writers who smugly hand you a sheaf of papers (so that you can be blown away by their, ahem, skills), can be much, much scarier to talk to than talented ones who are just kicking around ideas. Just sayin'.
ReplyYou are awesome for mentioning Angel
Reply...am I the only one who wants to read this screenplay?
Replybut ghost stories in my country is awesome cos everyone believe in ghost. everyone.
ReplyYou and everyone else in Potsylvania, dude. Give my best to Boris and Natasha!
I hate when people start going on and on and World of Warcraft. I used to play, but when a few of my buddies get into their theory crafting mode, my brains start to leak out my ears..
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replieswhich is more a "hobbies you don't care about" than WoW specifically. I do the same thing when my dad starts to talk about airplanes..
lol, ya warcraft is one of those things that ONLY other people who play it want to talk about it. Everyone else both has no idea what you're talking about and couldn't give less of a s**t either.
My boyfriend and his friends to the life. Fortunately, my boyfriend is much more of a social player, unlike his friend Joe, who, I think, only spends time with his girlfriend when they're asleep, he spends so much time on WoW. But hearing them talk about upgrades, or whatever (?) and servers and stuff, I just wander away and wait, because I know it will be awile.
I get the same way when my Magic playing friends talk about their SUPER AWESOME DECKS WITH ANGEL RHINOCERES' or something. I think it's really fantastic that you aren't affected by dark attacks or whatever, but I have no idea what the f**k you're talking about.
You know what else nobody wants to hear? This stupid f*****g article, THIS GUY SHOULD GET AIDS AND DIE!
Reply/Trolling.
Yes, but you were talking only about insults that rely completely on timing. If your off the cuff insult was still pretty funny, then by all means you should tell it.
ReplyHow can you be absolutely certain that ghosts aren't real? I mean, yeah, it seems kinda lame, but you don't KNOW...
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesTrue, it hasn't been proven that ghosts aren't real. Because they are a creation of fantasy, so there is nothing concrete to disprove. Hmm, what debate does that remind me of...
your talking about the elves right? those damn cookie making elves...
It is scientifically impossible to prove that anything does NOT exist, so I don't think people will ever shut up about ghosts. Or bigfoot for that matter, or God....
Maybe its because im not a complete douche, but i enjoy hearing good stories related to either of these from people. As long as it isnt self centered and conceited...
ReplyGood Lord, is number one what I sound like? No wonder I don't have any friends.
Replyhahahah! ahh..but at least that comment was funny..
Ha! Self-deprication FTW!
Somebody else may have covered it, I didn't read all the comments, but I can't believe you've written two of these and haven't mentioned tattoos and/or piercings. This being one of the ulimate forms of "Hey, look at me" behavior, people who have tats and piercings love to talk about them, why they got them, what they mean, how much pain they had to endure to get them, etc., completely oblivious to the fact that those of us who don't have them couldn't care less. The exception, of course, being that if that person happens to be a hot chick, I can fake interest if it will help get me laid.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesMost people who see my tattoo ask me what it means, and in that case I'll tell them and answer any questions they might have about the process. Same with the piercings. I don't offer up random tattoo information out of the blue. Anybody who does is probably a pathetic loser with self-esteem issues, and either got their ink done for an extremely pathetic reason or no reason at all.
same.. I don't offer unless we're already talking about tats, or someone happens to see mine and asks about it...which is rare, because i keep it covered.
ditto, in fact most the people I know who have tats (which, in the music business, is a lot) there are not a lot of people who will just not stop f*****g talking about their tattoo. Most people are pretty reserved.
Yeahhhh I call bullshit. Nothing annoys me more than random strangers asking about my body art, especially my facial tat. I did these things for me, and people assume they can just approach me and start up a conversation because it's visible.
I think I should start walking up to women with children and ask "So, how far did you dilate? Did you tear? Oh, sorry, is that your PERSONAL SPACE I'm invading?"
I have a tattoo that says "Endure". What a coincidence
for me, the bigger problem has been other people will not shut the f**k up about my tattoos. I don't care. I've had total strangers walk up to me and lift up my shirt (and I'm a girl, btw) so they can "see more." So it's more like "no one cares about what you think of other people's tattoos."
One of my favorites is when my younger brother goes on and on for ten to fifteen minutes talking about some preparation method used for pot.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYeah, I get that if you extract the THC and smoke the "ear wax" in a crack pipe it will get you high as fuck. The stuff gives me panic attacks and so I'm really not into learning about ways to make those experiences STRONGER, remember?
oh sweet jesus, anytime a pothead starts talking about pot I lose all sense of human empathy.
The only thing many potheads seem to be capable of talking about is pot. The only things they seem to buy are pot-related. The only people they hang out with are other potheads. The only message boards they post on are marijuana boards. The only advocacy work they do is pro-legalization advocacy. The only graffiti they draw is pro-pot graffiti. The only art they make is pot art.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm sure there's casual pot users not like that stereotype. But holy hell, the ones that conform to it *really* conform to it.
Wow, what pot smokers do you guys know? I smoke it, and so do some of my friends, but not all of them...And none of us talk about it except to other people who smoke. The extent of which is usually "Dude, this s**t is good, smoke it."
I'm a writer, and #1 tends to be a bad idea for me. If I tell people about a story I have in my head, my head starts to think I've actually written so that, instead of inspiring myself to write the actual story, I've just gone and killed the inspiration. It kinda sucks really, but good to know.
Reply#1 pisses me off horribly. I'm a writer, but I don't pretend to have the next Harry Potter or Catcher in the Rye in my head. Even more so, I find when people constantly rattle about how great their idea for a novel/play/fanfiction is, they usually will never write it. Plus, I don't talk freely because I don't want someone stealing my ideas (but that's moot to someone who will never produce anything).
ReplyYou're not "a writer," you write things, huge difference number one.
Number two, why would you be pissed off? According to your conceited "wit" and enormous head, you're doing exactly what they said is okay.
Holy pretentious batman!!
You're right, Nina: there's no such thing as a 'writer'; there are only people who write things. Why are you trolling?
I have the exact opposite as #2. I lost a bunch of weight and now all my co-workers want to know what my secret is. It was flattering at first but got obnoxious pretty fast.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThis. I'm a vegetarian and purposely discreet about it, but at gatherings it never fails that one of my friends will bring it up and I have to defend myself to a*****e strangers for 45 minutes.
Nocturnesthesia, I know what you mean... Every time the subject of not eating meat comes up, I feel so uncomfortable. I mean, I like when people are individually interested and want to genuinely learn about it, but when I'm around a bunch of people who would never in their lives even consider understanding the concept of vegetarianism, they just make me feel like I have three heads or something. I just want to scream at them "you can continue to eat all of that garbage but don't make me feel bad because I want to change"
I usually got out of that by saying "Meh, don't like the taste. So, how's work?"