Nicolas Cage: A Career In (Baffling) Pictures
Consider Nicolas Cage.
Any Nicolas Cage. Ghost Rider Nicolas Cage. Fancy Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage in a wifebeater. It doesn't matter which one. Nicolas Cage with a mustache.
As you'll soon see, no matter which Nicolas Cage you choose for this particular experiment, the outcome will remain the same.
Do you have your Nicolas Cage? You do? Good.
(It's mustache Nicolas Cage, isn't it?)
I caught the trailer to Nicolas Cage's next movie, Knowing, the other day, and I've reposted it below.
There's nothing too remarkable about this movie on its surface (well, apart from Nicolas Cage's absurdly boastful claim to his son that he's going to make sure he never lets his son die. Not to doubt your parenting skills, but telling your child that he's never going to die is a lie, no matter how you spin it). The trailer is otherwise a typical modern action-thriller. To be fair, I watched it with the sound off and while also watching something else on television, but I caught enough to conclude that it's a movie about Nicolas Cage saving, solving or destroying the world using math.
I watched the trailer and evaluated the different circumstances that would be required for me to watch that movie. I concluded that:
A) I would never pay a dime to see that movie.
B) I would never actively pursue that movie, nor rearrange my schedule in any way to catch it.
C) If it came on television somewhere down the line (probably TNT), I would watch some of it if and only if I didn't have any new movies, it was too late to go out and House wasn't on.
I felt safe in this conclusion because, since House is rarely not on, it seemed unlikely that I would ever see Knowing, and I decided that if I died having never seen Knowing, I could easily consider it a life well lived. Reaching this conclusion brought on a startlingly realization: I had the exact same brief mental conversation for all of the Nicolas Cage movies that existed in my immediate memory. Sure, I know he did some earlier stuff that maybe wasn't terrible, but it became immediately apparent that for maybe the last 10 or 15 years, Nicolas Cage has made the same movie over and over again.
You may not believe me, but I want you to consider these scenes, and try to guess which Nicolas Cage movie is depicted:
Got it? Come on, think about all of the Nicolas Cage movies you've seen. This is the one where he's got that grey t-shirt and the jacket, and the longish, awkward hair, and he looks intense and does a whole lot of running. I mean, it would have to be a whole lot of running, because he's clearly running in the daytime and the nighttime, so to suggest he's been running steadily for several hours.
Which movie, of this versatile actor, are those scenes from? Well, here's what got me:
They're two different fucking movies.
You still might think that's unremarkable. "No big deal," you're probably thinking. "So they're from National Treasure 1 and 2. No mystery, they're sequels." Which is understandable. After all, I could probably throw up three or four pictures of Indiana Jones from any of his four movies running or whipping something and it wouldn't cause a stir; he's playing the same character, so the similarities are intentional. Nothing shocking, it's a sequel.
But you're wrong again. The one on our left is from Knowing, his new one, and the one on our right is from Next, which is like Knowing except I think they play with time instead of math. Still, you might think I'm making too big a deal out of two vaguely similar photos, but take a closer look. It's not just about Nicolas Cage running that hits me. Look at the picture again. Really drink it up.
See that? It's the clothes, yes, and the hair. The look of intensity. And it's the right leg up. The near identical positions of the arms. The fact that his jacket is blowing in the wind with the exact same intensity in each picture. How does something like that even happen? He's even going to the same destination in two different movies. One more time, with my notes now.
This might not be mind-blowing to you. There's a slight chance that I'm a little bit obsessed with Nicolas Cage. Okay, there's more than a slight chance, because it's clear that I sat around, watching a ton of Nicolas Cage movies searching for patterns, as if I was perversely recreating what I think is the plot from Knowing. So, yes, maybe I'm a tad obsessed with trying to find what makes this wide-eyed maniac tick.
I just feel like he did great work in, for example, Adaptaion, and then he took all of his ability and focused on making one movie for, I guess, the rest of his career. Which would be okay, except the movie he keeps making sucks. I'm sick of seeing it: He's in a race against time, he needs to get to the truth, nobody believes him, some explosions happen and he's extremely intense. Also, something will happen at one point that will necessitate his having a flashlight.
I don't know what the moral of this story is. I suppose it could be "Don't see Knowing, because you already did except it was called Snake Eyes, and instead of the end of the world, it was a boxing match, and instead of numbers being the answer, it was Gary Sinise." That sure as hell doesn't sound like a moral. Maybe there is no moral.
Regardless, all of the photo research that this article required brought me to my new favorite game that I'd love to share with you. It's called "Nicolas Cage." Unlike my associate, Gladstone's game, this one isn't complicated or Facebook-related (also, it's fun).
Here's how you play:
Step 1: Get a screengrab from a Nicolas Cage movie. Doesn't matter what movie or how much facial hair Nicolas Cage has.
Step 2: Think of a line of dialogue, [Two Sentence Maximum] for Nicolas Cage. This line must, in your opinion (A) sum up the movie and (B) be just retarded enough that it might actually be a real line from a Nicolas Cage film.
Step 3: Superimpose that line over the picture.
Step 4: That is the entire game.
Nicolas Cage: The Game, might not sound fun at first.
But I gotta tell you, I had a blast. First of all, images of Nicolas Cage acting are inherently hilarious. Everyone knows that.
And it's even more fun when you add in the adventure of summing up the movie in a maximum of two sentences. If the movies were any good, this should really be a challenge, but I realized early on that it's nowhere near as difficult as it should be.
See?
I've just shown and told you everything you will ever need to know about the movie Face/Off. Bam. I could shorten Nicolas Cage's entire career to a few pictures and, like, 100 words, and that's a pretty liberal estimation.
Congrats, you've just seen The Wicker Man. I could literally do this shit all day. And, if you find some spare time, grab a picture of Nicolas Cage, add some friggin' words, and post a link below If I like it, I'll add it to this page [spoiler alert: I will definitely like it].
By Alex
By Andy
By Johanas
By Dan
[Hilarious to me because I have no idea what movie this is and Nicolas Cage is clearly covered in vomit or poop or something.--DOB.]
By David
By Steven
By Paul
By Count Baqula
[Works for me because, as Baq pointed out, the line is equally applicable to his film career.--DOB]
By Ish
By Navonod
By Ariel
[Was Nicolas Cage a vampire in something?? That's terrific! --DOB]
By Christian
By Corbin
By Steven O.
Anthony
[What fucking movie is this? His costume looks straight outta local theater, this is absurd.--DOB]
By Chris
By Thomas
[Author requests you read this out loud through clenched teeth.--DOB]
By Pat
By Alejandro
[ Those two above Wicker Man posters came in at almost the exact time from two different people. How fucking awesome is that? When people are told to summarize Wicker Man, they independently come to the conclusion that being dressed as a bear and punching women was the only thing that happened. I think this might be the most important work I've ever done. -- DOB]
By Danjer047
By Bishopwhitet
By Nick
By Kingmonkey
By Heather
By Chromigula
By Dillon
By Swaim!
By Cracked Super Intern Randall!
By Mel
By CRACKED Writer Jeff Kelly!
By Brian
[I think the best thing is that we all clearly have no idea what Captain Corelli's Magical Mystery Mandolin was actually about. --DOB]
By Boonehams
By Raffles
By Eric
By Matt
By Jeff Kelly Again!
[Man, look at the face of the guy who isn't Nicolas Cage. He's totally thinking "You're right, I DO talk like the wind." Look at how appreciated he feels --DOB]
By TC
By Matthew
By John
By Chris
By Shawn
By Jennie
[Things I love about this one: a) Cage is clearly struggling to understand this very simple concept. b) A chick made this one. Hot.--DOB]
By Jeff Kelly Again!
By Cracked Writer Malcolm Christiansen!
By DOB
By Eric M.
By Justin
By Randy
By StillHonest
By Boonehams again
This trilogy by Malcolm Christiansen is incredible.
By Robert Brockway!
By Malcolm again!
By Peter
[Not technically following the rules, but I love this one because the idea that Nicolas Cage has as hard a time as we do figuring out which of his movies is which is hilarious to me.--DOB]
By Stephanie
By Sawyer
By Dan R.
By Quagmar.
SUPER UPDATE: I've received over 250 pictures of Nicolas Cage in my inbox and I am officially burnt out. We're still playing Nicolas Cage in the Forums, but I won't be posting anymore here.
For now. This game is addicting.
As a profesional article critic i deem this to be the worst article in history, an absolute piece of s**t that falls way way way below my high standards
Reply"watch it, ghost. I'll ride you."
ReplyAWESOMEST. LINE. EVER.
"Gimme back my face! No!" Ha ha. That's the perfect summary of Face Off.
ReplyI love Brockway's entry because it seems to imply that Nic Cage stole a girl's bike at gunpoint, then almost IMMEDIATELY found himself in a bee-helmet. And also because it shows that neither Brockway nor Cage himself have any idea what the film is about.
ReplyI wish Cage weren't always in such terrible movies. I think he's actually a good actor (unusual, yes).
ReplyDespite not doing the proper research, using single sources without confirmation, and writing a disparaging article BEFORE interviews with CCSVI physicians had been done, The Winnipeg Free Press decided that headline grabbing was preferential to printing a balanced and truthful front page article in the Saturday edition. It’s a matter of record that junior reporter Melissa Martin was tweeting that she had written an expose of CCSVI Clinic, before she had even interviewed the researcher involved with a study that CCSVI Clinic is co-sponsoring on safe and effective aftercare protocol for the “liberation Procedure”. If the hypothesis is confirmed, this protocol could help to dramatically reduce the 50% rate of restenosis in MS patients who choose to obtain the procedure abroad.
Reply Hide All See All 18 RepliesInstead, The Winnipeg Free Press chose to attempt to create a scandal where none exists. The premise of the article maintained that clients of CCSVI Clinic are “pressured” through harassing phone calls and “multiple” mailings. In fact only one mailing that contains the clients results of their Doppler Ultrasound is ever sent out to every client and only one phone call is made by the nurse to the client to follow up and answer any questions they may have about their results. No further calls are made except where the patient requests help with some information or for requested help in navigating the system.
Fjola Davidson, one of CCSVI Clinic’s clients who will shortly be receiving the new extended aftercare protocol following venous angioplasty surgery , said in fact said that she intends to send a “scathing letter to the Winnipeg Free Press” and that it was she “who was pressuring CCSVI Clinic to get to Noble Hospital, not the other way around”. Another client, Robert Prior, had been researching the best place to have the procedure and said, “ Once I read and understood your aftercare protocol, it became the only logical and realistic option as far as I was concerned. The Free Press article is disgusting.”
In a late interview for this article, Doug Broeska, President of The CliniCard stated that the Free Press article is “disingenuous” and “false”. “I am not the spokesman for CCSVI Clinic, nor did I claim to be.” says Broeska. “She interviewed me for about four minutes and misquoted everything I said. The CliniCard does fulfillment for several clients using our medical record-keeping technology and I don’t presume to speak for those other clients either. Furthermore I know that Ms. Martin interviewed several other medical professionals actually involved with CCSVI Clinic and did not print what they had to say because it did not help to sensationalize her article. If the Winnipeg Free Press had printed anything close to the truth, they wouldn’t have had a story, let alone a headline, which is what the fabrication they printed was all about. I honestly don’t know how these people sleep at night.”
Attempts to blog supporting comments under the article online have not been successful for everyone who’s tried. Lisa Chapil, the Nurse Administrator for CCSVI Clinic had her comment severely censored to the point it totally lost its message. In the new age of ‘managed’ news stories, it seems that the only freedom of speech that The Winnipeg Free Press supports is its own. Because you cannot read her comments anywhere else, Ms Chapil’s comments about the Free Press article are as follows:
“There is a difference between responsible reporting and what Melissa Martin chose to write about the CCSVI Clinic in this article. She was in possession of factual information and doc*ments that put the CCSVI Clinic in a favorable light but chose to withhold the information she received from interviews with people knowledgeable about CCSVI Clinic that would have conflicted with her agenda to smear our reputation in order to sensationalize her story and grab a headline. At no time did anyone from the CCSVI Clinic pressure patients into going to India for the Liberation Procedure. She should have considered that the one single person who made that claim clearly had her own agenda because she was disheartened by the ‘borderline’ results of her Doppler ultrasound. We simply provide information to people about our lengthened hospital stay and enhanced aftercare program should a patient decide to have the procedure. You can’t pressure someone to make an important decision about their health and all of our literature clearly states that. These MS patients are more knowledgeable about the CCSVI condition and about the options for treatment than most physicians are. To suggest that they can be pressured into a decision to have the procedure done in India is ludicrous. Patients who have signed up to be part of our open-ended study on the safety and efficacy of an enhanced aftercare protocol to reduce the rate of re-stenosis versus having the procedure on an outpatient basis (which may be contributing to long term failure of the procedure) have done so to ensure that they are getting the best care possible and because they want to be part of the important work we are doing on behalf of MS patients.”
i gave up after 12 or so
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Way to f**king l;dr
I made it through half of the 1st paragraph.
I didn't even know comments could be this f*****g long. I thought it cut you off eventually.
tl;dr
Wow, I definitely should have read the comments before posting this.
What... eh... WHY IS THIS COMMENT?
You would hate twitter.
TL;DR...seriously didn't even make it past the first paragraph
f**k the MS patients and f**k you, wasted my time. Why is this god-damn clinic-related article doing in a Nic Cage article...
well i betcha the phillip k dick is alright. but whatever its funny to know that there so many ppl that love to laugh at how much they despise cage
Replylol the absolute best part of this is that DOB said, "Next, which is like knowing, except it plays with time instead of math." Sadly, Knowing ALSO plays with time, and is about -knowing what the future holds-. They ARE the exact same movie, even the tiny dissimilarity DOB pointed out isn't something different, it's actually their biggest similarity of all XD beautiful.
Reply[...] does not mean you can start running around and punching people in the face and making faces like THESE. I want you to do good Nic, ’cause I loved you in Wild at Heart, so just, you know, take [...]
ReplyCAGE is the fucking man!!!!
Reply[...] Yet more evidence that Nicolas Cage is just awful and everything he does sucks. [...]
ReplyFunniest damn thing I've ever seen. Laughed till I cried and all that shit. Nick Cage SUCKS.
Reply"Watch it, ghost. I'll ride you." Hahaha.
ReplyHahahahahahahahaha. I think this is one of the best articles ever. It gets funnier every time I read it.
ReplyYesssss!!! Okay, I just saw on Yahoo a pic of ol' Nick with a quote about him suing his lawyer or somebody who he thinks led him into financial ruin- I thought, no way, Cage. Clearly dude you did that all by yourself, at that point I plugged in the following search "why does nicholas cage look crazy now", and this came up!!! I am laughing so loud and hard the cat ran out the room. THIS IS THE BOMB. kah-pow.
Replythanks. ( :
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ReplyOMG this is amazing! Lol!
ReplyI absoultly love this game.
ReplyI want everyone one to reconize the comparison that Nicholas Cage is the Nikelback of movies!!!! Nikelback makes the same crapy song over and over and Nicholas Cage makes the same crapy movie over and over. Please spread this comparison along to everyone.
world of warcraft grinding gold...
ReplyWe have combined all the new info from Gamespy , 1UP and Worldofwar. net for your reading pleasure:...