Consider Nicolas Cage.
Any Nicolas Cage. Ghost Rider Nicolas Cage. Fancy Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage in a wifebeater. It doesn’t matter which one. Nicolas Cage with a mustache.
As you’ll soon see, no matter which Nicolas Cage you choose for this particular experiment, the outcome will remain the same.
Do you have your Nicolas Cage? You do? Good.
(It’s mustache Nicolas Cage, isn’t it?)
I caught the trailer to Nicolas Cage’s next movie, Knowing, the other day, and I’ve reposted it below.
There’s nothing too remarkable about this movie on its surface (well, apart from Nicolas Cage’s absurdly boastful claim to his son that he’s going to make sure he never lets his son die. Not to doubt your parenting skills, but telling your child that he’s never going to die is a lie, no matter how you spin it). The trailer is otherwise a typical modern action-thriller. To be fair, I watched it with the sound off and while also watching something else on television, but I caught enough to conclude that it’s a movie about Nicolas Cage saving, solving or destroying the world using math.
I watched the trailer and evaluated the different circumstances that would be required for me to watch that movie. I concluded that:
A) I would never pay a dime to see that movie.
B) I would never actively pursue that movie, nor rearrange my schedule in any way to catch it.
C) If it came on television somewhere down the line (probably TNT), I would watch some of it if and only if I didn’t have any new movies, it was too late to go out and House wasn’t on.
I felt safe in this conclusion because, since House is rarely not on, it seemed unlikely that I would ever see Knowing, and I decided that if I died having never seen Knowing, I could easily consider it a life well lived. Reaching this conclusion brought on a startlingly realization: I had the exact same brief mental conversation for all of the Nicolas Cage movies that existed in my immediate memory. Sure, I know he did some earlier stuff that maybe wasn’t terrible, but it became immediately apparent that for maybe the last 10 or 15 years, Nicolas Cage has made the same movie over and over again.
You may not believe me, but I want you to consider these scenes, and try to guess which Nicolas Cage movie is depicted:
Got it? Come on, think about all of the Nicolas Cage movies you’ve seen. This is the one where he’s got that grey t-shirt and the jacket, and the longish, awkward hair, and he looks intense and does a whole lot of running. I mean, it would have to be a whole lot of running, because he’s clearly running in the daytime and the nighttime, so to suggest he’s been running steadily for several hours.
Which movie, of this versatile actor, are those scenes from? Well, here’s what got me:
They’re two different fucking movies.
You still might think that’s unremarkable. “No big deal,” you’re probably thinking. “So they’re from National Treasure 1 and 2. No mystery, they’re sequels.” Which is understandable. After all, I could probably throw up three or four pictures of Indiana Jones from any of his four movies running or whipping something and it wouldn’t cause a stir; he’s playing the same character, so the similarities are intentional. Nothing shocking, it’s a sequel.
But you’re wrong again. The one on our left is from Knowing, his new one, and the one on our right is from Next, which is like Knowing except I think they play with time instead of math. Still, you might think I’m making too big a deal out of two vaguely similar photos, but take a closer look. It’s not just about Nicolas Cage running that hits me. Look at the picture again. Really drink it up.
See that? It’s the clothes, yes, and the hair. The look of intensity. And it’s the right leg up. The near identical positions of the arms. The fact that his jacket is blowing in the wind with the exact same intensity in each picture. How does something like that even happen? He’s even going to the same destination in two different movies. One more time, with my notes now.
This might not be mind-blowing to you. There’s a slight chance that I’m a little bit obsessed with Nicolas Cage. Okay, there’s more than a slight chance, because it’s clear that I sat around, watching a ton of Nicolas Cage movies searching for patterns, as if I was perversely recreating what I think is the plot from Knowing. So, yes, maybe I’m a tad obsessed with trying to find what makes this wide-eyed maniac tick.
I just feel like he did great work in, for example, Adaptaion, and then he took all of his ability and focused on making one movie for, I guess, the rest of his career. Which would be okay, except the movie he keeps making sucks. I’m sick of seeing it: He’s in a race against time, he needs to get to the truth, nobody believes him, some explosions happen and he’s extremely intense. Also, something will happen at one point that will necessitate his having a flashlight.
I don’t know what the moral of this story is. I suppose it could be “Don’t see Knowing, because you already did except it was called Snake Eyes, and instead of the end of the world, it was a boxing match, and instead of numbers being the answer, it was Gary Sinise.” That sure as hell doesn’t sound like a moral. Maybe there is no moral.
Regardless, all of the photo research that this article required brought me to my new favorite game that I’d love to share with you. It’s called “Nicolas Cage.” Unlike my associate, Gladstone’s game, this one isn’t complicated or Facebook-related (also, it’s fun).
Here’s how you play:
Step 1: Get a screengrab from a Nicolas Cage movie. Doesn’t matter what movie or how much facial hair Nicolas Cage has.
Step 2: Think of a line of dialogue, [Two Sentence Maximum] for Nicolas Cage. This line must, in your opinion (A) sum up the movie and (B) be just retarded enough that it might actually be a real line from a Nicolas Cage film.
Step 3: Superimpose that line over the picture.
Step 4: That is the entire game.
Nicolas Cage: The Game, might not sound fun at first.
But I gotta tell you, I had a blast. First of all, images of Nicolas Cage acting are inherently hilarious. Everyone knows that.
And it’s even more fun when you add in the adventure of summing up the movie in a maximum of two sentences. If the movies were any good, this should really be a challenge, but I realized early on that it’s nowhere near as difficult as it should be.
See?
I’ve just shown and told you everything you will ever need to know about the movie Face/Off. Bam. I could shorten Nicolas Cage’s entire career to a few pictures and, like, 100 words, and that’s a pretty liberal estimation.
Congrats, you’ve just seen The Wicker Man. I could literally do this shit all day. And, if you find some spare time, grab a picture of Nicolas Cage, add some friggin’ words, and post a link below If I like it, I’ll add it to this page [spoiler alert: I will definitely like it].
Edit:FUCK YES! I’m getting these emails faster than I can put them up. I’m posting (almost) every single one I receive. I don’t have a problem dedicated literally all of my day to this project.
By Alex
By Andy
By Johanas
By Dan
[Hilarious to me because I have no idea what movie this is and Nicolas Cage is clearly covered in vomit or poop or something.--DOB.]
By David
By Steven
By Paul
By Count Baqula
[Works for me because, as Baq pointed out, the line is equally applicable to his film career.--DOB]
By Ish
By Navonod
By Ariel
[Was Nicolas Cage a vampire in something?? That's terrific! --DOB]
By Christian
By Corbin
By Steven O.
Anthony
By Chris
By Thomas
[Author requests you read this out loud through clenched teeth.--DOB]
By Pat
By Alejandro
[ Those two above Wicker Man posters came in at almost the exact time from two different people. How fucking awesome is that? When people are told to summarize Wicker Man, they independently come to the conclusion that being dressed as a bear and punching women was the only thing that happened. I think this might be the most important work I've ever done. -- DOB]
By Danjer047
By Bishopwhitet
By Nick
By Kingmonkey
By Heather
By Chromigula
By Dillon
By Swaim!
By Cracked Super Intern Randall!
By Mel
By CRACKED Writer Jeff Kelly!
By Brian
[I think the best thing is that we all clearly have no idea what Captain Corelli's Magical Mystery Mandolin was actually about. --DOB]
By Boonehams
By Raffles
By Eric
By Matt
By Jeff Kelly Again!
[Man, look at the face of the guy who isn't Nicolas Cage. He's totally thinking "You're right, I DO talk like the wind." Look at how appreciated he feels --DOB]
By TC
By Matthew
By John
By Chris
By Shawn
By Jennie
[Things I love about this one: a) Cage is clearly struggling to understand this very simple concept. b) A chick made this one. Hot.--DOB]
By Jeff Kelly Again!
By Cracked Writer Malcolm Christiansen!
By DOB
By Eric M.
By Justin
By Randy
By StillHonest
By Boonehams again
This trilogy by Malcolm Christiansen is incredible.
By Robert Brockway!
By Malcolm again!
By Peter
[Not technically following the rules, but I love this one because the idea that Nicolas Cage has as hard a time as we do figuring out which of his movies is which is hilarious to me.--DOB]
By Stephanie
By Sawyer
By Dan R.
By Quagmar.
SUPER UPDATE: I’ve received over 250 pictures of Nicolas Cage in my inbox and I am officially burnt out. We’re still playing Nicolas Cage in the Forums, but I won’t be posting anymore here.
For now. This game is addicting.
This entry was posted on Friday, March 6th, 2009 at 3:00 am and is filed under Internet, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 5th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Hahahahahahahahaha. I think this is one of the best articles ever. It gets funnier every time I read it.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Danny Keyz (RZA,fabolous,dj khalil,dr dre, the game,etc.) back in Amityville NY, playin a song about to get drunk http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrElTvfZRYo
October 16th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Yesssss!!! Okay, I just saw on Yahoo a pic of ol’ Nick with a quote about him suing his lawyer or somebody who he thinks led him into financial ruin- I thought, no way, Cage. Clearly dude you did that all by yourself, at that point I plugged in the following search “why does nicholas cage look crazy now”, and this came up!!! I am laughing so loud and hard the cat ran out the room. THIS IS THE BOMB. kah-pow.
thanks. ( :
September 4th, 2009 at 1:52 am
[...] 4, 2009 I will amuse myself with this new meme, courtesy of the fine folks at Cracked. However, Transbuddha has a more basic breakdown of the way [...]
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:58 am
[...] too lazy to do even that a chronicle of his “career” could be snickered at over here. The guy has become so bad, so much of a joke that even major newspapers are wondering why he gets [...]
July 24th, 2009 at 5:54 am
OMG this is amazing! Lol!
July 9th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
I absoultly love this game.
I want everyone one to reconize the comparison that Nicholas Cage is the Nikelback of movies!!!! Nikelback makes the same crapy song over and over and Nicholas Cage makes the same crapy movie over and over. Please spread this comparison along to everyone.
June 14th, 2009 at 2:27 am
world of warcraft grinding gold…
We have combined all the new info from Gamespy , 1UP and Worldofwar. net for your reading pleasure:…
April 29th, 2009 at 11:28 am
This is the funniest fucking thing. That bit comparing the two pictures of him running had me laughing so hard people from the office were coming around to check on me.
April 25th, 2009 at 12:35 am
YAY! this is freggin hilarous! paul suck my balls and dont try to comment back because i NEVER check back on blogs. suck it hard. senciroly, (however you spell it), awesome person.
April 19th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
I think you are all a bunch of loonies with no life, THEY ARE MOVIES, you Fricking MORONS! Get a life, get a clue, maybe try to get laid once in a while!!!
Paul
April 15th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Love it.
I hate the man with the fire of a thousand suns after he raped “The Golden Man” to make “Next.” SERIOUSLY. SO MUCH COULD BE DONE WITH SUCH A SHORT STORY. DIAF.
…oh wait, he already did. In Wicker Man. Sweet.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Holy shit its Nick Cage!
March 30th, 2009 at 6:52 am
[...] Nicholas Cage: A Career in (Baffling) Pictures [...]
March 28th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Master Commander Duke of Cage, Professor O’Brien. This could legally be your name.
Haha- In England they call flashlights “torches”.
Wicked.
hahaha
March 27th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Thank you for giving me something to forward to people when they ask why I don’t want to go see Knowing or any other Nic Cage movie =)
March 27th, 2009 at 11:24 am
This is it. You have just created an internet meme. You’re a genius O’brien. Sorry… Lt Colonel Doctor O’Brien.
March 26th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
If you are wondering why Nicolas Cage is able to continue his acting career, just read this quote from the director of knowing:
“The reason I’ve always wanted to work with him, and why I’m such a big fan of his, is that he has such an incredible range of work. Nothing is the same. Every role he takes on he takes on under its own unique set of rules. That’s why he is such a varied actor. I see that as an enormous positive. I really respect that about him. He’s not trying to be Nic Cage each time. He’s really trying to serve the character and the story, which is as much as you can ever ask of any actor.”
Apparently Cage is an incredibly varied actor, and the only people that notice this are the people that hire him.
March 24th, 2009 at 6:16 am
[...] He’s a looney who’s found a way to basically recycle one performance (same funny Cracked article) for like 8 films in a row [...]
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:06 am
Looks like he does even more intense running in a t-shirt, jacket, jeans, and bad hairstyle in KNOWING…
http://www.filmofilia.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/knowing2.jpg
March 22nd, 2009 at 4:54 pm
I love this fucking article. I agree that nic cage has really made the same movie over and over and his ability to act ended with Raising Arizona. What a piss poor acter
March 21st, 2009 at 9:01 pm
After this, my friend and I decided to walk for four hours to go see Knowing, obviously because our lives are richful fucking wasters. That, and we wanted to see how ridiculous it was. Let me tell you, after seeing all of these, watching ANY Nicolas Cage movie becomes impossible to do without laughing your ass off, and people in the seats next to you really do not appreciate such antics whilst they are trying to enjoy a fine, magnificent film.
…Okay, who is anyone kidding, it was messed right up, as are many of his films, but at least it provided us with a good laugh, which is more than enough reason to see it.
In short, all Cage movies are worth watching if you keep these captions in mind. Just go in expecting the ridiculous.
March 21st, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Your mustache picture that primed my neurons set up that movie perfectly.
That’s all I really needed to read about it. haha
March 20th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
I LOVE PACHINKO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 18th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
[...] Nicolas Cage: A Career In (Baffling) Pictures: Mindblowingly awful. [...]
March 18th, 2009 at 7:27 am
The one where he’s covered in “poop or vomit or something” is from The Family Man. It’s a chocolate milkshake. He spends the whole movie alternating between being a douche, being a bad father, and being a horrible husband. The end.
March 15th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Its all occult magic.
Thats why were seeing all this disaster movies coming out latetly. NIcolas cage is lucifer the lightbringer. and they have to warn the people about future events by movies etc.
Its just nature, study old occult books. its just warning us abouts whats coming. Because if they didnt the balance would be gone and the predator would be in danger. but who cares just go back to sleep people.. zzzzz… matrix…zzzz
Ye lets make a 200 million movie just for entertainment while we have thousends of think tanks about social engineering.
Obay the HOLY WOOD Sheeple and go back to sleep.
March 14th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Saw this on that Nic Cage plot generator article, pretty funny stuff: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKwrl3e3rgc
March 14th, 2009 at 11:58 am
I made up my own Nicholas Cage game. The purpose is to try and think of every single Nicholas Cage movie that has been made up until this point (bonus points for movies that are pending), then add “Man” to the end of them. 5 points for movies that don’t already have “Man” in the title, 10 for movies that do. Whoever wins gets punched in the balls for knowing entirely too much about Nic Cage and his illustrious career.
March 14th, 2009 at 10:43 am
I agree that Nicholas Cage looks and acts the exact same in like every single one of his films, but he was totally different in moonstruck, so don’t this that film man! he had ‘tude
March 13th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Probably the most enlightening article I’ve read on Cracked. Now I will have a new appreciation for just how crappy an actor Nicolas Cage is.
March 12th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
any pics from Amos and Andrew? That’s about the only Cage movie I like
March 12th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Reading all this Nic Cage stuff, I can’t help but keep thinking about this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xs-tl6GBOBo
March 12th, 2009 at 8:43 am
I love this blog so much I want to marry it and have little bloglets.
March 11th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
Okay, the VAmpire movie is VAmpires Kiss or someting. He (Cage) thinks he’s turning into vampre or something after some lady bites him. That’s all I know since I never saw it…
March 10th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
“I barely Ghost know her!!!!!!!”
^Best line ever, tbqh (if you don’t get it, read the watchmen article, also by DOB).
March 10th, 2009 at 6:59 am
[...] making fun of Nicholas Cage’s career, a pastime that never grows old. This Nicholas Cage inspired Photoshop game comes from Daniel O’Brien over at Cracked. Here’s how you [...]
March 9th, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Hmm…nothing about Leaving Las Vegas, huh?
Does that mean everyone agrees that Leaving Las Vegas rocked?
March 9th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Damn, I never saw any of these movies, now you guys ruined them all
March 9th, 2009 at 8:02 am
Rofl at this entire thread. Nick Cage is a class-A jackass, I’ve seen many of his cinematic ups and downs… and alot of his downs definately shed a new perspective on his “better movies”.
Last night my gf and I watched “Vampire’s Kiss” on Netflix… can’t really say I enjoyed it as much as I was Eye-Raped by it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLBmpr21Xes
The whole shitty movie summed up in about 9 minutes, though the author seems to have left out the best part in the movie where Cage is running down the street yelling “I’m a vampire” over and over again.
March 9th, 2009 at 4:07 am
This is awesome!
March 9th, 2009 at 2:01 am
lol
March 8th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
I barely ghost know her!
March 8th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Damn, I’ve just got a hernia trying not to laugh while reading this at work.
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks that “seduction” scene in Next is way creepy. It’s how I imagine the romancing sequence in Groundhog Day would be if the Bill Murray character spent his spare time hanging round playgrounds.
March 8th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
tl;dr
March 8th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
i predict a new meme… the lolcages it will be called. i encourage everyone to put some of these pics in their avatars and on their facebook walls. we can make this happen, people!
yes, we can!
the obamabot has spoken!
March 8th, 2009 at 10:17 am
I started laughing at your ABCs of not seeing a movie, and I just never stopped. This was hysterical. I cried a little bit laughing at all the captioned movie stills and now my abs are sore and I have to pee.
Nice work, everyone.
March 8th, 2009 at 8:15 am
Thank you, DOB for taking my incredible rage against the shitty actor that is Nicolas Cage, recognizing that it has merit, and turning it into something completely hilarious.
I was starting to think I was insane, being apparently the only person in the world who noticed he does the same shit all the time, and not well.
March 8th, 2009 at 3:24 am
See on several of those photos where u’ve tried to quote from the film
U got wrong
March 8th, 2009 at 3:13 am
You do realize that you are certifiably insane, right?
March 7th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Wow….am I just completely out of the loop for thinking Weatherman was pretty good? Also, Nic Cage is alright in my book for about 100 bad movies just because of Raising Arizona. Well, 100 regular bad movies or one more wickerman.
March 7th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
As lame as this undoubtedly makes me, I have to point out that the movie DOB does not know of—the one with Nick Cage that looks like he’s covered in poop—is The Weather Man. You’re better of skipping it; it’s just boring as shit.
One thing I do have to say for Nick Cage; at least he hasn’t been reduced to doing a Uwe Boll film yet. But he’s slipping, ever so slightly, toward it with each subsequent release. It won’t be long now, Mr. Cage, before you’re starring in Bioshock: The Movie.
March 7th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Give me my face..NO
Nic Cage movies are slightly over mediocre ..
1 in a dozen will actually be ok but corny
March 7th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
ahaha. this article made my day:D at like. one in the morning!! congrats D.O.B. You were the first one to do it today!!!
March 7th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Vampire’s Kiss is one of the funniest movies of all time. I suggest you all check it out.
March 7th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Where is Valley Girl? racing with the moon?
March 7th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
i have an idea how about instead of the daily craption you have a picture from a nicolas cage film and get people to write a caption for that
March 7th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
That last one (Cage/Caruso) nearly made me wet my pants!
March 7th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
I feel it unjust to slam ol’ Nick merely because he lacks talent, or imagination. I mean, his uncle’s done his best to provide the poor hack with a job of some sort, thereby keeping yet another hapless lackwit from being a drain on the system. Plus, it’s not as if he’s completely talentless. He has at least as much acting ability as, say, Keanu Reeves. If you study them both, it is obvious that each has the ability to demonstrate “Happy”, “Sad”, and “Some of Each”. Not too shabby, I think. So, the next time you’re tempted to dis ol’ Nicky-boy, or others of his ilk, please, think of what his life may have become without these relatively harmless make-work projects, and please, be kind.
March 7th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Not to unnecessarily defend Nicholas Cage, but you’re picking on Nicholas Cage because he’s done very many movies. Pluck any other actor who has done as much work (say, W. Shatner), and you will find the same similarities in mannerisms across movies because, ultimately, that isn’t different characters up there, but always Nicholas Cage or John Travolta or Sandra Bullock. Tho actors, they are human beings first, and will always let slip their own quirks and nuances . . . the same ones.
The difference isn’t their skill but that they’ve picked quirks and nuances we happen to like.
March 7th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
I love to the direct tie-in to the David Caruso acting flow chart. Brilliant.
March 7th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
You could post this article with any actor ever.
Lame as fuck
March 7th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
cosmolilly, I KNOW Nic Cage isn’t in the original “Wicker Man.” I just thought it would have been brought up because it’s so good in comparison to the remake. No need to be snide.
March 7th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
[...] at Cracked, the notion that Nicolas Cage’s movies nowadays are basically the same movie, with the same plot and intensity, is [...]
March 7th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Nic Cage’s hair is a bird.
Your argument is invalid.
March 7th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I’ll take Nicolas Cage and his do-alike movies any day over Tom Cruise playing the same role in every movie. Meg Ryan does the same thing.
March 7th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
four of them here.
March 7th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
four of them here:
March 7th, 2009 at 11:53 am
For a movie you would never pay a dime to see, would never actively pursue, nor rearrange your schedule in any way to catch … you sure spent a lot of attention to it here. I think you’re lying. You’ll go see it. You LOVE Nicholas Cage.
March 7th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Stupid article, not funny.
March 7th, 2009 at 11:37 am
He is actually a good actor, but he takes on WAY to many shitty roles. He is amazing in Adaptation.
March 7th, 2009 at 11:01 am
This is the best idea anyone has ever had!
March 7th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Raising Arizona. Then piles and piles of steaming poo.
March 7th, 2009 at 9:47 am
My mother loves Nicolas Cage, and she did laugh at some of these. I think she agrees with the whole ‘most of his movies are kinda the same’ thing. City of Angels is sweet, though.
March 7th, 2009 at 9:33 am
http://s62.photobucket.com/albums/h108/leepameepston/?action=view¤t=SIPA_RaisingArizona_0711019_ssh.jpg
Seeing as there’s no images from this movie yet…
March 7th, 2009 at 9:27 am
to Dan- yes shaving is so gay- Only homosexual men shave their faces
and Fonsela- No one mentioned the original Wicker Man becuase this article is about Nic Cage and he isn’t in that one.
DUH
March 7th, 2009 at 9:04 am
“Face/Off” is one of the best movies I’ve ever seen. I started watching it, not really expecting much, but it drew me in. The premise is original anyway. I think it deserves better rep.
Also, I didn’t see Cage’s “Wicker Man”, but the ORIGINAL with Edward Woodward is one of the BEST movies ever, and I’m surprised that nobody mentioned it.
March 7th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Hey anyone notice how many movies Nic is shaving in. HOw gay.
March 7th, 2009 at 8:51 am
freakin hillarious
March 7th, 2009 at 8:48 am
[...] Nicholas Cage Game. Or, “Nicholas Cage is Ridiculous, and Here is Some Photographic [...]
March 7th, 2009 at 8:11 am
test
March 7th, 2009 at 7:49 am
I saw the Coen bros on a Charlie Rose interview where they were asked why Nic Cage wasn’t in more of their films after Raising Arizona. They said he was hard to work with because he liked to “improve” upon their script by improvising. Fucking hilarious.
March 7th, 2009 at 6:53 am
that was the most retarded thing i have seen i a long while
March 7th, 2009 at 6:48 am
Oh man… just peed a bit…. yes… in my pants… this is one of the funniest recounts of Nick’s career I’ve ever read…. and in so many ways…. it’s so true! But I’ve been brainwashed… next to the Saturday Night Live Cowbell sketch… I can’t seem to turn away from Cage flics…
March 7th, 2009 at 3:21 am
Aww, you didn’t put mine up. Oh well.
March 7th, 2009 at 3:12 am
He is one of the greatest actors of all time. One word Adaptation.
March 7th, 2009 at 2:27 am
I’m bored. Oh, and also drunk. I’d also like to add that these shits are hilarious. Made me less bored, but didn’t alter my drunkenness. I’m typing with one eye closed so as to prevent double vision. Your welcome.
March 7th, 2009 at 12:48 am
HA! I laugh and laugh.
March 7th, 2009 at 12:40 am
Nicolas Cage had drinks thrown at him by strangers throughout the movie “Weather Man,” and played a vampire in the reputedly terrible “Vampire Kiss.”
March 7th, 2009 at 12:33 am
to everyone working at cracked.com i owe you a debt of gratitude this post is purely for you (especially DOB and SWAIM)
i had not heard of Watchmen b4 1 month ago
i did not grow up reading comics, and my exposure to them cam purely with the mainstream exposure of saturday morning cartoons and the now frequent hollywood big-budget movies
upon hearing about watchmen i was curiuos but after visiting this website and understanding just how big a deal this piece of literature was (time magazine top 100????) i felt inclined to go see this movie opening day
i went in with average expectations and was absolutely blown away by just how incredible it was.
i would not have seen this for weeks if not months to come if it were not for the dedication of your writers to this piece of literature and would have been deprived of a truly mind-blowing piece of artwork for that much time,
thank you cracked.com (especially DOB) for exposing me to Alan Moore’s, truly genius, works. i consider myself an amatuer movie critic and not seeeing this piece of work would have shamed me greatly
March 7th, 2009 at 12:12 am
The Rock is basically the greatest movie ever, even when trying to make fun of it, it looks cool.
Someone needs to romoshop up some “Carla was the prom queen”
March 6th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
You know you can fit Johnny Deep, Brad Pitt and George Clooney in this theory of yours. I don’t even bother watching their movies anymore.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
Best. Game. Ever.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
http://sarahmelana.blogspot.com/2008/07/wheres-sequel.html
March 6th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
aww, wicked. i am actively afraid of cage.
for the longest time i thought face/off was about hockey (i’m canadian) and i thought all the jokes about it were pretty stupid. then i found out that the movie itself is actually that stupid.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
This..this is just….I have no words to describe how freaking AWESOME this was…….dude seriously…..wow
March 6th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
This made me very happy.
March 6th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
This is probably one of THE frickin’ funniest things I have EVER read! Thank you thank you thank you!
My personal faves were the “rape juice” and “put the bunneh BAYACK in the BOWX”
March 6th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Ah, I love the Wicker Man ones. That was a terrible movie. Terribly entertaining. For all the wrong reasons.
March 6th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
wheres fkng adaptation
March 6th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
VALLEY GIRL
March 6th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
well, four now.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
oops. i posted 2 in a row.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I like the “No time for sideburns” thing. lol. Not the whole pic, just the beginning.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I like the “No time for sideburns” thing. lol.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
http://www.worstpreviews.com/images/next.gif
once this delorean hits 88MPH…im going back to the future baby
March 6th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
“Rape juice” oh jeezus, fucking brilliant
I almost had a heart attack of the LOLs.
I just wish people made use of Nick’s speech impediment where he always pronouces “s” as “sh”. So it would be like:
“Hey guysh. I’m gonna go over here and be intensh. Anyone shee my flashlight?”
March 6th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
I laughed so hard I cried.
I love you all.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
“He’ll have to BREAK INTO HISTORY!”…hilarious
And by the way, I’m really starting to love this new “website plug/comment spam”
The ones like “Do you like Pandas, Batman, Robots, and Jesus…THEN I’VE GOT A SITE FOR YOU!
http://www.pandabatmantrobotjesus.com -Because you really have nothing better to do than click on that link.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
MissMegan: I didn’t forget it. Check the forum post for more Cagey goodness.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:21 pm
Hey! I sent in the Snake Eyes one, and I’m a chick! Aren’t I hot too?
*pouty face*
March 6th, 2009 at 6:16 pm
You forgot Peggy Sue got married…
March 6th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
the one picture with the vomit is “weatherman”. it’s actually a milkshake someone threw at him because he was wrong. the best part of that movie is when he walks down the crowded street with a bow and arrow lookin’ actiony in the way only nicholas cage can. the rest is just “wow, my life sucks, a lot. and i’m always wrong”.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
i’v just got in drunk as fuck from the pub and saw this and laughed so fucking hard its unbelievable.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
NO NOT THE BEES!!!
..THEY”RE IN MY EYES!!!….AHHH
March 6th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
This was hilarious XD
March 6th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Here is a complete and unabridged list of good Nicholas Cage Movies:
1) Raising Arizona
March 6th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Hey AtomicSpike, i thought the same thing
i was so certain hahaha
March 6th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Personally I like Nicolas Cage…I don’t get why you all hate him so much. Sure his characters may get a little repetitive, but they’re enjoyable.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:53 pm
Paul, you’re a fucking idiot. Why are you on the internet reading comedy articles? Go outside, get some air, plant a tree, etc, etc
March 6th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Oh I’ve just realised how many actors we can do this with!
This is freakin’ hilarious.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
Awesome work DOB, your game just kick’s Gladstone’s Facebook game in the balls. Well done!
March 6th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
He was fantastic, however, in Raising Arizona.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
I’ve seen a lot of things in my life, but,
That… was… awesome.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
This actually hits my top five favorite ever cracked articles. Which is quite a difficult bracket to get into. This is great.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
whoever writes this stuff this has too much time on their hands unless of course they’re getting paid by the word. i already know that nicolas cage plays weird roles and is, yes, the same person in most films which explains why he runs the same way in all running clips…….but i didn’t write a 3 page blog about it.
advise : go outside, get some fresh air, and plant a tree.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d54/rustyswing/safe3.gif
wut
March 6th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Holy crap! I was so fucking positive that one of those two identical pictures of him running was from Bangkok Dangerous. Which just proves your point more.
Also, that “ghost know her” one is awesome. I’m so mass emailing that one right now.
March 6th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
“When people are told to summarize Wicker Man, they independently come to the conclusion that being dressed as a bear and punching women was the only thing that happened. I think this might be the most important work I’ve ever done. ”
Brilliant.
As much as I love Nicholas Cage, this is my favourite cracked article in awhile. l would totally make a picture, but it’s friday night. One hand is drinking and the other is waiting for ppl to get back from class to go drink at bars.
March 6th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Con Air is the Best-Worst Movie of all time. Let me explain. Pick the worst movie of all time. Determine if it is in fact, the BEST worst movie of all time. Ol’ Nicky can turn any movie into the BEST-Worst movie of all time if he only concentrates (and the director gets out of his glorious path). I believe he could start a new new category at the Oscars. (Alternately, there would also be a Worst-Best movie category, although that is still under discussion amongst my friends and I)…..Discuss.
March 6th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v42/vadigital@hotmail.com/cracked/2006_ghost_rider_001.jpg
March 6th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
I didn’t buy into this post at all. However I do wonder why famous actors tend to glom onto somewhat unattractive young Korean women as their careers and sex appeal fade out. Is it because the hot white women (and more attractive asian females) will no longer have anything to do with male actors sliding downhill? Do young Korean women accept that the best they can do is an aging white playboy whose winkie is shriveled and grey?
March 6th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
effing hilarious!!!
March 6th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I have noticed this phenomenon before and I think I can explain why Nicolas Cage movies are all the same.
Nicolas Cage (real name Nicolas Kim Coppola) was born on January 7, 1964. A bunch of stuff happened, and then he was in Fast Fimes at Ridgemont High, therefore introducing him to future Hollywood elite and possibly getting to see Phoebe Cates boobs for reals. Then was worked with the Cohen brothers in 1987, and then he won an academy award for leaving los vegas.
So by 1994 Nicolas Cage had basically done everything in hollywood that anyone could ever do, and now he just does movies where he does the same thing over and over, because he is out of acting juice. This phenomena also leads to eccentric behaviors like marrying Elvis’s daughter, buying an Island, and giving his son superman’s Kryptonian name
March 6th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I can’t photoshop from this computer but I ask….no DEMAND somebody make:
“I am leaving Las Vegas…in a booze filled coffin”
March 6th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Best way to spend Friday at work ever.
Nice work, as always, DOB.
Face Off makes me want rip my own face off. Just… no. How can people like that movie? Fail.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I love this great interactive article. If I was at all creative, I’d send in a picture!
I love DOB, you bring out the best in everyone.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
I’m sorry….Vampire….I can spell
March 6th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
This is pure gold, as golden as the guitar solos in conair
March 6th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Dude that vampire movie is “Vamipire’s Kiss” and I’m ashamed I know that….
March 6th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Jeffro is thirteen.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
prank williams: i think i know exactly which song yer talking about, awesome shit haha
and man, this game is so fuckin rad. if i werent so lazy i just might actually take part….
March 6th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
These are actually pretty fucking hilarious.
Also: Con Air warped around itself by being so shitty, it was no longer shitty. This contest made me wish I had photoshop/cared enough to make one of those pictures.
Also: Yes Nic, I’m afraid it IS the bees.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
i just realized the subtle brilliance that your “Dan Dan Revolution” blog header is written in a font called cracked. impressive.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
This is quite possibly the most fun game ever.
EVER.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Bwaa ha ha ha ha!
That was great!
The only Nicolas Cage movie I ever saw that I actually loved him in was “Birdy.” I thought he was excellent in it, and I was so unhappy with his subsequent work. He’s disappointed me ever since. (Although “8mm” was a good movie)
March 6th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
The pictures of him running with the leg and arm in the same exact position…oh my gosh. My stomach hurts from laughing so much. One of the funniest things I’ve read at cracked.com.
I LOVE YOU, DOB!!!
March 6th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
i can’t stop laughing. i struggled just to type this.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
i swear while i was reading this article my music was on shuffle and a “leftover crack” song came on that ended with a sound clip from “raising arizona” where he talks about the lone biker of the apocalypse…..totally creeped me out.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
The only flaw in your theory / argument is that you would watch House before watching one of Cage’s movie. House is a show where the same thing happens every episode. A strange opening scene to develop the back story of the weird medical case; House is called in and says, “Hmmm, this is a strange case, maybe it’s this?” No. Ok guys what do you think it is? No you are all stupid and wrong and I am going to make fun of you so that people think I’m a cool character. Ok, now lets misdiagnose again, so we can make this show longer than 30 minutes. Ok, now lets go through this person’s personal life… maybe break into his/her house and eureka we’ve figured it out! No wait, that’s not it, but somehow it ties back to one of the original diagnoses and BAM… we’ve figured it out! Yay… lewd sexual inuendo…. gotcha moment, etc. End show.
So, I’m not sure that watching House would really rate above a Nic Cage movie… to me they are just about on par with each other. Zzzzzz
March 6th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Ok here you go
March 6th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
you know, come to think of it, nearly every nicholas cage movie IS the same in one way or another! if he’s not “saving the world”,
then he’s put in a position to where he will inevitably “fall in love”, but the whole story is about him falling in love, only for the whole
thing to be such a freaking pain in the ass just so he can be with the girl he fell in love with! i have to say that he does play the
“intense” character pretty damn well!
March 6th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
I was going to submit my own, but then an image search returned the poster for Knowing. “Knowing…is everything” is the film’s official tagline. Also, the O is an eclipse and the I is a 1. I can’t beat that.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Look at how many wet streets Tom Cruise runs down. its a little creepy…
March 6th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
The running thing is an ongoing theme in even the earliest of Cage’s work. Case in point: Raising Arizona
http://www.brandhype.org/albums/Examples/RaisingArizona_1987.jpg
notice the leg.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
I knew it was only a matter of time before Dan submitted a “hardly know her” joke… again. It’s one of the few things I can count on in this world.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
This is the funniest thing I’ve read all week. I literally laughed out loud reading this. Bravo my friend, Bravo!
March 6th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
I haven’t had this much fun in such a long time.
March 6th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
It’s hard to believe that like a million years ago this guy was pretty good (Leaving Las Vegas, Raising Arizona, Red Rock West). What the fuck happened?
March 6th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I am very upset because after watching the trailer I was thinking about how badly I needed to see that movie. I think I’m lame…
Going to read the rest of the article and complain some more. BRB LOLZ
March 6th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Maybe a bit weak, but it was the first thing that came to mind.
http://imgur.com/1KMO.jpg
March 6th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
“Give me my face.” “No.” Holy Hell, I laughed uncontrollably for a while there. Also with the “Guess I can’t really see the fucking future then.” Love this!!
March 6th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Haha these are awesome, that picture with shit (milk shake) on cage is called Weather Man btw, Terrible movie of course, you know since nicolas cage was in it.
I love how no one has put up a adaptation pic yet which is great because it’s one of the only fucking good movies he’s done.
March 6th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
“I drive an ambulance. That’s the whole ****ing movie.”
Literally! This was my favorite of the bunch, next to “Everytime I see the future, it changes, so I guess I really can’t see it.”
Seriously, what happened to Nic Cage? He deserves an honorable mention on your recent top 5 badasses gone wrong list. He definetly has gone the Steven Segal route. Whatever he’s into in real life is leaking into his flicks. Next? Knowing (that this is going to suck)? He’s one bad movie away from going straight to video.
March 6th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
This is actually hilarious. I gotta ask what’s up with the sudden war against movies, though. Oscars, Tyler Perry, your fight with FOX over Watchmen…
March 6th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
“Give me my face.” “No.”
That one absolutely killed me. That, and the facial expression coupled with “…THE KNOWING”.
Good job, guys!
March 6th, 2009 at 11:58 am
I think my favorite Nick Cage line is from Wickerman. You see him getting hoisted into a structure and there’s a great voice over where he yells, “My legs! You broke my legs!” It’s more or less the greatest example of his ‘”something bad happened but for whatever reason I don’t seem to care that much” style of acting.
Also, yes, Pedgerow. I agree. Adaptation was matched only in it’s terribleness by it’s boringness.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:44 am
This is my first comment here, been reading for years. I felt compelled to say Swaim’s picture is probably one of the funniest picture-related things on Cracked, pretty much ever.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:34 am
This was hilarious! I needed a good laugh.
It’s really sad, I used to like Nic Cage. Valley Girl is pretty good, but then again, you might have to be a girl to like it.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:21 am
I love, love, love how in David’s pic “Intenseface” is trademarked!!!
March 6th, 2009 at 11:19 am
This was great, but don’t do it again, it took too long to read.
Also, you liked Adaptation? Dude, it sucked so badly. If you asked me to name my three least favourite films in the world, it would genuinely be on there, along with High Fidelity (why do people like that so much?) and Beerfest (you’d probably actually agree with me there).
March 6th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Dan, I haven’t laughed this hard since Raising Arizona. Indeed, this game is your best idea ever. Your readers are some funny bastards.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Swaim yours is the funniest so far. Best game evar.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Say what you will, but most of Nicolas Cage’s movies are fun to watch at least once….and at most once.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:56 am
You have to do Clint Eastwood next.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Can you believe those are all the same guy???? His range is rivaled only by Keanu Reeves who can play all manner of android like character.
Fantastic.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Wow, I just realized, thanks to your piece, that Nic Cage is our generation’s Gene Hackman.
There have to be at least 30 films in Hackman’s oeuvre where he a) has odd looking hair, b) wears roughly the same clothes, and c) is either chasing or running away from someone/something.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Reading this I was thinking about how I want to see Next because it looked bad enough to be funny, but then I realized…I HAVE seen Next! I had completely forgot about it until I saw those pictures with Jessica Beil. Maybe that’s how he keeps getting work. All of his movies blend together, so people don’t realize just how many times he’s made the same one. Regardless, I love Nicolas Cage.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:27 am
i don’t think you could do this with keanu reeves. all people would send in is shots of him in every movie he’s ever been in with the caption: “WHOA!”
i mean, it would be funny for the first three or four of them, but after a while you just run out of movies.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:26 am
i liked the weatherman. i have yet to see adaptation, but i want to. otherwise, yeah, this article is dead on.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:21 am
It’s not Con Air and it’s not vomit. It’s a The Weatherman and a milkshake.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:11 am
Just to be clear, I will watch Face Off, Con Air and The Rock every time they’re on television.
I guess, if Nicolas Cage or TNT are reading this blog, I want them to know that they should never take Con Air out of their Sunday morning rotation.
March 6th, 2009 at 10:05 am
March 6th, 2009 at 9:56 am
in his defense “kiss of the vampire” was actually a great movie. possibly his only.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:51 am
@Steven O - RiffTrax freaking rules!
March 6th, 2009 at 9:48 am
This IS a fun game! Oh and the movie where he looks like he’s covered in vomit is con air.(I kinda liked it)
March 6th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Keanu Reeves… let’s do Keanu Reeves next!
Or is that too easy? SAME EXPRESSION, SAME F%)*@& EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE EVERY DAMN MOVIE.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Thought i’d help you out, providing no-one else has, but that pic of him with a milkshake poured all over him is of his move “The Weatherman” which im assuming is of a weatherman who gets blamed for shitty weather. i dont know never bothered seeing it but i remember in a preview for it when it came out he was walking around with a quiver and bow on his back…you know like a bow and arrow.
..i dont know, i noticed this on cracked.com’s site and immediately had to read it. Finally someone else who realizes that theres nothing different about any Cage movie..
He always has that, “damn im way too high to be trying to do this shot right now” sounding voice in everyone of his movies. i mean if he were doing a comedy about stoners, meth addicts, or junkies, id be all about seeing it, but he doesnt. just a bunch of running and, well running. shit he doesn’t even gets laid in any movie he plays in WTF is that about.
“You’ve got lights, you’ve got camera’s…bitchin technology” - Jimmy Falon as Nicholas Cage - SNL (Celebrity Jeopardy)
March 6th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Ive figured it out, Nicolas Cage is going the same route as Keanu Reeves in that his acting is so bland but the movie plot is so big and confusing that it masks his poor acting. No need to thank me, just doing my job.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:39 am
I am a pretty big fan of cheesy action movies because they are just dumb fun and I definitely get tired of political dramas, economic documentaries, romantic comedies and extremely intellectual films with a twist…
Sometimes… I just want to see shit get blown up… Nicolas Cage movies usually fulfill that… At least… The Rock and Face/Off did!
March 6th, 2009 at 9:33 am
> The one by Steven O is my favorite. I was equally creeped out by his relationship with Eva Mendes in Ghostrider.
Thanks! Yeah, it’s really creepy - as is his real-life relationship. Plus in some of his movies (NEXT for sure) he looks so… greasy. Ick. He’s got “sex offender face”. I only watched NEXT because I downloaded the RiffTrax commentary for it. Made it almost watchable.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:29 am
@jpj, it’d help if they weren’t all the same movie.
DOB, brilliant article. I don’t think I’ve actually seen any of his moves apart from the car-theif one.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:24 am
You got me on Face Off but what about The Rock? I love that shit. Connery makes the movie of course but it wouldn’t be the same without Cage.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:21 am
This was probably the funniest post I read all day. I love Nicolas Cage in allll his badness.
March 6th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Have you watched face/off recently? It’s one of the cheesiest action films ever, quite unintentionally hilarious. Only in that way is it “pretty good”.
The one by Steven O is my favorite. I was equally creeped out by his relationship with Eva Mendes in Ghostrider.
March 6th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Funny as always but I have a bone to pick. Why does everyone always give Cage so much shit? The Rock, Snake Eyes, Face Off, Con - Air, even Matchstick Men was pretty good. Sure he has some shitty ones but who doesn’t?
March 6th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Recently, I discovered a hot place —–Uniformeddate.com—– where many sexy military singles who like talking about fashion and love there. I’m an open minded girl from US, I also like playing with tall guys on it.
March 6th, 2009 at 8:39 am
This reminds me of the Family Guy bit about Harrison Ford always running around, telling people to give him back his family.
March 6th, 2009 at 8:32 am
You could take a screen grab of Raising Arizona with him and the baby and have it say something like “I steal a baby and shenanigans ensues.” Bam Raising Arizona ladies and gentlemen.
Or you could take that movie where he thinks he is a vampire and put on it “I think I am a vampire but I am really just nuts.”
March 6th, 2009 at 8:31 am
You say he won’t ever win an Oscar, but then let’s look at this year’s (2009) Best Actor. Sean Penn has been playing Sean Penn since he brought the pizza to class. It doesn’t matter to Hollywood how an actor ‘acts’. The votes are apparently based on Hollywood’s political cause du jour.
March 6th, 2009 at 8:27 am
Nice! Very true!
March 6th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Aye I’m with you Dr.Chaos - the rock, face off and con air are his best films. Love ‘em
I love the crazy expressions he doe sin face of and when his skin is peeling off in ghost rider. has me in fits of giggles every time.
“I want his face…OFF.”
“No more drugs for that man!”
March 6th, 2009 at 8:14 am
He was fantastic in Wild At Heart.
That’s about it.
March 6th, 2009 at 8:12 am
“Why couldn’t he put the bunny back in the box”
Seriously though, Raising Arizona was a fantastic film, and he was good in that. I also quite liked “The RocK” “Face Off” and “Con Air” but that was mostly because shit blew up, in fact those 3 films were basically the same as well, kind of. And Steve Buscemi And Danny Trejo were in Con Air which automatically makes them half awesome. Those were also in Desperado, another great splodey, stabby, shooty film.
March 6th, 2009 at 8:09 am
You’ve probably all seen this before, but i can’t get over this picture;
http://s476.photobucket.com/albums/rr130/darren123123123/?action=view¤t=yourargument.jpg
Great article
March 6th, 2009 at 8:06 am
I think you’re crazy, Dar. I don;t think he’s hot at all, I think he’s sort of gross looking. And he can’t act. His acing is just so wooden, I can’t stand it.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:59 am
Nicolas Cage’s career…it was gone in sixty seconds…the sixty seconds before he started it…even with a cool last name that makes you think he is related to Johnny Cage doesnt help him.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:46 am
he cant act - but call me crazy - “he’s friggin hot”! you could do the same [please please do] w/Bruce Willis - & he’s smokin Hot!
March 6th, 2009 at 7:45 am
“He might not win an Oscar anytime soon” -nate 13
Ummmm… Leaving Los Vegas. That is a win that holds true to the Oscar curse.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:43 am
What do you have against Nicholas Cage anyway?
March 6th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Dan. I think this game has revolutionized the way we watch movies.
Couldn’t we put this theory to the test in just about any other actor’s shoes?
Jackie Chan? Jet Li? Jason Statham?
Jackie Chain - I am a hilarious martial artist!
Jet Li - I am an intense martial artist!
Jason Statham - I’m a handsome pseudo-martial artist that delivers things frequently! I’m also handsome.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:37 am
You forgot the second ‘t’ in adaptation.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:28 am
I like Nicolas Cage. He might not win an Oscar anytime soon, but he’s got a sort of awkward charisma. Maybe that doesn’t make sense…
March 6th, 2009 at 7:24 am
Heheh I don’t mind him too much, in fact I rather like him. I live 30 miles away from one of his holiday homes in England. =) But ting is I really liked him in City Of Angels. And before you say anything, I have seen Wim Wender’s Wings of Desire, the German original. But that didn’t affect me as much. I don’t know why, it’s probably because I saw the American one first.
Though I do agree that The Knowing looks absolutely ridiculous. And I really didn’t like him in National Treasure.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:19 am
Oh god, finally my secret Cage obsession can come to light! I thought it was only me, I thought I was just inexplicably gay for balding men with half-mullets.
I even identified all those screenshots correctly. Even from Next. I think I’ve seen every movie he’s put out, and they are all universally awful, and I love them entirely.
Actually…that still sounds pretty gay for fractionally mulleted men, doesn’t it?
March 6th, 2009 at 7:15 am
His hair’s a toupee. He’s been going bald since the early nineties. For some reason they don’t put on fake sideburns… it’s scary.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:07 am
…His hair- it’s always the effin’ hair, man! D< Gawd- who the hell does his hair? I wonder if it would be okay if he just..became bald. Anyway-…I enjoyed Lord of War…but I really don’t remember much of it.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:06 am
wow. soo true! Although I kind of liked National Treasure.
March 6th, 2009 at 7:01 am
I second “lolcages.”
March 6th, 2009 at 7:00 am
Motorbreath that would be perfect, except for the well known fact that Nicolas Cage HAS no agent.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:50 am
Can we call your game “lolcages” instead? I can haz nazhunul treyzure!
March 6th, 2009 at 6:46 am
it’s strange but I was remarking to myself just the other day that cage hasn’t put out a good movie in a reeeal long time and then suddenly, this article appears.
for his next movie, i think nic should star as a future version of himself sent back in time to stop his present self from signing on to another 90 min trainwreck. maybe for a plot twist they have it so that his agent and his hairstylist turn out to be evil robots bent on destroying his career.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:42 am
What about Lord of War?
March 6th, 2009 at 6:35 am
Matchstick men was decent, so was 14 mm or whatever it was called.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:34 am
I just looked at his IMDB page, he’ll be in 9 movies out this year…
Electric God (2009) (announced)
Amarillo Slim (2009) (pre-production)
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (2009) (pre-production)
Season of the Witch (2010) (filming) …. Lavey
Astro Boy (2009) (filming) (voice) …. Dr. Tenma
Kick-Ass (2009) (filming) …. Damon Macready
G-Force (2009) (post-production) (voice) …. Speckles
Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009) (post-production)
Knowing (2009) …. John Koestler
DOB, you’ve got poster fuel for next years calendar just about.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:23 am
i’m glad to see so many people with a shared view of nic cage. i’d like to take it one step further though. break it down into 2 columns, good movies and bad movies hes been in, and the good side is a lot shorter (leaving las vegas, adaptation, 8mm, raising arizona, the weatherman) vs. (too many to list). its kind of the better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. except, no wrong, thats bs, so its nothing like that. i would rather nic cage be a paul walker and make consistently shitty films so i could easily dismiss him, rather than be disappointed every time some national bangkok dangerous con air treasure hollywood crap fest comes out and slaps good roles he’s played right in the face. maybe its not even that he was a good actor in the roles he played well, maybe they were just movies too good to fail regardless of the actors in them, or maybe i’m reading far too much into nicholas cage. but maybe, just maybe, his mother should have flushed him down the toilet with the rest of her diarrhea 45 years ago. ouch.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:09 am
I expected Dan to write about the awesomeness that is the Inglorious bastards trailer. awell… next time
March 6th, 2009 at 6:07 am
A long time ago my brother and I did a similar research project with Nicholas Cage. We took the cover shot of all of his movies. From the nose up its the exact same face. His only expression in his face at all comes from him yelling or whatever facial hair he might have. Whoa, I’m angry! Whoa, I’m sad! Its the same face. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.
March 6th, 2009 at 6:03 am
nicholas cage needs to call it quits….
only the mentally challenged would see his ‘films’
March 6th, 2009 at 5:54 am
As far as dumb action movies go, Con Air and The Rock are great examples of the genre; mindless, explodey and reasonably witty.
As for the other great Nic Cage films mentioned, Adaptation is magnificent (Brilliant Screenwriter[s] and Direction obviously help immensely), but I really want to like Cage, I really do for some reason.. I just can’t help but find a lot of his output irritating, Oh and the Lisa Marie Presley thing is just creepy as hell.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:50 am
Yeah 8mm is a good fucking movie.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:47 am
Wicker man was so horrible our local video store was giving refunds on rentals
March 6th, 2009 at 5:43 am
After a bucks night almost a year ago I treated myself to National Treasure 2. It had it all- bad acting, writing, wigs and CGI. Imagine THAT with a hangover- it chased the blues away!
March 6th, 2009 at 5:39 am
what , who. when. where.
also gone in 60 seconds blows donkeys with a passion.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:28 am
man, sailor and fucking lula was great, admit it please! (but you’re right, it was released a looong time ago).
March 6th, 2009 at 5:28 am
u want baffling nic pics? http://glark.org/your-argument-is-invalid/comment-page-1/#comment-1775
March 6th, 2009 at 5:27 am
i like 8mm the best.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:22 am
hey whosthatguy!
you’re wrong in both your post…
In Matchstick Men he overcomes adversity and is mentally handicapped. (severe OCD) It’s a really good movie btw…
Although I agree that a number of his movies are pretty much the same, he has actually done some great movies…
March 6th, 2009 at 5:19 am
I liked 8mm.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:18 am
Raising Arizona fucking rules!! Wild At Heart fucking rules!! I firmily believe if you can help lay groundwork for the renowned careers of both David Lynch AND the Coen Brothers, you are totally allowed to forever leave piles of unmarketable crap in your wake. I’ll even go so far as to say it supplies you license to give your child a shitty name from a comic book.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:16 am
Leaving Las Vegas is one of the greatest movies ever…problem is, he made it too early. He knows he can’t beat that one, so what choice does he have. The only way is down. So he is not even trying anymore. And as you clearly point out, half of his movies are stock footage of him running.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:05 am
Lord of War, Matchstick Man and Leaving Las Vegas were awesome, the rest is unwatchable.
March 6th, 2009 at 5:02 am
My hubby and I just last night were having this discussion after seeing the same trailer. My theory is that the more ridiculous his fake hair is, the more retarded the movie will be. My hubby also said the same thing as this article summed up. Its been the same movie over and over for many years.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:45 am
My brother and I were just talking about Nick Cage and, with a little research we came to a conclusion: If someone is in a movie with Nicholas Cage, the next movie they appear in is terrible.
Examples
Nick Cage and John Goodman in Raising Arizona. Goodman’s next movie - Burglar, starring Whoopie Goldberg
Nick Cage and Sean Connery in the Rock. Connery’s next movie - The Avengers
Nick Cage and Angelina Jolie in Gone in 60 Seconds - Jolie’s next movie - Tomb Raider
Nick Cage and Peter Fonda in Ghost Rider. Fonda’s next Movie - Wild Hogs
There’s numerous examples, but these are just a few.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:40 am
I forgot to mention that Nic Cage hasn’t been in movies where you have to showcase your acting ability; that is
a) Comedy
b) Period / historic drama
c) Maffia flick
d) Overcoming adversity (he didn’t beat his alcoholism in Leaving Las vegas now did he)
March 6th, 2009 at 4:25 am
I’m gonna go ahead and say it’s his career choices. He’s been in too many genres. You name the genre, he’s been in it. All variations of action, that is ranging from cars, to futuristic to science fiction to comic books. Does he have multiple romantic comedies under his belt? You betcha. War movies? Oh yeah. Film-noir? Snake eyes and 8 mm are in that territory. Drama? Hospital(bringing out the dead), absurd (adaptation), alcoholism, you name it, he’s been in it. Horror flick? WIcker man baby. Did some animation too in Ant Bully.
He’s like a company that’s trying to increase market share at all costs. During that prime $$ time of his, he follows up an action movie with a romantic comedy followed by Snake Eyes. There’s absolutely no consistency in there. The only credential he’s lacking that I’m aware of is playing a mentally or physically handicapped role.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:22 am
awesome i really like nicolas cage
March 6th, 2009 at 4:16 am
Matchstick Men was pretty good.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:12 am
Check your inbox Dan
March 6th, 2009 at 4:10 am
Dudes, I recently wrote an article for a website that followed basically the same format of these articles, and I have found new respect for cracked writers. These damn things take hours to write, and just minutes to read. It’s crazy how they keep pumping out article after article.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:00 am
This is awesomeness. Nic Cage lols.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:00 am
While I do like Nicholas Cage, and I sometimes enjoy watching Nicholas cage movies (i’m a sucker for history thrillers) I will eagerly admit that he is completely ridiculous. And this game is about to be my new favorite past time.
(Also, someone needs to animate those Face/Off pictures into the scariest avatar ever.)
March 6th, 2009 at 3:55 am
Face off was decent…Con air was ok…Lord of war was awesome…gone in 60 seconds was another ok and the rest are pretty much poodo!
March 6th, 2009 at 3:49 am
Dude, I did a good job in Lord Of War…
March 6th, 2009 at 3:47 am
oooh cool, My First First. *yay*? Now My Existence is Justified.
March 6th, 2009 at 3:46 am
Brilliant. Although i must admit to liking a few of his movies.