The rules of a house party playlist are as simple as they are elegant. If you want to host a good party, you play five straight hours of "I Wanna Rock" by Luther Campbell. A bad party? Five straight hours of Lou Bega's Disney "Mambo No. 5." It's a timeworn equation.
But what if you want to hold a confusing party? What if you, the malevolent puppet master that you are, expressly invited those poor bastards who'll return your calls for mind games and bacon-wrapped dates? Simple -- just turn on any of these five songs. Your guests won't leave, but they won't know what the hell's happening either.
5"Life at the Outpost" by Skatt Bros.
Sounds Like: The Dallas Cowboys' entrance music, if the team was sponsored by a Turkish bath.
Back in 1979, a Canadian disco group known as Skatt Bros. released their two most famous songs, both of which made the Village People sound like the house band for The 700 Club.
Like "Y.M.C.A.," Skatt Bros.' first single, "Walk the Night," was a catchy ditty about meeting exciting new friends in an unfeeling metropolis. But unlike the Village People's hit, "Walk the Night" (sample lyric: "He's got a rod beneath his coat he's gonna ram right down your throat!") never caught on with the senior citizen aquarobics circuit.
Skatt Bros.' next single, "Life at the Outpost," recounts the trials endured by frontiersmen of yore: "The sergeant-at-arms had masculine charms ... his black leather boots kick[ed] the butts of recruits." It also sported -- I am not fucking around here -- the finest music video never to reach popular rotation:
Dear God, the Brawny Man cloned himself six times and hosted his own private key party.
Did you hit "Play"? If so, welcome to Year 0 of your new life. 2012 was 1 B.L.A.T.O. (before "Life at the Outpost"), and 2014 is 1 A.L.A.T.O. Those dudes are so rip-roaringly enthusiastic. It's like someone made a Seven Brides for Seven Brothers porn parody but forgot the brides.
Anyway, this music video is notable for two reasons. First, those guys aren't Skatt Bros. -- the record company instead hired miscellaneous sweaty dudes to lip sync and punch the air.
"My agent swore up and down this was a Marlboro ad."
Second, this song presents a paradox. There's probably no circumstance where it's tasteful to play "Life at the Outpost," modern gay clubs and honky-tonk bars included. (Even a honky-tonk gay bar would likely opt for the safe choice that is Big & Rich's "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.")
But there is also no scenario that wouldn't be vastly improved by this paean to buckaroo gangbangs: house parties, wakes, training montages, Seders, senatorial filibusters, you name it. This is the Sriracha sauce of music.
4"The Body Rules" by Jesse "The Body" Ventura
Sounds Like: Your uncle receiving a lap dance behind a bingo hall.
Throughout his career, Jesse Ventura has been many things: WWF wrestler, statesman, and Sexual Tyrannosaurus. And somewhere between investigating the most patriotic crevasses of Hulk Hogan's body and becoming the governor of Minnesota, Ventura became a bona fide bard.
In 1984, Ventura recorded "The Body Rules," the most stereotypically cock-rock track in the history of rock, stereotypes, and cock. When our descendants make a historically inaccurate Metallica biopic 200 years from now, "The Body Rules" will stand in for all eight songs on Ride the Lightning.
Like a jalopy that can fly, "The Body Rules" is so ramshackle, it's miraculous. The riffs resemble a wild boar suffocating in a dumpster on a hundred-degree July day. The percussion section is a Casio keyboard demo. The vocals amount to confused, threatening mutters. It is a musical masterstroke, Wagnerian in theme, and eclipsed in emotional power only by "Hulkster in Heaven," Hulk Hogan's 1995 gospel ballad dedicated to a Make-A-Wish Foundation child who passed away.
Never has the gulf between heartfelt intention and musical execution been so wide.
But unlike "Hulkster in Heaven," somewhere on this planet there's probably a stripper whose organs failed in 1986 still gyrating listlessly to "The Body Rules," her body animated by the aural ichor of lyrics like "I've got the tools/To deal with fools." It's also a good bet that -- instead of recording his vocals in a studio -- Jesse Ventura yelled them into an unknown answering machine that just so happened to belong to a music producer, and one thing led to another.
[Dials random number] "Hello, is this Hulk Hogan's phone? Dammit, Hogan, you can't hide in this maze of digits forever!"