There are two constants in the life of a celebrity: Your life will be kind of insane, but not nearly as insane as the stories crazy people are going to make up about you. It's as reliable as Rule 34, only with even more madness, somehow. Once you become famous, someone somewhere is going to assume you're an iguana person wearing a badly-made people mask as you plot the world's demise with your fellow Illuminati.
And that's if you get caught in one of the saner theories. Let's take a peek at the skull-crappingly insane, movie-worthy logic behind the claims that ...
#5. Miley Cyrus Was Assassinated By Disney
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There are many descriptive phases one could use about Miley Cyrus, but "dead since 2007" is almost certainly not one of them. Unless you ask the crazy people! In conspiracy theory circles, there is no shortage of theories of the "Miley Cyrus is an ex-person" variety, and some of them don't even have anything to do with her current public personality. Oh, the hows and whys of her supposed end vary. Some say she died in a car accident as early as 2007. Others prefer the "overdose at the pool a couple of years ago" route, while others still manage to locate the most logical reason: Girl was clearly murdered by Disney. I assume they mean the company, but knowing these people, it's just as likely that they suspect that Walt himself rose from his equally bullshit ice grave and Sub-Zeroed her to death.
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Frozen or not, you don't mess with the Mouse.
Around this point, the theories tend to get depressing in the way you can probably imagine: Miley was killed off because she refused to partake in some Disney executive atrocity or another. That or any other imaginary horror scenario based on some interview where she said she'd kind of wanted a more normal childhood, as opposed to Hannah-Montana-ing her way through puberty. But whatever the route to her conspiracy-death, the end result is the same: The lovable chipmunk was caught in a drift store explosion, and what we see now is not the Miley of old, but instead a surgically grafted clone-actress-whatever.
'Course, the people touting this horsecrap utterly forget the most simple reason for Miley's current Mileyness: She's super rich, in her 20's, and living out the childhood she never had a chance to back in her days as a child star. Is there anything in her habits that can't be explained with some combination of those facts? No. Does this matter to the conspiracy crowd? Nope.
#4. Vin Diesel And Jennifer Aniston Are Plotting To Steal Our Movies
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Vin Diesel and Jennifer Aniston are pretty cool, right? The former is a seemingly very nice guy and a notorious geek who is as much One of Us as a musclebound, super-rich Hollywood megastar can possibly be. The latter seems moderately sympathetic for a famous person, and also was, uh, Rachel. Maybe you'll find that cool. I won't judge, much.
However, a man known only as "grandmoviestar" certainly will. According to his far-fetched but admittedly original claim, Diesel and Aniston have actually used their Hollywood powers to make a whole lot of blockbuster movies, such as all four Transformers and Avatar, completely disappear for over a decade -- meaning these films were actually made ten years earlier than we think. How? Why? Because "grandmoviestar" liked Sienna Miller more than Aniston, of course. He knows all this because he played Sergeant Slaughter in a G.I.Joe movie that the duo also magicked into nonexistence. Uncannily, said movie was one of the few that never rematerialized.
Hilariously, "grandmoviestar" also goes out of his way to note that Megan Fox (hitherto totally unmentioned in the theory) doesn't exist, and is actually a composite character played by 23 different people, much in the way Lassie was actually a ton of different dogs.
Via Pop Culture Keys
OK, that one I can sort of buy.
Be honest: Raise your hand if you actually want this theory to be true. My hand's raised, baby, and chances are that yours is, too. Think about it. I doubt many people would complain if the world had 23 times more Megan Fox than we assumed, especially since they appear courteous enough to make exactly as many Michael Bay movies as just one would. Shit, Vin and Jennifer can steal and hide all the Transformers movies they want, for all I care.
Actually, let's make a movie out of that. Who wouldn't pay a significant amount of money to see a film in which Diesel and Aniston sneak around Hollywood stealing and hiding terrible movies, chased by 23 Megan Foxes and a batshit insane man who looks like Sergeant Slaughter? No one, that's who.
#3. Hollywood Is Full Of Immortal Time Travelers
Have you ever noticed how sometimes certain people look a lot like other people? And how some people look a lot like celebrities? Shit, sometimes current famous people even look like famous people of the past. Isn't that funny?
No, it's not, according to conspiracy theorists. There's this weird trend whereby conspiracy buffs automatically assume that almost every single person with a face and a modicum of fame is an immortal overlord, or at the very least an alien reincarnation clone from Ancient Egypt or some shit. I wish I was making that up.
The "Nic Cage and Keanu Reeves are immortal vampire things" theory I've covered before is one subset of this phenomenon. However, they're far from the only ones, and a great whooping way from cracking the Crazy Immortal Time Traveler Theory Top 10. Check it:
Ernest Schrodinger is James Woods? Shit, now I'm really worried about that cat.
Yep, any and every person with fame and a face is bound to end up in one of those lists sooner or later, either as some weird pharaoh time traveler reincarnation or a plain ol' immortal. Hell, let's point out right now that Vincent Van Gogh kind of looks like Chuck Norris, and we can be relatively sure that someone, somewhere is drafting that into a conspiracy. Maybe he's in part two of that video. Chances are, there are plenty out there.
Via Business Insider
It's ... it's uncanny.
Look, there are only so many ways to put a face together, and billions and billions of people have walked the earth over the years. Some folks are going to wind up looking like each other, even if they're not directly related. It's just natural and doesn't mean a thing.
Unless, of course, it does.
Think about the implications if every celebrity was indeed a time-travelin' great person of yesteryear, or a vampire, or some semi-divine immortal being who walks the earth while at the same time being stupid enough to risk getting found out by searching the limelight. Don't you kind of want that to be true, and for the cat to get out of the bag any minute now? The war between humanity and celebrities would be over within a week, no matter how strong and ancient they are -- that kind of bafflingly flawed logic would make beating them ridiculously easy, even with the most rudimentary of "club 'em in the head" tactics.