5 Pop Culture Sex Toys That Can't Be Arousing To Anyone

We're all aware of the way Rule 34 permeates anything and everything, up to and very much including the world of sex toys. It's just that we're also well aware of the uber-jealous way big studios safeguard their precious franchises and their reputation -- if anyone's going to ruin it, it's going to be them, thank you very much.

Does this prospect of rampant lawyerin' from major industry players do anything to deter entrepreneurial sex toy makers from using the likenesses of pop culture characters we all know and love? Evidently not, because people currently have the option to rub their genitals all over ...

#5. Doctor Who


Out of all the characters on this list, the Doctor is perhaps the only one whose presence makes at least some inkling of sense. He's been played by enough actors that virtually anyone who's into dudes at all can find one of his incarnations sexy. Even better, his signature weapon / deus ex machina, the sonic screwdriver, is basically a superpowered dildo. Called a sonic screwdriver. It's right there, people! Surely the vast and sticky world of rogue sex toy manufacturers is teeming with buzzing versions of the thing.

Or not. Perhaps fearing that someone would assume they're underachieving, or even worse, that they can't come up with a sexier name than the one the thing already has, no sex toy makers that I could find have taken the bait and created flashing, multi-functioning Doctor-themed vibrators. Instead, here's a goddamned TARDIS butt plug. That ... doesn't even make any sense. Why would you want to stick the hero's clunky vehicle in your butt? Ah, that was stupid of me to ask. We live in a world where Pteranodon porn is a thing, so I suppose I should be grateful that's not an actual replica. Then again, I'm pretty sure someone, somewhere, is shoving a TARDIS scale model up their butt right now, so uh, let's not pursue that train of thought any longer.

And of course that damn Etsy plug is not the only TARDIS-related Doctor Who sex toy out there. Consider the Tickler, which is a custom-designed TARDIS dildo, because really, did you expect anything else?

Toymaker Project
Somewhere in there, a tiny Peter Capaldi has been screaming "Nooooooooo!" continuously for a decade.

Yes, now you too can own and/or commission your very own TARDIS trapped in the mass of a rather suspect, semi-transparent orifice mauler, allowing you to finally grant the good Doctor a view he's guaranteed to not have seen before in his however-the-hell-old-he-is-after-last-season years of zipping across the universe. Are you happy now? Actually, don't answer that.

#4. Star Wars


The picture above is the saddest BDSM toy that you'll ever see: a lightsaber-inspired spanking whip. Please let that sentence sink in for a moment. Star Wars is arguably the least sexy popular franchise in the history of entertainment. Apart from Leia's fleeting gold bikini antics and that one slave girl who gets fed to the rancor in Return Of The Jedi, there are precious few things that could be considered "hot" in the traditional sense. Except for Han Solo. Everyone agrees that Han Solo is hot -- or that he was, until Harrison Ford got that earring and turned 167. So, you know, not much sexiness going around, as franchises go.

You know what else is the exact opposite of hot? Fifty Shades Of Grey. Alas, this glorified fan fiction is ruling current mainstream culture with an iron claw, and has misled enough confused people about what BDSM is (Hint: It's nothing like Fifty Shades Of Grey) to turn marginal spankin' gear like paddles and whips into products that you can casually pick up at Target. They're even put on displays that the kind of people who read horrible wank literature can drool herpes over.

So, according to the laws of batshit madness, it was merely a matter of time before someone took the "Hey, spanking is popular now" ball and jammed it up the butt of another, equally unsexy franchise. The end result is lightsaber whips.

Sex! What, no? Good call.

Note that I'm not saying they're bad products; just bad sex toys. Be honest: Would you use a lightsaber whip? Yes. I know I would. But for sex? Shit no. That thing is for drunkenly Indiana Jonesin' apples off the top of friends' heads while everyone makes lightsaber noises with their mouths -- at least, until one friend is accidentally smacked across the face and retaliates by dropkicking you out of the window. Maybe you'll find that sexy. I won't judge.

#3. Batman


You know what they say: If you can be Batman, always be Batman. So you know what? Fuck it. Be Batman. Take the Caped Cock dildo as your batarang, imagine for a while that your rusting 1970s Yugo is the Batmobile, and head for Taiwan. Why Taiwan? Because of the hotel with a sex Batcave.

High Snobiety
The hotel rents the room by the hour, because of course it does.

By now, you know where this is going. You've seen your share of Halloweens, so you know how many slutty Batman and Joker and Harley Quinn and Catwoman costumes there are out there. Chances are you have at least one in your closet right now. So go and get changed. The time has come to bone Batman style, which, as we all know, is serious, latex-coated, and involves a lot of changing partners. Just remember to keep up the mood by grabbing a Batman voice modulator so you can whisper sweet nothings to your significant other with the unmistakable, throat-cancery gravel gurgle of movie Batmen.

Namely, this one. Keeps up the Adam West mood.

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Pauli Poisuo

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