4 Inexplicably Huge Internet Trends
Imagine that, on your way to the grocery store, you took a wrong turn and ended up in a neighborhood you'd never seen before. Everyone speaks a language that doesn't sound like any language you'd ever heard before. They wear capes, they eat only fish. They have a completely functioning economy, but it's entirely based on sticks. They've invented their own musical instruments, they have their own celebrities and politicians, and they have a bunch movies that are kind of like ours, but tweaked in some way. You're shocked, because it means these people have been successfully living with their own set of rules and laws, their own problems, their own history, and their own pop culture for years and years and you've only just discovered them. And they're just two blocks away from you!
That's exactly how I feel about the internet sometimes. I've spent a lot of time online, enough time that I feel like I understand it or, failing that, am at least aware of every fringe group that hangs out here. But every time I feel like I've finally encountered every bizarre, dedicated fan forum, every pointless meme, and every inexplicable fetish site, I'll stumble onto something new that completely throws me for a loop. I'll find some site or forum or video series that introduces me to a brand new niche community, a group of people from all over the world with their own interests, rules and behaviors, and they've existed on the internet for years, right around the corner from me.
Here are four of them.
#4. Why Is Christopher Meloni Trying To Have Sex With Me In Every Picture on Google
Christopher Meloni is a fine actor. Maybe you know him from Oz or his cameos in both of the Harold and Kumar movies. If you're me, you know him as the hilariously insane Gene from Wet Hot American Summer or the intense and constantly angry Detective Stabler on Law & Order: SVU. A while ago I was doing photo research for some Cracked article and knew I needed a photo of Det. Stabler looking badass and angry, which he does a lot. So I did a Google Image Search on "Christopher Meloni."
This... this isn't what I was looking for.
Those are all of the first, above-the-fold results for Christopher Meloni. I didn't type "Meloni shirtless" or "Meloni in bed" or "Christopher Meloni taking Majestic Shower."
Just regular "Christopher Meloni." And those were the results. I won't deny that he's a handsome man, but there are a lot of handsome fake detectives, and not all of them have an alarming number of "I just got done fucking you on a cloud" pictures, (or if they do, those pictures certainly aren't in their top search returns). I wouldn't be surprised if Google turned back a bunch of forcefully romantic, shirtless pictures of some teen heartthrob, but Stabler? Freakshow from Harold and Kumar? Why? Did an Ad Executive say "We've got a great new season of SVU coming out; let's get a couple of photos of Meloni lying on a white, plush carpet immediately post coital to promote it. Meloni, get your shirt off."
Law & Order is one of the most popular franchises on television. SVU has been on for 12 years and Stabler is arguably Meloni's most well-known role, so why do I have to sift through a dozen soft-focus pictures of Meloni eye-fucking the camera before I can find one of him with a god damned detective badge?
It's not just that these pictures were all taken, (although, yes, weird), it's that they're all the top results for "Christopher Meloni." Which means more people are searching for Meloni specifically to see him in some majestic, aggressively romantic pose than anything having to do with his career.
I don't know why. I don't care to know why. And, for the record I changed my search term to "Detective Stabler" in an effort to receive only pictures of the angry, tough-as-nails detective. My first two results?
Perfect.
#3. Why Is Flickr Full of Bleeding Nipples?
WARNING. The space below this paragraph contains pictures of bleeding nipples. Also, the space immediately above it. I'm really bad at giving disclaimers.
Look out!
One of the awful, awful downsides to running a marathon is "bleeding nipples," or what doctors call "when blood comes from your nipple after you run." Running for a long time causes sweat, which is water and salt, (and other stuff, shut up). When the water part of sweat evaporates, you're left with the salt part of sweat. Salt on your skin mixed with friction mixed with your shirt feels like sand paper rubbing against your nipples, which causes them to bleed and get rubbed right off. We've covered this before, but we haven't really covered the community that's emerged as a result.
The above picture comes from a Flickr account, but not just some marathon-runner's personal account. It's a Flickr account that exclusively features pictures of bleeding nipples.
Again, finding this Flickr account, (and the many others just like it), felt like stumbling onto that mystery community on the way to the grocery store. "You take pictures of bloody nipples and post them to the internet? And you want to share them? And there are more of you and you all found each other?? Where have I been?"
"We- You don't have to point, man, we know why this picture exists, here."
I've only seen haul videos when they're somewhat relevant to the "theme" of the overall blog - like if everyone watches your channel for makeup tips they are excited about what you buy at Sephora or the drugstore, and if it's a knitting blog they're excited about what yarn you bought. I... Live a very feminine yet boring life, huh?
ReplyBut I was as lost as you with the rest, and I love your description of that "huh, how was this here the whole time?" feeling. It's not that you don't know weirder stuff, it's just you EXPECT it to be weirder than a bunch of people who are super into head tilting.
Is it normal to feel ashamed of yourself for using the internet, after reading this?
ReplyNope, the shame you should be feeling has to do with knowing that you're the same species as the people that are all about bleeding nipples.
Well, we take pleasure in showing our purchases to whatever part of our social circle happens to be standing there shortly after we bough it. But now, our social circle may appear to include whoever we reach on the internet. So, naturally...haul videos occur.
Replyummm. I'm not sure you understand how searching works.
ReplyIf someone names their video "my dog tilts his head all cute like" and you find that video by searching for "dog head tilt" that doesn't mean that there's a group of people obsessed with these pictures. Or even that there is a "community" of people posting these pictures.
it just means that "dog head tilt" is obviously going to bring up pictures of dogs tilting their heads. you're "why I think it's weird" example is one weird video where the uploader seems to think the dog tilting his head is more noteworthy than that same dog hanging out with baby chicks. how is that a trend?
You're very astute summary of SEO and keywords aside, this article is not asking why videos of dogs tilting their heads show up when one searches for the terms "dogs", "tilting", and "heads" (hint: You're right, it's not magic) but why there are SO MANY videos of them, and why they each have SO MANY VIEWS!!!
Some haul videos are actually due to implied contracts with the brand/store/etc that the person is "advertising". They are basically given free stuff to just talk about it on the interwebs.
ReplyI thought dying was the worst thing that could result from running a marathon...
ReplyWhat the f**k and why?!
ReplyWhat I don't get is "unboxing" videos. These are always done by young guys where they pull open their new purchase like they're gutting a fish.
ReplyLike, "Here's my new copy of Marvel vs. Capcom 3. First I cut off the wrapper then I open the box. Inside there's a disk and a little booklet. Thank you and good night!!"
They aren't doing a product review, they don't comment on the quality of their purchase. They're simply sharing pleasure in removing the packaging.
That's the first time I've ever heard the phrase 'Majestic Shower,' but it is an EXACT description to be used on all stock photos from this day forth.
Reply#1 is how women whose love language is "Words of Affirmation" get their affirming words for the day. I've known a few women who show off what they bought and why they bought it just to get praise for doing well on their shopping trip...well, that's my theory, anyway.
Replyi dont get haul videos. i sometimes look at the videos for how to do a certain make up look or a certain hairstyle and they'll tell you the products they used but...i think the people the subscribe to haul videos are lonely horny guys.
ReplyDan, after reading your article I have come to this conclusion. You are not familiar with the female species. Every single one of these is some kind of internet niche for women. I just really hope my girlfriend isn't into bleeding nipples.
ReplyI disagree. This is only an internet niche for superficial, stagnant, lonely women. Most, but not all women fall under this category. LOL.
I can tell you about #1. Every time people go to the store, they want to show off every last damn thing they bought to someone. And these peoples' spouses or boy/girlfriends are probably sick of hearing about it. But Internet always wants to listen.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAlso, for #4, try doing a search for any actress and see what kind of pictures you get. Hell, even look up Helen Mirren and you get plenty of bikini and near-nude pictures.
Helen Mirren near-nude? GOOGLE, here I come!
I can honestly say the only times I want to show off a new purchase if I just got back from Gamestop or a head shop
Yep, Themsexpress, and lots of people do haul videos for Gamestop. It's just that there are also people that are that excited about makeup and whatnot.
Where's Nyan Cat?
ReplyThere are several explanations for Nyan Cat's popularity. I don't know which one is right, though.
Nyan Cat is also a meme, not a trend.
lol the fudge or post it note store pic is a piece of sultana soap from lush frickin awesome but if i know anyone personally who has done a haul video im going to punch them in the vagina...
ReplyAgreed! And I'm a woman! Ahaha.
I have to admit, the "haul" thing reminds me of what I tend to do any time I go to the store. I can't help but rattle off all the things I got to whichever roommate's unlucky enough to be nearby, telling them what deals I found and stuff like that. I have no idea why I do it.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesI do the exact same thing to my husband every time I get home from the store. I don't know why, either. Maybe Haul videos are what people do when they don't have anyone unfortunate enough to be home when they get back.
Your roomates/husbands ponder smothering you with a pillow as you sleep every night.
It probably made sense back when we were gathering berries and stuff. "I dug up these edible tubers 500 meters from the Great Tree, because they are sweeter than tubers elsewhere, and in shallower dirt. I also brought back some of the bark, because my friend Zogina thinks that I can use it to fix my fence.
haha I do that too. The sad thing is, I realize it's not interesting to anyone but me but I just can't stop talking about it. It's not so much a word vomit as it is a word diarrhea
It's because you've done something that excited you and made you happy, and you want to share that excitement and happiness with other people. Natural social inclination. Like when someone is eating something delicious and they ask their friends to try a taste of it. "I enjoy this. I want you to enjoy it, too, so that I can enjoy things I like with people I like."
The dog with the chicks is Sharky, a very friendly pit bull. His owner's channel is basically dedicated to him being cute with her menagerie of other cute pets.
ReplyYup, Sharky's always being cute with other animals, so tagging a vid of his as "Pit bull cuddling baby chicks" would be repetitive, whereas the "head tilt" tag is something different. But then I'm a dork who loves meaningless cute animal vids.
*Pretentiousness activated*
ReplyDogs tilting their hands is a very weird thing, and you are rightly concerned. Well done.
Why Is The f**k Are Haul Videos A Thing? The preceding is not a coherent sentence in the English language.
*Pretentiousness deactivated*
I think it's a typo. It's probably meant to be "Why IN The Fuck"
Personally, the haul videos are the only ones that I can see any logic in - Not that they appeal to me (kinda being the polar opposite of the assumed audience) but I'd imagine their appeal might lie in being similar to window shopping
ReplyYeah thats what i was thinking. Basically its seeing what people actually buy opposed to what the media tells you to buy.... wait a minute... the internet is a form of media.
I think I can relate to literally everything but the bleeding nipple fandom
Replywhat?