25 Honest Lunchbox Letters From Parents to Children
Behind the picket fences and bay windows of America's affluence, a war is raging. Parents are locked in a heated battle with each other that is somehow ugly, vicious and spectacularly boring all at the same time; it is the fight over who can love their kids the hardest. The battle grounds are parks, play dates and birthday parties where Moms and dads wield violins, Latin Language DVDs and thousand dollar strollers like weapons built exclusively to shame and belittle anyone else who has the audacity to call themselves a good parent. And just like any war, the only real winners are the arms dealers. Toddler clothing boutiques, and asinine product manufacturers have no allegiance except to profit, and they will forever spit out new products that offer conspicuous superiority for the parents who can afford them. Oh, and for kids. They are also for kids.
...Somehow.
The newest addition to this arsenal is the lunchbox letter. Some parents have been putting notes in kids' lunchboxes for decades, presumably to remind the other children in the cafeteria what real love looks like, or to teach their own child the fundamentals of taking a punch. But until recently, parents were using this method to embarrass their children for free. Not anymore. Pottery Barn, Target and a handful of small vendors have alleviated mothers and fathers the hassle of loving their kid on paper by doing it for them. They've compiled hundreds of benign phrases like "You're so creative!" or "I love how smart you are!" and printed them on card stock which parents can cram between thermoses and carrot sticks regardless of how untrue they may be. These companies have stolen what was once a spontaneous act of affection and used it to perpetuate the status competition between parents instead. I cannot abide.
"When you're at school, don't forget I exist!"
In retaliation I've repurposed 25 of the highest selling, most expensive cards and now I offer them to any parent with a printer and scissors. I think you will find that mine are not only intimate and suited for every occasion, they are also hundred times more free. I guarantee that when the other kids in the cafeteria see these refreshing nuggets of honesty, they will run home to plead with their own parents for notes just like them. In the end, isn't that what you really want?
My mom would draw pictures of flowers on the paper bags I used to take my lunch in. I still have some of them!
ReplyAs soon as I saw this I was hoping for on that said something along the lines of, "Sorry I ate your lunch, but here's a picture of it." If I got that, I wouldn't mind not having a lunch. Well, maybe.
ReplyI never got notes because I always packed my own lunch. I've been responsible for all my meals (except dinner, most of the time) since kindergarten.
ReplyMy Mom used to draw pictures on my napkins. Once, the day after I'd tried (and failed) to catch a bird in my front yard using a trap made out of a cardboard box, she drew a picture of an ostrich caught in my trap. That was a cool note.
ReplyYour mother and I thought it was time to tell you your adopted have a nice day
ReplyAlso, feel free to sprinkle some punctuation anywhere in that sentence.
my mom once packed me one of those alcohol chocolates thinking it was just regular chocolate. i guess that's like love right?
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesthat's the best love
THEY HAVE ALCOHOL CHOCOLATES?????
My mother didn't realize they were alcoholic until she had been feeding them to us for years. Which is great, because she's super anti-alcohol.
i honestly didn't know parents put notes in their childrens lunch till today i always bought my lunch at school.
ReplyTo the down-voters: Seriously? Why, because he got lunch at school? Because he wasn't in the "note from mom" club? People down-vote for the stupidest s**t on this website.
I down-voted you because you complained.
Thumbs up to the other guy, though.
The only word I can think of to describe a practice such as this is "American."
ReplyI'm sorry, but pre-written kid-appreciation notes? Why? Are the kids so pathetic that they can't go a few hours without mommy reminding them that they're special little flowers?
Having said that though, I'd buy Sorenb's notes anyday.
Well, from what I know, notes mostly just said 'love you!' not 'you're so special your mommies little sunshine angel gooey gooey mush mush!'
Not to mention that none of the ones you can buy are personalized or obviously heartfelt in any way. That kind of mass-commercialization of store-bought love is the American part.
"Your training is nearly complete. One of these items is poisoned. Choose wisely." Genius. x'D These remind me of those stupid Hallmark cards that are made just for motivating kids. So corny.
ReplyIn the future, parents are going to have to start putting puppies in their children's lunchboxes.
ReplyHoly Fuck, all of those were so f*****g awesome! Soren I LOVE YOU!
ReplyMy mom would only put notes in my lunch if I was particularly depressed that week or if she had something she needed me to do after school.
Reply"Remember when I'm old". . .I think I'll start putting that one in their lunchboxes every day!
ReplyAmazing! I'm sending these to my mum, who always thought lunch notes were stupid. The only note she ever wrote was the note the school required for our earthquake kits. Possibly the most maudlin thing ever, especially in my school district where most of the kids will never make it out of the rubble of 100 year old buildings to read them.
ReplyThe one addressed to the bullies strikes me as part of an elaborate scheme of glorious, gruesome revenge.
ReplyYes, the lunch in question is probably filled with laxatives, at the very least.
I was busy laughing at all of these notes when I got to the bottom of page 1 and saw that horrifying advertisement of Nicole Kidman...my laughter died...instantly.
ReplyI don't know why, but these kinda made me sad instead of making me laugh...
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesA few of them seem to come from single parents, that's what did it for me. Either that or cheating spouses, which is also a downer.
Those are the best.
Same here. The one about how no one will love you as much as [I] do was depressing.
OTOH, some of the others weren't bad, like the "I can be proud of you even if you're not the best at anything".
@Eris
Really? "I can be proud of you even if you're not the best at anything." made me sad. Probably because I'm not the best at anything, but still.
To be honest, the depressing ones kinda ruined the funny of the others for me. It's hard to laugh when you're still thinking about the poor kid who gets bullied every day.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesOh get off your high horse, they were all hilarious. Youre thinking too much to be looking at Cracked...
It's dark humor. It's funny and depressing at the same time, kind of like how kettle corn is sweet and salty.
Mmm kettle corn...
*right click* *save as" *print* I'm filing these away for when I have kids. Thanks, Soren!!! :)
ReplyCome to think of it, these seem like some notes that John cheese would leave for his kids. It's good for them.
Jeeez, pre-printed "spontaneous" lunch box notes from Pottery Barn are really going to make your kids feel special. Especially if you make a point to tell them how much money they cost you.
ReplyInstead of a note, they should just show the price tag.