Behind the picket fences and bay windows of America's affluence, a war is raging. Parents are locked in a heated battle with each other that is somehow ugly, vicious and spectacularly boring all at the same time; it is the fight over who can love their kids the hardest. The battle grounds are parks, play dates and birthday parties where Moms and dads wield violins, Latin Language DVDs and thousand dollar strollers like weapons built exclusively to shame and belittle anyone else who has the audacity to call themselves a good parent. And just like any war, the only real winners are the arms dealers. Toddler clothing boutiques, and asinine product manufacturers have no allegiance except to profit, and they will forever spit out new products that offer conspicuous superiority for the parents who can afford them. Oh, and for kids. They are also for kids.

D&G UNIOR

...Somehow.

The newest addition to this arsenal is the lunchbox letter. Some parents have been putting notes in kids' lunchboxes for decades, presumably to remind the other children in the cafeteria what real love looks like, or to teach their own child the fundamentals of taking a punch. But until recently, parents were using this method to embarrass their children for free. Not anymore. Pottery Barn, Target and a handful of small vendors have alleviated mothers and fathers the hassle of loving their kid on paper by doing it for them. They've compiled hundreds of benign phrases like "You're so creative!" or "I love how smart you are!" and printed them on card stock which parents can cram between thermoses and carrot sticks regardless of how untrue they may be. These companies have stolen what was once a spontaneous act of affection and used it to perpetuate the status competition between parents instead. I cannot abide.

Rice O spending I love with you time
"When you're at school, don't forget I exist!"


In retaliation I've repurposed 25 of the highest selling, most expensive cards and now I offer them to any parent with a printer and scissors. I think you will find that mine are not only intimate and suited for every occasion, they are also hundred times more free. I guarantee that when the other kids in the cafeteria see these refreshing nuggets of honesty, they will run home to plead with their own parents for notes just like them. In the end, isn't that what you really want?

A SANDWICH! For the son I wouldn't shoot if I was forced to Kill one of my kids!


25 Honest Lunchbox Letters From Parents to Children


I know you Saw me hug your step brother this morning- (1 waS thinking of you the whole time!)


25 Honest Lunchbox Letters From Parents to Children


You're SO much fun to be around when you are tired!


No one will ever loVE you more than I do, from now until the day you die! FERT


Good news: You're not allergic to peanuts! I waited until now to tell you So this PBJ could be extra special!


Here's an extra pudding snack, just between me and you. I bet your mom's new girlfriend doesn't let you have two.


I'm sorry we yelled at you. our mom made ne because she's S jealous of how pretty you aee.


Remember, be Strong and save your tears no matter what happens! You are going to need them when you get older.


I made this perfect sandwich in 12 seconds to teach you that trying your hardest isn't always the same thing as doing a good job.


I will always love you no matter what! OO (please pass this Card along to your father when you see him this weekend).


sometimes being beautiful is enough!



Hi honey! I'm sorry 1I packed you d smaller lunch today. Go make up for it, I ineluded lots more love because no one has ever gotten fat off that.


You have d great big heart! so remember what the doctors said about over-e. over-exerting yourself.


Don't forget everything I've done for you when I am Old!


25 Honest Lunchbox Letters From Parents to Children


By the time you read this I will be gone. Just kidding! You couldn't possibly survive on your own. Remember that.


Your adopted sister will never be as important to us as you are because she is not real family. Please Share with her Whatever portion of your lunch y


25 Honest Lunchbox Letters From Parents to Children


1 just want you to know that I can still be proud of you even when you are not the best at anything.


I love you! Let's both do oue best not to be racist today!


Dear bullies, My son will be having a birthday party this month and you are invited. Please give his lunch box back when you are done with it.


Be nice to your teachers today. A lot of bad decisions led them to this point.


Good News! Your mother and I are staying together until you graduate!


You can follow Soren Bowie on twitter. Or, if you already are, make a brand new account and relive the magic of following him for the first time.


Get More of This!

Sign up for the One Cracked Fact newsletter to get even more craziness from our weird world sent to your inbox every day!

Forgot Password?