So, a few months ago I was flirting with a dude by talking about how, despite not totally understanding the appeal, I find balloon fetishes to be adorably non-threatening because I am a fucking catch and love running my mouth, especially after courting my one true love, $9 plastic handles of vodka.
Anyway, mid-conversation, I realized I couldn't think of any other fetishes that I would consider lovably wacky so, as any other 20-something who literally cannot remember or fathom life without the Internet would do, I Googled "list of fetishes." The list I came across, entitled "Examples of Common Kinks, Tropes, Cliches, and Fetishes," turned my misguided but coherent tangent about balloons and sex into five minutes of an elated dramatic reading of my favorite parts of the list, punctuated by incessant cackling.
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Cosmo Tip #439: Aggressively cackle.
I bookmarked this list as "For when you're sad. I love you," because I'm a poor man's alcoholic manic pixie dream girl. Just a heads-up: if you click on the list, expect to find more than 400 fetishes, many with multiple subgenres, including lots of truly unsettling fetishes, some that involve straight-up non-consensual behavior. Nobody needs that shit. Instead, just read this brief rundown of all the important, not horrible parts. I wrote it for you, for when you're sad. I love you.
Fetish #8: Aliens Make Them Have Sex
Subgenres: fuck or die, fertility rituals, intoxication, taking one for the team
Yes, there are more than 400 fetishes on the list, but the second I read this one, just eight entries in, I knew something fucking beautiful was about to happen. I understand how power-play stuff gets people's downstairs uglies all ready to bump, but how the fuck did aliens get involved?
"We come in peace. Get it?!?!?!"
How do you even set up this scene? Does it require more than two people, because who gets to play the alien? Is playing the alien the shitty role because you don't actually get to participate in any of this hot, sexy fertility ritual? What team? I genuinely would love to know all of these things.
Fetish #119: Docking
It took 111 more entries worth of scrolling until I found another that made me dramatically side-eye my computer like that evil squirrel video.
Look, I consider myself pretty aware of people's weird sex stuff, mostly because I fucking love that Strange Sex show so much that I've had two separate first dates that involved playing the Strange Sex drinking game I invented alone in my basement this summer at like 3 p.m. on a Tuesday.
Watching Strange Sex while drunk in a basement is the entire game.
Given that, I was initially sort of irritated that I didn't know what docking was and petulantly sulked for the 30 seconds it took me to find it on Urban Dictionary. Then, I screeched in utter delight, the way babies do when they realize that you're still there during a game of peek-a-boo, except with more "shoving your dick in another person's foreskin."
Fetish #168: Girls
Subgenres: dancing girls, cat-girls, schoolgirls, bishoujo, magical girls, cheerleaders (see also: bad girls, good girls)
I just genuinely love that "girls" is its own entry. Shortly before reading this list, I was trying to explain to a friend of mine how much I love the Baconzilla from Checkers (or Rally's, for all you motherfuckers on the West Coast).
She asked me, in complete seriousness, if I had to choose between sex or the Baconzilla, which would I chose? Immediately, I asked if she just meant sex with guys or sex with anyone ever. Because if she meant giving up only sex with guys, throw me a funeral for dick at the nearest Checkers. Giving up all sex with anyone would make it a harder decision, which I emphasized by drunkenly screaming, "Have you ever fucking seen a girl?!"
Fetish #178: Happiness
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Subgenres: startled joy, passionate gratitude, ecstasy, comfort, happy endings
My first crush was the depressed dough ball from those Zoloft commercials, and this just makes me desperately hope that there's fan fiction written about him somewhere.
Maybe he gets his serotonin levels in check and gets his little dough-ball world rocked by someone he genuinely loves and cares for. They have little dumpling babies. There are ups and downs, there are money issues, they fight about private schools and grandparents and when their dumplings get to have cellphones.
I'm happy for him. I really am.
At the end of the day, though, they are one of those couples that BuzzFeed posts YouTube videos about once they're all old and wrinkly and still so very in love. Then all of the comments are stupid shit about ninjas cutting onions and I kinda hate myself for hating those people. Maybe happiness isn't my fetish.
Fetish #191: Humor as a Mask
Subgenre: characters who hide pain behind humor
Oh, man. This is going downhill fast ... doesn't everyone already do this? It's not just me, is it? Is this really unusual enough to be a fetish? Fuck. This is like when I had dinner at someone else's house for the first time when I was a kid and thought it was really weird that nobody looked like they were questioning every choice they'd ever made that got them to that point in life.
Fetish #204: Jewelry
Subgenres: decorative and/or symbolic, wedding rings, earrings, slave bracelets, piercings
And we're back up! I could play into this fetish by showing people all the scars I have from when I was 16 and got shitty piercings done in some basement somewhere by a dude named Bryan.
All fun starts in the basement.
Alternatively, we could get drunk playing the Strange Sex drinking game and then go get piercings from a dude named Bryan as a first date.