10 Movie Pitches For the Producers of Gnomeo & Juliet
A new animated movie is coming out tomorrow, Gnomeo & Juliet. It's pretty obvious that it only exists because someone thought of the punny title and assumed that meant it needed to be a movie. Here are my own suggestions for titles-that-shouldn't-be-movies. All in EYE-POPPING 3D, they are based on history, classic literature, and some of Shakespeare's other plays. Hollywood, feel free to send my check to Please Don't Actually Make These, California.
John Wilkes Tooth
A disgruntled tooth sets out to assassinate the Uvula during a production of Our American Tongue's In.
Clamtony and CleoRatra
A clam and a rat are in love. We could do jokes about the clam giving the rat pearls, because "clams". The rat is diseased. They kill themselves at slightly different times in slightly different ways, but we can maybe do a musical number so kids don't shit themselves about it.
Beowolf
You know, like Beowulf. Make a lot of the characters wolves, but make sure they're cute wolves. None of that snarling scary wolf kind of thing. Also, maybe a few dogs?
Titus Anprawnicus
A shrimp vows revenge on another shrimp. All of the shrimp are pretty horrible dicks to each other. At one point, a shrimp eats shrimp. Fucked up, I know, but we could maybe make it kid-friendly if we give each shrimp a sidekick. Like a bunch of singing seahorses or something. Oh, and at one point a shrimp is raped by two shrimp.
Julibuzz Beeser
Bees plan the assassination of the main bee. Brutbuzz's wife, Hornetia, kills herself by swallowing hot honey. Pretty good start. Needs more bee jokes. Maybe something with "wasp". Or just "buzz" again. I don't know, something with bees.
Huckleberry Fins
A fish helps Nigger Jim
Slave Jim
Nigger Fish
another fish escape from a fish tank. They swim for a long time, singing about freedom until they are as free as they sang about wanting to be all those times.
Shakespeare's Sonnets, But With Beavers
"How shall I compare thee to a summer's dam?" Sweet tag-line. Take that and roll with it. Beavers have funny tails, too. We can get kids to laugh at their funny tails.
Much Ado About Coughing
Two pairs of germs are dating. One pair is mean, the other is nice. At the end, they all capture the evil white blood cell and then sing about being germs.
A Midsummer's Ice Cream
Anthropomorphic ice cream cones do something or other. No ideas on our end. We'll make sure the screenwriter reads the original before getting to work. He/she should write the script in a weekend.
Hamlet
A bunch of pigs kill each other.
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Titus Anprawnicus made me laugh hard...then it made me hungry.
ReplyLol'ed at Hamlet.
ReplyDude, I would totally watch "Titus Anprawnicus" if they made it.
ReplyI wonder if in Gnomeo and Juliet there's as many murders and suicides as the original. Does anybody drink poison or kill anyone in a duel? Than it might be worth... renting... from Redbox... for a dollar...
ReplyPut you're ear to the ground. Listen, do you hear the hum? That's the Bard spinning fast than ferrari's tires
Hamlet still gets me every time xD
ReplyDamn you Cody! This could've been way funnier.
ReplyDamn you BarackPajama! This comment could've been in some way useful.
Huckleberry Fin was f**king gold man =D
ReplyHamlet happens every day anyway. Also, "Beowolf" would probably be 1000 times better and more accurate than half of the Beowulf movie adaptations.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesthe most recent adaptation is not accurate, but cleverly ensures that all storytelling characters or other people who might pass on details are only given the version of the tale that is in the book.
assuming we can even be "accurate" to a text that varies by translation. anyone up for a film in old english?
the most recent adaptation is not accurate, but cleverly ensures that all storytelling characters or other people who might pass on details are only given the version of the tale that is in the book.
assuming we can even be "accurate" to a text that varies by translation. anyone up for a film in old english?
anaris, I would f*****g love to see a version of Beowulf in old English. With subtitles of course. I would pay to see that any day, it would be so badass.
For Beowolf they could just plagerize Balto, and it would be the most awsome thing ever. Except racing for that town, it's viking gold. Also, viking dog helmets.
ReplyI think I'm in love.
Beowolf and Hamlet could work.
Replywasn't golden comedy, but n****r fish had me rolling on the floor
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesCongratulations,
The test shows you're "Racist Positive"
you might need to see a pharmasist about that
Maybe he's laughing at the absurdity of N-word Fish and how it really isn't more absurd than the original N-word Jim. It's unlikely he's laughing because calling fish n-words is funny to him.
Someone rolled out of bed one morning, realized they were supposed to be emailing their movie idea, and desperately typed whatever came to mind into their phone hoping autocorrect would do the rest.
ReplyVictory.
this is totally promotional huh,
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIt's like When I was watching afv a week or so ago. They did one of their video montages, which I usually find hilarious. A goofy, feel-good but fitting song is given to a collection of similar videos and as it rolls the music actually helps maximize the humor. Well this one episode, The host clarified the song information before the montage, which he never does...ever. No surprise, it was a Miley Cirus song that Disney was using AFV to promote. The sound was crystal clear as no montage music had ever been before, and the videos compiled were hardly related...
and were, unlike this article, not funny at all.
Cracked, as long as you keep making me laugh I don't care what you promote. Just don't be like afv.
Does America's Funniest Home Videos still exist? I haven't seen it around since That one hot chick hosted it, or mabye that grey-haired guy?
I miss Bob Saget.
BucketOfTruth: you mean Tom Bergeron? yeah, he still hosts it.
funny, but I totally wanted to see fake movie posters for these! it just seems kinda empty without them...
ReplyYour crossouts on the Huckleberry Fins entry made me laugh. Seriously, it would be really hard to remake that story in any way these days.
Replyni**er fish.
Replynow thats funny!
Beowolf is only a matter of time. :V
ReplyI would totally watch Hamlet.
One of those lazy days, Cody?
ReplyNice setup but needed a lot more work.
lots of lolz @ this.
ReplyYanno, seriously, the "Beowolf" one might actually work. Like that Robin Hood one with the foxes. That was okay.
ReplyNo, that movie sucked.