10 Movie Pitches For the Producers of Gnomeo & Juliet

A new animated movie is coming out tomorrow, Gnomeo & Juliet. It's pretty obvious that it only exists because someone thought of the punny title and assumed that meant it needed to be a movie. Here are my own suggestions for titles-that-shouldn't-be-movies. All in EYE-POPPING 3D, they are based on history, classic literature, and some of Shakespeare's other plays. Hollywood, feel free to send my check to Please Don't Actually Make These, California.

John Wilkes Tooth

A disgruntled tooth sets out to assassinate the Uvula during a production of Our American Tongue's In.

Clamtony and CleoRatra

A clam and a rat are in love. We could do jokes about the clam giving the rat pearls, because "clams". The rat is diseased. They kill themselves at slightly different times in slightly different ways, but we can maybe do a musical number so kids don't shit themselves about it.

Beowolf

You know, like Beowulf. Make a lot of the characters wolves, but make sure they're cute wolves. None of that snarling scary wolf kind of thing. Also, maybe a few dogs?

Titus Anprawnicus

A shrimp vows revenge on another shrimp. All of the shrimp are pretty horrible dicks to each other. At one point, a shrimp eats shrimp. Fucked up, I know, but we could maybe make it kid-friendly if we give each shrimp a sidekick. Like a bunch of singing seahorses or something. Oh, and at one point a shrimp is raped by two shrimp.

Julibuzz Beeser

Bees plan the assassination of the main bee. Brutbuzz's wife, Hornetia, kills herself by swallowing hot honey. Pretty good start. Needs more bee jokes. Maybe something with "wasp". Or just "buzz" again. I don't know, something with bees.

Huckleberry Fins

A fish helps ~~Nigger Jim~~

~~Slave Jim~~

~~Nigger Fish~~

another fish escape from a fish tank. They swim for a long time, singing about freedom until they are as free as they sang about wanting to be all those times.

Shakespeare's Sonnets, But With Beavers

"How shall I compare thee to a summer's dam?" Sweet tag-line. Take that and roll with it. Beavers have funny tails, too. We can get kids to laugh at their funny tails.

Much Ado About Coughing

Two pairs of germs are dating. One pair is mean, the other is nice. At the end, they all capture the evil white blood cell and then sing about being germs.

A Midsummer's Ice Cream

Anthropomorphic ice cream cones do something or other. No ideas on our end. We'll make sure the screenwriter reads the original before getting to work. He/she should write the script in a weekend.

Hamlet

A bunch of pigs kill each other.

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