When the publishing world exploded with news of my three-book deal, most assumed the news pertained to my forthcoming Notes from the Internet Apocalypse trilogy (also available for pre-order for your Nooks and Kindles). But it turns out I also have another series of books. Yes, my ever popular Celebrity Sex Positions publications! So without further ado, here are some entries from the third (and probably final) installment.
Available for pre-order!
#10. Ryan-Gosling the Ladies
Not only do the ladies love Ryan Gosling the man, they love Ryan-Gosling the verb! Hell, I've been Ryan-Gosling the ladies for like weeks now. But it's hard! First you have to make yourself super cute. Like puppy-dog cute. Accordingly, Step 1 is ripping the eyes out of a puppy's head and using them to replace your own.
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This one will do.
Sure, you'll no longer be able to see color, but it's worth it for the ladies! Then you need to be like super sweet and caring and compassionate -- the way girls like their boys in romance novels. Here's the trick, though: As the sex act progresses, make your sexuality increasingly dark and ambiguous. If you're Ryan-Gosling your lady correctly, sex will start in a field of daisies on a summer's day and end under a streetlight in the ghetto where the only sound is the echo of loneliness off the infinite.
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Dark, tortured ambiguity can be hawt.
#9. The John May 'er
This one has very little to do with fading pop star/emerging blues man John Mayer. You don't have sex while telling your partner her body is a wonderland or anything like that. No, this sex act needs to be taken a lot more literally. It involves teasing your girl with sex in a public toilet, or "john." The John "May 'er," if you will.
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"I don't get it."
Pick a stall, get the juices flowing, maybe even take out a condom, but then wait. Wait until she pants "Are we gonna have sex?" Then raise one haughty eyebrow and reply, "We may ..." What's the fun in that, you ask? I'm not sure, but then again I don't know why anyone listens to "Your Body Is a Wonderland" either.
#8. The Christina Aguilera
The proper name for any sex act that requires a full body condom and a time machine.
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#7. The Adam Levine
Although this is not a masturbatory act, only one person in the world enjoys "Adam Levine" sex: Adam Levine.
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"Isn't that enough?"
#6. John Boehner
Oh, come on. That's just too easy. I bet you thought I'd do something like "poppin' a John Boehner" to describe the House majority leader who became one of the faces for the GOP's horribly orchestrated government shutdown. Well, I'm not going to turn Boehner's name into some cheap sex joke, mostly because the mere mention of him instantly desiccates all sexual orifices within a 40-mile radius.
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"Go ahead. Break my heart. I can afford lots of private health insurance."