There's a good chance your favorite character -- the one that decorated your lunchboxes, school notebooks, and undies -- started out as the worst fucking idea ever. As we've shown you many times before, when writers down a big cup of speedball-sweetened coffee and attempt to dream up an icon, they often churn out creative diarrhea instead.
If not for dozens of drafts and hundreds of red-marker notes from exasperated editors, we would've been left thoroughly baffled and un-entertained, because ...
7 Indiana Jones Almost Slept With His Students
Everybody loves to joke that Professor Indiana Jones never actually professors, but in a deleted scene from Raiders Of The Lost Ark, we learned that not only does he go to work, he sets up regular bang dates with his hot young pupils while doing so. Yes, this almost happened, and the only positive we can find about it is that at least his students are legal.
In the scene, fellow archaeologist/professor Marcus Brody goes to find Indy and introduce him to some nice government people who will teach him about the Ark. When he arrives, though, he runs into Susan, a comely co-ed who got there first and is absolutely who Indy prefers to spend his time with:
Indy's the one who should have been called Short Round.
We're not sure what's worse: that Indy gladly risks his career in the name of lady-tail, that he can't remember her name because he's presumably banged so many students, or that his "conferences" are as short-lived as a Peruvian sidekick. We understand this was the '30s and women enjoying sex only mattered to men if it meant she'd cook him a nice stew after, but come on, Indy. Five minutes? You could prolong that to 10 simply by using your whip for foreplay.
Or to 20 by imagining Brody the whole time.
Speaking of Brody, he sticks to his "this is serious" guns, cock-blocking Indy by sending the girl away. So Indy does the responsible thing: reschedules his unsatisfying quickie for later in the day.
Are we sure this isn't Shia LaBeouf's real mother?
Apparently, "brilliant" was Depression-era slang for "lying there while your sexual partner mindlessly pumps away for the length of a commercial break."
6 Beetlejuice Was Originally A Molester Pop Star
Beetlejuice is a weird movie. It's disturbing enough that Beetlejuice, a centuries-dead demon, tries to marry Lydia (Winona Ryder), a years-alive goth girl who despises him, but at least it's only a marriage of convenience. In an early draft, however, he also wanted Lydia herself and was willing to commit rape by deception in order to get her.
His plan involved disguising himself as something other than a pale, creepy, yellow-eyed ghost: a pale, creepy, yellow-eyed goth-pop star. He transforms into "Danny Death," who conveniently got famous enough overnight to pack a nightclub with enough gothy kids to ensure one would conveniently be Lydia:
Both Springsteen and Satan should resent that last part.
His "demonic Springsteen" shtick clearly works, as he and Lydia then retreat to the bar, where he asks her out. She invites him to a party at her place, where Beetlejuice throws himself on her.
The "If you say his name three times, Beetlejuice will come" rule has taken on a whole new meaning.
Lydia is working overtime to make it clear she's not interested, but Beetlejuice gives not one fuck and takes off his clothes to reveal Kuato from Total Recall, basically.
Beetlejuice is the only movie where the porn parody predates the real thing.
Yep, Beetlejuice attempts to turn the situation into a threesome starring Lydia, himself, and a tiny mutated parasite version of himself. For some reason, the idea of fucking a chestburster doesn't appeal to Lydia, especially since it looks like Michael Keaton. She rushes away, and the whole "Danny Death" bullshit mercifully ends. Anyway, now you know what Tim Burton thinks about when he masturbates.