Children's cartoons are made by artists, and as we all know, artists are giant perverts. That's not a generalized statement based solely on our extensive hentai collection; we've got the evidence to prove it. Here are seven filthy cartoons made by the people who are practically raising our children for us.
(PSA: Unless your job is "masturbate to cartoons all day," you should probably assume all of the links in this article will get you fired if you click on them.)
7The Creator Of Powerpuff Girls Slipped Pornography Into His Early Cartoons
Warner Brothers Pictures
If you grew up in the '90s, you've seen Craig McCracken's work. He was an art director on Dexter's Laboratory and 2 Stupid Dogs, and he created The Powerpuff Girls and Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends.
All this despite being as flummoxed by hands as Rob Liefeld is by feet.
But before all that, McCracken was a mere poor CalArts student dicking around in his dorm.
What you're looking at is a scene from No Neck Joe, a series of shorts McCracken made, presumably with his ear to the door in case his roommate walked in. Most of the episodes are one-note. No Neck Joe tries to do something with his neck, but can't because he doesn't have a neck. He's No Neck Joe. We can go slower if you want.
The jokes just fly by at breakneck speed.
And then, at the very end of the last cartoon, McCracken included three seconds of little Joe about to stick his littler Joe in three naked girls. But why? Was he checking to see if his classmates were still paying attention? If so, we guarantee that none of those students realized they were being trolled by the guy behind their future daughters' backpacks.
"Wanna see where all that neck fat went, ladies?"
No Neck Joe was picked up by Spike & Mike's Sick & Twisted Festival of Animation, which funded McCracken's next project, a superhero parody called The Whoopass Girls. That short is what got him his own Cartoon Network show, presumably after signing a clause specifying that he wouldn't try to sneak any tiny mutant orgies into it.
6A Pixar Artist Animated A Short About Taking A Child To A Strip Club
Artist Teddy Newton has worked on everything from The Iron Giant to The Incredibles, but you know him best for the Oscar-nominated Day And Night -- that cool 3D/2D short that played before Toy Story 3 in theaters.
"What happens in Vegas stays in me."
But in 2004, Newton decided that he was tired of all this "critical acclaim" bullshit and released a short about a little kid whose stepfather drags him to a strip club.
Hopefully, Dad didn't blow all his money in the champagne room, because therapy ain't cheap.
Boys Night Out plays pretty much how you'd expect. Little Lindberg is left with his stepfather while his mother goes to Bible study. The stepdad then dresses him as a homeless man with lupus so they can go get boners together.
That hat being his father's rancid stretched-out sock is somehow the least disturbing part of this story.
From there we're treated to some very non-Disney images, while Lindberg looks equally confused and horrified:
"Wait, they get paid when they get a spanking? You and mom have been ripping me off!"
At one point, the stepdad orders "Honolulu Hardons" for him and the kid, which are thankfully just alcoholic beverages. We never thought we'd be thankful for "just" drunken babies. Lindberg then runs into his priest, who has some very specific fetishes.
He could live to be 100 and not utter enough Hail Mary's to make up for "humped a sexy crucifix."
Right when things couldn't get any worse for the kid, there's a plot twist: One of the dancers is Lindberg's own mother, a revelation that utterly breaks his poor psyche.
Looking at her child the same way she looks at a guy with a thousand bucks and an empty lap didn't help, either.
To be fair, Pixar can't say they didn't know what they were getting into when they hired this guy, since he first got their attention by drawing pun-errific Toy Story Rule 34:
O'Plenty Animation Studio (NSFW)
It was either this or "Who wants some Mrs. Potato HEAD?"