The hammerhead shark, the cassowary, this ungodly shrieking, charging scorpion-spider -- nature doesn't need any help brainstorming weird stuff to confuse and horrify us. And yet here we are helping her breed increasingly bizarre and upsetting creatures anyway. We're a bunch of go-getters. By which we mean you should go, or these abominations will get you.
5Dong Tao Chicken
Here's a question that kept at least one madman up at night: What would you get if the Thing from Fantastic Four banged some poultry? Answer: the Dong Tao chicken.
Nguoi Lao Dong
Despite its name, the real dick is whoever made it look this way.
The Dong Tao chicken, also known as the Dragon Chicken, is bred specifically for its delicious foot meat. However, if you look very closely, you'll notice that its legs are, scientifically speaking, totally shitty.
Nguoi Lao Dong
Eleven herbs and steroids.
The legs, which can weigh up to 13 pounds each, are a delicacy mostly enjoyed by the upper class in fancy restaurants where you probably have to wear clean pants. A pair of these biological jokes recently sold for $2,500. Part of the cost has to do with how difficult the chickens are to breed. They're hugely sensitive to changes in ambient temperature, so sometimes they simply don't feel like getting busy. Also, they lay fewer eggs than regular breeds, and the eggs they do lay have to survive those awful waffle-stompers first. It's almost -- almost -- as if nature doesn't approve of us slapping elephant feet on a chicken for shits and giggles. But that can't be true ...
If you've ever wanted to own a length of intestines as a pet, you're in luck! Here you go, it's a scaleless snake.
You almost want to let it bite you out of pity.
Sure, it looks like a terrifying meth hallucination of a penis now, but here's what the Leucistic Texas rat snake looked like before we straight-up ruined it:
LA Dawson/Wiki Commons
We didn't know snakes could be cute. We still don't know that.
There are scaleless snakes in the wild, but it's more of a genetic mutation. Of course, breeders saw these freaks and decided to breed for this specific trait, because they hate life and all that lives it. Now, there is controversy in the reptile-breeding community about whether or not this is a fair thing to do to an animal. And when the people who spend all day cajoling legless cold-blooded egg-layers into fucking each other are freaked out by something, you know it's legit.
Apart from generally looking like a nightmare sausage, the snakes are also completely defenseless. Scales offer flexible protection for snakes' body sacs, and without them, they're just ... well, body sacs. Giving them mice and other live food would be like serving a rodent snake pudding.
And if you're a rattlesnake (are you a rattlesnake?), being scaleless sucks on multiple levels. We can only assume that this dude has to eat by himself in the Snake Middle School cafeteria:
Tambako the Jaguar / GettyImages
It isn't even technically a rattlesnake anymore. Rattles are modified tail scales, which cannot exist on a snake that is scaleless. Bummer! Sorry, buddy, we were curious! Sorry you have to live as the physical representation of our hubris!