Humanity has always been blessed with an amazing gift: Whether it's on a cave wall or the latest digital media, we always find a way to draw dicks and boobs on everything. So, consider the sexual content hidden within the following video games not lewd acts of immaturity, but as a triumph of the human spirit. It doesn't matter if a game is set in deep space or in the sky over a WWII battlefield -- man always finds a way to sneak in dicks and boobs.
6Final Fantasy VII -- A (Non-Consensual) Bath With Bodybuilders
Final Fantasy VII tells the story of an eco-terrorist with glamorous hair and a bizarrely giant sword battling against a villain who can be described exactly the same way. It's one of the most popular video games ever made and features hours of iconic cutscenes, including the most talked-about death scene in video game history. While they look primitive now, those low-res wads of triangles made a lot of nerds cry in the '90s.
Annnnnd now you're trying to hide tears from your co-workers.
A scene that doesn't hold up quite as well involves the game's star Cloud and a bathhouse. You see, in order to save Tifa from Don Corneo's mansion, the hero has to sneak in dressed as a woman. This was pretty common back then. If you were a man in a work of fiction in the '90s, about one out of five of your problems could only be solved by disguising yourself as a female.
Final Fantasy VII took the "man dressed as woman" gag a touch too far and threw him nipples deep into a homosexual lifestyle. The quest started with him getting lingerie from a group of rippling gay stereotypes in the Honey Bee Inn's "Group Room." Before the player can even joke about how that sounds like a spot for an orgy, nine muscular, mostly nude men arrive storm in and pose in what can only be described as a sex formation.
"On my command, men: Seeeeeeeeexxx!!!"
Their leader is named Mukki, and -- if you'll forgive us -- he came here to fukki. If you try to leave, he blocks your way, suggesting everyone wash away their sweat and dirt together. The other men simply pant and smile as they all crowd around you. The camera pans away, as they strip off your clothes and admire your penis.
"Looks like you've got two swords that are hard to handle."
It's worth repeating that while you're playing this game, nine panting men refuse to let you leave the room, demand you bathe with them, and then strip off your clothes to admire your penis.
While the group bobs in the water, their bodies intertwined and hearts racing, Mukki asks about Cloud's age. When you try to leave again, he insists you stick around and play a bit because, and we quote, "Daddy's so lonely ... "
"I hope you powered up your agility, kid. If you know what I mean."
Incredibly, having this surprise romantic moment with Mukki and his friends is not the weirdest thing to happen to Cloud that day. The hotel has another room called the "&$#% Room." When you go inside, you have a hallucination and pass out. While you're unconscious, you can hear "rub, rub rub" and "Poik squish poik."
We don't know what "poik" translates to, but it sounds moist.
You wake up with Mukki on top of you, punching the shit out of you. Don't worry, though. Somehow, getting molested in your sleep and punched awake by your new daddy recovered all of your HP/MP. So, at least, you walk away from the ordeal at 100 percent.
5Pokemon HeartGold And SoulSilver -- Genital Monsters
We imagine you've heard of Pokemon. It's a series of RPG games set in a world where all economic and social systems revolve around pet fighting. Imagine Michael Vick's dog-Kumite basement pre-2007 -- only now, imagine it with weird, levitating genitals everywhere. You already were? Well, then this next sentence will seem way less dramatic: That's exactly what Pokemon HeartGold And SoulSilver was like.
If you explore a location known as Route 47 in this game, you'll encounter a pair of lovers named Duff and Eda. Like all people in the Pokemon world, they greet you by challenging your monster slaves to a battle.
"We're so in love! Let us kill your pets!!!"
The thing that makes Duff and Eda special is their choice of Pokemon, Onix and Cloyster. Alone, they might look like a rock snake and a spiky oyster, and maybe their original designers intended them to be those things. But, together, it's pretty clear they are a dong and vulva.
Hey, young couple Duff and Eda, I'm like 11. Please put away your Onix and Cloyster.
This could just be our infantile, dirty minds, right? After all, penises don't have unicorn horns and faces. Yet. And honestly, anything can look like genitals if you look at it long enough or sit on a bike seat hard enough. There are more than 700 Pokemon -- it was inevitable for some of them to look like sex toys or birth canals. But, as has been pointed out by some anonymous internet gynecologist, if Cloyster isn't a vagina, there are an alarming number of coincidences in his anatomy:
You're still not convinced? What do you need, a mons pubis?