6 Bizarrely R-Rated Easter Eggs In Wildly Unsexy Video Games

A scene that doesn't hold up quite as well involves the game's star Cloud and a bathhouse. You see, in order to save Tifa from Don Corneo's mansion, the hero has to sneak in dressed as a woman. This was pretty common back then. If you were a man in a work of fiction in the '90s, about one out of five of your problems could only be solved by disguising yourself as a female.

Final Fantasy VII took the "man dressed as woman" gag a touch too far and threw him nipples deep into a homosexual lifestyle. The quest started with him getting lingerie from a group of rippling gay stereotypes in the Honey Bee Inn's "Group Room." Before the player can even joke about how that sounds like a spot for an orgy, nine muscular, mostly nude men arrive storm in and pose in what can only be described as a sex formation.

Their leader is named Mukki, and -- if you'll forgive us -- he came here to fukki. If you try to leave, he blocks your way, suggesting everyone wash away their sweat and dirt together. The other men simply pant and smile as they all crowd around you. The camera pans away, as they strip off your clothes and admire your penis.

It's worth repeating that while you're playing this game, nine panting men refuse to let you leave the room, demand you bathe with them, and then strip off your clothes to admire your penis.

While the group bobs in the water, their bodies intertwined and hearts racing, Mukki asks about Cloud's age. When you try to leave again, he insists you stick around and play a bit because, and we quote, "Daddy's so lonely ... "

Incredibly, having this surprise romantic moment with Mukki and his friends is not the weirdest thing to happen to Cloud that day. The hotel has another room called the "&$#% Room." When you go inside, you have a hallucination and pass out. While you're unconscious, you can hear "rub, rub rub" and "Poik squish poik."

You wake up with Mukki on top of you, punching the shit out of you. Don't worry, though. Somehow, getting molested in your sleep and punched awake by your new daddy recovered all of your HP/MP. So, at least, you walk away from the ordeal at 100 percent.

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We imagine you've heard of Pokemon. It's a series of RPG games set in a world where all economic and social systems revolve around pet fighting. Imagine Michael Vick's dog-Kumite basement pre-2007 -- only now, imagine it with weird, levitating genitals everywhere. You already were? Well, then this next sentence will seem way less dramatic: That's exactly what Pokemon HeartGold And SoulSilver was like.

If you explore a location known as Route 47 in this game, you'll encounter a pair of lovers named Duff and Eda. Like all people in the Pokemon world, they greet you by challenging your monster slaves to a battle.

The thing that makes Duff and Eda special is their choice of Pokemon, Onix and Cloyster. Alone, they might look like a rock snake and a spiky oyster, and maybe their original designers intended them to be those things. But, together, it's pretty clear they are a dong and vulva.

This could just be our infantile, dirty minds, right? After all, penises don't have unicorn horns and faces. Yet. And honestly, anything can look like genitals if you look at it long enough or sit on a bike seat hard enough. There are more than 700 Pokemon -- it was inevitable for some of them to look like sex toys or birth canals. But, as has been pointed out by some anonymous internet gynecologist, if Cloyster isn't a vagina, there are an alarming number of coincidences in his anatomy:

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Like most Nintendo games, 1993's Link's Awakening was designed with young players in mind, so the plot doesn't tackle any topics racier than chicken murder -- in America, at least.

For example: If you played the American version of the game, you might remember a rude hippo monster. She is in an art gallery being painted, and when you talk to her, she shouts, "Go away!" It was strange. This might not make it any less strange, but, in the Japanese and European versions, she is naked when Link walks in. When she sees Link, she yanks up her towel to protect her very humanish hippo breasts from his preteen gaze. This helps make sense of why she is so rude to you, but it does nothing to explain why hippo tits were suddenly included in the game's design.

The game's German localization has bonus insanity. It was translated by a man named Claude Moyse who thought it would be fun to insert some things of his own in the game. For instance, he added his own song when you enter "MOYSE" as your name. It's not quite as catchy as the normal Zelda theme (it sounds more like a squeaky balloon wrestling with a Casio keyboard), but you have to admire the balls of someone who smuggled an entire song into a Nintendo game.

Mr. Moyse also snuck in several bizarre messages, most notably in the Cukeman dialog. Cukemen are little monsters that sort of resemble dicks in eyeglasses.

Cukemen are supposed to give gameplay hints to Link, but Moyse made them say random nonsense like "STOP THE WAR! GIVE PEACE A CHANCE!" or "NOT WITHOUT A CONDOM!" We're assuming it's Link who will be wearing it, since a condom would almost certainly kill a monster made entirely out of wang.

Sometimes, the Cukemen are more sexually impulsive. If you catch one at the right time, it might shout "Gib mir deinen saft, ich geb'dir meinen ... " which is German for, ahem, "GIVE ME YOUR JUICE, AND I'LL GIVE YOU MINE." It's a pretty bold pickup line, even for a wiggling, boy-sized dildo.

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If you manage to beat the game with all the medals without using continues, you're pretty amazing at video games. And probably pretty lonely. That turns Cindy on.

Besides the model of their fighter plane, the game gives you the bust, waist, and hip measurements of each pilot. It's weird. And it's only going to get weirder. Remember the single male pilot we mentioned? His name is Ainzaemon, and he gets naked for you, too. What's strange about that? Well, they don't give his bust, waist, and hip measurements. Ainzaemon is given only a single measurement: 208 cm. It might be his height, but if it's not, good for you, Ainzaemon.

When the game was released in 1995, none of these hot naked pilots raised any flags. But, this probably says less about the state of gender politics at the time and more about how impossible it was to get through this hell of bullets without continuing. The game eventually got a sequel with zero seminude portraits, but the final boss encounter did look suspiciously close to a firefight with a bent-over purple person's butthole.

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This madness does not help you save the woman in any way. This is simply game designers sneaking a blowjob in as a reward for doing the most nonsensical thing conceivable. Seriously, using a magnesium-coated puppet head on a wagon curtain is the kind of thing a schizophrenic mole person yells at you from a sewer, not foreplay. In fact, it's so goddamn crazy we doubt you even believe us. If that's the case, and you also don't mind Google's analytics knowing with robotic certainty that you're a pervert, you can watch the scene here:

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R-Type is a classic shooter where a single space fighter fights off thousands and thousands of enemies. Their leader Bydo has seen you destroy countless armies before, but in this final battle, he has a secret weapon: distraction.

When you reach his planet, the entirety of outer space is filled with an image of two people having sex.

As you approach a formation of literally hundreds of aliens, each shooting lasers at you, they appear ... silhouettes of a man and a woman. They're gigantic and nude, approaching one another with the white-hot passion of a million exploding stars. They are going to rip each other apart, and the entire galaxy has a front-row seat.

Don't mistake this for some kind of crass star pornography. This is beautiful, tasteful art. Countless civilizations living in in the planetary systems of these space gods' genitals are smashed to atoms. They die knowing only pure erotic bliss.

Once the silhouettes reach each other, they form a single shape and slide off the screen. But, they aren't done. You may not notice it while you dodge the billions of lasers coming at your ship, but they slide back into view, unashamed of their very public coitus. Their bodies form shapes of all sorts -- shapes that bring butthole systems into mouth systems in cosmic displays of generous, inventive lovemaking.

None of us will ever know passion like the couple banging in the background of R-Type Final, but all of us will try.

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