5

Pokemon HeartGold And SoulSilver -- Genital Monsters

Nintendo

We imagine you've heard of Pokemon. It's a series of RPG games set in a world where all economic and social systems revolve around pet fighting. Imagine Michael Vick's dog-Kumite basement pre-2007 -- only now, imagine it with weird, levitating genitals everywhere. You already were? Well, then this next sentence will seem way less dramatic: That's exactly what Pokemon HeartGold And SoulSilver was like.

If you explore a location known as Route 47 in this game, you'll encounter a pair of lovers named Duff and Eda. Like all people in the Pokemon world, they greet you by challenging your monster slaves to a battle.

Nintendo

The thing that makes Duff and Eda special is their choice of Pokemon, Onix and Cloyster. Alone, they might look like a rock snake and a spiky oyster, and maybe their original designers intended them to be those things. But, together, it's pretty clear they are a dong and vulva.

Nintendo

4

The Legend Of Zelda: Link's Awakening -- Hippo Tits And Other Insanity

Nintendo

Like most Nintendo games, 1993's Link's Awakening was designed with young players in mind, so the plot doesn't tackle any topics racier than chicken murder -- in America, at least.

For example: If you played the American version of the game, you might remember a rude hippo monster. She is in an art gallery being painted, and when you talk to her, she shouts, "Go away!" It was strange. This might not make it any less strange, but, in the Japanese and European versions, she is naked when Link walks in. When she sees Link, she yanks up her towel to protect her very humanish hippo breasts from his preteen gaze. This helps make sense of why she is so rude to you, but it does nothing to explain why hippo tits were suddenly included in the game's design.

Nintendo

3

Strikers 1945 -- The Secret Topless Ending

Psikyo

Strikers 1945 is a vertical shooter set right after WWII. In what any nonidiot would describe as a perfect plot, you are an ace pilot in a plane with unlimited ammunition, blowing up a terrorist organization until everyone in it is dead. You choose from six different pilots. In an unexpected twist, five of the pilots are women. In a very expected twist, the game designers let you see their tits.

If you perform well in a mission, you earn medals. It's pretty standard video game stuff. However, what makes Strikers 1945 unusual is that at the end of the game, it counts up all your medals and tears clothes off your pilot if you get enough. Let's check out an example with the USA's pilot, Cindy Volton.

Psikyo

If you manage to beat the game with all the medals without using continues, you're pretty amazing at video games. And probably pretty lonely. That turns Cindy on.

Psikyo

2

The Dark Eye: Chains Of Satinav -- Surprise Blowjob

Daedalic

Chains Of Satinav is a point-and-click adventure set in the world of Aventuri in The Dark Eye, which is a German Dungeons & Dragons clone. After reading that, you've probably already assumed this next part, but you play Geron, an adventurer protecting his fairy companion, Nuri, from an evil wizard.

In many ways, it's a predictable fantasy adventure game. You click on objects until you find the proper chain of stupid dislogic and unlock the next realm of magical wonder. But, there's a very unexpected twist in The Dark Eye: Chains Of Satinav no one saw coming. We mean, you do, since you read the title to this entry, but let's imagine you're simply playing this for the first time.

Our heroes befriend an old woman who has made camp after one of her wagon wheels broke. By solving somewhat ludicrous puzzles, Geron can fix the wheel. The woman becomes so grateful that she gives you the key to her wagon, but as soon as you go in, the camp is attacked by monsters. OK, so now, remember the unexpected twist we mentioned? Well, while the woman is being torn apart by monsters outside, if you combine the puppet head with the magnesium and inexplicably use it on the wagon's curtain, it causes Nuri to walk over and go down on you.

Daedalic

This madness does not help you save the woman in any way. This is simply game designers sneaking a blowjob in as a reward for doing the most nonsensical thing conceivable. Seriously, using a magnesium-coated puppet head on a wagon curtain is the kind of thing a schizophrenic mole person yells at you from a sewer, not foreplay. In fact, it's so goddamn crazy we doubt you even believe us. If that's the case, and you also don't mind Google's analytics knowing with robotic certainty that you're a pervert, you can watch the scene here:

1

R-Type Final -- Deep Space Sex

Eidos

R-Type is a classic shooter where a single space fighter fights off thousands and thousands of enemies. Their leader Bydo has seen you destroy countless armies before, but in this final battle, he has a secret weapon: distraction.

When you reach his planet, the entirety of outer space is filled with an image of two people having sex.

Eidos

As you approach a formation of literally hundreds of aliens, each shooting lasers at you, they appear ... silhouettes of a man and a woman. They're gigantic and nude, approaching one another with the white-hot passion of a million exploding stars. They are going to rip each other apart, and the entire galaxy has a front-row seat.

Eidos