6 Bizarrely R-Rated Easter Eggs In Wildly Unsexy Video Games
Humanity has always been blessed with an amazing gift: Whether it's on a cave wall or the latest digital media, we always find a way to draw dicks and boobs on everything. So, consider the sexual content hidden within the following video games not lewd acts of immaturity, but as a triumph of the human spirit. It doesn't matter if a game is set in deep space or in the sky over a WWII battlefield -- man always finds a way to sneak in dicks and boobs.
Final Fantasy VII -- A (Non-Consensual) Bath With Bodybuilders
Final Fantasy VII tells the story of an eco-terrorist with glamorous hair and a bizarrely giant sword battling against a villain who can be described exactly the same way. It's one of the most popular video games ever made and features hours of iconic cutscenes, including the most talked-about death scene in video game history. While they look primitive now, those low-res wads of triangles made a lot of nerds cry in the '90s.
Annnnnd now you're trying to hide tears from your co-workers.
A scene that doesn't hold up quite as well involves the game's star Cloud and a bathhouse. You see, in order to save Tifa from Don Corneo's mansion, the hero has to sneak in dressed as a woman. This was pretty common back then. If you were a man in a work of fiction in the '90s, about one out of five of your problems could only be solved by disguising yourself as a female.
Final Fantasy VII took the "man dressed as woman" gag a touch too far and threw him nipples deep into a homosexual lifestyle. The quest started with him getting lingerie from a group of rippling gay stereotypes in the Honey Bee Inn's "Group Room." Before the player can even joke about how that sounds like a spot for an orgy, nine muscular, mostly nude men arrive storm in and pose in what can only be described as a sex formation.
"On my command, men: Seeeeeeeeexxx!!!"
Their leader is named Mukki, and -- if you'll forgive us -- he came here to fukki. If you try to leave, he blocks your way, suggesting everyone wash away their sweat and dirt together. The other men simply pant and smile as they all crowd around you. The camera pans away, as they strip off your clothes and admire your penis.
"Looks like you've got two swords that are hard to handle."
It's worth repeating that while you're playing this game, nine panting men refuse to let you leave the room, demand you bathe with them, and then strip off your clothes to admire your penis.
While the group bobs in the water, their bodies intertwined and hearts racing, Mukki asks about Cloud's age. When you try to leave again, he insists you stick around and play a bit because, and we quote, "Daddy's so lonely ... "
"I hope you powered up your agility, kid. If you know what I mean."
Incredibly, having this surprise romantic moment with Mukki and his friends is not the weirdest thing to happen to Cloud that day. The hotel has another room called the "&$#% Room." When you go inside, you have a hallucination and pass out. While you're unconscious, you can hear "rub, rub rub" and "Poik squish poik."
We don't know what "poik" translates to, but it sounds moist.
You wake up with Mukki on top of you, punching the shit out of you. Don't worry, though. Somehow, getting molested in your sleep and punched awake by your new daddy recovered all of your HP/MP. So, at least, you walk away from the ordeal at 100 percent.
Pokemon HeartGold And SoulSilver -- Genital Monsters
We imagine you've heard of Pokemon. It's a series of RPG games set in a world where all economic and social systems revolve around pet fighting. Imagine Michael Vick's dog-Kumite basement pre-2007 -- only now, imagine it with weird, levitating genitals everywhere. You already were? Well, then this next sentence will seem way less dramatic: That's exactly what Pokemon HeartGold And SoulSilver was like.
If you explore a location known as Route 47 in this game, you'll encounter a pair of lovers named Duff and Eda. Like all people in the Pokemon world, they greet you by challenging your monster slaves to a battle.
"We're so in love! Let us kill your pets!!!"
The thing that makes Duff and Eda special is their choice of Pokemon, Onix and Cloyster. Alone, they might look like a rock snake and a spiky oyster, and maybe their original designers intended them to be those things. But, together, it's pretty clear they are a dong and vulva.
Hey, young couple Duff and Eda, I'm like 11. Please put away your Onix and Cloyster.
This could just be our infantile, dirty minds, right? After all, penises don't have unicorn horns and faces. Yet. And honestly, anything can look like genitals if you look at it long enough or sit on a bike seat hard enough. There are more than 700 Pokemon -- it was inevitable for some of them to look like sex toys or birth canals. But, as has been pointed out by some anonymous internet gynecologist, if Cloyster isn't a vagina, there are an alarming number of coincidences in his anatomy:
You're still not convinced? What do you need, a mons pubis?
The Legend Of Zelda: Link's Awakening -- Hippo Tits And Other Insanity
Like most Nintendo games, 1993's Link's Awakening was designed with young players in mind, so the plot doesn't tackle any topics racier than chicken murder -- in America, at least.
For example: If you played the American version of the game, you might remember a rude hippo monster. She is in an art gallery being painted, and when you talk to her, she shouts, "Go away!" It was strange. This might not make it any less strange, but, in the Japanese and European versions, she is naked when Link walks in. When she sees Link, she yanks up her towel to protect her very humanish hippo breasts from his preteen gaze. This helps make sense of why she is so rude to you, but it does nothing to explain why hippo tits were suddenly included in the game's design.
"A naked hippo? I'm glad I have the feather equipped on the B Button."
The game's German localization has bonus insanity. It was translated by a man named Claude Moyse who thought it would be fun to insert some things of his own in the game. For instance, he added his own song when you enter "MOYSE" as your name. It's not quite as catchy as the normal Zelda theme (it sounds more like a squeaky balloon wrestling with a Casio keyboard), but you have to admire the balls of someone who smuggled an entire song into a Nintendo game.
Mr. Moyse also snuck in several bizarre messages, most notably in the Cukeman dialog. Cukemen are little monsters that sort of resemble dicks in eyeglasses.
"Hey! That ... that's fair."
Cukemen are supposed to give gameplay hints to Link, but Moyse made them say random nonsense like "STOP THE WAR! GIVE PEACE A CHANCE!" or "NOT WITHOUT A CONDOM!" We're assuming it's Link who will be wearing it, since a condom would almost certainly kill a monster made entirely out of wang.
"A sex toy monster? I'm glad I have 19 condoms equipped on my B Button!"
Sometimes, the Cukemen are more sexually impulsive. If you catch one at the right time, it might shout "Gib mir deinen saft, ich geb'dir meinen ... " which is German for, ahem, "GIVE ME YOUR JUICE, AND I'LL GIVE YOU MINE." It's a pretty bold pickup line, even for a wiggling, boy-sized dildo.
Related: Which Link Got The Most Play?
Strikers 1945 -- The Secret Topless Ending
Strikers 1945 is a vertical shooter set right after WWII. In what any nonidiot would describe as a perfect plot, you are an ace pilot in a plane with unlimited ammunition, blowing up a terrorist organization until everyone in it is dead. You choose from six different pilots. In an unexpected twist, five of the pilots are women. In a very expected twist, the game designers let you see their tits.
If you perform well in a mission, you earn medals. It's pretty standard video game stuff. However, what makes Strikers 1945 unusual is that at the end of the game, it counts up all your medals and tears clothes off your pilot if you get enough. Let's check out an example with the USA's pilot, Cindy Volton.
"I STILL HAVE MY JACKET ON! YOU SUCK."
If you manage to beat the game with all the medals without using continues, you're pretty amazing at video games. And probably pretty lonely. That turns Cindy on.
Busty Cindy reminds players, "Never touch the joystick on a Strikers 1945 machine!"
Fifteen-year-old Alice, on the other hand, seems to have not been expecting company.
Besides the model of their fighter plane, the game gives you the bust, waist, and hip measurements of each pilot. It's weird. And it's only going to get weirder. Remember the single male pilot we mentioned? His name is Ainzaemon, and he gets naked for you, too. What's strange about that? Well, they don't give his bust, waist, and hip measurements. Ainzaemon is given only a single measurement: 208 cm. It might be his height, but if it's not, good for you, Ainzaemon.
All my clothes are size "Nice body! Sexy guy!"
When the game was released in 1995, none of these hot naked pilots raised any flags. But, this probably says less about the state of gender politics at the time and more about how impossible it was to get through this hell of bullets without continuing. The game eventually got a sequel with zero seminude portraits, but the final boss encounter did look suspiciously close to a firefight with a bent-over purple person's butthole.
The Dark Eye: Chains Of Satinav -- Surprise Blowjob
Chains Of Satinav is a point-and-click adventure set in the world of Aventuri in The Dark Eye, which is a German Dungeons & Dragons clone. After reading that, you've probably already assumed this next part, but you play Geron, an adventurer protecting his fairy companion, Nuri, from an evil wizard.
In many ways, it's a predictable fantasy adventure game. You click on objects until you find the proper chain of stupid dislogic and unlock the next realm of magical wonder. But, there's a very unexpected twist in The Dark Eye: Chains Of Satinav no one saw coming. We mean, you do, since you read the title to this entry, but let's imagine you're simply playing this for the first time.
Our heroes befriend an old woman who has made camp after one of her wagon wheels broke. By solving somewhat ludicrous puzzles, Geron can fix the wheel. The woman becomes so grateful that she gives you the key to her wagon, but as soon as you go in, the camp is attacked by monsters. OK, so now, remember the unexpected twist we mentioned? Well, while the woman is being torn apart by monsters outside, if you combine the puppet head with the magnesium and inexplicably use it on the wagon's curtain, it causes Nuri to walk over and go down on you.
"Nuri ... I- I'm messing with flammable puppet heads, and a woman is outside dying.
This is a terrible ... a terrible ... mmmm ... what was I saying?"
This madness does not help you save the woman in any way. This is simply game designers sneaking a blowjob in as a reward for doing the most nonsensical thing conceivable. Seriously, using a magnesium-coated puppet head on a wagon curtain is the kind of thing a schizophrenic mole person yells at you from a sewer, not foreplay. In fact, it's so goddamn crazy we doubt you even believe us. If that's the case, and you also don't mind Google's analytics knowing with robotic certainty that you're a pervert, you can watch the scene here:
R-Type Final -- Deep Space Sex
R-Type is a classic shooter where a single space fighter fights off thousands and thousands of enemies. Their leader Bydo has seen you destroy countless armies before, but in this final battle, he has a secret weapon: distraction.
When you reach his planet, the entirety of outer space is filled with an image of two people having sex.
"If you look to the left, you'll see the Handjob Nebula."
As you approach a formation of literally hundreds of aliens, each shooting lasers at you, they appear ... silhouettes of a man and a woman. They're gigantic and nude, approaching one another with the white-hot passion of a million exploding stars. They are going to rip each other apart, and the entire galaxy has a front-row seat.
A lesser caption might quip, "Talk about a Big Bang Theory!"
Don't mistake this for some kind of crass star pornography. This is beautiful, tasteful art. Countless civilizations living in in the planetary systems of these space gods' genitals are smashed to atoms. They die knowing only pure erotic bliss.
You'll find yourself saying, "Make love to me like the background of R-Type Final."
Once the silhouettes reach each other, they form a single shape and slide off the screen. But, they aren't done. You may not notice it while you dodge the billions of lasers coming at your ship, but they slide back into view, unashamed of their very public coitus. Their bodies form shapes of all sorts -- shapes that bring butthole systems into mouth systems in cosmic displays of generous, inventive lovemaking.
None of us will ever know passion like the couple banging in the background of R-Type Final, but all of us will try.
You taught us how to love again, giant fucking space gods.
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