We get it: Teachers have a tough job. We don't want to be too hard on these poor bastards; children are objectively terrible. But still, when you're entrusting a professional with the fragile minds of the nation's future citizens, you kind of hope they're not, you know, frothingly insane. But the following teachers were either completely nuts or just having really off days on the job ...
#7. Teacher Orders 6-Year-Olds to Beat Up Another Student
It must be a challenging and delicate task to deal with the problem of bullying among kids. If one of the kids in your class is being a little shit to everyone, how do you nip it in the bud without making it worse? Well, Texas teacher Cynthia Ambrose knew there was only one way: assemble the rest of the students into a tiny little lynch mob to dispense toddler justice.
"Tee ball? No, we like to think of it as 'bat assault practice.'"
Ambrose had been having problems with Aiden Neely, a 6-year-old student, who had apparently been beating on some of the other kids in her class. Rather than send the kid to the principal's office or make a phone call to his parents, Ambrose decided to give Neely a taste of his own medicine in true Texas style by lining up the other students and getting them one by one to beat the snot out of him.
They don't call it the Lone Scar State for nothing.
The teacher claims that the kids turned on Neely of their own accord, but witnesses -- including another teacher -- say that Ambrose encouraged the act and had her classroom set up like some kind of kiddie gladiator arena. Maybe she dreamed of filming it and pitching it as a reality show. Either way, Ambrose was hauled into court after the stunt and wound up getting sentenced to 30 days in jail, although the sentence was repealed due to a jury mishap and she's waiting for a new trial.
#6. Teacher Lets Preschoolers Taste Her Blood
When it comes to learning, a little hands-on experience can go a long way. That's apparently what a Norwegian teacher figured when she allowed her kindergarten students, who were curious about blood, to play with and even taste her own bodily fluids.
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Which is a service outside the pay scale of a typical preschooler.
According to the teacher (who is thankfully no longer employed), the children had expressed an interest in what blood was and how it works. Where normal people would sense that they were living in a horror movie and immediately burn the school to the ground, this teacher saw a learning opportunity. While there are numerous effective methods of educating kids on this matter, like showing them a goddamn diagram or educational video, the teacher decided on a more practical approach: She had a doctor draw out a vial of her own blood and then brought it to class for show and tell.
After passing the vial around the class for the students (who ranged from 3 to 6 years old), at least one kid apparently asked whether they could taste it. Presumably not wanting to upset what were clearly the Children of the Damned, the teacher said yes. Fortunately, staff and parents found out about it before the kids' career in vampirism could go any further, or before they became curious about any other bodily humors.
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"No more playing with blood for today, kids. Why don't you go play with your toys instead?"
#5. Somehow, Multiple Teachers Have Stripped in Front of Students
Those who study philosophy spend time pondering life's greatest questions. But for the students of one Paris high school philosophy class, questions like "What is the meaning of life?" gave way to "Why am I seeing my teacher's scrotum right now?"
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In this class, everybody gets a D+.
See, teacher Bernard Defrance liked to play a game with his students: The kids would ask him questions, and every time Defrance failed to come up with the answer, he would remove a piece of clothing. One day his students were just too darn good for Defrance (or maybe he "lost" on purpose, wink wink) and he was left standing in the nude. The unexamined life may not be worth living, but we're pretty sure we can go without ever examining the folds of Defrance's body.
One of the students defended Defrance by saying that he was just showing the class that he was "like everyone else." We're not sure what they thought Defrance was like before this incident, but apparently they were worried that he was not an anatomically correct human male. Well, he sure cleared that up for them.
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"See, I take my pants off one leg at a time, just like you."
In case you thought that teachers removing their clothes was just some crazy thing they do in France, an American physics professor at Columbia disrobed in front of students in an effort to show them how hard quantum mechanics is. He did this in front of a video of 9/11 footage, the entire show apparently being an effort to "confuse them" so that their weary brains might be more ready to accept the bizarreness of quantum physics. See, this is why that screen mounted to Stephen Hawking's wheelchair is just a continuous scrolling slideshow of penises.
#4. Teachers Stage a Mass Shooting During a Field Trip
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It can be hard to come up with unique activities to make your school camp memorable and not just another forgettable excursion to bumfuck nowhere, singing "Kumbaya" around a campfire while everyone wishes they were back at home. That's the dilemma teachers at Scales Elementary School in Tennessee faced, so they decided to spice up their field trip by staging a mock mass shooting for their sixth graders.
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That explains why sing-along night included "Don't Fear the Reaper."
The "prank," which by the way took place less than a month after the Virginia Tech shooting, involved teachers (including an assistant principal) going from dorm to dorm advising students that a gunman was on the loose and taking no prisoners. The students were thus swept up in a whirlwind of panic as they shut off the lights and hurried under nearby furniture. To heighten the realism of it, a hooded teacher went by pulling on the locked doors, lest they falsely believe that school protocols would save them.
For their part, the students took it quite well, some sobbing in the tense darkness, others attempting to text their parents about their impending detour to the big Magic School Bus in the Sky. According to school director Marilyn Mathis, the prank was intended as a safety drill, which it kind of was if the goal was to teach students what to do if their teachers ever went bugfuck insane.
Step One: Find a new school district.
Many enraged parents hoping to see pink slips rain from the sky were sorely disappointed to find out that dickbaggery is not a firing offense -- it only resulted in suspensions for a teacher and the assistant principal. Well, that's fair -- after all, a suspension is what another district handed out to a 7-year-old for eating his Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun. That's pretty much the same thing.