5 Terrifying Ways Being in Love Chemically Impairs You

Love does things to a person -- you know this well if you've been in love, or within a hundred feet of a friend who is. Frilly-collared poets would have you believe that it's all part of love's magical spell, but luckily science has weighed in on the subject to let us know that love triggers all sorts of weird chemical and physical changes inside our brains and bodies. And once you know about these changes, it actually explains a lot ...

#5. Love Makes Us Go Blind (Figuratively)

Alex Brosa/Photos.com

We all have that one friend who dates the biggest tool in the universe and seems completely oblivious to how obviously terrible that person is (some of us have probably even been that friend). No matter how rude, obnoxious, drunken, or unfaithful their partner is, your friend will insist, "No, she's really nice when we're at home" or "Oh, he's just joking around, his dick isn't really made of tyrannosaurus bone," as if they are somehow incapable of seeing the same braying asshole we are. As it turns out, that is precisely what is happening -- they actually cannot see what a crusty dipshit their partner is.

Pixland/Pixland/Getty Images
"You're blinded by love ... and his meth smoke!"

There is a specific region in the human brain that is responsible for handling judgment, and under normal circumstances, it lights up like the flaming runway at the end of Die Hard 2 when we're presented with a new situation that requires immediate evaluation, such as meeting somebody for the first time or trying to figure out whether we like the changes to the TGI Fridays menu or if we should flip the table over and go to IHOP instead. We are judgmental creatures by nature, and we are eager to criticize. However, when we're infatuated with something, that judgment-casting region of our brains goes completely dark like a rolling blackout.

We actually become physically incapable of detecting the flaws in the things we love. Apparently, human biology believes it necessary to throw the blinders on in order for our species to survive -- we have a biological imperative to lower our standards.

Corey Ford/Photos.com
If unicorns weren't so high and mighty, they'd still be around today.

There is another phenomenon related to this love-blindness called the halo effect, and amazingly it has nothing to do with eliminating your dating competition with a pair of dual-wielded needlers. The halo effect refers to our habit of extending one positive quality that a person possesses to the rest of their character, basically giving us an excuse to like that person. When your friend laughs at the hot girl's terrible joke, he's not faking it -- his brain is telling him, "This person has what you look for in a mating partner, therefore from now on, every little thing she does is magic."

#4. Our Brains Steer Us Toward the Worst Possible Match


When choosing a partner, we tend to look for somebody with a personality and set of interests closely resembling our own (please note: "fabulous abs" qualifies as a set of interests). As appealing as a torrid love affair with the barista at Starbucks might seem, the relationship is more or less doomed from the start, because at the end of the day you don't know anything about that person, and exposing your genitals in the proximity of scalding coffee is a terrible icebreaker. Conventional wisdom dictates that it's better to find a match, because that way you and your partner are less likely to bore and/or annoy the shit out of each other.

George Doyle/Photos.com
"Basically, Lady Constance, your marrying the chauffeur would bring disgrace and disaster to this home."

However, if the timeless ballad of Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat has taught us anything, it's that certain people are only attracted to their complete opposites. It turns out this isn't just a product of terrible decision-making -- there's a neurochemical process at work here that they can do absolutely nothing about it.

Let's talk about hormones again for a second. In many cases, the "opposites attract" phenomenon involves an estrogen-dominant personality being drawn to a testosterone-dominant one, and vice versa. For instance, a nurturing person might be more attracted to an "alpha male" (read: asshole), and a dominant person might be helplessly smitten with a reserved, more submissive person. According to psychologists, these people are unconsciously trying to balance out the deficiencies in their own personalities and form a complementary relationship, sort of like yin and yang, or Tango and Cash.

Warner Bros.
Which is why their love scene was so passionate but their romance was ultimately fleeting.

There's another kind of opposite-attraction that is so specific, scientists have actually gotten together and named it like the class hamster. It's called the precarious couple effect, and it refers to the pairing of a loud, highly critical woman with a shy, introverted man. Unsurprisingly, the relationships resulting from these pairings are deeply unfulfilling for both parties, in an "I'd rather grundle punch a crocodile than look at my partner's stupid horrible face for one more second" sort of way. So why in the hell do these people get together in the first place?

Well, because in the early stage of a relationship, the wholly incompatible personalities seem appealing in that yin-yang way we discussed above. For example, a man who doesn't talk a lot would find the prospect of an outspoken girlfriend attractive, because her presence would make him feel more comfortable in social situations -- if she's doing all the talking, he doesn't have to. Conversely, a woman who loves to talk would be equally attracted to a man who listens patiently and never tries to interrupt. It is only when they finally start dating that they begin to notice how much they cannot stand each other -- the woman's vocally critical nature grates on the verbally passive man, and his yielding spinelessness drives her fucking insane.

#3. Love Suddenly Makes Awkward People Social

Paul Vasarhelyi/Photos.com

For those of you who were socially awkward in your teens or 20s, let us ask you something: After you finally got your first girlfriend or boyfriend, how many of you immediately found it much easier to flirt with others? It's like there's this lifelong dry spell, and suddenly it ends all at once. It may even seem like a cruel Catch-22 -- for the first time, you have all of these strangers lunging for your junk, but now you're in a relationship and can't reciprocate.

LuminaStock/iStock/Getty Images
"Honey, she followed me home from Home Depot. Can we keep her?"

The obvious answer would be that finally getting some action gave you confidence, and confidence is always attractive. But there's a deeper, more scientific answer.

It's because when we're dating someone we're happy with, our bodies release significant amounts of oxytocin, the main hormone involved in the chemical process of love. One of the things oxytocin does is make us more empathetic toward others, which in turn makes us more likely to properly interpret even the subtlest social cues, such as the casual folding of the arms signaling that your date is ready to go home, or the gentle raising of an eyebrow indicating that the bathroom drapes are not for wiping.

And yes, it is another of the body's cruel paradoxes -- you don't get the chemicals that attract partners until after you've attracted a partner.

Catherine Yeulet /Photos.com
And if your relationship sucks, you never get them at all.

Oxytocin actually has enough of an effect that scientists feel it could potentially be used to help treat severe social disorders such as autism. However, only people who were previously terrible at navigating social situations experience any benefit. If you were already awesome at meeting people and making friends, being in a healthy, intimate relationship isn't going to make you any better at recruiting teammates on trivia night. So you might as well break up with that person, because it's not like they're getting you any closer to winning that free plate of cheese fries at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!