Every species on Earth has certain connotations associated with it. The idea of an antisocial dog, a friendly spider, a brainless fox, or a cat that won't pee on your laundry just makes no sense to us. And yet plenty of animals raise a middle finger (or claw, or tentacle) to stereotypes and flip our world upside down. Like ...
#5. Flying God Damn Snakes
Snakes are slithering, scaly creepy-crawlies. But if you can get to higher ground, their powers quickly become useless. Good luck navigating a rope ladder, stupid snake.
You'd just get confused and try mating with it.
Some snakes can fucking fly. Nothing is ever safe again.
Yes, even though it sounds like a horrible SyFy Original Movie, there are in fact real snakes that can fly from tree to tree and, not coincidentally, from nightmare to nightmare. Known as Chrysopelea, these affronts to all things good and pure initially appear to simply fall from a very tall place. That in itself would be plenty awful, since it is now raining snakes. But mid fall, Chrys (can we call you Chrys? No? We'll just stick to calling you the work of the devil then) will contort its body into an S shape, catching the wind and effectively turning its body into one gigantic wing.
It's unknown exactly how far they can fly, although obviously any distance is too far.
Oh, and don't think that hitting the ground is going to stun the Snake That Should Not Be. Chrysopelea actually uses its muscular tail to break its fall, allowing it to land and continue unharmed on its merry way toward blasphemy.
The tail absorbs the fall's impact and converts it to fear.
They're venomous too, because hope is a lie and God exists, but he friggin' hates you. Scientists say it's not potent enough to be a danger to humans, but try explaining that to our underwear.
#4. The Fish That Walk on Land
Fish gotta swim -- and that's about it. If a fish ends up out of the water, chances are its final resting place is on somebody's plate, slathered in mayonnaise and lemon zest and served with greasy chips.
Then you shit in the ocean, and the circle of fish goes on.
Unless you're this little guy, that is:
Not the big guy with the hands. The little guy.
This is the walking catfish, which, like every animal, has a Latin name that all reports include even though nobody ever uses them. We're not going to include it. As you can see, this is not simply a fish sticking its head out of the water for maybe a second before darting back down into the watery abyss. No, this thing can and will go for a leisurely jaunt right through an environment that should, by all rights, kill it. And as a bonus, it does so while doing the Carlton Dance.
As long as their skin remains moist, they can hang out in most any climate. It's been spotted in Asia, Florida, California, Georgia, Massachusetts, Nevada, Connecticut -- that covers just about every direction of the country, so don't be shocked if you wander outside tomorrow and see a bunch of these goofy flopping bastards marching down Main Street.
Luckily for us, thus far walking catfish seem to sustain themselves on insects, plants, and tiny fish -- not your unsupervised toddlers. And yet, we still advise you to treat them with caution. While there's no proof that these fish are advance scouts surveying our pitiful surface world in preparation for an impending invasion from the deep, that could just show how good they are at their jobs.
#3. The Pandas That Have Loud, Violent, Gangbang Sex
Pandas are the prudes of the animal world, with a disinterest in sex that is literally driving them to extinction. We've tried to convince them how awesome boning is in numerous creative ways (including kinky panda porn), but nothing seems to work.
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Human panda fetishists have more sex than actual pandas worldwide.
When placed in a small box with a bunch of creepy men in white coats yelling at them to just get it over with and pork already, pandas do tend to suffer from performance anxiety. Wouldn't you? But in the wild they get downright freaky. And not in a cute way: Their preferred methods of procreation are gangbangs and rape.
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Unfortunate, but the byproduct is adorable.
The typical panda first date goes as follows: A female gets horny, so she climbs a tree and shouts to the world that she wants a little action. A bunch of nearby males gather around and beat the snuggles out of one another, and whoever wins gets the honor of making panda babies with her.
Or more accurately, he gets the honor of going first. Those pandas that just lost the big fluffy battle royale are still there, and are very eager to take their turn once Bear #1 finishes up. Of course, bears must follow proper gangbang protocol at all times, so they beat the tar out of one another yet again until a new champion emerges. He goes second. A new battle then begins for sloppy thirds, then another one for fourths, and on and on until the female comes out of heat, or the males collapse in utter exhaustion.
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The last, weakest panda may impregnate her. Take that, natural selection!
Of course, some males don't give two shits about waiting for some signal. For them, it's far easier to just find a gal, chase her up a tree, and then patiently sit and wait. It might take days, weeks, or even months, but hey -- she's gotta come down sometime, and apparently pandas can nurse their frustrated erections for a shockingly long time.