5 Animals That Refuse to Play by the Rules of Evolution
Every species on Earth has certain connotations associated with it. The idea of an antisocial dog, a friendly spider, a brainless fox, or a cat that won't pee on your laundry just makes no sense to us. And yet plenty of animals raise a middle finger (or claw, or tentacle) to stereotypes and flip our world upside down. Like ...
Flying God Damn Snakes
Snakes are slithering, scaly creepy-crawlies. But if you can get to higher ground, their powers quickly become useless. Good luck navigating a rope ladder, stupid snake.
You'd just get confused and try mating with it.
Some snakes can fucking fly. Nothing is ever safe again.
Yes, even though it sounds like a horrible SyFy Original Movie, there are in fact real snakes that can fly from tree to tree and, not coincidentally, from nightmare to nightmare. Known as Chrysopelea, these affronts to all things good and pure initially appear to simply fall from a very tall place. That in itself would be plenty awful, since it is now raining snakes. But mid fall, Chrys (can we call you Chrys? No? We'll just stick to calling you the work of the devil then) will contort its body into an S shape, catching the wind and effectively turning its body into one gigantic wing.
It's unknown exactly how far they can fly, although obviously any distance is too far.
Oh, and don't think that hitting the ground is going to stun the Snake That Should Not Be. Chrysopelea actually uses its muscular tail to break its fall, allowing it to land and continue unharmed on its merry way toward blasphemy.
The tail absorbs the fall's impact and converts it to fear.
They're venomous too, because hope is a lie and God exists, but he friggin' hates you. Scientists say it's not potent enough to be a danger to humans, but try explaining that to our underwear.
Related: Massive Snake Spotted in Frick Park
The Fish That Walk on Land
Fish gotta swim -- and that's about it. If a fish ends up out of the water, chances are its final resting place is on somebody's plate, slathered in mayonnaise and lemon zest and served with greasy chips.
Then you shit in the ocean, and the circle of fish goes on.
Unless you're this little guy, that is:
Not the big guy with the hands. The little guy.
This is the walking catfish, which, like every animal, has a Latin name that all reports include even though nobody ever uses them. We're not going to include it. As you can see, this is not simply a fish sticking its head out of the water for maybe a second before darting back down into the watery abyss. No, this thing can and will go for a leisurely jaunt right through an environment that should, by all rights, kill it. And as a bonus, it does so while doing the Carlton Dance.
As long as their skin remains moist, they can hang out in most any climate. It's been spotted in Asia, Florida, California, Georgia, Massachusetts, Nevada, Connecticut -- that covers just about every direction of the country, so don't be shocked if you wander outside tomorrow and see a bunch of these goofy flopping bastards marching down Main Street.
Luckily for us, thus far walking catfish seem to sustain themselves on insects, plants, and tiny fish -- not your unsupervised toddlers. And yet, we still advise you to treat them with caution. While there's no proof that these fish are advance scouts surveying our pitiful surface world in preparation for an impending invasion from the deep, that could just show how good they are at their jobs.
The Pandas That Have Loud, Violent, Gangbang Sex
Pandas are the prudes of the animal world, with a disinterest in sex that is literally driving them to extinction. We've tried to convince them how awesome boning is in numerous creative ways (including kinky panda porn), but nothing seems to work.
Human panda fetishists have more sex than actual pandas worldwide.
When placed in a small box with a bunch of creepy men in white coats yelling at them to just get it over with and pork already, pandas do tend to suffer from performance anxiety. Wouldn't you? But in the wild they get downright freaky. And not in a cute way: Their preferred methods of procreation are gangbangs and rape.
Unfortunate, but the byproduct is adorable.
The typical panda first date goes as follows: A female gets horny, so she climbs a tree and shouts to the world that she wants a little action. A bunch of nearby males gather around and beat the snuggles out of one another, and whoever wins gets the honor of making panda babies with her.
Or more accurately, he gets the honor of going first. Those pandas that just lost the big fluffy battle royale are still there, and are very eager to take their turn once Bear #1 finishes up. Of course, bears must follow proper gangbang protocol at all times, so they beat the tar out of one another yet again until a new champion emerges. He goes second. A new battle then begins for sloppy thirds, then another one for fourths, and on and on until the female comes out of heat, or the males collapse in utter exhaustion.
The last, weakest panda may impregnate her. Take that, natural selection!
Of course, some males don't give two shits about waiting for some signal. For them, it's far easier to just find a gal, chase her up a tree, and then patiently sit and wait. It might take days, weeks, or even months, but hey -- she's gotta come down sometime, and apparently pandas can nurse their frustrated erections for a shockingly long time.
The Pretty Little Poisonous Songbirds
Cute little songbirds are harmless, pretty, and oh-so-delicious. Bonus: They're totally defenseless if you actually manage to catch one.
They'll poop in your hands, but it's harmless.
Though rare and mostly confined to the mean streets of Papua New Guinea, poisonous songbirds exist, and they mean business. The pitohui and blue-capped ifrita literally coat themselves in poison, to the point where your hands go numb if you so much as touch one.
The pitohui and ifrita use batrachotoxin, one of the deadliest poisons in the world -- the same one used by the golden dart frog. Also like the dart frog, the birds obtain this poison from the prey they eat: the melyrid beetle. It takes a dozen or so beetles to properly fuel up the birdies for a hard day's work spent sitting plainly in the open and daring predators to eat them. Yep, these birds are brightly colored, are extremely easy to spot, and could not possibly care less. They don't dart. They don't hide. They just sing their pretty songs as loud as they can, right in the open, and brother, if you don't like it, what the hell are you gonna do about it?
The Adorable Penguins That Will Jack You Up
Awwww, peng'ins! Lookit their widdle tuxedos; they think they're going to a fancy party. Peng'ins, you are the best at being peng'ins and everybody loves you.
Ooh, he's just a waddling mound of clumsy cool!
Adelie penguins may look the part, but they are neither cuddly nor wuddly. And they are not wearing those adorable little suits to crash a wedding; they just attend a lot of funerals. An Adelie penguin will straight fuck you up if you get too close. Look what a half dozen of them do to this poor penguin chick that was stupid enough to tread on rival territory:
But Adelie depravity doesn't begin and end with mere violence: They will also rape each other, jack off in public, commit necrophilia, and engage in prostitution.
Haha, what? Penguin prostitution? Do they trade beak jobs for fish?
Funny you should mention it ... Adelie penguins build their nests out of stone. To get these stones, they sometimes have to steal them from rival penguins. But, since we've already seen what happens when you start frontin' in penguin town, a safer alternative is for the mommy to give up her body in exchange for some precious stones.
Don't judge. She's just putting a roof over/around her kids' heads.
After years of careful study, experts can't figure out if this is high-class, wacky Julia Roberts whoring or gritty, heartrending Julia Minesci whoring, primarily because all penguins look like tiny fat gentlemen.
Just don't let the Adelie hear you talkin' that racist trash, or you'll come off the ice with beak-shaped scars, if you come off the ice at all.
Sativa Savant can be found putting the beat down at SoundCloud, putting videos on YouTube, and selling music on Bandcamp under the aliases Ancient Teknologi and Liquid Steal. Ryan Menezes is a writer and layout editor here at Cracked. He broke down and made a Twitter page just for his Cracked fans.
Want to know the real reason they don't want evolution taught in school? Watch this Cracked video.
Related Reading: You can blame the pain from getting kicked in the nuts on evolution too. It seems doubly insulting when you realize we were just one meteor strike away from being lizard people. Still aren't pissed at evolution? Look at these awesome creatures it ruined.