5 Animals That Do The Exact Opposite Of What They're Supposed To

Yes, even though it sounds like a horrible SyFy Original Movie, there are in fact real snakes that can fly from tree to tree and, not coincidentally, from nightmare to nightmare. Known as Chrysopelea, these affronts to all things good and pure initially appear to simply fall from a very tall place. That in itself would be plenty awful, since it is now raining snakes. But mid fall, Chrys (can we call you Chrys? No? We'll just stick to calling you the work of the devil then) will contort its body into an S shape, catching the wind and effectively turning its body into one gigantic wing.

It's unknown exactly how far they can fly, although obviously any distance is too far.

Oh, and don't think that hitting the ground is going to stun the Snake That Should Not Be. Chrysopelea actually uses its muscular tail to break its fall, allowing it to land and continue unharmed on its merry way toward blasphemy.

The tail absorbs the fall's impact and converts it to fear.

Oh!

They're venomous too, because hope is a lie and God exists, but he friggin' hates you. Scientists say it's not potent enough to be a danger to humans, but try explaining that to our underwear.

Related: Massive Snake Spotted in Frick Park

The Mythbuster:

Unless you're this little guy, that is:

Not the big guy with the hands. The little guy.

This is the walking catfish, which, like every animal, has a Latin name that all reports include even though nobody ever uses them. We're not going to include it. As you can see, this is not simply a fish sticking its head out of the water for maybe a second before darting back down into the watery abyss. No, this thing can and will go for a leisurely jaunt right through an environment that should, by all rights, kill it. And as a bonus, it does so while doing the Carlton Dance.

As long as their skin remains moist, they can hang out in most any climate. It's been spotted in Asia, Florida, California, Georgia, Massachusetts, Nevada, Connecticut -- that covers just about every direction of the country, so don't be shocked if you wander outside tomorrow and see a bunch of these goofy flopping bastards marching down Main Street.

Luckily for us, thus far walking catfish seem to sustain themselves on insects, plants, and tiny fish -- not your unsupervised toddlers. And yet, we still advise you to treat them with caution. While there's no proof that these fish are advance scouts surveying our pitiful surface world in preparation for an impending invasion from the deep, that could just show how good they are at their jobs.

Related: The Scientific Movement To Declare Fish A Myth (It Makes Sense. Really.)

The last, weakest panda may impregnate her. Take that, natural selection!

Of course, some males don't give two shits about waiting for some signal. For them, it's far easier to just find a gal, chase her up a tree, and then patiently sit and wait. It might take days, weeks, or even months, but hey -- she's gotta come down sometime, and apparently pandas can nurse their frustrated erections for a shockingly long time.

Related: A Zoo Is Bribing A Weird Panda With Sex

But Adelie depravity doesn't begin and end with mere violence: They will also rape each other, jack off in public, commit necrophilia, and engage in prostitution.

Haha, what? Penguin prostitution? Do they trade beak jobs for fish?

Funny you should mention it ... Adelie penguins build their nests out of stone. To get these stones, they sometimes have to steal them from rival penguins. But, since we've already seen what happens when you start frontin' in penguin town, a safer alternative is for the mommy to give up her body in exchange for some precious stones.

Don't judge. She's just putting a roof over/around her kids' heads.

After years of careful study, experts can't figure out if this is high-class, wacky Julia Roberts whoring or gritty, heartrending Julia Minesci whoring, primarily because all penguins look like tiny fat gentlemen.

Just don't let the Adelie hear you talkin' that racist trash, or you'll come off the ice with beak-shaped scars, if you come off the ice at all.

Sativa Savant can be found putting the beat down at SoundCloud, putting videos on YouTube, and selling music on Bandcamp under the aliases Ancient Teknologi and Liquid Steal. Ryan Menezes is a writer and layout editor here at Cracked. He broke down and made a Twitter page just for his Cracked fans.

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Want to know the real reason they don't want evolution taught in school? Watch this Cracked video.

Related Reading: You can blame the pain from getting kicked in the nuts on evolution too. It seems doubly insulting when you realize we were just one meteor strike away from being lizard people. Still aren't pissed at evolution? Look at these awesome creatures it ruined.