6 Formerly Kickass Creatures Ruined by Evolution
Evolution isn't perfect. Just as the Kennedy family can produce a Ted, some noble species go down the wrong genetic path and what used to be the Tyrannosaurus Rex can wind up as a modern chicken.
Here are six kickass creatures that evolution apparently decided were just too awesome to exist and then, to add insult to injury, evolved them into the crappiest replacements possible.
#6.
Hyaenodon gigas
Used to be ...
The Hyaenodon gigas was the size of a horse, with jaws as long as an alligator's, specially designed to tear away flesh. They had an acute sense of smell unmatched in the prehistoric world and weighed upwards of a quarter of a ton. They were swift, effective killing machines which traveled in packs and could, as a group, take down anything.
Remember the Velociraptor from Jurassic Park? Give it a sophisticated mammalian brain, warm blood and add a substantial amount of pure animal muscle and you have the Hyaenodon.
The Crappy Evolutionary Spin-off:
The fuzzy little raccoon. Despite its adorable eyes and overall cuteness, this animal doesn't have a lot going for it (though if it was domesticated it'd probably be more popular then dogs, what with their adorable little people-hands).
Far from being the dominant predator on Earth, wandering in vicious packs, raccoons spend their days as minor annoyances who tip over garbage cans. Rather then savaging the carcass of a fresh kill, raccoons hunt for that last bit of orange dust at the bottom of a discarded bag of Cheetos.
How the hell did that happen?
The Hyenadon lost the mammalian evolutionary arms race to larger, more merciless killing machines with more teeth and more muscle, slowly leaving behind only the ones small enough and smart (and cowardly) enough to hide. That's how in the game of evolution, the loser winds up extinct or reduced to stealing doormats.
#5.
Gastornis
Used to be ...
Looking at that picture you'll come to two conclusions: This was a huge, badass prehistoric bird thing, and that it was cursed with flamboyant red and blue feathers. Still, this gi-fucking-gantic carnivorous bird took no prisoners in the time period when the Mammalians were just starting to come into their own. This thing devoured our evolutionary predecessors with a hook-shaped beak that could crunch bone like pretzels, and was a couple of late-night eating binges away from wiping hairy, warm-blooded animals off of the Earth.
The Crappy Evolutionary Spin-off:
Essentially anything from the Avian order Struthioniformes is a descendant of this thing, which includes animals as menacing as the Kiwi and the Rhea.
The Rhea is known to frequently run into walls
If you want to hear about dramatic irony, because of human expansion all species of Kiwi and Rhea are endangered. Didn't catch that? The mammalians that their great, epic ancestor once crushed now are wiping what's left of it off of the natural playing field by building strip malls. Take that, assholes!
How the hell did that happen?
At the end of the day, the Gastornis just couldn't make babies as fast as the mammals, which reproduced and evolved faster then the Gastornis could keep up with. Eventually the mammalians overcame the threat and what Gastornis weren't promptly killed by the more numerous mammals were confined to the tropical jungles. This, however, proved to be a poor long-term strategy when a minor event known as the Ice Age upset a few ecosystems and forced them into extinction. The more adapted, furry mammals moved on, leaving this warm-weather flightless bird to die a cold, cold death.
One Gastornis descendant who seems to remember this is the Ostrich, which, at the sight of a human, will go right for the neck.
#4.
Smilodons (Sabre-Toothed Tigers)
Used to be ...
Anyone who has seen 10,000 BC (and escaped with their IQ intact) knows about Smilodons. With eight-inch blade-like teeth, these cats were the top predators of the late Pliestocine, and were the last dominant predators before our ancestors came along. They traveled in packs, the sight of which would make our ancestors crap their pants from miles away.
And rightfully so--a pack of these 500-pound beasts would bring their prey to the ground, then unsheath the blades and, with a single coup d'gras, bite through the major blood vessels and the windpipe.
The Crappy Evolutionary Spin-off:
You're probably thinking tigers here, but actually marsupials are all that is left of the classic Sabre-Tooth Cat (the felines were another branch on the evolutionary tree) so, sadly, the closest genetic connection remains adorable Koala Bears, Kangaroos and Opossums. The most common of these is the Opossum, most often seen in their natural habitat (the local freeway) in their instinctive 'bloody smear along the road' stance.
Yes, confronted with powerful human engineering, most of what is left of Smilodons are crunchy speed bumps.
As part of "playing possum," opossums will frequently wear a fake cast on their leg to gain sympathy
How the hell did that happen?
Speaking of powerful human engineering, Homo sapiens have been using its superior brain to destroy the cats since we first met them. Dramatic climate change coupled with the growth of the human race spelled the end for these great predators. Their descendants, led by the Koala Bear, survived by evolving until they were simply too cute to kill.
Though there is one marsupial still holding its ground: the Tasmanian Devil. The usual response to a natural sighting of these godless killing machines tends to be "HOLY SHIT A TASMANIAN DEVIL LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HE-(screams of agony)." It feasts on the dead and dying and leaves nothing but crushed bone and echoes of blood-curdling screams in its path.
Some sample comments from that video:
"I know from experience these "cute rats" are not teddy bears in any form. They will leave you with many bloody stitches and infections if bitten."
"one is biting me as we speak"
"i wanna be a tasmanian devil only thing is they don't spin like the cartoons"
Hey, it's YouTube.
"These adorable guys are about as threatening as Switzerland." Have you not heard of the Swiss guard? You might be more familiar with their other name, the Papal guard. Also known as, the dudes that dress like jackasses and guard the Pope. More commonly referred to as, the most highly-trained police force on the entire planet. They're pretty much the offspring of the Secret Service and a frilly-clothed Leonidas.
Replywow, normally I like the articles on cracked, but did you just pick badass prehistoric animals and then just throw a dart an the evolutionary tree to pick what its related to? Seriously, what the fuck? There was a species of sabertooth marsupial, thylacosmilus, but smilodon populator was a placental mammmal. They havent shared a common ancestor since BEFORE the dinosaurs were extinct. Wow. Five minutes or less on wikipedia could have told you that.
Replyscience here needs to be checked like crazy. Andrewsarchus died out long before the Ice Age began, Hyaenodon (Creodonta) and a racoon (Carnivora) aren't closely related, and Smilodon and an opossum are about as far apart as you can get on the mammalian family tree. Seriously, opossums are marsupials and Smilodon was a placental big cat. Placentals and Marsupials are the 2 groups that mammals are divided into. There were marsupial saber tooths, but Smilodon was not one of them, and the marsupial sabertooths were NOT closely related to Smilodon. Instead, Smilodon was a cat, members of the family Felidae just like modern big cats
ReplyInteresting article, but please learn the difference between "then" and "than".
ReplyGreat article, but Rheas can be pretty fearsome and have a very sharp peck!
Reply#6: Dinosaurs had warm blood.
ReplyFor Thor's sake, did EVERYTHING have huge-assed fangs back in the day?
ReplyI remember reading something about modern pigs and how they are alot smarter than modern dogs and cats. and when they are feral, they are something i wouldnt want to encounter without a weapon
ReplyGastornis actually wasn't related to ratites such as the kiwi and rhea. Nowadays it's considered to be an anseriform - basically, a giant killer duck.
ReplyAnd Andrewsarchus was actually closely-related to the ancestors of whales. And we on Cracked all know that the Killer Whale is the biggest badass in the animal kingdom.
They look really badass, but we should be glad that they don't exist anymore, just think about it, we'd be nothing but food for them
ReplyNo more "top of the food chain" for us if they we're still around
I can't deny that the old versions are kickass, but my ovaries (and also the part of my brain that fears death) approve of the modern versions.
ReplyI wish I could remember what kind of animal this was (goat-like, but I just can't remember the damn name), but regardless, their bloodline shared similarities with the fainting goats. Of course it was far more depressing. You had to soothe them to wake them up or else they could die.
Replyas a child who. was. fascinated with prehistoric animals, I've known. abou. Andrewsarchus for quite some time, and it was the first thing. that came to mind when I saw this. article. For me, it is the defining example of how evolution. changes species, since it was the first incidence of giant-carnivore turning into a fluffy farm animal that I learned of.
ReplyRead this comment with a William Shatner voice.
That last video pretty much made my lifetime.
ReplyGood God that's the silliest animal in the world.
Isn't that how evolution works though? Mother Nature throws a pile of awesome s**t at the wall, just to see what sticks?
ReplyDramatic Irony doesn't mean "really impressive irony." It means "the audience knows something the characters in the story don't, and therefore experience something as ironic, while the characters don't." It's like when you go back and see The Empire Strikes Back, after you have seen Return of the Jedi, and it gets to the part where Leia deep-kisses Luke in front of Han. That squicky feeling you get at that point is dramatic irony.
ReplyThe sloth is only slow on land/ in trees. Those things move pretty well in water.
ReplyDrop-Bears. Snakes and spiders aren't the only things that kill you here.
ReplyThat category includes: Every living thing in Australia, and some cunning rocks.
But even Drop-Bears aren't as frightening as Hoop Snakes.
Thylacoleo and Thylacosmilus were the marsupial equivalents of the placental felidae. (Thylacines are the so-called 'Tasmanian Wolf' that was driven to extinction in recent history.)
ReplyI will never look at a racoon the same way again
Reply