#3. Woman Hires Another Woman to Pretend to Be a Man Disguised as a Woman to Kill Her Husband
Back in 1920s Pressburg (known today as Bratislava), Mrs. Draskoczy decided she wanted her wealthy husband, Arpad, out of the picture. So, she hired a female assassin disguised as a governess, who slowly began poisoning Arpad's food and sending him steamy love letters. Mrs. Draskoczy hoped that her husband would start feeling so terrorized by the governess that he would finally consent to a divorce, because logic wasn't invented until sometime in the late 1970s.
Leaving your murderous wife for your murderous maid was an old Slovak tradition.
Arpad did indeed begin to feel terrorized, but instead of agreeing to a divorce, he simply insisted that his wife taste all of his food for him to make sure it was safe and told the governess to quit sending him mash notes. Muttering creative Czech curses under her breath, Mrs. Draskoczy began Phase II, which was to convince her husband that the governess was A) actually trying to sleep with her and not him, and B) was really a man in disguise (neither of those things were true). Arpad, who as we have come to learn was a man of much more principle than sense, confronted the governess with his wife's accusations. The governess insisted that she really was a woman, and invited him to her bedroom to check for himself. Arpad obliged, and once they were both in the bedroom, the governess pulled out a gun and shot him in the head.
He thought he'd see her Featherbottom, but he instead became a victim of Doubtfire.
However, not only did the bullet not kill him immediately, it apparently made him forget everything that had happened during the previous 10 seconds, because he became convinced the shot had come from somewhere outside the mansion and grabbed his own rifle to go investigate, leaving his would-be assassin sitting on her bed in the dark with a smoking pistol. Sadly, the bullet eventually caught up with Arpad and he died later in the hospital, but not before giving a statement that implicated his two bumbling murderers. And after police were finished diagramming the extremely complicated stupidity of the scheme -- which presumably took seven hours and a sextant -- they arrested Mrs. Draskoczy and her faux gender-reversed divorce-hit man.
#2. People Think Facebook Is a Smuggler's Den of Professional Killers
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Native Pennsylvanian and cosmic piece of twig-brambled shit Corey Christian Adams found himself in hot water a few years back when a girl accused him of raping her while she was passed out in his car. Corey took to Facebook to issue a carte-blanche bounty, offering the lucky first responder $500 for the girl's head. And that's not us using theatrical language for the purposes of this article -- Corey literally said he needed "a girl's head," and then quickly clarified that the girl in question needed to be "knocked off right now," because he is a soul-farting crotch vampire. Corey was stunned to discover that the police were not only aware of Facebook, but were also able to see his totally public "rape victim elimination" request, and he went to jail for soliciting murder (and also for being a rapist).
He insisted the posts were just "misunderstood rape jokes." The judge doubled the sentence.
When Meredith Lowell took to Facebook to order a murder last year, she at least went to the trouble of making an account under a false name (please note this did nothing to delay her capture). Lowell used her account to post an open request to any remorseless stab machine who happened to see it, wanting someone killed outside of her local library for wearing fur. Not a specific person wearing fur, mind you -- absolutely anyone at all who happened to be wearing fur outside this particular building. She further stipulated that the hit man should either use a gun with a silencer or a knife with a 4-inch blade, and that the target should be at least 12 years old, because filleting an 11-year-old would clearly cross a moral line. She then specified that the victim should take no more than two minutes to die, giving her time to show up and distribute a stack of anti-fur pamphlets next to the freshly-made corpse, because she is crazier than a cartoon jackrabbit. Unsurprisingly, the FBI answered her friend request almost immediately, and she now does all her poking from a jail cell.
Department of Justice
Her first mugshot included duckface. The judge tripled her sentence.
#1. A Doctor Hires a Man for His Own Murder
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Back in the 1950s, a psychiatrist named Dr. Charles Pearman decided that he'd had enough of life's cruel game and decided to troll the seediest bar he could find for a disreputable gent willing to shoot him in the chest for $500. He'd recently gotten divorced, lost a substantial lawsuit against the Detroit Police Department, and professed his love to a totally uninterested married woman, all things that are known in the field of forensic psychology as "real bummers."
The screams at his asylum were the only thing keeping him sane.
Pearman met an affable porter at a nightclub and asked the man to track down "a Negro" ex-convict who would be willing to do the deed, because this was 1955 and people still operated on a complex series of racist assumptions rather than thoughts. The porter set him up with an undercover cop, and Pearman slid the patrolman a cool $50, promising the remaining $450 once the job was done.
How would he pay it if he were dead? Well, he'd take that secret to his grave.
He told the man to come by his office and make the whole thing look like a robbery, because people apparently rob administrative offices in mental health institutions all the time. But when the big day came, Pearman got cold feet. The undercover cop showed up at the appointed Murder Time in full arrest mode, only to find that the doctor had abandoned his office in favor of a crowded officers' party at a nearby Naval Air Station, where he was statistically less likely to be assassinated by a nightclub hitman. He was quickly located and arrested but was later released into the care of a former colleague for psychiatric treatment, because the judge figured they really couldn't charge him for soliciting murder when he had been trying to kill himself. Man, that's got to be depressing, finding out that your own violent death wouldn't have even been a crime.
Ah well, looks like it's suicide again for Pearman.
Related Reading: Ever hear about the man who tried to assassinate JFK with a car full of dynamite? Read all about it here. And did you know Jim Bowie was immune to knives? It's true. Click here for some assassination attempts that almost fucked the world.
Bruce Lee tried to kill ET once. It was glorious.