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We could play the what-if game all day. "What if Hitler had really been killed in the Operation Valkyrie assassination plot?" Answer: Not a hell of a lot would be different. But that's not always the case. Some assassination attempts have come dangerously close to changing the world in horrifying ways. We're not saying we'd be living in a land of breakdancing dinosaurs and chocolate flavored rainbows if a few things had gone the other way ... we're just saying we might all be Nazis. #6.
The Kaplan Incident
The Target: Vladimir Lenin If Successful: The Nazis would have won World War II. Fanny Kaplan, besides sounding like an LSAT prep teacher slash old-time burlesque dancer, was a political revolutionary during the Bolshevik Revolution. Unfortunately for her, she wasn't a Bolshevik, but a Socialist Revolutionary and her party was banned by Lenin shortly after he came into power. Already a little messed up in the head from a stint in a Siberian prison, Fanny figured assassinating Vladimir Lenin would be the perfect way to get her party back on track. So she fired three shots at him on August 30, 1918. He survived the assassination attempt, and showed her what was what by having her and a few thousand others assassinated three days later.
But What if She Succeeded? The Bolshevik Revolution would have collapsed. And the Nazis would have won WWII. By 1918, Lenin's ability to inspire crowds and his willingness to kill the crap out of anyone who opposed him was the only thing keeping the loose factions of the newly triumphant Bolsheviks together. Especially since his Czar-loving opposition, awesomely called the White Russians, were backed by the better funded Allies.
Without Lenin, the White Russians would have won the struggle for control of Russia, and a non-communist, possibly even democratic government would have eventually emerged. So Joseph Stalin wouldn't have been around to kill tens of millions of Russian people, which would have been super, but there also would have been no "Uncle Joe" to drag Russia kicking and screaming into modernity so that they could have the military badassery to kill eight out of every 10 Germans that died in WWII. Of course, that also means Hitler's ill-fated invasion of Russia may have been a raging success, providing the Nazis with the much needed manpower, raw materials and crops they needed to win the war. So, yeah, thanks Fanny. Thanks for failing.
#5.
Giuseppe Zangara and The Man in The High Castle
The Target: Franklin Delano Roosevelt If Successful: A Fascist planet. In February 1933, America was in the anaconda vice hold of the Depression and Franklin Roosevelt was less than a month away from his first inauguration. But a five-foot tall bricklayer named Giuseppe Zangara nearly undid the 20th century when he showed up at an FDR speech in Miami with the intention (we think) of killing the president-elect. Fortunately, Zangara was so short that he had to stand on a wobbly folding chair to get his shot, which missed. Then the surrounding crowd knocked the short out of him as Zangara fired wildly in FDR's general direction.
But What if He Succeeded? Aside from the tragic loss of one of the most influential figures in history, how would the assassination of FDR have affected everyday life as we know it? According to one expert, we'd be living in something out of a science fiction novel. In fact, somebody did write a science-fiction novel about it, and he was none other than the legendary Philip K. Dick.
In 1963's The Man in the High Castle, Dick imagined the assassination of FDR as a "point of divergence," in history, triggering a domino of events starting with a weak Vice President Garner taking office. Unlike FDR, Garner maintains the stance of isolationism through the war. The Allies lose without America's help and, shortly thereafter, the Axis powers turn their attention to conquering the U.S. Which they do, in 1948. Because Hitler's still alive, but debilitated by syphilis (?), his under-Fuhrer is the guy who starts rolling out the Mein Kampf agenda. Specifically, the eradication of the world's inferior races. And, oh yeah, Germany's unstoppable rocket program gets the Swastika on the moon, Mars and Venus, which is important because colonizing the solar system with National Socialism is all the rage.
If looking at the Axis map below isn't enough to thank your god for Giuseppe Zangara's height/aim/planning deficiencies, then you're either a Fascist or maybe you just think Philip K. Dick was full of shit.
#4.
Kyujo Incident
The Target: Japanese Emperor Hirohito and other officials, when they were on the verge of surrendering WWII. If Successful: Japan would be a barren wasteland. By mid-August 1945, the war in the Pacific was just about over. The USSR had bounced Japan's ass out of Manchuria; Hiroshima and Nagasaki were still smoldering; and Emperor Hirohito was finally ready to announce he was going to call it a day and surrender.
But not everyone on Team Japan was cool with surrendering to the Allies. So officers of the War Ministry and the Imperial Guard concocted the plan to prevent Hirohito's announcement of surrender, namely by assassinating all of the peaceniks except for the emperor, who would be placed under "protective custody."
Then the plan would be to broadcast an alternate speech declaring Japan's intention to fight down to the last man, woman and child. Fortunately, four officers went A-Team on the conspirators' asses and the whole shebang fell apart at the last minute. But What if They Succeeded? Japan would be a barren wasteland. And we'd all probably be radioactive mutants. Had Hirohito not surrendered, the Allies would have implemented Operation Downfall, an apocalyptic plan that would have resulted in millions of Allied casualties and tens of millions of Japanese casualties. One military planner estimated that SEVEN atomic bombs would have been ready for detonation by X-Day, which was scheduled for November 1, 1945. And as if this scenario wasn't horrific enough, the U.S. had absolutely no idea what the fuck they were doing with nuclear warfare, and were prepared to send troops into ground zero with no radiation gear whatsoever only 48-hours after the atomic bombings. And don't think that it would have just been American troops dropping into Radiationland. Allied troops from Britain, Australia, Canada and New Zealand would have also been invited to the poison party.
And then they'd all have gone home and got started on that baby boom we've heard so much about. Would the next generation have been born with grotesque deformities? Or superpowers? The world will never know. |
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I kind if wish that there hadn't been so many no-more-America scenarios... but great job anyways.
Someone should write a sci-fi novel about #4!
(Someone like me? They say everyone has one great novel in them...;)
Too bad, 3 and 2 didn't happen :(
too bad. darwin would have been executed by the pope, science and medicine hindered, and we would be praying to God that our severed limbs will reattach themselves to our bodies after the running bulls plow through crowds of civilians every year :)
Dare I say, DangerHamster. You don't know that.
Well, history IS written by winners.
Nope. History is indeed written by the writers.
the writers are the winners
I love how everyone in the comments has these theories about the Lenin assaination.
Hey, here's my theory: We won't know what would happen unless it had actually happended.
Most of you act like you lived throughout all the years World War II took place and have some great understanding of the Nazis.
Or perhaps that's just what it seems like.
The one about Lenin is not necessarily true. Many credit Stalin's arrogance as the reason why Russia sustained so many casualties in WWII, rather than winning more favorably at the hands of skilled Russian commanders. If the Czars were still in power in the 40's it is conceivable that Russia would have sustained a Nazi invasion.
Also, the British had tons of opportunities to kill George Washington outright on the battlefield, but they failed (or refused to dishonor their opponents by killing their top commander). I don't know how important the Tory Conspiracy actually was, considering that Washington could have met his demise by much more predictable means.
Actually, entire books have been written over Washington's insane luck on the battlefield. He had horses shot out from under hi, his hat blow away, his clothes torn apart, but he was never wounded. As for the validity of the Tory Conspiracy, meh. this was a time when royalty and politics were considered honorable.
If Russia was democratic, don't you think they would allied to the west long before Polish invasion? And then, maybe they would f**k Hitler on his first attempt on Austria.
that's a possibility, but Albert Einstein might have moved to Russia instead of the USA and they would have gotten nuclear weapons first :( leading to Russia bombing j*pan (or, bombing the USA instead :O)
Allied, yes, but don't forget how economically backward Russia was at this time. That's the point the article is trying to make. As sinister and brutal as the five year plans were, they created the industrialised economy we associate with the Soviet Union.
At the end of the first page, isn't that SCP-044? If anyone knows what I'm talking about?
I love how the last three weren't "Would have f**ked the world" but were "The Empire would still be up and running, and 4chan wouldn't have any "The main difference between Britain and America"-type cancer".
If Lenin had gotten assassinated then Trotsky probably would have taken over. Who was even more bloodthirsty than Lenin. But Hitler never would have gotten started. Since the German's basic fear was getting murdered by the Communists. Like they did to the Russian people.
lenin opposed ademocracy that removed the czar-sides stalin is worse than hitler!!!!!!!!!!!!
this reminds me of dc follies ep fredy kruger is about to dice ageorgr bush puppet and fred willard says no mr kruger- if you kill him--then dan quayle bcomes president!
So, when you say "F#@ked the World", you mean "F#@ked the USA". I'm surprised that the french revolution didn't appear anywhere in here, BTW.
Ok, so am I getting this right, nothing would have changed if Hitler died so the war could be ended a year earlier than it was? Because as we all know, no one died from the war in the second half of 1944 and in 1945, right? Then you proceed to say that Hitler would have won if not for america, when you clearly state in another article that Germany wouldn't have won regardless because they had Russia against them. I mean seriously, I know this site is supposed to be funny and light reading and stuff, but get your s**t together, you don't have to be idiots to write fun articles
you're forgetting the battle of the bulge, in the winter of 1944-1945. it was the german's last attempt at succeeding at life. it was a rediculous fight and the allied troups took heavy casualties. if hitler was dead, it wouldnt have happened, considering the attack was his plan. so, some parts would have changed, like the war ending a year earlier or so.
And America totally won the war single handedly. Just like they won WW1 single handedly. Right guys? That happened right?
Hitler dying may or may not have shortened the war. If Himler had kept the reigns on the rest of Hitler's underlings if Hitler were assassinated (or just broke his f**kin' neck on a flight of stairs), it's pure speculation what may have happened beyond that.
Hmmmm.. Interesting how most of these events concerned America more than the world. Perhaps they should have changed the title? Still, the Hirohito conspiracy should have been no. 1, it was more life threatening.
Stuff like this makes you think, "There has got to be something stopping senarios like this". Really, most of this was coincidence and is really chilling.
There isn't. Scenarios like this happen, and succeed, all the time. It's just that we are accustomed to the results. What makes you think that this world we have wound up with is so great, anyway?
Ha ha! If Queen Elizabeth was assassinated we'd all be speaking Spanish now. If you haven't noticed, more and more products are now bilingual. Within the next hundred years we'll all be forced to habla Espanol. Like in Terminator, they didn't change history, they just postponed it.
Dream on...
If you don't want to speak Spanish don't. But don't act like it would kill you to learn another language. In Canada we're mostly bilingual in terms of products and even some cities and we've been that way for a really long time yet not everybody is forced to speak French. I can only assume your country isn't on the cusp of changing their national language.
Wow. I got goosebumps from this article. This just goes to show how unbelievably fragile the balance of power was and still is on this planet.
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Alright... this is awkward.
People actually believe Nazis and Communists were ever allies... the main reason for the Nazis starting WW2 was wiping out the commies (then acquiring vital territory, acquire slaves for slave labor and controlling the slaves through genocide, then promote Aryans as the superior race through domination... not necessarily the "world" kind), it was the very reason of the rising of the Nazi party, in fact. They just didn't attack it right away because they believed it would only be worthy a try after the having the resources of all Europe and North Africa to back up the attempt... then they tried it in the middle of the war because of c**ksure arrogance and some major brain farts.
As for the "American inventions"... 99% of the inventions of the world weren't discovered by a single guy, much less was discovered first by the one history considers its inventor. And the bulk of "American Inventions" are mostly political bragging rights, where the US nudged the official means to nudge the right inventors (as in, American ones), as the right inventor. Though examples are bountiful (just the Brazilians invented first at least 10 things before alleged American inventors, and the place is not exactly a Mecca for science) it bears saying that Thomas Edison didn't invent the Light bulb, but no American will ever admit that. Even the plane was first recognized and registered in Paris at a contest. Although more than a year after the Wright Brothers, it has hard evidence and valid witnesses (thousands of them), and at the time, as far as the world was concerned, the plane was invented THEN.
As for America changing history... not the hard outcome of WW2 (the russians were beating the Germans fair and square... what am I saying, they were beating the Germans with the dirty Russian winter shtick... and once they got their s**t together to rough up the Japanese a bit the j*panese didn't stand a chance) although several other factors (like Brazil joining the Allies instead of the Nazis, England surviving still sovereign, and the start of WWII). Stalin didn't have much effect of the effectiveness of Russia against the Germans, they were using the Winter Shtick way before Lenin was even born, and without the USA rising in the Americas, its role would probably fall to Brazil or Canada this side of the Atlantic. And beyond that it is impossible to predict, without American interference in WW1, that was the thing that propelled the US from "Somewhat Wealthy" nation to the Superpower it became, it is just impossible to predict the results, though there are various possible nations to fill into the role at the absence of an aggressively capitalistic US jumping to offer economic assistance. But as said, it is impossible to predict, but not THAT radically different.
But, whatever the case, I just think cracked should mind their articles. Although they're aiming at a target audience of Americans, in the internet invariably you'll have WAY more non-Americans reading it than americans. And you're pissing off at least a few of them... who'll read regardless of not being the target audience, but still hating you.
Thats low man, bringing "truths" and "reasoning" into this forum.
"but no American will ever admit that"? You're wrong, I admit the s**t out of that. I'm all for the great inventions in history to be credited to their rightful owners. Alexander Graham Bell be damned!
As an American, I'm aware that Antonio Meucci (sp?) invented the telephone. However, the fact that history books aren't always accurate isn't a purely American phenomenon. There's no more credit-stealing from the U.S. than there is anywhere else, per capita. There are enough greedy, egotistical jerks to go around for every nationality. Getting "angry" over an article that does little more than skew toward a more America-centric slant is pretty pathetic and sounds like a problem with the poster's mindset, not the article or the United States.
It's not as if the U.S. hasn't had key roles in most major historical events from its timeframe and has simply weaseled credit out of major advances from sheer sneakiness. That's just stupid.
Dude...STFU.
Why? And, come to think of it, who?